"I'm so excited! I can't believe I'm really doing this! I mean, are you sure? You want to... You want to with me? Twilight Sparkle?"

"Why wouldn't I? You're beautiful."

"Well, you're very kind to say that, Field Player, but I'm still learning the basics of friendship and you want to move up to something as extreme as...

"Oh, I can't even say it! I'm sure Cadance would say I'm taking this way too quickly. I mean, we just met! You just arrived today! But then you put on that incredible display of magic, and our eyes met, and you smiled. You remind of that mare Trixie who came to town a few weeks ago, but you're so much nicer. Besides, I've always been curious. You can read about it in textbooks and, er, let's call them less scholarly sources, but there's nothing like firsthoof experience, right?"

"Yeah. Now just follow my lead."

"What? No, no, no, not yet. I have a checklist we have to fill out first."

"A checklist? But we could just—"

"Oh, it'll be over quick. Then we can... heehee!"

"Then let's start. The sooner we finish, the sooner we can...

"That is a large scroll."

"We'll be through before you know it. Now then, is this your first time?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well, it's mine. I guess I can defer to your experience."

"In that case..."

"Horn off the checklist, buster. If we're going to do this, we'll do it properly. Next question, do you have any venereal diseases?"

"What!? Why would you—"

"You know, acting defensively about that kind of thing isn't exactly filling me with confidence."

"No."

"Hmm. Hold still, please...

"Good! You were right, you don't."

"I can taste plaid. What was that?"

"Hey, if you had answered the question right away, I wouldn't have needed to cast the medical scan. Next question... Well, it isn't exactly a question. I'm going to need a cheek swab."

"Why?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. A quick genomic analysis, see if we share any unpleasant recessive traits that might carry over to the foals. I figured this was the best option, but if you'd prefer to give a blood sample..."

"A cheek swab is fine!"

"Heh. I figured. Open wide!

"There, that's that taken care of. Now, do you have any allergies, especially to any kind of dragon byproduct?"

"Drag— No. No allergies."

"Don't worry. He's in Canterlot tonight. Now, any unusual magical sensitivities or resistances?"

"None worth mentioning."

"I hope so, for your sake. Are you on any prescription medications?"

"Nope."

"And you probably won't be operating any heavy machinery, so... do you have a criminal record?"

"... Define 'criminal record.'"

"Criminal record. Noun. A record of a pony's arrests and convictions, generally used by potential employers, moneylenders, romantic partners, and so forth to assess his or her trustworthiness. Are you going to answer the question, or am I going to have to use it in a sentence?"

"Uh, just a few parking tickets."

"Oh, is that all? I've gotten ticketed before, and I don't even have a cart license."

"Then how—?"

"A hot air balloon. Now, I'm going to need a picture of your cutie mark."

"Why?"

"I need submit it to the Royal Bureau of Investigation. They can do a much more thorough background check than I can. It should only take two to four weeks to determine if what we're about to do would be a threat to national security. Oh, I'm so spontaneous!"

"Yeah, no."

"Wait, where are you going? We haven't even started the psychological profile!"

---

Dear Cadance,

Thank you again for your advice on how to deal with pushy stallions. It isn't nearly as bad here in Ponyville as it was in Canterlot, but it's actually a lot more fun now that Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie have introduced me to the world of practical jokes.

Your friend and former babysittee,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I still don't understand why the cheek swab is a bad idea.