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Fallen From Grace
“So you think your friends are going to be out there when we get through this?”
Daring Do's made the observation as she carefully moved her hooves around the multicolored floor tiles of the large room. Twilight Sparkle was doing the same; ancient Mare-potamian religion had strict color-coding, and she didn't want either of them to step on the color for...well...
“They'll be there... They always have before, haven't they?”
Twilight moved one hoof, Daring moved another, back and forth as they inched their way towards the exit.
“Yeah, though I don't know why you stay ponies like that. There's too much chance for betrayal, for them to leak secrets and get you into trouble.”
Twilight stopped for a moment and stared at Daring.
“Are you saying that's how you got here? Somepony blabbed?”
Daring affected a smug smile.
“No comment.”
They continued on for a little while in their intricate dance until they reached the end of the room. Twilight sighed in relief as her hooves rested on sandstone paving instead of ceramic tile, and she turned to look back at the ordeal they had just conquered.
“You know, I could've just flown out of there and...”
Twilight smirked and shook her head at Daring's words.
“We had to work together, it's part of the legend the trap was based around. I'm pretty sure that we primed the trap in this room when we first touched the floor tiles, and...”
“If I had tried to fly, the room would have sealed itself and we'd have been goners.”
Daring shook her head ruefully.
“We actually do make a good team, don't we?”
Twilight started back down the hallway to what they knew was the exit to this tomb.
“Maybe you should have been nicer when we first met. But then, you don't care much about anything except being an adrenaline addict.”
Daring gave her a hard look.
“I do care about other things, Twilight. Like where that artifact is headed.”
Twilight looked at her saddlebags and then at Daring.
“It's going to ponies loyal to Princess Celestia.”
Daring didn't say anything and rolled her eyes as they continued to walk.
Soon they were outside, in the clearing that used to be an entrance plaza for the underground complex. Grass and moss covered many of the paving stones and ruined pillars, and a thick forest surrounded the place, moonlight shining through the holes in the canopy.
“Twilight, are you all right?”
A quartet of stallions, a pegasus and three earth ponies stood ready at the far side of the clearing and, even as Dr. Cabelleron gave her a knowing smile, Daring narrowed her eyes at the sight.
“It looks like your friends have arrived...”
Twilight let a little smirk enter her smile, even as she began to head to the others.
“Sorry, Daring. We'll be taking the artifact with us now.”
Daring looked like she was taking a moment to process that, while swallowing something else at the same time.
Outrage? Humiliation?
Then Daring raised her head, a cold grin on her face as at least a dozen black-clad ponies burst into the clearing. Twilight could feel her blood run cold at the sight of the Night Guard and what that meant.
“You...?”
Daring nodded at Twilight's question, as the elite soldiers approached.
“I've come to see the value in the magic of friendship myself. Or at least, convenient alliances.”
Twilight took a moment to look up at the brilliant white moon that now held a different mare on its face and a rainbow around it like a shawl. Then she looked back down at the mare who had been her hero at one time.
“Why...?”
“I don't care about politics, but I do care about where artifacts like the one you have wind up.”
Daring took a moment to point in the direction of Cabelleron and his party.
“I have no intention of letting ponies like them get their hands on anything like that artifact. Now hand it over or things get ugly.”
Twilight wanted to resist, but she heard a sigh behind her.
“Give it to her Twilight. We can spar with her another day.”
Twilight hesitated, looked at the soldiers with their armor and fierce demeanor, and relented.
But even as she used her magic to levitate the artifact to her now-enemy, Twilight repeated a promise she'd made to herself before.
I'll beat you, Daring Do. Me and my friends, we'll beat you.
Daring Do's made the observation as she carefully moved her hooves around the multicolored floor tiles of the large room. Twilight Sparkle was doing the same; ancient Mare-potamian religion had strict color-coding, and she didn't want either of them to step on the color for...well...
“They'll be there... They always have before, haven't they?”
Twilight moved one hoof, Daring moved another, back and forth as they inched their way towards the exit.
“Yeah, though I don't know why you stay ponies like that. There's too much chance for betrayal, for them to leak secrets and get you into trouble.”
Twilight stopped for a moment and stared at Daring.
“Are you saying that's how you got here? Somepony blabbed?”
Daring affected a smug smile.
“No comment.”
