“It’s all a bunch of shit, y’know?”

It wasn’t a question. Fair Winds was running his hooves up and down some skinny piece, rubbing her thighs and occasionally slapping her flank, causing that little white lily to jiggle happily. His head was pressed against her chest and occasionally he would pull away to drunkenly shout another half-baked complaint at me.

“All of it. It’s all fucked up, man. This fucking caste system, or whatever you call it, it’s all a goddamn crock ‘a shit.” He pushed the girl away, saying, “Get me another gin and tonic, sweetie,” and he slapped her ass as she walked away. He grinned wolfishly.

I watched her leave, almost feeling sorry for her until I saw her turn around and give him a wink. Bitch.

I took another sip of whiskey, letting it swirl around in my mouth for a bit before swallowing, wondering what kind of sound it would make if I smashed my glass over his head. I decided it would probably be a dull thud followed by the sound of glass shattering.

“Anyway, like I was saying. All of this is just bullshit, man. It’s all a fucking lie perpetuated by the fucking ‘elite’ up in Canterlot. Bunch ‘a fuckin’ high-brow shits. I mean, who says they’re the ones that get to live the life of luxury, huh? Where the fuck’s Fair’s fair share?” He looked at me, waiting for a nod of approval. I didn’t budge. He continued. “I work just as hard as any of those fucks and I’m still down here in the fucking shit, breaking my fucking back all fucking day, a fucking wage-slave to some jackoff asshole who thinks she’s better than me because she’s one of the fucking ‘Elements of Harmony’. Fuck her.”

He went to take a drink from his glass, realizing it was empty he slammed it back down angrily, cracking the glass. “Fuck, man.” He sighed exasperatedly.

I decided, against my better judgement, to entertain him. “Well, a lot of them are born into money. You can’t help that.”

“Fuck that shit, man! That’s fucking bullshit. Just because I was born out here in the fucking sticks doesn’t mean I don’t get to live in Canterlot and fuck all the wealthy mares. Where’s my ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala, eh? When do I get to meet the fucking princess and her fucked up sister, huh?”

“There’s nothing stopping you from going to Canterlot. Go get on a train right now if you want to be there so bad.”

He shrugged. “Money, man. I don’t have the money to just up and leave Ponyville.” He laughed mirthlessly. “Can’t go to Canterlot because I don’t have enough money, but I can’t make enough money working in Ponyville. What a fucking joke...”

“But let’s say you had the money,” I said. “Would you go?”

“You fucking bet I would. I’d give the fucking Princess of the Sun a lesson in shared wealth. That’s how they do it in the Griffon Kingdom, man. Nobody’s ever poor there because they all share money. It’s like a fucking paradise over there, man. Everybody gets to fuck everybody.”

“So, why don’t you go live there, then?”

He huffed. “You know they don’t let ponies into their kingdom, man. Fucking elitist bastards.” He leaned over to look past me towards the bar where the waitress was talking to the bartender. “What the fuck’s taking that bitch so long? It’s fucking gin and tonic.”

“You’re probably not her only customer.”

“Did you see her?” he asked, ignoring me. He licked his lips. “Fucking beautiful isn’t she?”

I bet his tongue wouldn’t be very hard to pull out. Just a little bit of magic and it’d tear off.

“Don’t you have a wife?”

“Tch, fuck that bitch,” he said. “I never get any from her anyway. She stopped putting out after our second kid. Fuck, man, I have to let it out somewhere.”

I didn’t respond.

“Anyway, man, like I was saying earlier, you really need to get out more and—There she is!” His wings fluttered as the waitress came back holding a tray surrounded by light-pink magic in front of her. He licked his lips again. “I was worried you’d forgotten about me, heh.”

Her smile was pretty, I had to admit. Her teeth were so perfect and she showed just the right amount of gum when she opened her mouth. I briefly imagined what she would look like with no teeth. I wonder if she’d scream?

“How could I forget about my favorite customers?” she said, her charming smile complimented by her sweet voice. It was high-pitched, but not too high. A bit like a songbird. Angelic, even.

I saw his eyes move to her flank and he ran his tongue over his upper lip. As she placed the fresh glass down, he said, “Did anyone ever tell you how pretty you are? Like an angel.”

Maybe just a songbird.

She fake blushed, turning away, but he pulled her back and kissed her cheek. “Oh, stop it,” she said playfully. “You know I don’t fool around with customers.” Lying bitch.

He grinned. “Oh, is that so?” Leaning forward, he whispered something in her ear. It was too far away to hear, but I saw her blush, for real this time, and teasingly push him away. “I’ll see you after work, then?” he said. It wasn’t a question.

She didn’t answer, only giving him a sly smile and swatting him lightly with her tail as she went.

