León collapsed to the floor tiles, the filing cabinet at last set against the door. Right on time, for he could hear someone setting keys to the lock. He pressed his back to the cabinet and his feet against the opposite wall of the storage closet, heart pounding as the door handle turned. A muffled curse rose through the door when it refused to open.

A haughty female voice rang out. “Oh my, such foul language.”

“Sorry, Rarity, it’s just that he’s usually not like this. León’s a stiff, but he’s not a bad guy.”

They were talking. León could hear the things’ voices, just as described! He covered his face with shaking hands and struggled to think, but the only thoughts that made themselves known were This isn’t happenineg! and Why didn’t the idiot listen?

Someone banged on the door. “Come on, León, what’s wrong with you? The ponies aren’t dangerous.”

“Yes they are!” León pointed at the air, having nothing better to target. “I told you not to bring them here! Do you have any idea how many protocols you’ve violated?”

“I bring stuff through the portal all the time.”

“Authorized items only, Derrick!” The door tried to open again; León braced between the wall and the filing cabinet. “You don’t know what those… those things can do.”

“ ‘Can do?’ ” That voice was new, and full of confusion. “Haven’t you been delivering reports about our abilities, Derrick?”

“Yes,” Derrick grumbled, “and he’s been reading them. Diligently. The jerk loves his reports almost as much as he loves ‘by the book.’ ”

“There’s no need to call him names,” the voice scolded. “He just doesn’t understand. We need to be patient.”

“Yeah… you’re right, of course. Sorry, Princess.”

“How many times do I have to tell you to call me Twilight?”

“As many times as it takes for it to not be mind-bendingly adorable when you correct me, Princess.”

“Oh, you…”

‘Mind bending’ was exactly what had León so horrified. “Derrick, please, don’t you see what they’ve done to you? Get your common sense back and send them home!”

“Hey! What are ya accusin’ me an’ my friends of doin’?”

“Calm down, Applejack.”

“But he’s makin’ us sound like a buncha varmints!”

“You are!” León banged his elbow against the cabinet for the extra attention. “You’re all… uh… ‘varmints.’ Now go home!”

“I dunno, Twilight,” a fourth voice said, “this guy doesn’t seem very friendly. And here I thought humans were all gonna be as awesome as Derrick.”

“Humans are not awesome,” León insisted, grabbing hold of every option his frantic mind could conjure. “Nope, we’re boring as hell, so you might as well go home.”

“Maybe he’s just not in a good mood,” yet another voice said. How many had that idiot brought through? “Like Cranky sometimes is when I come by his place real early. I know, why don’t we take a look around? I bet there are tons more friends to be made than just this León pony.”

“ ‘Person,’ Pinkie,” Derrick corrected. “The word is ‘person.’ ”

“Pony, person, whatever! I’m with Pinkie. Come on, let’s find some other humans to talk to.”

“Right behind ya, Dashie!”

“No!” León jumped to his feet, eyes wide as he turned to reach for the doorknob. He just barely stopped himself. “Derrick, don’t let them go. They’ll spread like a plague!”

“A plague?” Derrick laughed. “What are you expecting, León? You think every person who meets a pony is gonna be walking around with their arms raised and moaning ‘Pooooooonnniiiiiieeeesssss?’ ”

“Do you have any idea how accurate that is on a metaphorical level?” León banged his fists against the top of the filing cabinet with a snarl. “Damn it, Derrick, this is exactly the kind of thing I was hired on to prevent. It’s my job to keep the world and this facility safe from infections and other threats that may appear in the other world, and—”

“Threats? Mr. Villanueva— Did I pronounce that right? Oh, good, I’d hate to be insulting on my first major diplomatic mission as a princess.”

León grasped at the opportunity like a life ring in the open ocean. Princess Twilight was the smart, by-the-book type, right? “Princess, if you really want to keep this from becoming a seriously negative inter-dimensional incident, you will grab your friends and go back where you came from. You’re ruining our due process!”

“Oh, my…” Twilight sounded appropriately worried, and León began to detect the slightest bit of hope. Maybe he could undo the damage before things got out of hand. "I do know how frustrating it can be to have the rules violated, even unintentionally."

“I don’t know, Twilight,” Rarity said. “Princess Celestia asked us to come here, did she not? Surely our human friends won’t mind at least a short visit in the name of amiable relations and not offending the ruler and most powerful individual in our world.”

