The crystalline map sparkled and glittered in the throne room of Twilight Sparkle’s sparkling, glittering crystal castle in its usual crystally, sparkly, glittery sort of way. What was unusual was that an unfamiliar cutie mark symbol had appeared over one of the far corners of the map. Much to Twilight consternation, it didn’t match her or any of her friends’ cutie marks.

“And it’s been there since last night?” Applejack asked, examining the errant cutie mark.

“Yeah, I haven’t even had a chance to sleep yet.” Twilight took another gulp of coffee and wiped her frizzy, uncombed mane away from her eyes. “The map is only supposed to call us, the former Elements of Harmony. That’s how it’s supposed to work. I think. Or at least I thought. It could be a new undiscovered Element. I’ve already sent Celestia several emergency letters.”

Applejack yawned. A few minutes earlier she had been lying in bed back in her room at Sweet Apple Acres, just about ready to get up. And then her room had disappeared and she had been dropped onto the cold, hard floor of Twilight’s castle and met by an over-caffeinated Twilight Sparkle.

Applejack would have been annoyed, but it wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last. “You have any idea what place it’s hangin’ over?” she asked. The cutie mark hovered over a clump of mountains and jungles along the edge of the map.

“Of course!” Twilight said, grabbing one of a dozen atlases off the floor and opening it for Applejack to see. “It appears to be the Acapalka Jungle, home of the llamas.”

“What’s a llama?”

“A race distantly related to camels,” Twilight said. “I checked my library, but I couldn’t find much information on them or their culture. They’re apparently very reclusive.”

“And you’re sure you don’t know whose cutie mark that is?”

“I can say for certain it doesn’t belong to anyone living in Ponyville.” Twilight bent down and leafed through a haphazard stack of scrolls on the floor. “We’re going to have to begin a search as soon as possible. I’ve already drafted letters to all the mayors of major cities in Equestria. It might take months to find this pony. You should start packing your things.”

Applejack looked intently at the hovering cutie mark. It was in the shape of a wand and aurora. “You know whose cutie mark this looks like?”

Twilight looked up. Her eyes narrowed and then opened wide. “Oh no…”

Then the doors to the throne room burst open, a cloud of bluish smoke spread through the room, and an outlandishly dressed unicorn waltzed inside. “Trixie’s posterior is glowing,” she cried. “And Trixie doesn’t like it.”

---

“So all Trixie must do to cease the glowing of her posterior is travel to this jungle and make friends with the llama creatures?” Trixie asked, lounging on Twilight’s throne, her cutie mark’s glow reflecting off its crystal exterior.

“More or less,” Twilight said, taking yet another gulp of coffee.

Trixie tried to appear opulent and nonchalant while sitting on the throne, but the effect was ruined by her red-rimmed eyes and bedraggled appearance. “Trixie would like to cease the glowing as soon as possible. It makes sleeping difficult.”

“No kiddin’,” Applejack said from her own throne, looking bored.

“Trust us, we know,” Twilight said, remembering sleepless nights and futile attempts to cover butts with sheets, tape, and bags on the journey to Starlight Glimmer’s village.

“Excellent!” Trixie clapped her hooves. “If that is all Trixie must do, this will be easy. Trixie does not mean to brag when she says that she is something of a master of making friends. It is a simple fact fact that most ponies find her very pleasant to be around.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow at that, but kept quiet.

“Well, confidence is certainly important,” Twilight said. “But you don’t have this quite right. You don’t need to become friends with llamas, you need to help the llamas become friends with each other. We can’t be certain what problem you’re being sent to solve, but demonstrating the values of friendship will likely be part of the solution.”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “An insignificant distinction. Trixie can assure you, she is well versed in the studies of friendship. Why, just look at the three of us! It was with great skill and success that Trixie was able to befriend both of you, yes?”

Applejack and Twilight said nothing.

“So, when are we off?” Trixie asked.

“We aren’t goin’ anywhere with you,” Applejack said.

Trixie looked to Twilight. “What does the unmannered farm pony one mean?”

