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Don't Tickle God
Pinkie Pie just heard a big secret. Not the ordinary, run-of-the-mill, everyday type of secret, either, like Applejack’s preference of peach cobbler to apple pie or Mayor Mare’s debilitating dragon allergy. No, this was a juicy, ultra-important, weapons-grade secret!
Two guards had told Pinkie the secret. Well, actually, that wasn’t exactly accurate. They had been conducting their rounds, quietly gossiping amongst themselves, and Pinkie eavesdropped in on their conversation.
Then she heard it:
“Princess Celestia is very ticklish behind her right foreleg.”
For years Pinkie had carefully compiled the most ticklish areas of every mare and stallion in Equestria she met, but the most elusive tickle-spot of them all belonged to none other than Princess Celestia herself. After dozens of failed attempts of trying to secretly catalog Princess Celestia’s most ticklish spot through exceedingly subtle slight-of-hand and "accidental" brushing, Pinkie finally caught the big fish, the big kahuna, the tickle to end all tickles! This would be her seminal breakthrough in the world of tickleology, the sort of tickling that tickle experts would cite in their own magnum opuses and tickle historians would chronicle for decades to come.
Naturally, Pinkie just had to pay Celestia a visit upon hearing that. After all, the information needed to be empirically verified before submitted to the annals of history. Otherwise it was just a rumor.
Through an elaborate series of half-truths, posturing, and sheer insistence, Pinkie Pie managed to worm her way into getting an audience with the Princess, alone, in the throne room.
“What brings you here today, Pinkie?” Celestia asked from her throne, an implacable wall of serene authority, just waiting to be knocked down.
They stood at opposite ends of the room, the distance between Pinkie and Celestia too great for an outright tickle attack. Celestia would see it coming a mile away and swiftly parry. For Pinkie’s plan to succeed, she would have to get tactical.
“Ah, Princess! I just came here today to tell you something ultra-super-special-amazing"—she continued adding enthusiastic adjectives while gradually bridging the gap between her and Celestia, a single bead of sweat dripping down her forehead—“spectacular-awesome-stunning—"
The space between the two shrank and shrank as Pinkie Pie quoted every word for “cool” she remembered reading from Twilight’s thesaurus.
“—astounding-dazzling-fabulous-magnificent-wondrous—"
Celestia didn’t seem to notice, staring at the spectacle in puzzled bemusement.
“—stupendous-astonishing-breathtaking—” she panted, falling to the floor in a wheezing exhaustion. She lay on her back, catching her breath.
“Are you all right, Pinkie?” Celestia asked, rising from her throne to check on her.
The moment Celestia strode towards her, Pinkie sprung her trap.
“Gotcha!” Pinkie jolted from the floor with lightning precision to slip underneath Celestia’s torso, angle her hoof behind Celestia’s foreleg, and gently tickle.
“Pinkie, what are you—!” Celestia couldn’t even finish the question before being swallowed by a torrent of giggles. “P-P-haha-P-Pinkie…” She lost her balance and tumbled gracefully to the floor.
Pinkie took advantage of this to increase tickle intensity to maximum, tantalizing the undersides of both Celestia’s forelegs with her hooves with all her expert tickle gumption. No pony could resist the masterful precision of Pinkie’s perfected tickling technique.
“I-I’m serious!” Celestia managed to gasp out between labored laughing. A small beam of sunlight shot out of her nose between the giggles. “S-stop! I can't control—” A rainbow flew out of her mouth.
But Pinkie could not let up. Not after that display. Now it was Pinkie that couldn't stop laughing. Pinkie had gone beyond the point of tickle madness and submerged herself in tickle ecstasy, becoming a ceaseless tickle machine.
“Stop now!” Celestia radiated a cascade of chromatic magical aura.
"Never!" Pinkie retorted.
Celestia's irises and pupils became lost in sea of pure magic energy, turning her eyes completely white. The normally stagnant air of the palace blasted gale force winds that shook the stained glass windows in their paneling, and the castle itself seemed to shake with the force of Celestia’s might.
“Okay okay! I’ll stop!” Pinkie reluctantly stepped back after a moment to give Celestia some breathing room.
But it was too late. The magical overload from Celestia surged throughout the room, ripping the roof from the throne chamber and engulfing the pair and all of Equestria in a beam of pure white energy that spanned for miles and extended into the heavens.
And that’s how Pinkie Pie destroyed Equestria.
Two guards had told Pinkie the secret. Well, actually, that wasn’t exactly accurate. They had been conducting their rounds, quietly gossiping amongst themselves, and Pinkie eavesdropped in on their conversation.