After she left, he let out a low whistle, then winked knowingly at me. His wings stuck out stiffly as he grabbed his gin and tonic. Grey feathers poked out like he had just molted for the first time. Probably wouldn’t be too hard to rip them all out. The actual wings would be a little more difficult though.

Smacking his lips, he set the glass down and said, “I need a good fuck, man.” His eyes caught mine and he seemed to remember something. “What were we talking about again?”

“You were telling me that I should get out more,” I said after a moment. I took another sip from my glass.

“Fucking right you do. Man, I don’t know how you can spend all your time working at that fucking shithole. I woulda thought they’d have found some other poor asshole to cart all the dead assholes around.” He leaned forward. “How do you do it, man? You spend all day dealing with these dead fucks, and they pay you fucking shit. I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t fucking do it. Not even if you fucking payed me.” He fell back in his chair and let out a sigh. “It’s fucked up, man. Fucked up.”

“It’s a job,” I answered simply. And the answer was simple. It was the same job my father had, and his father before him, and his father before him. Being a mortician’s assistant wasn’t for everyone, but it was for me. I relished every day I spent there, hoping, dreaming, that I might one day become a full-fledged mortician. But my father hadn’t and neither had his father or his father, so why should I? It was nothing more than a dream, a fantasy.

“Yeah, well it’s one fucked up job, man. Seriously, you’ve gotta be fucked in the head or some shit.” He shook his head, just a little further and it might break. “Hey,” he said, suddenly serious. “I’ve been wondering.” He glanced around shiftily. “You ever fuck any of the stiffs?”

I had, one time. I was curious.

“No.”

“Good, that shit’s weird, man. I don’t think I could even keep it up.” He emptied his glass in one swig and said, “C’mon, let’s get the fuck outta this place.”

He stood up and waved for me to follow. We weaved our way through the myriad of tables and bar patrons towards the exit. All I could smell was the sweat, piss, and booze as we went and it nearly gagged me. I covered my snout and moved as quickly as I could without looking like I was in a rush.

As we pushed our way past a final pair of drunken earth ponies, I could smell the fresh air. Throwing the double doors wide, we strode outside into the warm mid-summer air.

It was dark outside, near midnight, and the only light came from the lantern hanging off to the side of the door. The stars burned bright in the night sky, but their light didn’t reach me, nor did the moon’s, for it was full tonight and did not lighten the blackness surrounding us. I faked a shiver, and said, “I think I’ll head home for tonight. I have to be at work early tomorrow.”

Fair Winds didn’t seem to hear me, but he pretended he had anyway. “Oh, uhh, that’s cool, man. Hey, listen, I’m gonna go wait around back for her. She said she’ll be done in about ten minutes.”

I said nothing.

“So, I guess I’ll see you later, then.” I nodded, and he made to turn away but then stopped hesitantly. He pursed his lips, narrowing his eyes, then relaxed. “You know,” he said slowly. “I bet she wouldn’t mind if you came along too. Heh, might be good for you to get some action, man. A stallion needs a good fuck every once in awhile.” His right hoof reached out and nudged my shoulder in what I guessed was his attempt at a friendly gesture. “C’mon, man.”

I shook my head, saying, “No, I’m sorry. I really have to get home.” I made up some excuse about leaving my lights on, and gave a few more false apologies. It didn’t take much to convince him though. He was gone as soon as I had said, “I really can’t.”

As I walked off towards the deepening darkness, I chanced a look over my shoulder and saw that he had already made his way to the other side of the bar. I stopped and waited a moment to make sure he didn’t come back, then doubled back.

Sneaking as quietly as I could around the wall, I turned the corner to see him, back pressed against the wall, standing by the rear exit, kicking at the dirt. I retreated a step so that only my head was poking out. My coat was dark enough that he probably wouldn’t see me, and even if he did I would just fake some bullshit about changing my mind. Tch, perverted son of a bitch.

I didn’t have to wait long. Within a few minutes, I heard the door open and saw him and her share a sloppy kiss before she pushed him away. A few seconds later, they began trotting off into the dark, his hoof wrapped around her shoulder. If he squeezed right now, he could’ve choked her to death quite easily.

Staying a safe distance behind them, I followed as stealthily as I could and not making a single sound. I could hear them though. They were loud, loud enough that I could hear them even as far back as I was. It was the usual shit from him. All about how hard he was going to fuck her, and how she wouldn’t be able to walk straight the next day. Fucking prick. Her too, she just giggled and played along like the subservient bitch she was.

They stopped at a house not far from the bar. Her place, I guessed since I didn’t recognize it. It was small, probably one bed, one bath, maybe just a half-bath. I couldn’t tell from outside.

