Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.

#21405 · 2
· on Being the Lesser Evil · >>Pascoite
What does the monster under the bed fear? The answer is, apparently, itself.

I really liked this story. This is a wonderful impression of Luna's time on the moon with only the dreamscape to be her friend, and it's an even more wonderful impression of Luna's state of mind during that time.

There are little bits that are a bit...lacking in detail, mostly the shared dream. Not that it mattered that much or is dwelled on for long, but just something I would've liked to hear Luna's internal thoughts clear up.

Octavia's plight is very believable and well represented here, and Vinyl's worry is likewise. The final scene with the pictures touched my heart and wrapped this all up in the perfect way. Luna, likewise, has a very strong and omnipresent personality and effect. It all came across great.

But the pacing.

But the pacing. It feels well-paced for about seventy-five percent, but that final twenty-five just flies by like a bullet train. Very lopsided and left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth.

Other than that? Great work.
#21401 · 1
· on The Scootaloo Switcheroo · >>BlueChameleonVI
The structure of this story is very confusing. It feels choppy, disjointed and pieced together from beginning to end and it thoroughly ruined the experience for me.

There were moments that shone through, though. The climax is probably the best part of the story, if I'm honest. Based on the title alone, I was assuming that Rainbow was going to take Scootaloo's punishment for her, It would've been poetic, self-sacrificing, and a little heart wrenching when the dust settled and Scootaloo was left alone without RD.

Looking back at the very beginning, it's quite obvious it's a dream now that I know that little fact. You can't read in dreams, so that's a nice little nod to that fact at the start. Clever and subtle, I liked it.

What I didn't like is the lack of a true ending. Yes, the story ended, but that didn't mean there was an ending. You cut the story off right in the middle of the climax, and that hurt. When the ice melted, when the wolf was defeated in the town saved, Scootaloo could've had a quieter moment with her big sister. Things could've been said that took more time.

There's potential here, a lot of it. It hits a lot of notes that I like in stories, but they all just feel off-key. You just need a little more tuning, a little more practice on the basics.

Take your time, don't force all of that cool imagery into the story. Let it tell itself, just listen to the story and what it demands, then comply humbly.

You got this.
#21403 · 1
· on Illusion and Dream
Very intriguing. Very intriguing indeed.

It's a nice little vignette about fantasies and not getting bogged down in them, and I appreciate it.

The problem being, it feels like a vignette, not a story. There's no conflict, no real set up and no definite conclusion. It is a scene without connection or context, and it honestly hurts it.

There are strengths here, though. The imagery in the dream is very vivid and strong and had me sucked in from the first few paragraphs, Luna's riddle-like words and questions elicited some curiosity from me on where it would go, and I really liked how you handled it.

I just wish there was more! I want to know more about what caused Scootaloo to dream this. Were she and Rainbow talking about flying before she fell asleep? Did something set her off that reminded her of her condition? When she flies with RD after the dream, does she feel sad that it's not like her dream but enjoys the experience nonetheless because it's real?

I had far too many questions that left me far too unsatisfied, but there are very strong elements present here.
#21404 · 1
· on Conscience Does Make Cowards · >>Bachiavellian
Third person present tense is an interesting choice, and for the first few paragraphs I was pouring over every sentence and word looking for a slip up. I found none because I was simply engrossed in the story.

This was a beautiful and poignant story, the disease functioned as a perfect metaphor for growing too distant and cold. It served as a driving force to get her to speak to Celestia, to make things right again. It was wonderfully moving and filled with such strong imagery and emotions. I was beginning to tear up when she was speaking to Celestia even!

It's a wonderful story.

But it doesn't fit the prompt, not really.

There are dreams in the story, but they don't correlate to what's happening. They serve to let us know what Luna is up to, and nothing else. If you had set it up a bit better, open the story with a dream of her friends who are long gone, that pain just pushes her farther away from those around her. Then the disease starts. The dreams become more intense, the disease gets worse.

That would have fit the prompt, but as the story stands right now....it's wonderful and I love it. It's such a good story, but it just doesn't mesh with the prompt.

Stunning prose, Author. Stunning.
#21406 ·
· on Come Fly With Me
Methinks your voice got mixed in with the characters' voices quite a bit there. "Just joshin", "got no", "bupkis", etc. All very out of place, and honestly out of character.

Other than that, this interpretation of season 1 RD as a socially oblivious jock is very interesting, it also feels very cynical. The whole first third of this story feels cynical, obviously and it's so jarring to go from that to the touchy feely stuff. Tonal whiplash is real and should probably be watched a bit closely.

It's a very solid story, mechanically, I mean. Not too many grammatical mistakes except for the aforementioned "got no" said by Diamond Tiara. It also fits the prompt in a very different way from the other stories, which is refreshing.

It was a nice read with some problems, but good nonetheless.