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Submitted for Your Approval
She-Ra Short Story
A Stab in the Dark
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The Other Job
She-Ra Short Story
Jobs and Destiny
#23650 · 1
· on Weathering the Storm
I think the thing I enjoyed the most about this story was how it tackles the chaos around Bow's life, as a character that has so much empathy, he lends himself easily to be someone that everyone else can really lean into and yet is in a very real sense the glue that keeps them all together.

I'll have to echo Pascoite's feelings of "where and when is this happening again?" I think that's one of the downsides of not having a short/long description before going in, at the beginning its a bit jarring to try and figure out that this is not canon timeline—oddly enough this slight moment of confusion regarding the time/placement is something all three stories seemed to have an issue with.

I guess if I had to offer any feedback it would be the same I need for my own submission to work better (one of two in my case): land the setting and timing really early on to ease the reader into the story. Overall, I enjoyed it!
#24008 · 1
· on A Wasted Day · >>Pascoite
Aww man, I was really digging this alt universe!
#24009 · 1
· on Honor/Power
Kyle's kind of adorable in this, liked the references and I can definitely imagine the gang in the tank on their way to Thaymore feeling Adora's absence, good work!
#24010 · 1
· on Revolutionary Girl Adora
Utena, but with pon—She-ra. That's a different take, for sure.
#23649 ·
· on A Song for the Unforeseen
So I had a bit of trouble with this story... The story being in first person for this specific character is a big risk, so kudos for that, it takes guts. I saw what was being attempted at a deeper insight into Hordak's mind, and yet... it felt like it was trying too hard.

Hordak is a complex character because we never really know what's going on his head. He's a bit self-delusional, terrified of his "brother" finding him, seeking approval of his underlings, yet anxious for any of it to actually happen. He's built a wall around himself that took someone he saw as an equal mind to break through, and then was proven to be a weakness because, through the cracks, Catra sneaked in and abused his trust... and yet, what I read are almost sterile observations that don't add any emotional (positive or negative) effect to his character.

So, again, a worthy challenge for someone that wants to write a tale about a tyrannical fascist that yet feels like he's losing and has a complex relationship with everyone under him.

And yet, this felt gimmicky from the beginning if I'm honest. It feels shallow, and like it's aiming for something, yet doesn't quite reach it or engage me enough to really want to stick through it.

There's a lot of mini-scenes, but little emotional engagement, save for cleverly-used sentences that tell us that "he feels worthless", but they feel empty because they don't echo what's happening as he talks to himself.

There's a lot to be said about the innovative use of fonts and formatting quirks in fanfiction that we get in digital media, since they give us a chance to emphasize (or downplay) many things: emotions, tone of voice, unexpected twists... but I feel that they should add something to what it's being told, not simply used by themselves to compensate for what feels to me like flat exposition.

It was a risk, and I hope you had fun with it, but if I were to offer any sort of advice, it would be that: A voice in his mind that challenges his arguments, or reinforces his feelings of inadequacy should be enhancing what is being said in the rest of the story, not just as a reminder of what he's supposed to be feeling.
#23651 ·
· on A Stab in the Dark
>>Scramblers and Shadows Ah, thanks for the observations, I'll make sure to go over the story with those in mind before I post it!

Edit: Ye gods, thanks for pointing out the very real Blonde/Human/etc girl thing I did there. That's what I get for not editing before posting :P