Then she heard it:
“Princess Celestia is very ticklish behind her right foreleg.”
For years Pinkie had carefully compiled the most ticklish areas of every mare and stallion in Equestria she met, but the most elusive tickle-spot of them all belonged to none other than Princess Celestia herself. After dozens of failed attempts of trying to secretly catalog Princess Celestia’s most ticklish spot through exceedingly subtle slight-of-hand and "accidental" brushing, Pinkie finally caught the big fish, the big kahuna, the tickle to end all tickles! This would be her seminal breakthrough in the world of tickleology, the sort of tickling that tickle experts would cite in their own magnum opuses and tickle historians would chronicle for decades to come.
Naturally, Pinkie just had to pay Celestia a visit upon hearing that. After all, the information needed to be empirically verified before submitted to the annals of history. Otherwise it was just a rumor.
Through an elaborate series of half-truths, posturing, and sheer insistence, Pinkie Pie managed to worm her way into getting an audience with the Princess, alone, in the throne room.
“What brings you here today, Pinkie?” Celestia asked from her throne, an implacable wall of serene authority, just waiting to be knocked down.
They stood at opposite ends of the room, the distance between Pinkie and Celestia too great for an outright tickle attack. Celestia would see it coming a mile away and swiftly parry. For Pinkie’s plan to succeed, she would have to get tactical.
“Ah, Princess! I just came here today to tell you something ultra-super-special-amazing"—she continued adding enthusiastic adjectives while gradually bridging the gap between her and Celestia, a single bead of sweat dripping down her forehead—“spectacular-awesome-stunning—"
The space between the two shrank and shrank as Pinkie Pie quoted every word for “cool” she remembered reading from Twilight’s thesaurus.
“—astounding-dazzling-fabulous-magnificent-wondrous—"
Celestia didn’t seem to notice, staring at the spectacle in puzzled bemusement.
“—stupendous-astonishing-breathtaking—” she panted, falling to the floor in a wheezing exhaustion. She lay on her back, catching her breath.
“Are you all right, Pinkie?” Celestia asked, rising from her throne to check on her.
The moment Celestia strode towards her, Pinkie sprung her trap.
“Gotcha!” Pinkie jolted from the floor with lightning precision to slip underneath Celestia’s torso, angle her hoof behind Celestia’s foreleg, and gently tickle.
“Pinkie, what are you—!” Celestia couldn’t even finish the question before being swallowed by a torrent of giggles. “P-P-haha-P-Pinkie…” She lost her balance and tumbled gracefully to the floor.
Pinkie took advantage of this to increase tickle intensity to maximum, tantalizing the undersides of both Celestia’s forelegs with her hooves with all her expert tickle gumption. No pony could resist the masterful precision of Pinkie’s perfected tickling technique.
“I-I’m serious!” Celestia managed to gasp out between labored laughing. A small beam of sunlight shot out of her nose between the giggles. “S-stop! I can't control—” A rainbow flew out of her mouth.
But Pinkie could not let up. Not after that display. Now it was Pinkie that couldn't stop laughing. Pinkie had gone beyond the point of tickle madness and submerged herself in tickle ecstasy, becoming a ceaseless tickle machine.
“Stop now!” Celestia radiated a cascade of chromatic magical aura.
"Never!" Pinkie retorted.
Celestia's irises and pupils became lost in sea of pure magic energy, turning her eyes completely white. The normally stagnant air of the palace blasted gale force winds that shook the stained glass windows in their paneling, and the castle itself seemed to shake with the force of Celestia’s might.
“Okay okay! I’ll stop!” Pinkie reluctantly stepped back after a moment to give Celestia some breathing room.
But it was too late. The magical overload from Celestia surged throughout the room, ripping the roof from the throne chamber and engulfing the pair and all of Equestria in a beam of pure white energy that spanned for miles and extended into the heavens.
And that’s how Pinkie Pie destroyed Equestria.
“And that’s how Equestria was unmade!”
To entirely fit the prompt, this should have a narrative summation or an Ironic Twist of some kind, but it’s amusing as it stands. Upper middle tier on my slate.
To entirely fit the prompt, this should have a narrative summation or an Ironic Twist of some kind, but it’s amusing as it stands. Upper middle tier on my slate.
If I had to rate this story, it would definitely go in the top tier list in term of comedy. The pace, the dialog, all were very neat and hilarious. The pace especially went faster and faster to lead to the final conclusion. I was already laughing at the revelation of Celestion ticklish spot and it just got better and better.
However, and because you always have to have a 'however', that last line destroyed everything for me. I expected huge consequences but not 'end of everything' huge, like everyone in Equestria feeling the ticklish for two hours, causing a massive on hour long laughter, or anything else, but not this.