“The map called you specifically, no one else,” Twilight explained. “If the rest of us were meant to go, the map would have called us, but it didn’t. For better or for worse, you will be going to Acapalka and the llamas alone.”

Trixie’s eyes widened. “You entrust this mission to Trixie alone?”

“Well, the map does,” Twilight said. “Whatever the llama’s problem is, the map says you’re the pony to solve it.”

“What you’re saying is,” Trixie said, grinning, “that Trixie has some exceptional quality that no other pony possesses, that Trixie is special, and that Trixie is the only pony alive or dead that can accomplish this task!”

“I mean, kind of, I guess...”

“Do not be modest, dear Princess. Trixie has no use for modesty.” Her grin widened. “Ah, this is ironic, isn’t it? Princess Twilight Sparkle comes groveling on her knees to beg the Great and Powerful Trixie for help.”

“It’s really just the map—”

“Grovel no longer!” Trixie declared, jumping off the throne. “Trixie accepts! She will solve your llama problem, take on the role of your magical envoy, spread friendship to lands far and wide! Trixie will not disappoint. A performance from the Great and Powerful Trixie never disappoints.’

Then Trixie made a gallant charge past Twilight and Applejack and out through the doors of the castle.

Twilight watched her leave. “Where is she going? I never told her how to get to Acapalka.”

“Maybe she thinks she’s gonna run all the way there,” Applejack said.

“This is a mistake, isn’t it?”

“You said it yourself,” Applejack replied with a shrug, “the map chose her. Must have had some reason for it.”

“I guess.” Twilight sighed and walked towards the door. “I’d better go find her and make sure she actually knows where she’s going.”

---

Trixie stood proudly on the deck of the small ship that had carried her to Acapalka, at Twilight’s expense of course. She held her head high as the crew hustled and bustled around her. The ship floated along a wide, brown, slow-moving river towards a wooden dock. Tall, tree covered mountains rose up around them on all sides.

The ship stopped, was tied to the dock, and the gangplank lowered. Trixie strode off the ship, proclaiming in a loud voice, “Llamas of Acapalka, your troubles are at an end, for the Great and Powerful Trixie, envoy of Princess Twilight Sparkle, and Purveyor of Friendship has arrived, and she comes bearing—”

Trixie gasped. Standing around the dock, she saw a group of hairy, misshapen creatures. They had funnel-like necks, squished faces like bruised tomatoes, long bodies, pompom tails, and stood on twig-thin legs that didn’t look like they could have supported even a bedside table.

“What is that?” she asked the nearest sailor.

“Llamas, I’d guess,” he said.

She nearly fainted. “They’re hideous!”

The sailor shrugged.

Trixie took a deep breath, put on a showmare’s smile, and stepped towards the nearest llama. “Good day, smelly llama creature! I am the Great and Powerful Trixie. Trixie has come to raise you and your lowly brethren up out of the mire into the fold of civilization. She has come to bestow upon you the gift of friendship. What say you?”

The llama, a dark brown, taller than her, and older-looking, eyed her curiously. It cocked its head to the side and made a sound like it was clearing its throat.

Confidence returning, Trixie gracefully strolled towards it. “Trixie promises you, there is no reason to be afraid. Trixie understands that it must be embarrassing to suddenly find yourself in the presence of such outstanding beauty and talent, however, she is merely here to help.”

The llama stepped closer to her and leaned down.

Trixie winced at its appearance, but continued on. “Yes, I come bearing friendship by way of the authority of Princess Twilight Sparkle. Now let’s hurry this along. Trixie has not had a good night’s sleep in weeks.”

The llama seemed to consider something, then it opened its mouth and spit in Trixie’s face.

---

“And then it spit on Trixie! Right in her face!” Trixie wailed, sitting on Twilight’s throne and slurping loudly on a milkshake. “She had no choice but to return immediately. Trixie will not endure such an insult, such barbariosity!”

Sitting in her own throne, Applejack snickered.

Trixie glared at her.

“According to this,” Twilight said, flipping through one of the few books on llama culture she had found, “llamas spit when they feel insulted or irritated.”

