“I am not being hyperbolic at all. Of all the unpleasant days that have darkly dawned across Equestria, today is definitively the most despicable.”

Flam put all his weight into another shove of their cart, but it remained firmly stuck in the bog. “Things could be worse.”

“How?” Flim demanded. He ran a hoof through his hair, but it only got stuck in the lingering tar and feathers. "Please elucidate.”

Woomph.

“Your tail is on fire,” Flam noted.

Flim stepped away from the flames that had erupted behind him and planted his hindquarters in a puddle. He grimaced. “And this's the universe’s attempt to expose my complaints as exorbitant?”

Flam stared into the mists around them. “No. But… that might be.”

With a bone-rattling roar, a two-headed figure leapt out of the fog, more flashes of fire erupting all around.

“What’s this?” a ferocious tiger head rumbled.

“A fresh meal, delivered right to us, sister.” The goat head cackled. “Tonight we shall dine well. On… chickens?”

Flim tried to brush off the feathers that remained stubbornly tarred to his coat. “No, madames! We are entrepreneurs nonpareil, journeying through your beautiful and bucolic marshlands.”

“What’s a nonpareil?” the tiger growled.

The goat narrowed her yellowing eyes. “I think some kind of candy.”

“What my brother means is that we’re ponies,” Flam clarified.

“Good,” the tiger said. “Chickens always give me gas.”

“Wait! Let’s talk about this.”

“Naaah,” the goat bleated. “We’re going to eat you, and your lovely apple pies too.”

Flim blinked. “What pies?”

The chimera stopped short. “You don't have pies?"

"No."

"But that was going to be the feel-better surprise!”

“Sssurprissse?” a voice hissed. “Why are you two being ssso loud?” The head of a snake came into view before breaking out into a bout of hoarse coughing.

Flam took one look at the snake’s dull scales and cloudy eyes and elbowed his brother. His eyebrows waggled with the silent communication that they had perfected over years of narrow escapes.

Flim gulped, standing up straight. “Excuse me, ladies. We’re not carrying apple pies. We’re currently transporting the finest homeopathic remedies, palliative panaceas, and curative nostrums!”

Three pairs of eyes narrowed in unison.

“Medicine,” Flam said. “We have very good medicine.” He rapped sharply on their cart, and the walls snapped down to reveal a display stand full of colorful bottles.

The snake leaned in, blinking owlishly. “I can’t see. Bring me closer.” The chimera obligingly turned, and the snake slithered to examine their wares.

“Okay,” Flam whispered. “Get ready to run. When they realize the medicine doesn’t actually—”

There was a shriek, and the chimera whipped around, paws thundering down on either side of them. Flim found himself inches from the tiger’s jaws and Flam just as close to the goat.

“Sisters!” the snake babbled. It shrieked again and Flam realized that it was a horrid serpentine squee. “This is fantassstic! It’s just like the ssscale ointment that Mother used to make.”

The two front heads shared a perplexed look. “Really?” tiger ventured.

The snake dipped its full length in a bottle, pulling back up to preen in the reflection of a nearby puddle. “Look at that shine! I feel better than I have in years!”

The tiger grinned. “Good. Now we can eat them.”

“Absssolutely not,” the snake said firmly. “We will sssee these gentleponies on their way. In fact...”

The tiger winced as the snake slithered away, dragging their whole body into some scrubby bushes. When the chimera paced back, it carried a worryingly stained bag.

The bag landed with a clink in front of them, gold bits spilling forth.

“We’ll take all your medicines,” the snake continued. “And you sssimply have to ssstop by in the future. Promise usss!”

The other heads glared, until the snake hissed sharply. “Thanks for making our sister feel better,” the goat reluctantly said.

“Our... pleasure?” Flim said. He stared as the snake poked around amongst the bottles. Flam had to grab the bag of bits and hastily drag his brother away.

They didn’t waste any more time, not pausing until the chimera had vanished far in the distance.

Flam wearily took a seat on a nearby rock. “Brother, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“That for the first time, our goods and services were both fully efficacious and appreciated by the local populace, leading to a uniquely beneficial transaction with no prevarication?”

“Yes.” Flam shivered. “This really is the worst day.”

"Indeed. Let us never speak of it again.”