“Well said, Rarity.”

León wrung his hands and began to hyperventilate. “Derrick, you moron!”

“Alright, this feller’s just bein’ rude,” Applejack griped. “I’m gonna go explore with Pinkie and Rainbow.”

“I think I’ll join you,” Rarity said. “Hopefully the rest of this world’s denizens will be as polite as Derrick.”

“Goddamn it, Derrick, stop them!” This time León’s punch left a dent in the filing cabinet.

“León, they’re not hurting anything.”

León tugged at his hair. “Look at what they did to you!”

“They haven’t done a thing to me.”

“Bull! You don’t like cute things, you like guns and Harleys and half-naked blondes on a spread.” León pointed at the door. “They’ve warped your brain, screwed with your head, turned you into something you’re not!”

Twilight gave an indignant shout. “That’s not true! We haven’t cast a single spell on Derrick.”

“W-well,” a small voice spoke up, “you did cast that cloud-walking spell on him a few visits ago.”

“Not helping, Fluttershy.”

The door handle rattled yet again, and León slammed his shoulder against the filing cabinet. “Come on, León,” Derrick called, “they didn’t do anything to my head. I don’t care how manly you are, there’s no way to not fall in love with these ponies. They’re just so bucking adorable.”

León’s jaw dropped. “D-did you just say ‘bucking?’ ”

“Well, they won’t let me say the real curse words.”

Slapping his hands to his face, León felt his guts twist as he imagined the entire world shifting to such silly, ‘cute’ words. “This is a disaster.”

Derrick sighed. “León, you’re too tense for your own good. Ya gotta relax, take these things as they come. These girls are all about the ‘magic of friendship.’ Maybe if you tried to be nice then you’d see that this is not a bad thing.”

León pressed his back to the wall and dropped to a sitting position, still covering his face as despair swept over him. “How could you do this, Derrick? How could you betray humanity?”

“And I thought Rarity was a drama queen,” Twilight quipped.

“I know, right? You’re too serious, León.”

León said nothing. He just sat there, face in his hands, and rocked. He prayed that someone in the facility would realize what was happening and call the outside world for help, or at least initiate a quarantine. Perhaps that way this… this ‘cute’ infection could be stopped before it went any farther.

“Hey, guys!”

“Oh, hey Rainbow,” Twilight replied. “Did you go through the entire facility already?”

“Uh, duh, fastest flier in Equestria, remember? And now in this world too, I bet. But hey, guess what? There are tons of humans here! And they’re all a lot friendlier than Mr. Closet Case there.”

“Dash, don’t be rude. His name’s Mr. Villanueva.”

León groaned as his hopes were shattered. “Please tell me someone initiated a quarantine.”

Rainbow answered him directly, which only made him feel sick to his stomach. “Some guy in a blue suit did shout about starting this quarantine thingy, but then Pinkie gave him a hug. Last I saw him, he was nuzzling with Rarity and fawning over her mane.” She made a retching sound. “What the heck’s a quarantine, anyway?”

“It’s a method of keeping diseases from spreading,” Twilight said, her tone dull. “Mr. Villanueva, friendship is not a contagion. And don’t try to fool us, Rainbow, we know you got a few nuzzles in there too.”

Derrick chuckled. “Yeah, I bet you even raced Pinkie to see who could get the most cuddles in.”

“D-did not!”

Their laughter was like a poison seeping into the crevices of León’s mind. He slumped against the wall and stared at the ceiling, heart rent in two. The world was doomed, and all because one explorer couldn’t hold on to his masculinity. He began looking around; maybe he could find a weapon of some kind and take his own life before his identity became another victim of this multicolored terror.

He could just make out Fluttershy’s whisper through the overworked nerve network of his fatigued brain. “S-so, um… Rainbow? The other humans, they're… nice, right? L-like Derrick?”

“Oh yeah, totally. Plenty of ear-scratches to go around.” Rainbow went silent for a couple seconds, then moaned. “So goooood…”

Derrick chuckled.

Fluttershy abruptly sounded far more chipper. “Oh, that’s good. Then I think I’ll go and say hello to our new—”

“Wait!”

León looked up at the silence that followed Rainbow’s outburst, his peering gaze set on the door.