“Savages!” Trixie cried, and slurped on her milkshake. “Trixie did no such thing. All she did was offer to help, and they threw that offer back in in her face. With spit!”

“You sure that’s all you did?” Applejack asked.

“What are you implying, farm pony?”

“I’m implyin’ that I doubt llamas’ will spit in anypony’s face just for offerin’ to help,” Applejack said casually. “You go around throwin’ a lot of that ‘Great and Powerful Trixie’ this and ‘amazing Trixie’ that while you were there?”

Trixie slurped on her milkshake and glared down at the map. “Trixie doesn’t know what you mean.”

Twilight gave Applejack a look and then turned to Trixie. “All Applejack is saying is that you might want to rethink your approach. Instead of coming to them as a showmare, maybe come to them as a pony? Interact on a more personal level?”

“It doesn’t matter. Trixie will not return.”

Twilight groaned. “Is your cutie mark still glowing?”

Trixie repositioned her cloak to better cover her flanks. “It might be.”

“Then the job’s not done,” Applejack said.

Twilight nodded. “As long as the llama’s problem remains unsolved, your cutie mark will keep glowing.”

“Then solve it yourself,” Trixie said, glowering. “You love nothing more than upstaging me. Go ahead.”

Applejack rolled her eyes and started to say something, but Twilight shushed her. Instead, Twilight said gently, “No, Trixie, I can’t do this. Only you can.”

Trixie’s eyes flashed up. “You think this is something that Princess Twilight Sparkle can’t do but that the Great and Powerful Trixie can?”

“The map chose you, not me.”

Trixie chewed her lip. “And this map, is it magical?”

“Very,” Applejack said, holding back a smile. “Very magical and powerful-like.”

That answered seemed to please Trixie, and she smiled. “And you’re sure this map specifically chose the Great and Powerful Trixie for this quest?”

“Yes,” Twilight said. “You’re mark is the one glowing.”

“Okay, then.” Trixie stood up and tossed her milkshake aside. “The map chose the Great and Powerful Trixie! Princess Twilight Sparkle herself chose the Great and Powerful Trixie! So Trixie will return to Acapalka. She will come as a pony, she will interact on a more personal level with the hideous llama creatures, and she will not fail!”

Trixie whinnied and galloped out of the throne room in a glorious charge.

After she was gone, Applejack smirked at Twilight. “Who do you think this’ll turn out worse for, the llamas or the Great and Powerful Trixie?”

---

Trixie stood on the deck of a very familiar ship with a very familiar crew down a very familiar river surrounded by very familiar mountains towards a very familiar dock. When the ship stopped and the gangplank lowered, Trixie violated every showmare’s instinct in her body and exited the ship without any fanfare, not a single lit firecracker or sparkler.

She found the llamas just as deformed and abominable as she had left them, but this time she had prepared for the terrible sight appropriately. She barely gagged at the sight of them at all.

The llamas, for their part, didn’t seem to notice or care about her arrival at all. Trixie had been so distracted by their appearance that she hadn’t noticed last time, but watching them now she saw that they didn’t seem to notice or care about anything. Their faces had a look of vacant apathy. The scene was eerily silent. The llamas never spoke to each other, she realized.

Trixie cautiously approached a llama that didn’t appear busy. He was leaning against the side of a hut, his fur a soft tan color. He must have been younger because he was shorter than most of the others, about Trixie’s height.

“Hello, sir,” she called to him.

He slowly raised his head to look at her. He blinked once. “Hey,” he said.

Trixie froze, waiting for him to spit at her. But when no projectiled saliva was fired, she came nearer. “I am the Great and Powerful Trixie, envoy of Princess Twilight Sparkle. Trixie has come to offer aid.”

He blinked at her. “Aid?”

“Help,” she said.

“Help with what?”

“Help with anything,” Trixie explained. “Help with everything.”

The llama looked about himself, then looked back at her, then looked around again, and then looked back at her again, and then blinked. “No, I think I’m okay.”

Trixie opened her mouth to explain that the chance of receiving help from one as great and powerful as the Great and Powerful Trixie was a rare thing and a foolish offer to refuse, but then the llama walked away.