They continued on for a little while in their intricate dance until they reached the end of the room. Twilight sighed in relief as her hooves rested on sandstone paving instead of ceramic tile, and she turned to look back at the ordeal they had just conquered.
“You know, I could've just flown out of there and...”
Twilight smirked and shook her head at Daring's words.
“We had to work together, it's part of the legend the trap was based around. I'm pretty sure that we primed the trap in this room when we first touched the floor tiles, and...”
“If I had tried to fly, the room would have sealed itself and we'd have been goners.”
Daring shook her head ruefully.
“We actually do make a good team, don't we?”
Twilight started back down the hallway to what they knew was the exit to this tomb.
“Maybe you should have been nicer when we first met. But then, you don't care much about anything except being an adrenaline addict.”
Daring gave her a hard look.
“I do care about other things, Twilight. Like where that artifact is headed.”
Twilight looked at her saddlebags and then at Daring.
“It's going to ponies loyal to Princess Celestia.”
Daring didn't say anything and rolled her eyes as they continued to walk.
Soon they were outside, in the clearing that used to be an entrance plaza for the underground complex. Grass and moss covered many of the paving stones and ruined pillars, and a thick forest surrounded the place, moonlight shining through the holes in the canopy.
“Twilight, are you all right?”
A quartet of stallions, a pegasus and three earth ponies stood ready at the far side of the clearing and, even as Dr. Cabelleron gave her a knowing smile, Daring narrowed her eyes at the sight.
“It looks like your friends have arrived...”
Twilight let a little smirk enter her smile, even as she began to head to the others.
“Sorry, Daring. We'll be taking the artifact with us now.”
Daring looked like she was taking a moment to process that, while swallowing something else at the same time.
Outrage? Humiliation?
Then Daring raised her head, a cold grin on her face as at least a dozen black-clad ponies burst into the clearing. Twilight could feel her blood run cold at the sight of the Night Guard and what that meant.
“You...?”
Daring nodded at Twilight's question, as the elite soldiers approached.
“I've come to see the value in the magic of friendship myself. Or at least, convenient alliances.”
Twilight took a moment to look up at the brilliant white moon that now held a different mare on its face and a rainbow around it like a shawl. Then she looked back down at the mare who had been her hero at one time.
“Why...?”
“I don't care about politics, but I do care about where artifacts like the one you have wind up.”
Daring took a moment to point in the direction of Cabelleron and his party.
“I have no intention of letting ponies like them get their hands on anything like that artifact. Now hand it over or things get ugly.”
Twilight wanted to resist, but she heard a sigh behind her.
“Give it to her Twilight. We can spar with her another day.”
Twilight hesitated, looked at the soldiers with their armor and fierce demeanor, and relented.
But even as she used her magic to levitate the artifact to her now-enemy, Twilight repeated a promise she'd made to herself before.
I'll beat you, Daring Do. Me and my friends, we'll beat you.
There's an interesting story in here, but I'm afraid that I can't quite get at it. As far as I can understand, Celestia and Luna are at war again, and Twilight has sided with Celestia. She's tricked Daring Do into finding some artifact so she can give it to Celestia, but it turns out that Daring was allied with Luna the whole time. Yeah?
One of my biggest problems is the way the dialogue is formatted. I'm never a fan of stories that separate dialogue and action into separate paragraphs. It just makes the story harder to read for me, because I keep having to mentally connect the dialogue with whoever was the last pony to do an action.
That being said, Twilight and Daring's dialogue is fun, very breezy. I just wish this was a bit less obtuse.
One of my biggest problems is the way the dialogue is formatted. I'm never a fan of stories that separate dialogue and action into separate paragraphs. It just makes the story harder to read for me, because I keep having to mentally connect the dialogue with whoever was the last pony to do an action.
That being said, Twilight and Daring's dialogue is fun, very breezy. I just wish this was a bit less obtuse.
Fallen From Grace
Twilight and Daring Do make their way to the exit of a temple, unnamed artifact in tow. Twilight reveals she's in league with Cabelleron (Plot Twist!) only for the Night Guard to show up to help Daring Do (Double Plot Twist!) Twilight surrenders the artifact, promising revenge at a later date.
I must first note that the dialogue is difficult to pin to each character until conducting a very careful re-read. I came in expecting that they were supposed to be read by alternating characters, but many of the lines could go either way. Then, there's times when every other line clearly isn't supposed to be spoken by the same character.
Besides that, there's the occasional misused word.