Rainbow used a ridiculously loud whisper. “Twilight, secret weapon.”

“Secret weapon? Rainbow, what are you… oooooh.”

Fluttershy’s squeak was barely audible through the wood. “W-why are you all looking at me l-like that?”

The handle rattled, and León crouched as if he might attack despite the filing cabinet keeping the door firmly closed. “Last chance, León,” Derrick said. “Let us in or we’ll have to unleash the big guns.”

“Not a chance in hell!” León pressed his back to the cabinet yet again and crossed his arms. “I’d rather die than let them brainwash me with their… whatever.”

“Alright, you asked for it. Come on, Fluttershy.”

Another squeak through the door. “Derrick, w-what are you doing?”

“Up here.” A loud clang followed the sound of Twilight’s voice. “You can get in this way.”

León’s eyes widened.

“Me? Oh, no no no!”

“Come on, Fluttershy!” Rainbow cheered. “You’re, like, the epitome of adorableness.”

“Nice word choice, Rainbow.”

“Not now, egghead! Fluttershy, I bet if we took your blood sample and looked under one of those microscopes we’d see a bunch of baby bunnies and kittens. Tell her, Derrick.”

“It’s true,” Derrick said. “I mean, you’re all cute, but you are a like 100-proof Cute-brand whiskey.”

“I have no idea what that means. D-do I have to go?”

“No!” León shook his head frantically, despite there being nobody there to see it. “No, you don’t, and you really don’t wanna, ‘cause I… uh… I eat ponies! Y-yeah, and I’m super mean to boot, a real kitten-kicking bastard!”

“O-oh my, how could you do such a thing?”

Derrick laughed, the sound sending a fresh chill down León’s spine. “Nice try, but I know you’ve got four cats back home. Stop trying to scare her with lies.”

“Four cats? That’s wonderful!”

If León ever saw Leopold, Long Nine, Otto and Santa Anna again, he’d give each of them a good punt. He could hear banging in the walls along the corner of the room, and promptly climbed back to his feet. “What are you doing? Whatever it is, you better stop it right now, y-you hear me?” Turning a circle revealed nothing he might use for self defense; just more filing cabinets. Heart pounding, he tried to open one, only to find it locked. “I’m armed! I’ll… I’ll shoot you!”

Derrick’s tone was dull. “Bullshit, there are no weapons in there.”

“Hey!”

“Sorry, Rainbow.”

“Don’t let me hear you say that ag… Ooooh, yeah, that’s the spot.”

León tore at the filing cabinets, but not a single one opened. “Oh please no, oh please no…”

A weird tinkling sound caressed his ear, followed by a zap and something falling to the floor. León jerked towards the sound, his back pressed to the wall and his heart trying to crack his ribcage. Though his eyes darted around the room, he could see nothing.

“He looks so scared.”

León’s eyes rose to the voice, now clear and unimpeded, and his breath caught in his throat. There, crouched in the vent that had apparently been knocked open, was this small, purple… thing with huge, unnatural violet eyes, multi-colored hair and a horn sticking from its head. Its visage filled him with terror, not in that it was ugly, but that it was – and he felt a piece of his soul die at the thought – cute.

The creature stared at him, and he stared right back. It tilted its head quizzically. It smiled, displaying two rows of horribly perfect teeth.

Then it disappeared back into the vent.

León’s legs gave out and he fell to the floor, sitting against the wall and sucking in sharp gasps. His most primitive mental defense was to think of this as some kind of colorful nightmare, but by God, he’d seen it. They were really here, and everything was far too lucid for this to be a dream. He curled into a ball and sobbed as full, total understanding of his doom at last fell upon him.

“Oh my goodness, he really does look scared!” This new voice, softer than the last, made him look up… and what he saw took his breath away. It was so sickeningly adorable with its pink mane and big, hopeful eyes that he wondered if his own weren’t bleeding from the sheer mental impact.

The creature crawled out of the vent and opened tiny yellow wings far too small to support its weight, yet that’s precisely what they did. León’s mind fractured in its attempt to reconcile this blatant defiance of physics; reading about it in Derrick’s reports were nothing in comparison to the real thing.

