Somepony help.

I had a career. I had dreams. I was gonna be somepony.

Then I met her.

Pinkie Pie was amazing from day one. Yeah, I was a little annoyed by how cheerful she was all the time, but she had a fantastic ass if nothing else. Call me a groundpounder, but earth ponies got curves in all the right places. Anyway, her personality grew on me, and eventually we got to be great friends, and Twilight Sparkle and the Elements, and pranking, yadda, yadda.

Once I realized I liked her as more than a friend, I actually got tongue-tied. Me, the Rainbow Dash, afraid to tell somepony something! But yeah, that's the kind of mare Pinkie is. Of course, once I stopped being lame and actually told her, she was so down with being my awesome marefriend.

And that's where the trouble started.

See, one other thing about earth ponies, especially farmers, is they care way more about family ties and traditions than pegasi do. Don't ask me about unicorns, I don't know anything about them. But I've met Pinkie's family. They're not exactly the funnest bunch to be around, but they're nice and stuff. Rock farming's not really exciting, y'know? But the one thing I figured out was that her mom said "I love you" with food.

There was so much food. I couldn't fly after visiting the farm. I mean, they're great and all, and they accepted me as a future daughter-in-law, but I should've put the pieces together long before Pinkie and me got married.

Pinkie's just like her mom. And while I was used to snacking on stuff around Sugarcube Corner while we were dating, that was nothing like what was in store for me during the married life.

It started out slow. I'd get back from a long day of cloud bucking to find a hot meal on the table. She's an awesome wife, right? On weekends and holidays, that we didn't spend with her parents, anyway, there'd be a huge feast. The holidays we did spend with them, well, I wasn't flying home from those.

And then things got worse. Maybe I wasn't super-communicative or whatever Twilight says, but Pinkie just started feeding me stuff constantly. "Oh, Dashie, I baked you some cookies! You want one or three, right?" "Welcome home, Dashie! I baked you a cake! Now eat it all up! Yup, every last slice is goin' into your pretty mouth!"

I started having trouble at work. I couldn't practice stunt flying. Flying for any length of time left me short of breath.

I tried going to my friends for help, but I couldn't convince them there was a problem. Twilight lectured me about being loyal to my spouse. Applejack said I looked well-fed. Rarity complimented me on my curves, despite me not being a pony who should have them! Fluttershy just thinks we're super-cute together and can't see past that.

Oh Celestia, she's coming back. I can smell biscuits and butter, and so help me, I want it. I need it. She's turned me into an eating machine. I have trouble getting around. If Derpy keeps her word, this letter should reach you before Hearth's Warming. I'm afraid if I go through another, I'll have a coronary at this rate.

My name is Rainbow Dash, and I'm too fat to fly. Someone stop this crazy mare before she kills me.