Twilight Sparkle stayed hidden in the bush. She couldn’t quite believe her ears.

She’d been beckoned by the mayor to deal with a strange, cussing pony stomping around the outskirts of town. He had a light green coat, a black mane, a flat-billed cap turned backwards, and the most vivid vocabulary Twilight had ever witnessed.

Her eyebrows and wings shot up. If that stranger was a dressmaker, he could put Rarity out of business with how seamlessly he strung swears together. Twilight didn’t know whether to be offended or impressed.

She had to evaluate the severity of the situation. Looking down at the profanometer in her hooves, she watched the little dial settle on 80 swears per minute. This was serious. However, she was a princess, in need of practice in negotiation and conflict resolution.

But just as she was about to step out from behind the bush, the strange pony started to cry. Not just cry, though—he wailed and sobbed like a foal. Twilight pulled her hoof back in. The profanometer dial went down to 35 spm.

Maybe he just needed a friend now. Twilight took a deep breath in. Rarity would’ve been better at this. Maybe Fluttershy. No, Twilight thought. This was a job for her. ‘Friendship’ was the other half of her title, after all.

She stepped out of the bush and walked towards the pony. Now that she was close, she could make out the word ‘swag’ on the back of his hat, whatever that could mean. He was hunched over, weeping with his back to her. She considered patting his back, but she decided against it. “Excuse me? Hello?”

He turned around, wiping his nose as he looked up at Twilight. “Oh God, there’s even a purple one,” he said, before adding on some more colorful words.

Twilight didn’t know if she was supposed to be insulted by this. She stood there for a minute, watching him curl into a ball and blubber away. Then, she took a deep breath. Get him to talk. Ponies like to talk. “Um, what’s wrong?”

He simply shook his head and turned away, crying a little more and muttering more swears. Twilight was pretty sure most of them were directed at her now. She took another breath before walking around in front of him. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Don’t even, dude. You’re not even real. This is… I’m on something, aren’t I? Yeah, I’m on something,” he said, nodding to himself. “Ugh. Hashtag messed.”

Twilight sat down in front of him, trying to push past whatever nonsense he was spouting. “What’s wrong?” she said. “What happened?”

The pony looked down. “I was on my way to the dopest New Year’s party of the year, and tonight was the night, you know? I was straight gonna hook up with Jennifer. I mean, we’ve been texting for weeks. And at six today she said ‘coming 2 brody’s 2nite?’ and I said ‘yaasss u kno it bae’ and she said ‘k :) bring nachos ;)’.” The pony covered his head with his hooves. “She used the winky face, bro! So I drove over, but then the portal came out of nowhere, and, well, now I’m here,” he said, starting to cry again.

Nope, just more nonsense. Perhaps somepony could translate for her. “Do you have any friends or family living near—”

“I had such a hot bod!” He blurted, reaching up and pulling her face close to his, tears streaming from his eyes. “I was so swole. And now look at me!” He poked his pudgy pony tummy, which only made him bawl harder. “My abs,” he choked out. “My rock-hard abs. They’re gone.”

Twilight sighed, having no clue what ‘abs’ could mean. Regardless, she patted him on the back. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“It’s okay. My life, right? Hashtag Mondays.” He chuckled, shaking his head. “Smh. Can you help me get home? Or at least find a gym?”

“Sure,” Twilight said, helping the pony to his feet. “I’ll do my best to help you. But you have to stop swearing, okay? You’re scaring everypony.”

“ ‘Everypony’,” he said, laughing to himself before letting another curse loose. “Oh, right. No swears.”

Twilight walked with him. She put a hoof around his shoulder, but he refused it. She didn’t take it personally. “And, uh, I’ll help you find your abs, okay?”

The pony wiped his nose and nodded. “That doesn’t make sense, but okay.”

Twilight snorted. ‘Make sense’.