(Perhaps you were going for "friends"? Or maybe "keep"?)
Secondly, there's nothing wrong with using alternate versions of characters, but make sure your readers know what's going on. For instance, why are Celestia and Luna at odds again? Why has Twilight, one of A. K. Yearling's most avid readers, sided with Cabelleron? Why are the Night Guard not only siding with Daring Do, but waiting to spring the trap?
As for that last question, I did find this to go off of:
But that only raises more questions. Cabelleron, Twilight's "friend" wouldn't tell that kind of information to Daring Do, and I have my reservations about pinning the blame on one of his henchponies. Speaking of friends, where are Twilight's actual friends?
Just wanted to highlight this as a particularly humorous line.
In conclusion, I feel there's a story to be had here, it just needs to be fleshed out a bit more clearly and given a more specific direction.
Twilight and Daring Do make their way to the exit of a temple, unnamed artifact in tow. Twilight reveals she's in league with Cabelleron (Plot Twist!) only for the Night Guard to show up to help Daring Do (Double Plot Twist!) Twilight surrenders the artifact, promising revenge at a later date.
I must first note that the dialogue is difficult to pin to each character until conducting a very careful re-read. I came in expecting that they were supposed to be read by alternating characters, but many of the lines could go either way. Then, there's times when every other line clearly isn't supposed to be spoken by the same character.
“Twilight, are you all right?”
A quartet of stallions, a pegasus and three earth ponies stood ready at the far side of the clearing and, even as Dr. Cabelleron gave her a knowing smile, Daring narrowed her eyes at the sight.
“It looks like your friends have arrived...”
Twilight let a little smirk enter her smile, even as she began to head to the others.
“Sorry, Daring. We'll be taking the artifact with us now.”
Besides that, there's the occasional misused word.
“Yeah, though I don't know why you stay ponies like that.
(Perhaps you were going for "friends"? Or maybe "keep"?)
Secondly, there's nothing wrong with using alternate versions of characters, but make sure your readers know what's going on. For instance, why are Celestia and Luna at odds again? Why has Twilight, one of A. K. Yearling's most avid readers, sided with Cabelleron? Why are the Night Guard not only siding with Daring Do, but waiting to spring the trap?
As for that last question, I did find this to go off of:
“Are you saying that's how you got here? Somepony blabbed?”
Daring affected a smug smile.
“No comment.”
But that only raises more questions. Cabelleron, Twilight's "friend" wouldn't tell that kind of information to Daring Do, and I have my reservations about pinning the blame on one of his henchponies. Speaking of friends, where are Twilight's actual friends?
“I've come to see the value in the magic of friendship myself. Or at least, convenient alliances.”
Just wanted to highlight this as a particularly humorous line.
In conclusion, I feel there's a story to be had here, it just needs to be fleshed out a bit more clearly and given a more specific direction.
We start off with a nice banter between Daring and Twilight, and since they call her Daring for a moment I thought we were inside one of Yearling's novels. and I start to wonder just what is really going on. What has brought these two together?
And then we find out Twilight was actually working with Caballeron! Ah, now we have the added layer of betrayal to stir in. But wait, there's more! Now the Night Guard comes! And they're with Daring! So it was a double betra--But wait! Celestia is now trapped in the moon! Just what--But wait! If Daring sided with the night guard, that means Twilight isn't working with Luna, just what--But wait! Why is Twilight dealing with criminals if she wants to free Celestia? What even is this ar--B̭͙̝̱̫̪u̡̟t ͏̪̙̰̜w͙̣͖̼̥̝ͅai̦͡t̘̣̜̺̪!̜̰̮̥̻̗̺
Ah. I wonder if this is how the pitch for the movie Basic went down...
You see where I'm going. I'm going to go on a limb here and assume you just wanted to make a fun vignette reminiscent of old adventure serials, with the twists and turns but in adding so many, the story loses the impact it may have otherwise had if you'd kept it to just one twist.
And that's a real shame, because the character moments were really engaging and the dialogue was fun. They made me care about what was going on between them, but when the reveals started to pile my interest started to wane.
