Act one, scene one: Bonbon, Lyra

Whistling, Bonbon pads into the house. She closes the door carefully.

Bonbon: Lyra?

She looks around, waits for an answer, but there is none.

Bonbon: Lyra! Where are you?

She listens attentively. After a few seconds, a faint clicking sound can be heard.

Bonbon (sighs, ears flopping): Oh no…

She thumps to the door of the bedroom and flings it open. Lyra is lying on the bed, typing on a laptop computer.

Bonbon: LYRA! What are you doing?

Startled, Lyra precipitately closes the computer’s lid.

Lyra: Oh! Hi sweetie! Err… Nothing.

Slightly flushing, Lyra smiles awkwardly at Bonbon.

Bonbon: My hoof! Don’t tell me you’ve taken to visiting those dating websites for humans again?

Lyra (facehoofs): Don’t be ridiculous, sug’! It was such a crazy experience…

Bonbon (shrugs): Whose fault?

Lyra: Okay, maybe I just went a teensy-weensy bit too far with my profile picture?

Bonbon: I told you it wasn’t a good idea to pick that – err… girl – what was her name?

Lyra: Pamela Anderson.

Bonbon: And nude at that!

Lyra (arches an eyebrow): So what? Do we clothe?

Bonbon: Of course not! But we ponies are a superior species.

Lyra: I swear I simply looked up images tagged “horny humans” on Poodle!

Bonbon (surprised): What’s Poodle?

Lyra (rolls her eyes): An up to sniff search engine, www.k9.dog.

Bonbon (puzzled): And why the hay did you have to specify ‘horny’?

Lyra (shrugs): You’re not a unicorn, you cannot understand. I regret nothing.

Bonbon (peeved): Pfff… So what’s your hugger-mugger business with that computer?

Lyra (sighs): All right, all right. I was writing a fiction for a contest.

Bonbon: What!?

Lyra reopens the computer’s lid, shifts on the bed and magically turns the computer so that the screen faces Bonbon.

Lyra: Take a gander.

Bonbon (squints): Err… This time, the contest was fraught with unbearable tension. Would Titanium Dragon, who had vanished from the face of the earth three weeks ago, eventually reappear? The suspense was overwhelming.

Lyra: What do you think of it?

Bonbon: Charming but not very specific. I don’t think you’ll ever earn a prize with such a prose. What is it about?

Lyra: The prompt is I regret nothing. Since I wasn’t that thrilled about it, I went for a “meta-fic”.

Bonbon (perplexed): Who is that Titanium Dragon you write about?

Lyra: The gist of the contest is anonymity. Everypony picks a nickname, though. It’s a funny game trying to guess who’s hiding behind each one.

Bonbon (smiling): Show me! Show me! Oh! Titanium Dragon… that’s an obvious one. Who’s next? Present Perfect?

Lyra: A wild shot?

Bonbon (ponders, then shakes her head): No. Beats me…

Lyra: That’s Rarity.

Bonbon: Uh!? Why?

Lyra: It’s a pun on her ‘perfect presentation’.

Bonbon (rolls her eyes): Super Trampoline… Now who can that be?

Lyra: Come on, don’t pretend to be dumber than you are! Who keeps bumping around all day long?

Bonbon: Okay I see now! I think I’m cottoning on to that game. (She presses the down-arrow key to scroll the screen down.) Cerulean voice… Must be a singer… Err… Fluttershy!

Lyra: Well done, honey!

Bonbon (beams): Hmmm… Lemme see. Trick Question?

Lyra: This one is more difficult.

Bonbon (hums and haws): Trixie?

Lyra: I don’t think so. Well, it’s true she says she lives in the boondocks. At first, I thought about AppleJack. But she also claims she teaches at Equestria university in Canterlot, and she writes a bunch about fancy science. I’m not sure, but I think it’s Princess Sparkle herself.

Bonbon (gasps): Gee! Princess Sparkle! Even the royalty’s keen on your contest? Spectral… got it! Rainbow Dash! (Pauses.) But, by the way, what’s your nickname?

Lyra (points her hoof at the screen): Here.

Bonbon (pulls a dubious face): Now can you tell me what the hay does that mean?

Lyra: Nothing particular. No more than M1Garand8 or Waterpear.

Bonbon: Agreed, but it sounds cr—

Lyra (Cuts Bonbon off. Huffily): All right, enough yackety-yaking. I’ve two hours to submit my fiction, so I’d rather get cracking. (She gets off the bed, walks to Bonbon and pushes her towards the exit.) Good bye! (She slams the door of the bedroom shut.)

Bonbon (dazed, slowly pulls herself together. Then yells): GOOD LUCK, “COLD IN GARDEZ”!