I reckon everything was goin' fine, up until the barn exploded.

"Oh, come on!" Rainbow Dash zooms up out of the trench, and starts wavin' her hooves where everypony can see. "There's no way that's legal! Aren't there rules about property destr—"

And sure as sugar, here comes a banana cream pie, movin' twice as fast as a heap of bad news. It catches Rainbow square on the muzzle, turns her face into a sticky mess of yellow and white. Her eyes bulge wide in anger, and I have to bite her tail to keep her from flyin' off in a fury to do Celestia-knows-what to Pinkie and the others.

"Lemme go, AJ!" she yells. 'Course I don't, though.

"Please, dear, you're making a scene." Rarity magics a tissue at Rainbow and tries to wipe off the pie residue. "Now why don't you head back up to town and treat yourself to a nice, relaxing spa session. I'm sure Aloe and Lotus can help you get cleaned up."

Rainbow grumbles something back, but she's been a mess of trouble all day, and I'm tired of listening to her. "You happy now, Dash? You've been tryin' your darndest to lose this fight since the first skirmish this morning, and now you've gone and got yourself killed."

"But they blew up your barn, AJ!"

"Yeah, well, Twilight and I will have a long talk about that. After. Don't mean you had to start stompin' around and yellin' about it like some fool yak."

"But. They. Blew. Up. Your. Barn."

I narrow my eyes. "Get on outta here, Dash, before I say somethin' I'm like to regret."

"But. They—"

Before she can get out another word, I grab an apple pie of my own and launch it at her. It takes her square in the chest, and her eyes bulge wide again. For a moment, she looks liable to strangle me, but she finally swallows her pride and slumps away.

Rarity clucks at me. "Wasn't that a bit harsh?"

"Don't you start, too."

She huffs. "Really, Applejack. I know you want to win, but that's no excuse for being uncivil."

"This is war, Rares. Civility ain't got no part in it. My pa taught me that a long time ago."

"You mean he...?" Rarity puts a hoof over her mouth and gasps. "Darling! How awful!"

That ain't how it is at all, but I don't bother correcting her. "Why don't you head back to town yourself? Maybe take Fluttershy with you. I know neither of you like this kind of thing."

Rarity tries to hide a smile, but I see it in her eyes. "Are you sure, darling? You'd be okay with that?"

"Sure." I pull my hat down over my eyes and lean back against the wall of the trench.

"Thank you, Applejack. I've been dreading the thought of picking pie crust out of my hair all day." Rarity magics a scarf around her neck and climbs out the front of the trench. "Oh Fluttershy, darling? What do you say the two of us abandon this madness and go have some dinner? Applejack says it's all right."

Under my breath, I start to count.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

I hear a wet smack, followed by an indignant scream. Then, the faint sound of Fluttershy's distant sobbing. I roll my eyes. Neither of those two understand a lick about fighting. Sure, they can be handy in a tight spot, but when push comes to shove, they're both too... civilized.

I stop for a bit to take stock of the situation. Can't use the barn as a fall-back anymore, thanks to Twilight. Outnumbered three-to-one. Rainbow getting her fool self killed closes one of the avenues of attack I'd been tryin' to line up. Letting Rarity go ruins another, but that one was always a long shot. On the plus side, I don't have to deal with either of those two anymore, and Fluttershy and Pinkie aren't like to be much more help to Twilight than Rainbow and Rarity were to me.

In the end, it's an easy choice—and it should take two of my enemies by surprise. I hoist a white flag and start wavin' it about. Then I load three last pies into my saddlebags and climb out of the trench.

My pa was the greatest pie fighter of his generation, and this Apple don't fall far from the tree.