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>>libertydude
>>Cold in Gardez
>>horizon
Hi! I did this one. Had I not done it high as balls in a single sitting, and had the site not absolutely destroyed my clever formatting, it would have been a bit better.
Few things: Yeah, it's not like Eliot at all. I didn't really want to be like him.
Setabos: I would blame it on the intoxication, but truthfully I just really liked the line and the title. I actually don't like the poem as much. also the moon line and the opening one.
"I" yeah had I do to do it again I would have removed the storyteller voice thing
As for enjambment, I offer a great and mighty shrug. I break lines as I say them. I guess that would be easier to demonstrate with a recording of myself reading it.
>>QuillScratch
I don't really know why I did that with the punctuation.
>>Cold in Gardez
>>horizon
Hi! I did this one. Had I not done it high as balls in a single sitting, and had the site not absolutely destroyed my clever formatting, it would have been a bit better.
Few things: Yeah, it's not like Eliot at all. I didn't really want to be like him.
Setabos: I would blame it on the intoxication, but truthfully I just really liked the line and the title. I actually don't like the poem as much. also the moon line and the opening one.
"I" yeah had I do to do it again I would have removed the storyteller voice thing
As for enjambment, I offer a great and mighty shrug. I break lines as I say them. I guess that would be easier to demonstrate with a recording of myself reading it.
>>QuillScratch
I don't really know why I did that with the punctuation.
I love the whole angle of the expectations vs. reality regarding Sirocco. I'm a sucker for domestic stories, and a story essentially about family is pretty much right in my comfort zone.
There's a serious pacing problem in the first 1-2K of this story, however. Sorta loses me, which is a shame because once you get going you really get going. Like others have said, there are some really great moments in here and there's an earnest heart to this that I can't help but love. Serious work to make that opening less disjointed would do wonders for this story. You might also consider expanding it so that you aren't cramped with tons of characters in a small space.
There's a serious pacing problem in the first 1-2K of this story, however. Sorta loses me, which is a shame because once you get going you really get going. Like others have said, there are some really great moments in here and there's an earnest heart to this that I can't help but love. Serious work to make that opening less disjointed would do wonders for this story. You might also consider expanding it so that you aren't cramped with tons of characters in a small space.
I'm torn between my general Kierkegaardian distaste for the idea that certainty is a thing we can have and chuckling about "no gods, no masters". This was pretty enjoyable.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>QuillScratch
The first paragraph's time seems to be wonky... perhaps because I'd say it's outside of time.
In the end we have Luna explicitly say that they "stopped over" in this world, and in the beginning we have the weird trippy thing about "then/now" and "forever" which makes me think the long first passage is that journey from wherever they were before the present world to come to rest in what would be Equestria. Guessing here, but unless the author is thinking space (which I don't they they are) then what's there? Sort of a formless chaos? Well--
So we're talking two alicorns trotting from one universe to the next. Through what? It's not entirely off base to say that what was envisioned was some kind of timeless pre-creation chaos situation. It can't be merely space, or with the way this intro goes it woulda been like 15 lines about stars.
I think it also might be a mistake to take the lines literally. I was just thinking about how the Greeks used to make up speeches to put in their histories. Everyone knewthat wasn't what was exactly said. But it didn't matter because the spirit of the thing was captured and that was what they cared about. Likewise, old testament texts tend to give that sort of "who knows what they said but this is pretty close" as well, where you have people fall in to hebraic poetry with the parallelism and such. Each argument could be a single snapshot, but it might also be a sort of summation, like this was where they sorta said over many days and hours around this period of time kind of situation. If that is so, then long gaps would mean not a strained conversation but merely a chain of island-like conversations.
Frankly parts of this read like someone half falling asleep. The first half reads like a tenth grader going for Milton and the second half reads like that same tenth grader switching over to Eliot. If the first half is too slow than the second is too fast by far. I'm actually going to say that the whole thing is too fast after the descriptions of the sisters.
If I'm readin' this write, I would guess that the introductions of the sisters was more than just playing around but that it was supposed to set up the conversation. When they talked about to what extent they were alike/similar/inseperable I think we were supposed to have our answers in the first 35 lines or so, but it just doesn't hold up. There's some parallalels where specific things are described in similar language, both end in a sort of question-and-answer (Being Seen/Being known) but its muddy and confused. The quicker pacing only really helps, I feel, if the introduction had been more solidly going in one direction. Otherwise it's just snappy and short. That works for Eliot because every line is building on the one before in lockstep and he could make a line be exactly the length it needed to be every time. Here? I feel like you lose what merit this has if you get too frantic, even if it tends towards the ponderous (which it does. A lot.)
