Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Organised by
RogerDodger
Word limit
400–750
Quackery
“Flim and Flam,” said Twilight Sparkle, staring angrily at the two salesponies nonpareil. “You have been banned from selling your discredited Miracle Curative Tonic across Equestria. Yet it has come to our attention that you continue to promote your quack medicine. Would you explain why you are violating a royal edict?”
“We would be delighted,” said Flim.
“We thank you for the opportunity to clarify this,” said Flam.
“I’m listening.”
“Well,” said Flim, “although our tonic had many satisfied customers…”
“And was used to treat a huge range of ailments.”
“With no harmful side effects.”
“We realized that our business was not sustainable in the long term.”
Applejack gritted her teeth. “On account of it being totally bogus and now illegal.”
“But we are aware that there are many ponies in Equestria who do not trust conventional medicine.”
“So, to cater for this market, my brother and I have retrained.”
“And we are now qualified practitioners of homeopathy.”
“We can assure you that there is not a drop of our tonic—”
“—or any legal or illegal drugs—”
“—in the products we now sell. Thus we operate in full compliance with the law.”
Twilight’s irises turned to red and the hairs at the end of her mane starting smoking. “Homeopathy is the stupidest, most bogus, fraudulent pseudo-scientific sham treatment ever devised!”
“It is a holistic medicine used to treat a huge range of acute and chronic conditions.”
“Care to explain how that works?” said Applejack.
“From the principle of ‘like cures like’. A substance which causes harmful symptoms can cure the same if taken in small doses. So we take a sample of, say, arsenic, and follow a serial dilution process—mix with a thousand parts water, shake, add a drop to another thousand parts water, shake again, and repeat—the more times the more potent the medicine.”
“So you’re left with basically just water?”
“But the water retains the memory of the substances it has been mixed with.”
“Water has a memory!” shouted Pinkie. “Oh my gosh! Just think of all the secrets we shared at the spa! Do you think we can trust it to keep quiet?”
“Relax Pinkie,” said Twilight. “Water does not have a memory. That would defy everything we know about physics and chemistry. That theory is a load of horseshit.”
“Does the water remember the horseshit it has met in the sewer?”
“Your homeopathic so-called remedies,” said Twilight to the defendants, “are so dilute that you would have to drink a volume the size of Equestria to swallow a single molecule of the original substance.”
“That’s pretty difficult to swallow,” said Pinkie.
“Well, just suppose what we have here is no more than simple sugar pills…” Flim help up a bottle of tablets for everypony to see.
“Hypothetically...”
“Theoretically…”
“The fact remains that as our business is alternative medicine it is not covered by the regulations.”
“So we are operating in a completely legal way.”
“Hang on a minute!” Pinkie Pie walked up the Flim. She slapped his hoof sending a spray of pills flying out of the bottle. She opened her mouth and stretched out her tongue to catch then all.
“Pinkie!” cried Rarity. “Don’t do that! An overdose could be dangerous.”
“Not for a medicine which literally contains no active ingredient,” said Twilight.
“Yeah,” said Rainbow. “And if, as they said, it gets more potent with more dilution, to overdose, you would have to take none at all.”
“If anypony is selling sugar products and performing incomprehensibly unscientific feats in Ponyville,” said Pinkie. “I want to check out the competition.”
She looked at Flim and Flam shaking her head. “And these two are amateurs. Those pills had no flavor at all. If anypony has a health problem they want to treat in a ridiculous non-scientific way, shown to be no more effective than a placebo, they should come to Sugar Cube Corner, where they can have cupcakes and sugary drinks made from water infused with happy memories, and they can listen to me talking any amount of non-scientific nonsense, and get free hugs.”
Twilight smiled. “That’s a great suggestion Pinkie. By royal decree Sugar Cube Corner shall henceforth be the licensed seller of homeopathic medicine in Ponyville. Provided you promise that if you meet a pony with any real medical problem you will send them straight to the hospital.”
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick an overdose-of-sugar-pills-containing-a-statistically-insiginificant-trace-of-arsenic in my eye.”
“We would be delighted,” said Flim.
“We thank you for the opportunity to clarify this,” said Flam.
“I’m listening.”
“Well,” said Flim, “although our tonic had many satisfied customers…”
“And was used to treat a huge range of ailments.”
“With no harmful side effects.”
“We realized that our business was not sustainable in the long term.”
Applejack gritted her teeth. “On account of it being totally bogus and now illegal.”
“But we are aware that there are many ponies in Equestria who do not trust conventional medicine.”
“So, to cater for this market, my brother and I have retrained.”
“And we are now qualified practitioners of homeopathy.”
“We can assure you that there is not a drop of our tonic—”
“—or any legal or illegal drugs—”
“—in the products we now sell. Thus we operate in full compliance with the law.”
Twilight’s irises turned to red and the hairs at the end of her mane starting smoking. “Homeopathy is the stupidest, most bogus, fraudulent pseudo-scientific sham treatment ever devised!”
“It is a holistic medicine used to treat a huge range of acute and chronic conditions.”
“Care to explain how that works?” said Applejack.
“From the principle of ‘like cures like’. A substance which causes harmful symptoms can cure the same if taken in small doses. So we take a sample of, say, arsenic, and follow a serial dilution process—mix with a thousand parts water, shake, add a drop to another thousand parts water, shake again, and repeat—the more times the more potent the medicine.”
“So you’re left with basically just water?”
“But the water retains the memory of the substances it has been mixed with.”
“Water has a memory!” shouted Pinkie. “Oh my gosh! Just think of all the secrets we shared at the spa! Do you think we can trust it to keep quiet?”
“Relax Pinkie,” said Twilight. “Water does not have a memory. That would defy everything we know about physics and chemistry. That theory is a load of horseshit.”
“Does the water remember the horseshit it has met in the sewer?”
“Your homeopathic so-called remedies,” said Twilight to the defendants, “are so dilute that you would have to drink a volume the size of Equestria to swallow a single molecule of the original substance.”
“That’s pretty difficult to swallow,” said Pinkie.
“Well, just suppose what we have here is no more than simple sugar pills…” Flim help up a bottle of tablets for everypony to see.
“Hypothetically...”
“Theoretically…”
“The fact remains that as our business is alternative medicine it is not covered by the regulations.”
“So we are operating in a completely legal way.”
“Hang on a minute!” Pinkie Pie walked up the Flim. She slapped his hoof sending a spray of pills flying out of the bottle. She opened her mouth and stretched out her tongue to catch then all.
“Pinkie!” cried Rarity. “Don’t do that! An overdose could be dangerous.”
“Not for a medicine which literally contains no active ingredient,” said Twilight.
“Yeah,” said Rainbow. “And if, as they said, it gets more potent with more dilution, to overdose, you would have to take none at all.”
“If anypony is selling sugar products and performing incomprehensibly unscientific feats in Ponyville,” said Pinkie. “I want to check out the competition.”
She looked at Flim and Flam shaking her head. “And these two are amateurs. Those pills had no flavor at all. If anypony has a health problem they want to treat in a ridiculous non-scientific way, shown to be no more effective than a placebo, they should come to Sugar Cube Corner, where they can have cupcakes and sugary drinks made from water infused with happy memories, and they can listen to me talking any amount of non-scientific nonsense, and get free hugs.”
Twilight smiled. “That’s a great suggestion Pinkie. By royal decree Sugar Cube Corner shall henceforth be the licensed seller of homeopathic medicine in Ponyville. Provided you promise that if you meet a pony with any real medical problem you will send them straight to the hospital.”
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick an overdose-of-sugar-pills-containing-a-statistically-insiginificant-trace-of-arsenic in my eye.”