So I don't know what to do with this story because if I don't count the last line, it is f***ing comedy gold but that last line is there and I can't forget it, I just can't.
However, and because you always have to have a 'however', that last line destroyed everything for me. I expected huge consequences but not 'end of everything' huge, like everyone in Equestria feeling the ticklish for two hours, causing a massive on hour long laughter, or anything else, but not this.
So I don't know what to do with this story because if I don't count the last line, it is f***ing comedy gold but that last line is there and I can't forget it, I just can't.
This was absurd. I mean, I don't know what feedback there is to offer beyond that, the prose was fine, it was just absurd. 'And that's how Equestria was unmade' is definitely the should-be final line
Y'know, all things considered, an all-consuming magic field brought forth by a joy overload isn't such a bad way to go.
I always find myself short on ways to criticise comedies. Unless they're not funny, but that wasn't a problem with this story, but I'll try. Something that stands out to me is the same SPark mentioned, how does a random guard know Celestia's weak spot? Those kind of state secrets should be better protected.
But if that guards knows that from first-hand experience--in what I presume was a completely platonic and TV-Y appropriate way--then how comes Equestria wasn't destroyed then? Is it just the Power of the Pie at play? How much am I overthinking this?
Oh, and the ending. I didn't like the closing line all that much, it feels as though it hit the brakes on the momentum of the story. That doesn't mean you should have focused on reality's destruction by unleashed magic, but I feel a better ending would elevate this story.
I always find myself short on ways to criticise comedies. Unless they're not funny, but that wasn't a problem with this story, but I'll try. Something that stands out to me is the same SPark mentioned, how does a random guard know Celestia's weak spot? Those kind of state secrets should be better protected.
But if that guards knows that from first-hand experience--in what I presume was a completely platonic and TV-Y appropriate way--then how comes Equestria wasn't destroyed then? Is it just the Power of the Pie at play? How much am I overthinking this?
Oh, and the ending. I didn't like the closing line all that much, it feels as though it hit the brakes on the momentum of the story. That doesn't mean you should have focused on reality's destruction by unleashed magic, but I feel a better ending would elevate this story.
I agree with the others that the last line is jarring; it reads okay if it's not taken literally, though, as the nature of the energy wave isn't otherwise specified.
How did a rainbow fly out of Celestia's mouth? That's… hmm. o.O
The overall premise is worthy, though, and I loved the intro. The Pinkie Pie characterization is spot-on!
How did a rainbow fly out of Celestia's mouth? That's… hmm. o.O
The overall premise is worthy, though, and I loved the intro. The Pinkie Pie characterization is spot-on!
I really like the story; it made me chuckle. Oddly, it suffered from some writing issues and it still worked.
The first is a tense error in the first sentence where it should read "Pinkie Pie had just heard..." (Other lines also left me uncomfortably working to parse their meanings.) The second thing that stopped me was the identity of the narrator. The second and third sentences with compounds convinced me to think Pinkie Pie was narrating, but then the narrator also uses words like seminal, rehabilitating, and magnum opuses and seems to be thinking over the situation in an analytic style than Pinkie would use; it felt like Twilight was narrating. Twilight narrating fits more with the last line as manifestly Pinkie Pie at the very least could not be narrating.
Despite those things that threw me out of the story, I found it entertaining.
Last however, I am struggling to see how it fits the prompt.
The first is a tense error in the first sentence where it should read "Pinkie Pie had just heard..." (Other lines also left me uncomfortably working to parse their meanings.) The second thing that stopped me was the identity of the narrator. The second and third sentences with compounds convinced me to think Pinkie Pie was narrating, but then the narrator also uses words like seminal, rehabilitating, and magnum opuses and seems to be thinking over the situation in an analytic style than Pinkie would use; it felt like Twilight was narrating. Twilight narrating fits more with the last line as manifestly Pinkie Pie at the very least could not be narrating.
Despite those things that threw me out of the story, I found it entertaining.
Last however, I am struggling to see how it fits the prompt.
>>scifipony
WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO
So we had a pretty big discussion over this in the write-off chat. While it certainly may sound a bit odd to some people, the current formatting of that opening sentence is correctly written in the simple past. In the greater context of the story itself, the line becomes somewhat problematic because the second paragraph transitions into perfect past tense, which is a bit disorienting for the reader because the narration introduces a concept, then jumps backwards in time into the perfect past briefly to explain the origins of the concept in the second paragraph, and then by the third paragraph we are back in simple past. To say nothing of the organizational merits of writing a story this way, it is not objectively incorrect in terms of using the verb tenses to do this.