Lastly. Quotation marks. Argh. Next time, indent. In fact you could forgo them altogether and straight up do it like Milton does with the offset lines and stuff.
>>QuillScratch
The first paragraph's time seems to be wonky... perhaps because I'd say it's outside of time.
In the end we have Luna explicitly say that they "stopped over" in this world, and in the beginning we have the weird trippy thing about "then/now" and "forever" which makes me think the long first passage is that journey from wherever they were before the present world to come to rest in what would be Equestria. Guessing here, but unless the author is thinking space (which I don't they they are) then what's there? Sort of a formless chaos? Well--
That is what it is like to see the Sun, walking in the god’s playing field
Between one universe and the next.
So we're talking two alicorns trotting from one universe to the next. Through what? It's not entirely off base to say that what was envisioned was some kind of timeless pre-creation chaos situation. It can't be merely space, or with the way this intro goes it woulda been like 15 lines about stars.
I think it also might be a mistake to take the lines literally. I was just thinking about how the Greeks used to make up speeches to put in their histories. Everyone knewthat wasn't what was exactly said. But it didn't matter because the spirit of the thing was captured and that was what they cared about. Likewise, old testament texts tend to give that sort of "who knows what they said but this is pretty close" as well, where you have people fall in to hebraic poetry with the parallelism and such. Each argument could be a single snapshot, but it might also be a sort of summation, like this was where they sorta said over many days and hours around this period of time kind of situation. If that is so, then long gaps would mean not a strained conversation but merely a chain of island-like conversations.
Frankly parts of this read like someone half falling asleep. The first half reads like a tenth grader going for Milton and the second half reads like that same tenth grader switching over to Eliot. If the first half is too slow than the second is too fast by far. I'm actually going to say that the whole thing is too fast after the descriptions of the sisters.
If I'm readin' this write, I would guess that the introductions of the sisters was more than just playing around but that it was supposed to set up the conversation. When they talked about to what extent they were alike/similar/inseperable I think we were supposed to have our answers in the first 35 lines or so, but it just doesn't hold up. There's some parallalels where specific things are described in similar language, both end in a sort of question-and-answer (Being Seen/Being known) but its muddy and confused. The quicker pacing only really helps, I feel, if the introduction had been more solidly going in one direction. Otherwise it's just snappy and short. That works for Eliot because every line is building on the one before in lockstep and he could make a line be exactly the length it needed to be every time. Here? I feel like you lose what merit this has if you get too frantic, even if it tends towards the ponderous (which it does. A lot.)
Lastly. Quotation marks. Argh. Next time, indent. In fact you could forgo them altogether and straight up do it like Milton does with the offset lines and stuff.
Hm, if he hadn't already reviewed this story, I'd have been tempted to accuse Cynewulf of writing it. It reminds me in some ways of his Memento Mori.
I once again feel the urge to profusely apologize for my youthful scribblings.
And what this one is obviously yours. It has Twilight and also Rainbow. That's like being double Gardez
piggybacking off Corejo, in hindsight, after the first "mare who does not sleep" keeping up the illusion of the "mare who does not sleep" kind of falls flat. The first time is great--and there's kind of a sense that the name is sort of a He Who Shall Not Be Named sort of thing, an urban legend or something. But both of these characters would just use her name.
The problem of voice is also an issue. There are parts where it sounds like Rarity but other times when it doesn't, like at all. Even with the intervening time and perhaps picking up some latent pretentiousness from those dusty grimoires, it sometimes misses the mark.
On the other hand, I love Lovecraft. Hell, I did papers on him in undergrad. Weird papers.
"Phenomenology" was a bit silly, but it adds to the overall "Poe/Lovecraft technobabble effect" where you have all of these titles or terms that make the horror in front of you suddenly seem more credible. Kind of how there are certain books and terms shared across the Mythos that not only link them but also add an undeniable air of authenticity.
I'm a title guy, and I wonder about the title here. I get the ref:
But wonder how it fits here, beyond the fact that the narrator references it near the end. A title can't just be pretty, I think, but should add to the effect of the whole. Certainly it's spooky. Ominous as hell, even. But is there anything else there? I wonder. Honestly, I don't think so, unless Twilight is the "unprofitable servant" I guess?