“Where are you going?” she called after him.

“On a walk,” he said.

She followed him. “May Trixie join you?”

He shrugged.

Trixie stepped in beside him. He walked at a sluggish pace, hardly moving at all. “Where are we going?” she asked.

“Around,” he said.

Trixie decided then that she didn’t like llamas very much.

He appeared to be leading her deeper into town, though a caterpillar could have made better time. The town was little more than a collection of small huts, and llamas ambled about just as lethargically and aimlessly as the difficult one Trixie had so unfortunately engaged.

“What is your name?” Trixie asked him.

“Ajtzak,” he said.

“It is good to make your acquaintance, Ajtzak.”

He grunted.

“Can tell me anything about the llamas?” she asked. “Any sort of troubles, especially troubles that a very magical, very great, and very powerful pony might be able to help with?”

“I can’t think of anything particular,” he said.

“How about friends? Do most llamas have many friends? Do you get along with each other?”

“We don’t really do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Friends,” he said.

Trixie smiled. Finally, she was getting to the real quest. “Do you llamas have trouble working together then?”

“We don’t really do that either,” he said.

“Aha!” she cried. “Then that is what I must do. Ajtzak, today Trixie is going to help you make a friend, and then she will teach you how to work together!”

“No thanks,” he said.

Trixie laughed. “Trixie was once like you,” she said, and nodded sagely. “Ignorant and shortsighted, oblivious to the obvious benefits of friendship. She cared only for her independence, and cared nothing for anypony else. But that time is no longer, and she can assure you that her life has at least marginally improved since then. Come, smelly llama, Trixie will teach you.”

Ajtzak stopped walking, turned to her, spit in Trixie’s face, turned back around, and kept walking.

Trixie screamed.

---

Applejack and Twilight sat down in the castle’s dining hall for a pleasant lunch of daisy sandwiches and a variety of generic apple products. Eventually, the discussion turned to the state of ponykind’s most recent attempted friendship conquest.

“Not well,” Twilight said. “I received periodic reports from Trixie for several weeks before she stopped writing, each more frustrated than the last. Apparently the llamas keep spitting in her face.”

Applejack chuckled.

“It isn’t funny.” Twilight frowned at her.

“After what she put us through,” Applejack said, taking a bite from an apple and chewing loudly, “it’s at least a little bit funny.”

“That wasn’t entirely her fault. She was under the control of the alicorn amulet.”

“Don’t make it not funny when she gets her comeuppance.”

“This is serious,” Twilight said. “It would be funny if there wasn’t a real problem out there not getting solved. I do believe Trixie is truly doing her best, but it’s just…”

Applejack took another noisy bite. “It’s just that she’s really bad at it.”

Twilight sighed. “Unfortunately, yes. Why would the map ever choose to send her instead of one of us?”

“You think it might be broken?”

“Can enormously powerful and mysterious magical devices break?”

“Anything can break,” Applejack said.

Then the doors burst open and Trixie stumbled in. Her hat was gone, her cloak in tatters, her mane and tail dirty and unkempt, a crazed look in her eyes. “Twilight Sparkle!” she cried, voice hoarse.

Twilight and Applejack ran to her. “Oh my gosh, are you okay?” Twilight asked.

“No!” Trixie shouted. “Trixie is not okay. The llamas keep spitting in her face!”

“It’s okay,” Twilight said, helping Trixie into a chair. “You don’t have to go back. Applejack and I will—”

“You will not!” Trixie growled, standing up and pushing them both aside. “Trixie will return! Oh yes, she will. She will return with the overwhelming might and terrible vengeance of the forsaken gods. Trixie will make them accept her friendship, or she will burn all of Acapalka. All will be friends, or all will be ash! Trixie only came to gather supplies and equipment for the final campaign.”

“What kind of equipment?” Applejack asked.

“Umbrellas! Hundreds of umbrellas, thousands of umbrellas.” Trixie laughed hysterically. “Let us see them spit on Trixie when she is protected by a wall of umbrellas a smelly, ugly llamas high!”