The first is a tense error in the first sentence where it should read "Pinkie Pie had just heard..." (Other lines also left me uncomfortably working to parse their meanings.)
WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO
So we had a pretty big discussion over this in the write-off chat. While it certainly may sound a bit odd to some people, the current formatting of that opening sentence is correctly written in the simple past. In the greater context of the story itself, the line becomes somewhat problematic because the second paragraph transitions into perfect past tense, which is a bit disorienting for the reader because the narration introduces a concept, then jumps backwards in time into the perfect past briefly to explain the origins of the concept in the second paragraph, and then by the third paragraph we are back in simple past. To say nothing of the organizational merits of writing a story this way, it is not objectively incorrect in terms of using the verb tenses to do this.
Well, everyone above together pretty much covers my review.
1. Ending kinda leaves me sour. I dunno, gallows/dark humor is fine, but yeah, this ultimately does end up feeling disheartening, as it were.
2. Narrator is a strange, ambiguous not-Pinkie but very Pinkie and that doesn't gel super well.
3. Transition from Para 1 to Para 2 is really awkward because of how you use time. Just lead with P2 and build 1 back into it.
1. Ending kinda leaves me sour. I dunno, gallows/dark humor is fine, but yeah, this ultimately does end up feeling disheartening, as it were.
2. Narrator is a strange, ambiguous not-Pinkie but very Pinkie and that doesn't gel super well.
3. Transition from Para 1 to Para 2 is really awkward because of how you use time. Just lead with P2 and build 1 back into it.
It's 'sleight', not 'slight'. Maybe spellcheck screwed that one up, though. And although hand is probably actually what they'd use in the show, I think 'hoof' would weird me out less.
This was just... lolrandom for most of it, which is... eh, I dunno. Not really my thing. I'm not sure if I'd call it one-note-joke or not, though... At least it's moderately well written, so that's good.
I'll throw my $.02 in on the first sentence; I'd have liked a 'had' there because it would have made it clear that 'just' was qualifying an amount of time, not an amount of secret-ness.
This was just... lolrandom for most of it, which is... eh, I dunno. Not really my thing. I'm not sure if I'd call it one-note-joke or not, though... At least it's moderately well written, so that's good.
I'll throw my $.02 in on the first sentence; I'd have liked a 'had' there because it would have made it clear that 'just' was qualifying an amount of time, not an amount of secret-ness.
For the most part I agree with >>Fenton, and also give thumbs up to "And that's how Equestria was unmade" as an alternate final line if you don't want to change anything else.
But after a glorious line like "Pinkie had gone beyond the point of tickle madness and submerged herself in tickle ecstasy, becoming a ceaseless tickle machine" I really expected the world to be engulfed in tickles, and was a bit disappointed when it just ended. Not disheartened, or even unable to overlook it, but yeah, I wanted the story to keep building towards a real crescendo. Maybe that's the hardest part of a comedy: the punchline's gotta be fantastic.
But after a glorious line like "Pinkie had gone beyond the point of tickle madness and submerged herself in tickle ecstasy, becoming a ceaseless tickle machine" I really expected the world to be engulfed in tickles, and was a bit disappointed when it just ended. Not disheartened, or even unable to overlook it, but yeah, I wanted the story to keep building towards a real crescendo. Maybe that's the hardest part of a comedy: the punchline's gotta be fantastic.
Firstly, hats off for having written Pinkie so well, since that's difficult to do without having her come across as annoying. The idea is pretty original, and the prose is good in the midst of all its Pinkish stylization.
The weak point, I think, is the ending. Often, the line between comedy and tragedy is a fine one (yet another reason why comedy is so hard to do well). Roald Dahl said (I paraphrase) that if a can of paint falls from a ladder and douses a man, that's funny; but if it breaks his head and kills him, that's tragic. Of course, you can also make tragedy seem funny my making it just absurd enough, or by referencing something else. GroaningGreyAgony suggests the final line, “And that’s how Equestria was unmade!” I agree.
Alternately, you could have the result be explosive and embarrassing, but no so utterly destructive. I would call that more intrinsically funny, and more in the spirit of the show.
The weak point, I think, is the ending. Often, the line between comedy and tragedy is a fine one (yet another reason why comedy is so hard to do well). Roald Dahl said (I paraphrase) that if a can of paint falls from a ladder and douses a man, that's funny; but if it breaks his head and kills him, that's tragic. Of course, you can also make tragedy seem funny my making it just absurd enough, or by referencing something else. GroaningGreyAgony suggests the final line, “And that’s how Equestria was unmade!” I agree.