And then we find out Twilight was actually working with Caballeron! Ah, now we have the added layer of betrayal to stir in. But wait, there's more! Now the Night Guard comes! And they're with Daring! So it was a double betra--But wait! Celestia is now trapped in the moon! Just what--But wait! If Daring sided with the night guard, that means Twilight isn't working with Luna, just what--But wait! Why is Twilight dealing with criminals if she wants to free Celestia? What even is this ar--B̭͙̝̱̫̪u̡̟t ͏̪̙̰̜w͙̣͖̼̥̝ͅai̦͡t̘̣̜̺̪!̜̰̮̥̻̗̺
Ah. I wonder if this is how the pitch for the movie Basic went down...
You see where I'm going. I'm going to go on a limb here and assume you just wanted to make a fun vignette reminiscent of old adventure serials, with the twists and turns but in adding so many, the story loses the impact it may have otherwise had if you'd kept it to just one twist.
And that's a real shame, because the character moments were really engaging and the dialogue was fun. They made me care about what was going on between them, but when the reveals started to pile my interest started to wane.
This... wow. Okay. This either needs to be VERY re-worked, or a heck of a lot longer, because I am having a hard time making heads or tails of it. So much of it makes no sense. Why are Twi and Daring partners? What is the artifact? Normally I could let that slide, but what it is seems to matter here! It's obviously vital to... somepony somehow. And yet if it's that vital, why did Twilight give it up? If it's not that vital, why go to all the effort of becoming partners for a double cross on both sides in order to get it? It's just... so many questions! No answers! Halp!
My reaction: I'm like the awkward one in the room who laughs a full minute after a joke is finished. "Oh! I get it now! Ha ha ha!"
Count me as another reader who felt very distracted by the unclear dialogue tags. It was just a little too much work to figure who's saying what, while at the same time trying to understand their relationship. I started skimming when I should've been hooked by adventure and intrigue.
The big reveals and plot twists at the end were confusing at first. But after thinking over it for a little while, fully processing the story with what the other comments pointed out..... I actually really love this setting you've designed! Nightmare Moon AU where Twilight and Daring are rivals with unexpected alliances. I'm not sure which heroine picked the "correct" side, but I like that ambiguity (maybe both are balanced anti-heroes and neither is evil? I want to cheer for them both). So much promise for where this could go. I would love to read more of this!
I want to steal it for myself. Can I steal it?
(it now occurs to me how canon Daring Do doesn't really seem to fit in an Equestria that's mostly in a state of love & peace. but here? the Nightmare Moon world works in a way that the Nazis did for Indiana Jones. damn, this is so cool.)
Ok, despite how briliant the concept is, it needs to succeed in execution too. needs a lot of work. I'm not an editor, but I think the main problem here is that it's trying to be too nuanced and subtle, but stumbles at it.
This doesn't quite express the urgency of the situation. Like it's trying to be a serious drama. To be honest, I say ramp it up - go for melodrama. Indiana Jones movies were over-the-top yet tongue-in-cheek about it. and it was itself inspired by adventure serials and the Uncle Scrooge comic books. They all worked because they were so clear and direct about it all, making the action and mysteries feel larger than life. As long as the characters feel like real relatable people, it's not cheesy but endearing.
plz expand and continue this on fimfic kthx <3
Count me as another reader who felt very distracted by the unclear dialogue tags. It was just a little too much work to figure who's saying what, while at the same time trying to understand their relationship. I started skimming when I should've been hooked by adventure and intrigue.
The big reveals and plot twists at the end were confusing at first. But after thinking over it for a little while, fully processing the story with what the other comments pointed out..... I actually really love this setting you've designed! Nightmare Moon AU where Twilight and Daring are rivals with unexpected alliances. I'm not sure which heroine picked the "correct" side, but I like that ambiguity (maybe both are balanced anti-heroes and neither is evil? I want to cheer for them both). So much promise for where this could go. I would love to read more of this!
(it now occurs to me how canon Daring Do doesn't really seem to fit in an Equestria that's mostly in a state of love & peace. but here? the Nightmare Moon world works in a way that the Nazis did for Indiana Jones. damn, this is so cool.)
Ok, despite how briliant the concept is, it needs to succeed in execution too. needs a lot of work. I'm not an editor, but I think the main problem here is that it's trying to be too nuanced and subtle, but stumbles at it.
Then Daring raised her head, a cold grin on her face as at least a dozen black-clad ponies burst into the clearing. Twilight could feel her blood run cold at the sight of the Night Guard and what that meant.
