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Why Pony Pants Were Invented
One day, Spike asked Rarity a question.
Spike asked this particular question because he didn’t wear pants. Neither did Rarity, or just about anyone else he knew or cared about. He knew ponies wore dresses and jackets and ties and skirts and overalls and scarves and hats and shoes and even, on very rare but what he thought were absolutely wonderful occasions, lingerie, and he knew why they wore all those things. They wore those things because they wanted attention.
He had seen ponies wear every one of those things except for that last one (and he knew for certain that he someday would see somepony wear that last one), but he still knew that ponies did wear lingerie, because he had once found some in the bottom of Rarity’s dresser (and that’s how he knew for certain that he would someday see somepony wear it).
He had never seen anypony wear pants, though.
And yet, pants existed. Rarity even sold some in her Boutique, though no one ever bought them.
So the question Spike asked Rarity was, “Why were pants invented?”
Rarity answered Spike’s question with a story.
The story went like this:
Once upon a time, there were two ponies who wanted to revolutionize the fashion world. Their names were Tit Wank and Try Hard.
Tit Wank was an elderly fashion designer. He’d spent his life designing dresses and jackets and ties and skirts and overalls and scarves and hats and shoes and even lingerie. His designs were popular, but everything he designed was only popular for a short time before the public moved on to something else. His designs were like Pop Rocks sizzling excitedly on a frog’s tongue. Inevitably, they quickly dissolved and then the frog went back to eating flies. Tit Wank wanted to create a design so extraordinarily innovative and unconventional it would never be forgotten or go out of style, a design that would outlast every of the public’s finicky whims. He wanted to make frogs lose their appetite for flies forever.
Try Hard was Tit Wank’s young apprentice. Tit Wank taught Try Hard everything he knew about fashion, but Try Hard only wanted to become popular. He never cared about the designs themselves.
Tit Wank worked day and night on his new design, drawing and scribbling and sewing, then crumpling and erasing and cutting everything he’d drawn, scribbled, sewed. He worked meticulously. Every stitch was precise. He worked for hours at a time, stopping only when his exhausted hooves could draw, scribble, sew no more. Slowly, the new design emerged.
Tit Wank called his new design ‘pants.’
One night, there was an explosion at Tit Wank’s workshop while Try Hard was out. Try Hard rushed back to the workshop and found his mentor lying on the floor. Tit Wank’s body was mangled and burnt, and they both knew he would soon die.
Between strangled breaths, Tit Wank asked Try Hard to finish his incomplete design, but Try Hard hesitated. He only wanted to make popularity-assured designs.
Knowing this, Tit Wank called his apprentice very close and whispered into Try Hard’s ear, “If you shit your pants, they’ll put you in the newspaper,” and then died.
Try Hard had always wanted to be in the newspaper.
Immediately, as his mentor’s body lay bleeding on the floor, Try Hard set about repairing the workshop and completing Tit Wank’s pants. Unfortunately, Try Hard didn’t care about the design itself. He only cared about what could be gotten through the design, the fame and the respect and the newspaper. He ignored most of Tit Wank’s exhaustively written notes concerning the pants’ design so he could rush them to completion.
As soon as they were finished, Try Hard slipped his legs into the newly-made ‘pants’ and then promptly took a shit in them.
The very next day, a newspaper published a story about it.
Other ponies bought and wore pants because they knew the design was associated with Tit Wank, the legendary designer.
Try Hard became popular, too.
But because their design sucked, ponies quickly forgot about pants and stopped wearing them and moved on to the next big thing.
And that was why pants were invented.
“Wait,” Spike said, “I don’t get it. Why would anypony make something so stupid and impractical, especially when it sounds like Tit Wank’s real design was probably something actually cool? And why would anypony still wear them?”
“Because,” Rarity said, “everypony is an attention whore.”
Spike asked this particular question because he didn’t wear pants. Neither did Rarity, or just about anyone else he knew or cared about. He knew ponies wore dresses and jackets and ties and skirts and overalls and scarves and hats and shoes and even, on very rare but what he thought were absolutely wonderful occasions, lingerie, and he knew why they wore all those things. They wore those things because they wanted attention.
He had seen ponies wear every one of those things except for that last one (and he knew for certain that he someday would see somepony wear that last one), but he still knew that ponies did wear lingerie, because he had once found some in the bottom of Rarity’s dresser (and that’s how he knew for certain that he would someday see somepony wear it).
He had never seen anypony wear pants, though.
And yet, pants existed. Rarity even sold some in her Boutique, though no one ever bought them.
So the question Spike asked Rarity was, “Why were pants invented?”
Rarity answered Spike’s question with a story.
The story went like this:
Once upon a time, there were two ponies who wanted to revolutionize the fashion world. Their names were Tit Wank and Try Hard.
Tit Wank was an elderly fashion designer. He’d spent his life designing dresses and jackets and ties and skirts and overalls and scarves and hats and shoes and even lingerie. His designs were popular, but everything he designed was only popular for a short time before the public moved on to something else. His designs were like Pop Rocks sizzling excitedly on a frog’s tongue. Inevitably, they quickly dissolved and then the frog went back to eating flies. Tit Wank wanted to create a design so extraordinarily innovative and unconventional it would never be forgotten or go out of style, a design that would outlast every of the public’s finicky whims. He wanted to make frogs lose their appetite for flies forever.
Try Hard was Tit Wank’s young apprentice. Tit Wank taught Try Hard everything he knew about fashion, but Try Hard only wanted to become popular. He never cared about the designs themselves.
Tit Wank worked day and night on his new design, drawing and scribbling and sewing, then crumpling and erasing and cutting everything he’d drawn, scribbled, sewed. He worked meticulously. Every stitch was precise. He worked for hours at a time, stopping only when his exhausted hooves could draw, scribble, sew no more. Slowly, the new design emerged.
Tit Wank called his new design ‘pants.’
One night, there was an explosion at Tit Wank’s workshop while Try Hard was out. Try Hard rushed back to the workshop and found his mentor lying on the floor. Tit Wank’s body was mangled and burnt, and they both knew he would soon die.
Between strangled breaths, Tit Wank asked Try Hard to finish his incomplete design, but Try Hard hesitated. He only wanted to make popularity-assured designs.
Knowing this, Tit Wank called his apprentice very close and whispered into Try Hard’s ear, “If you shit your pants, they’ll put you in the newspaper,” and then died.
Try Hard had always wanted to be in the newspaper.
Immediately, as his mentor’s body lay bleeding on the floor, Try Hard set about repairing the workshop and completing Tit Wank’s pants. Unfortunately, Try Hard didn’t care about the design itself. He only cared about what could be gotten through the design, the fame and the respect and the newspaper. He ignored most of Tit Wank’s exhaustively written notes concerning the pants’ design so he could rush them to completion.
As soon as they were finished, Try Hard slipped his legs into the newly-made ‘pants’ and then promptly took a shit in them.
The very next day, a newspaper published a story about it.
Other ponies bought and wore pants because they knew the design was associated with Tit Wank, the legendary designer.
Try Hard became popular, too.
But because their design sucked, ponies quickly forgot about pants and stopped wearing them and moved on to the next big thing.
And that was why pants were invented.
“Wait,” Spike said, “I don’t get it. Why would anypony make something so stupid and impractical, especially when it sounds like Tit Wank’s real design was probably something actually cool? And why would anypony still wear them?”
“Because,” Rarity said, “everypony is an attention whore.”