Overall, I like this, but I'm not sure what to feel about the uneven sections and the narrator intruding too much into the narrative. Otherwise, I like the creepy runes and the mare who don't sleep.
The problem of voice is also an issue. There are parts where it sounds like Rarity but other times when it doesn't, like at all. Even with the intervening time and perhaps picking up some latent pretentiousness from those dusty grimoires, it sometimes misses the mark.
On the other hand, I love Lovecraft. Hell, I did papers on him in undergrad. Weird papers.
"Phenomenology" was a bit silly, but it adds to the overall "Poe/Lovecraft technobabble effect" where you have all of these titles or terms that make the horror in front of you suddenly seem more credible. Kind of how there are certain books and terms shared across the Mythos that not only link them but also add an undeniable air of authenticity.
I'm a title guy, and I wonder about the title here. I get the ref:
And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
But wonder how it fits here, beyond the fact that the narrator references it near the end. A title can't just be pretty, I think, but should add to the effect of the whole. Certainly it's spooky. Ominous as hell, even. But is there anything else there? I wonder. Honestly, I don't think so, unless Twilight is the "unprofitable servant" I guess?
Overall, I like this, but I'm not sure what to feel about the uneven sections and the narrator intruding too much into the narrative. Otherwise, I like the creepy runes and the mare who don't sleep.
I'm of two minds here. On one hand, I hate metafiction fiercely. I should declare that bias first. "Jazzing around" Gardner used to call it. I know that I'm supposed to "get it" somehow and that it's "smart" to twist the structures of narrative until they snap, but honestly it's always seemed a bit onanistic to me. Pointless. Like the sort of joke that only one person can laugh at--or like the ultra angry young reformeds in the Christian Studies department I remember from undergrad whose whole attitude towards their own study was simply to use it as a bludgeon--behold my systematic theology feel inferior--and so I really cannot divorce that sentiment from anything that smacks of really meta-fiction.
On the other hand, if I change the "you" of the in-between sections to "s/he" or the name of a character I find I would have enjoyed this. The idea of a page I can refresh and get a new tiny, unfinished bit of story ex nihilo is basically a dream come true. I wish that there was an actual page that could do that. I would read it all day long, and not be nearly as frustrated as this story left me.
"Frustrated" is kind of my word here for the experience of this story. The actual narrative sections were each and every one wonderful. I loved the mare in the furnace, the universe within a universe, the conversation between unascertainable persons. And yet each and every time they would be abutted by which left me feeling not cheated so much as toyed with.
Maybe that's the point? Maybe it's just supposed to be a huge middle finger towards an unknown and unseen audience? Maybe I'm just not smart enough to get it. Honestly, I'm not sure I want to be smart enough to get it. Because the second-person narration was only partially right each time--mostly I was just angry that I was being made a fool of and was duty bound to continue. When a story is wonderful, I need not ask "why is this?" because it's chiseled its intent on my spirit, even tho often its hard for me to put to words in adequate ways. The asking of the question "What in god's name was this supposed to mean?" I find to usually be warning enough.
Not sure this one can be in the top half for me.
On the other hand, if I change the "you" of the in-between sections to "s/he" or the name of a character I find I would have enjoyed this. The idea of a page I can refresh and get a new tiny, unfinished bit of story ex nihilo is basically a dream come true. I wish that there was an actual page that could do that. I would read it all day long, and not be nearly as frustrated as this story left me.
"Frustrated" is kind of my word here for the experience of this story. The actual narrative sections were each and every one wonderful. I loved the mare in the furnace, the universe within a universe, the conversation between unascertainable persons. And yet each and every time they would be abutted by which left me feeling not cheated so much as toyed with.
Maybe that's the point? Maybe it's just supposed to be a huge middle finger towards an unknown and unseen audience? Maybe I'm just not smart enough to get it. Honestly, I'm not sure I want to be smart enough to get it. Because the second-person narration was only partially right each time--mostly I was just angry that I was being made a fool of and was duty bound to continue. When a story is wonderful, I need not ask "why is this?" because it's chiseled its intent on my spirit, even tho often its hard for me to put to words in adequate ways. The asking of the question "What in god's name was this supposed to mean?" I find to usually be warning enough.
Not sure this one can be in the top half for me.
Paging WIP