This doesn't quite express the urgency of the situation. Like it's trying to be a serious drama. To be honest, I say ramp it up - go for melodrama. Indiana Jones movies were over-the-top yet tongue-in-cheek about it. and it was itself inspired by adventure serials and the Uncle Scrooge comic books. They all worked because they were so clear and direct about it all, making the action and mysteries feel larger than life. As long as the characters feel like real relatable people, it's not cheesy but endearing.
plz expand and continue this on fimfic kthx <3
Gonna echo the above re: paragraph breaks. It makes it really hard to track what's going on in a two character scene, which should never be the case.
Beyond that... I dunno. I think putting the weight of the story's interesting material at the back was a mistake. Like, this isn't really so much a twist (IMO) as a misordered story. The revelation doesn't particularly recontextualize the preceding information in a particularly -interesting- way: it just makes it less mundane. Further, what the change is is actually... really unclear all things told.
This line is really awkward, as it implies this change happened -super- recently. Like, within the last five minutes recently.
I dunno, basically, despite creating an AU, you don't really present any meat to it. I don't get why Twilight and Daring Do are opposing each other, why they are aligned to who they are aligned to, who is good, who is evil, why one group is superior to the other, etc.
Beyond that... I dunno. I think putting the weight of the story's interesting material at the back was a mistake. Like, this isn't really so much a twist (IMO) as a misordered story. The revelation doesn't particularly recontextualize the preceding information in a particularly -interesting- way: it just makes it less mundane. Further, what the change is is actually... really unclear all things told.
Twilight took a moment to look up at the brilliant white moon that now held a different mare on its face and a rainbow around it like a shawl.
This line is really awkward, as it implies this change happened -super- recently. Like, within the last five minutes recently.
I dunno, basically, despite creating an AU, you don't really present any meat to it. I don't get why Twilight and Daring Do are opposing each other, why they are aligned to who they are aligned to, who is good, who is evil, why one group is superior to the other, etc.
I was left, as the others, somewhat unsatisfied here. Your setup is confusing. Why Twilight is now allied with characters we know as being bad guys? Why has Daring Do is own "henchponies", while she openly admits "to work alone"? What are supposed to mean as a threat?
The end is a bit underwhelming. Twilight surrenders meekly? Weird for an alicorn who is supposed to wield a major magical power.
All in all that was - puzzling, but we don't get the answer we look for.
The end is a bit underwhelming. Twilight surrenders meekly? Weird for an alicorn who is supposed to wield a major magical power.
All in all that was - puzzling, but we don't get the answer we look for.
My biggest issue with this is attributing dialog to each character. Going over it, I might understand better with some proper Twilight said Doo said. As it was, I was confused who said what and as a result who meant what, which implies the dialog gave no clue to the speaker, no Twi-isms if you will. Last, Using a name loft the artifact like Nightmare Moon's Helmet would have made a real difference in grounding the story such that we really care when Twi goes astray.
Points for explaining why they didn't just fly. I was going to ask that myself.
Now if only you explained everything else. Unlabeled AUs are one thing. Unlabeled AUs where everything I know is a lie as I come in midway through the story? That I don't appreciate. It's a poor twist when I have no understanding of just about anything after the revelation.
Now if only you explained everything else. Unlabeled AUs are one thing. Unlabeled AUs where everything I know is a lie as I come in midway through the story? That I don't appreciate. It's a poor twist when I have no understanding of just about anything after the revelation.
So, technical problems have been hit on already, so no rehashing from me, but know that they were distracting.
My main impression is that the author has a really great idea in their head here, with cool AU twists, and we could always do with more Daring Do stories. Twilight as her rival is fun as well, as is the opening scene where they have to work together to survive the trap. This story has all the elements of greatness to it, but the execution is...
Well, even ignoring the technical, too much happens too fast, and so much of this AU is unclear. Because of that, we have very little idea of any of the character motivations, and it becomes difficult to connect with any of it on an emotional level.
I'm afraid this goes in my middle tier, but I'd love to see this idea expanded, like others have said.
My main impression is that the author has a really great idea in their head here, with cool AU twists, and we could always do with more Daring Do stories. Twilight as her rival is fun as well, as is the opening scene where they have to work together to survive the trap. This story has all the elements of greatness to it, but the execution is...
Well, even ignoring the technical, too much happens too fast, and so much of this AU is unclear. Because of that, we have very little idea of any of the character motivations, and it becomes difficult to connect with any of it on an emotional level.
I'm afraid this goes in my middle tier, but I'd love to see this idea expanded, like others have said.