They stood outside her door, rubbing up against each other and swapping drunken kisses for a minute or so before she finally managed to fish her keys out and open the door. The practically fell into the house as the door opened, stumbling inside still wrapped around each other. There was a loud click as the door slammed shut, but I waited and didn’t hear a second click. Idiots.

I snuck up to the door and pushed it open in time to see another door slam shut as they entered her bedroom. Closing the door as quietly as I could behind me, I tiptoed my way to the bedroom door and pressed my ear against the wood. I could hear them inside, rustling around and then a thud as they both hit the bed.

It wasn’t long before I began to hear her moans of pleasure and his boorish grunts. They went at it for quite some time, nearly fifteen minutes before I finally heard him release a low, long groan, and then he said, “Fuck me, that was fucking amazing.” Then I heard her fake laugh again and he said, “You’re fucking incredible, you know that?”

A smirk crossed my face and I ignited my horn. Opening the door slowly, I saw him and her sprawled out on the bed, him on top and her on bottom. He looked surprised to see me, but I suppose that was to be expected.

His mouth hung open and she looked like she was about to scream, but nothing came out. “What the fuck, man!” he yelled. “Did you fucking follow us here?” I didn’t answer. He flapped his wings like he was going to take off into the sky, but he didn’t get very far.

Blood splattered all across the floor and the bed, and especially her face, still opened in that silent scream. It wasn’t silent for too much longer though. As soon as the blood hit her face, her eyes widened and she let out a high-pitched screech.

As he hit the bed, landing on his one remaining wing, he yelled, “You fucking cocksucking son of a bitch!” I ignored him and instead turned my attention to the wailing mare.

She didn’t even seem to notice me anymore, instead fixating her attention of the severed wing still twitching with life lying next to her, but she never stopped screaming, at least not until she hit the wall. Her head hit the stone wall with a delicious crunch that sent a shiver down my spine. As she fell away I saw that her horn had been cracked in half and the tip of it was rolling towards me. I kicked it away.

I walked up slowly to Fair Winds and placed my fore-hooves softly against his shoulder to stop him from rolling. He looked up at me, upside down and with a fire in his cobalt eyes. He was breathing heavily and had one hoof placed against his bleeding side. “You motherfucker!” he shouted. “What the fuck are you doing!”

I remained silent. He was about to shout again, but as soon as his mouth opened I caught his tongue with my magic and held it in place. He tried to kick at me but I restrained him. Smiling at him, I began to pull slowly against his tongue, feeling the soft tissue tear ever so slightly. Pulling a little harder, I saw his eyes begin to well with tears and he tried to yank his head away. Then, with a wet popping sound his tongue came loose and blood filled his mouth. He started to gag, so I let him roll onto his stomach and spit the blood out.

At least he couldn’t talk now, though I could still hear his pitiful moans. I was about to just finish him off right there, but I decided it would be more fun to do her first, so I gathered her up and brought her over.

Laying her head next to his, I slapped her face to wake her. Her eyes opened slowly and then, as soon as she saw me, she screamed again. I placed my hoof over her mouth and shushed her saying, “If you shut up, I won’t hurt you anymore.” I raised my eyebrow, waiting for a nod of confirmation. “Good,” I said happily.

As I moved my hoof away, she started sobbing, saying in between sharp gasps, “Please... don’t... hurt... me...”

I smiled warmly. “Don’t worry. I won’t.”

Looking over to him, I said, “Are you watching?”

His eyes burned angrily, and I relished the feeling. He tried to speak, but only wet gurgles came out. I laughed. “Watch her,” I said, nodding to her pretty little head.

I placed my hooves on either side of her head and turned slowly. She tried to reach up and push my hooves away but I used my back legs to kick her in the chest, crushing at least one rib. She groaned, coughing up blood. I twisted further and further.

“Please...” she sobbed. “Please...”

Then, there was a snap and she fell limply to the side. He tried to scream at me, his eyes even more furious than before, his one wing flapping angrily. I let her body hit the floor with a dull thump and turned to him, saying, “Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

I grinned. “I wonder how much force it would take to tear your other wing off?”

And that was when it happened. His eyes softened, and he stopped screaming at me. Instead, a pleading look came over him. His lower lip trembled, and tears streamed down his face. I licked my lips.

I bent down, and stuck my tongue out—

---

“All right, you sick fuck. I’ve heard enough.”

The police officer wrote something down on his clipboard and looked up at me.

“So that was the first time you killed someone?”

I nodded. “Yes, sir.”

He let out a sigh, and I could almost hear him mutter, “Fucking animal”, under his breath. “Okay, tell me about the couple on Maple Avenue.”

I smiled. “Certainly, sir.”