“Well…” Twilight scratched her head. “I guess we could get you some. Are you sure you want to go back? You don’t have to.”

“Trixie is certain. Trixie is the map’s chosen one.” Trixie turned a crazed eye on Twilight. “This is war.”

---

Trixie tripped on a root, but quickly picked herself up and kept running. Even at nighttime, the jungle was hot, and the sweat dripped down her forehead and into her eyes and mouth. She didn’t have time to rest or wipe it away. The smell of fire and the sound of alien war chants was close behind her.

At last, she broke free from beneath the canopy, and the river and her ship were in sight. She galloped forth and across the gangplank shouting, “Go go go!”

The gangplank was raised and the ship shoved off.

On the bank of the river, an army of llamas gathered. Hundreds of them, standing at attention in organized columns, carrying torches and spiked objects of unambiguous purpose. At their head stood Ajtzak, decked head to double-toe in ornate silver armor. There was a fire in his eyes.

The look of vacant apathy was gone from all the llama’s faces. In its place was passion, rage, bloodlust, and hate.

It was the first time the llamas had worked together to do anything in centuries.

Trixie’s cutie mark finally ceased glowing.

“Bon voyage, ugly llama creatures!” she called to the llama army, waving. “Trixie knows that it will take some time for you to overcome your angry thoughts and thank her, but she also knows that deep down, you are all very grateful to her. Know that Trixie understands perfectly, wishes you no ill will, and accepts your apologies in advance.”

Trixie picked up her trusty umbrella, opened it, and pointed it towards the llamas. Moments later, hundreds of globs of projectiled saliva thudded against the outside of the umbrella.

Trixie grinned. She had done well. As she had told Twilight however many months earlier, a performance from the Great and Powerful Trixie never disappointed.

---

“And that is how Trixie united the ancient llama tribes of Acapalka for the first time in hundreds of years, completing the map’s quest,” Trixie said. She lounged on Twilight’s throne and slurped on a milkshake.

“By irritatin’ the llamas into forming an army to banish you from their country?” Applejack asked.

“Exactly,” Trixie said, slurping away. “Trixie accepts that the genius of her plan may be lost on lesser minds.”

“But did you really have to burn down all those villages?” Twilight asked.

“Yes,” Trixie said, and slurped.

“Well, the your mark has disappeared from the map,” Twilight said, gesturing to the location of Acapalka. “So at least it seems to consider your work finished.”

“Trixie accepts your congratulations.”

“You’ll also be happy to know what while the newly united tribes of Acapalka did initially declare war on Equestria, Celestia has managed to negotiate a peace treaty.”

“On the grounds that no ponies are allowed anywhere near Acapalka for at least a hundred years,” Applejack added.

Trixie nodded. “That is good to hear. Trixie is ready for her next assignment now.”

Twilight and Applejack exchanged a confused look. “What do you mean?” Twilight asked.

“Trixie is ready to unleash friendship and harmony onto new lands. Point the direction, and Trixie will carry your banner there.”

Twilight bit her lip. “Oh, Trixie. I thought you knew. You can’t go on anymore friendship expeditions.”

Trixie choked on her milkshake. “What?”

“Trixie,” Twilight started, speaking gently, “one stipulation of the treaty was that you pay for your crimes against the llamas. I’m sorry, but you’re going to be arrested today, and then you’ll spend at least a decade in prison. I was just letting you rest here until the guards come for you.”

Trixie gaped at her. “But Trixie helped the ugly llamas work together!”

“By burning down their villages,” Applejack said.

“I’m surprised the guards aren’t already here. They must be running late,” Twilight said. “I’m in trouble too, you know, for letting you go when you were clearly emotionally unstable. A hundred weeks of community service.”

Trixie looked between them, smiling as if she expected them to reveal that it was all a joke. But when she found no humor in their faces, her smile fell away and she slumped in her seat. “Will Trixie at least have time to finish her milkshake before they come get her?” she asked.

Twilight frowned. “Probably not.”

“Oh,” Trixie said.

Trixie considered for a moment. Then she slurped vigorously and messily at her milkshake.