"My dear, I..."

Persnickety gazed through his monocle across the table into her sparkling eyes. They matched the orange bandanna she wore around her neck, and shone with wisdom beyond their years. The sight of her pristine green coat and flowing white mane beckoned words from his lips.

"We have spent so little time together, yet I feel I must let my heart speak." He reached out one well-manicured hoof and grasped hers, eliciting a giggle from the mare he had shared a gourmet meal with not half an hour ago.

"It was your radiant beauty which drew me to you, but I have since come to understand your true beauty... within."

"Ee-hee-hee!" the mare giggled, batting her eyelashes. "Why Persy, you know just how to charm a lady."

Her voice was not the most pleasant, slightly raspy around the edges, but he had surmised that she'd smoked in her youth. Surely, they were none of them perfect, and she had obviously quit, judging by her pristine white teeth and the pleasant aroma of lavender and lime that emanated from her.

"And such a lady you are." He drew forward, voice growing husky with fervor. "Your wit, your humility, your country charm... I had thought Ponyville a town devoid of beauty, yet I see now how utterly foolish I have been.

"I may be more foolish yet to ask this after such a brief acquaintance, yet I feel I have no choice." He sank to one knee, still holding her hoof, and gazed into her eyes. "I would be the happiest stallion in Equestria if you would consent to be my bride."

"Yee-hee-hee!" his companion cheered, wrenching her hoof free and standing on her chair, whereupon she performed a sprightly jig. "I still got it! I still got it!"

"Granny, there you are!"

The voice made Persnickety turn, to see an orange mare and a large red earth stallion running toward him. The mare tipped up her leather Stetson and nodded to him.

"Dreadful sorry, Mister, if she's been botherin' ya any. She got away from us after the spa treatment and we been lookin' for her all day."

Face a picture of abject confusion, Persnickety looked from the strange new mare to the one dancing on the tabletop, feeling a strange numbness overtake him.

"Granny? But she cannot be older than I!"

Just then, "Granny" slipped from the table, landing with a crash beneath the tablecloth, still chuckling to herself. The earth stallion rushed forward and helped her up. She shook her head to clear it, and in doing so, her perfectly smooth features unsettled, melting grotesquely into layer after layer of thick wrinkles over her face.

"Aw, fiddle-faddle! There goes mah facial!" The wrinkled old mare pouted, then grinned and began advancing toward him. "Nevermind! C'mere, Persy and give us a smooch!"

In the history of emasculating screams heard in Ponyville, Persnickety's was second only to that let out by Caramel, after a mishap at Fluttershy's cottage had launched a trio of shaken and traumatized mice into his bedroom. The beefy aristocrat's eyes rolled back in his head and he fainted dead away.

Granny Smith frowned and stuck out her tongue. "That's the problem with stallions these days: no fortitude!"

"Granny, please, let's just go," Applejack said as Big Macintosh got behind her and began to push. "It was plum nice of Rarity to get you them spa tickets for your birthday, but next time would ya kindly let the gentlepony know what he's getting' inta before he proposes?"

"Ahh, yer just jealous!" Granny huffed but allowed herself to be pushed towards Sweet Apple Acres. Then she started chortling.

"Next time, I'll let 'im know what he's getting' inta all right! Ah-hee-hee! Ah-hee-hee-hee!"

Applejack and Big Mac's faces registered equal levels of shock and disgust, and they shouted in unison.

"Augh, Granny!"