Alternately, you could have the result be explosive and embarrassing, but no so utterly destructive. I would call that more intrinsically funny, and more in the spirit of the show.
The story works. I'm not sure why Celestia didn't just crack her one or why the guards knew about said spot though other than plot convenience. Then again given the ending a sock to the snoot could actually work to achieve a similar result.
I have to say, this story tickled me. There's some good advice in the other reviews on how to make it even better, but it still got me to smile as is. Not sure what that says about me...
Comedy? Horror? Softcore pornography? You be the judge, except you can't, because neither God nor mare can judge Pinkie Pie.
This was an amusing comedy read, although I was able to call the twist from the title. As others mentioned, the last line doesn't quite work with the cadence you've established up until then. The punchline is the most important part of a comedy like this, so that's quite unfortunate. I came away from it thinking it was fairly unmemorable, except for one thing...
... which is just how difficult it is to write a comedy, especially a Pinkie style comedy, in the first place. It's really extremely supremely freakin' hard! Just look through writeoffs of the past! Hardly anyone dares to try, and those who do try tend to fail in spectacular fashion. Thank you, author. Yeah, you tripped at the finish line and missed out on the big points, but you tackled what I would consider the hardest pony to write and made it to the end without trainwrecking. Mediocre marks for execution, but a high difficulty multiplier, as it were. Take some pride in that. (Yeah, I just realized I'm echoing HorseVoice a few posts up.)
This was an amusing comedy read, although I was able to call the twist from the title. As others mentioned, the last line doesn't quite work with the cadence you've established up until then. The punchline is the most important part of a comedy like this, so that's quite unfortunate. I came away from it thinking it was fairly unmemorable, except for one thing...
... which is just how difficult it is to write a comedy, especially a Pinkie style comedy, in the first place. It's really extremely supremely freakin' hard! Just look through writeoffs of the past! Hardly anyone dares to try, and those who do try tend to fail in spectacular fashion. Thank you, author. Yeah, you tripped at the finish line and missed out on the big points, but you tackled what I would consider the hardest pony to write and made it to the end without trainwrecking. Mediocre marks for execution, but a high difficulty multiplier, as it were. Take some pride in that. (Yeah, I just realized I'm echoing HorseVoice a few posts up.)
First, "slight-of-hand" stood out to me. Author, I assume you've already re-read this several times since the submission deadline, and have been kicking yourself enough for that already.
Now, as to the rest... Brilliant, absolutely spot-on Pinkie Pie here! I love that you let her use the big important words as well as the silly ones, and I always find that makes her a much deeper character than she's usually portrayed as.
I did chuckle a tad at the premise, but as it was given away by the title, there was less of an impact. The rest of the comedy, while not bad, does it exactly what it says on the tin. Pinkie discovers a ticklish spot and goes for it, and the title's already told us it will end badly.
The actual ending here is therefore the crux. "And that's how Pinkie Pie Destroyed Equestria" is a great line. I like it, because it seems like it's a non-sequitur. But it's not very funny. It's the expected outcome, you tickled God, bad things happen. I think I would've much prefer a few moments of epic build-up, show us the surge coming, have Pinkie start pleading "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I stopped!" as Celestia lifts off the ground, eyes glowing, the world getting darker... Then have her make a weird scrunched face as the world normalizes. "I just peed a little." Or just straight up have her fart a rainbow (since they were apparently already coming from her nose, and she IS technically part unicorn.)
Point is, the expectation (at least for me) was something bad. The final humor needs to be in subverting that, IMHO.
Now, as to the rest... Brilliant, absolutely spot-on Pinkie Pie here! I love that you let her use the big important words as well as the silly ones, and I always find that makes her a much deeper character than she's usually portrayed as.
I did chuckle a tad at the premise, but as it was given away by the title, there was less of an impact. The rest of the comedy, while not bad, does it exactly what it says on the tin. Pinkie discovers a ticklish spot and goes for it, and the title's already told us it will end badly.
The actual ending here is therefore the crux. "And that's how Pinkie Pie Destroyed Equestria" is a great line. I like it, because it seems like it's a non-sequitur. But it's not very funny. It's the expected outcome, you tickled God, bad things happen. I think I would've much prefer a few moments of epic build-up, show us the surge coming, have Pinkie start pleading "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I stopped!" as Celestia lifts off the ground, eyes glowing, the world getting darker... Then have her make a weird scrunched face as the world normalizes. "I just peed a little." Or just straight up have her fart a rainbow (since they were apparently already coming from her nose, and she IS technically part unicorn.)
Point is, the expectation (at least for me) was something bad. The final humor needs to be in subverting that, IMHO.