The creature, some kind of cartoonish monstrosity that somewhat resembled a pony, floated to the floor and landed on four hooves. It was then that León realized just how incredibly small it was; even with its head up, it wouldn’t have reached his waist. The brightly colored thing he assumed was called Fluttershy approached, flashing a smile so brilliant it threatened to turn his heart into warm goo.

“N-no… don’t come any c-closer.” León covered his face beneath his arms and trembled, not daring to look at the monstrosity any more. “Please, I d-don’t wanna be your friend.”

“It’s okay,” Fluttershy cooed, her voice as soft as downy feathers on his ear. “There there, we’re not going to hurt you. I promise.”

“Y-you lie.” He squeezed into the corner of the room, tears streaming down his cheeks. “I w-won’t be me anymore.” Her hooves clopped against the tiles, slow and careful and growing ever louder. León gritted his teeth and kept his arms wrapped tight around his face, determined not to risk even the smallest glance. “Keep away. You’re not cute, I don’t like l-like you, I don’t w-wanna be your friend.”

“I don’t think that’s true at all. Everypony wants friends.”

“I’m not a p-pony.”

“Every… person?”

“Everyone,” Derrick called helpfully through the door.

“Oh, thank you; everyone wants friends.”

“Not me!” León shook his head beneath the tight confines of his arms. “I’m mean. I… I hate friendship! I’m human, and y-you can’t take that away from me.”

“Well of course I can’t, silly.” Fluttershy giggled; it was the audio equivalent of a million puppies gazing up from beneath the dining room table or an army of kittens tangled in twine. It sucked the air out of León’s lungs and threaten to shatter his fragile grasp of common sense.

Something touched his arm and, before he knew it, León had hurtled himself to his feet and let out as vicious a snarl as ever he’d known. “Get away from me, you monster!”

What happened next was beyond León’s mental capacity for resistance: Fluttershy retreated as if stung, her rump smacking the opposite wall as she dropped to the floor and began trembling like a leaf. Tears threatened to burst from her big cyan eyes, and before long that threat became a reality as she buried her face beneath dainty hooves and quietly wept.

León stood there, numbed to silence at the sight before him. It tugged viciously at his heart, violently pierced his eyes and clutched at his brain like razor-sharp talons. He wanted to look away, he demanded of himself that he do so.

But… it was so…

“Hey!” A familiar voice wormed its way through the fog of his brain. “Is she crying? What did that bucker do to Fluttershy?”

“Hold on, Rainbow.”

“But—”

“Just wait.”

No, don’t wait. León silently pleaded for them not to wait. Rush in, hit him on the head, knock him out, kill him if necessary, so long as he didn’t succumb to the treasonous weakness in his heart! Every fiber of his being begged him to give in to the noose gradually tightening about his brain stem and force-feeding feelings of empathy to his cerebral cortex. His left brain, screaming in defiance and fighting its oppressor tooth and nail, steadily collapsed under the pressure as his right brain gorged on yummy, butterfly-shaped steroids and threw all its superpowered energy into action.

He hated it, her quiet weeping. All he did was shout! The stupid creature needed more of a backbone.

He hated it, her quiet weeping. He shouldn’t have shouted. All she’d done was try to make a new friend.

“P-please,” he whispered, straining against his own body as it took a step closer. “K-kill me.”

Another step.

Fluttershy’s sobbing pierced his ears.

“I d-don’t… want to…”

Closer. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the purple one watching from the vent.

“Y-you evil, adorable… No…”

“It’s okay, León,” Derrick whispered through the door. “You don’t have to fight it.”

One more step, and he was standing over her.

“I’m me. I’m me. I’m me.”

He lost his footing and fell to his knees. His arms shaking, he reached for the colorful creature.

“H-help… me…”

His hand touched the pony’s mane. Her head jerked up, eyes wide and cheeks moist.

León’s heart froze.

A second.

Two.

Three.

He stroked her neck. Her mane was so soft.

Fluttershy rubbed her eyes and offered a weak smile. “I-it’s okay. You just startled me, th-that’s all.” She tilted her head as he began to scratch behind her ear. Something almost like a purr rose from her throat.

Oh God, that smile!

She reared up to press her hooves to his chest. Her adorable eyes filled León’s vision.

“W-will you… be my friend?”

A smile reached León’s lips. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers, a wave of unparalleled contentment rising within him.

“I would love to.”