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“Huh. That’s weird. They’re still out there.”
“Who’s out there Spike?”
“These weird ponies came up to the door like an hour ago, asking for you. I told them that you weren’t here right now, but you might be back later.”
“Spike! You’re not supposed to turn ponies away! What if they needed me for something important?” Twilight sighed. “A lot of ponies are depending on me these days.You can’t just get rid of ponies because they came at a bad time.”
“I didn’t tell them to go away because I didn’t want to deal with them, I told them to go away because they were weird.”
“Weird how?”
Spike peered through the peephole. “Weird in that they’ve been standing outside door the entire time. In the sun.”
Twilight nudged him to the side and took a look through the peephole for herself. Three chocolate brown ponies stood on her castle’s stoop in the afternoon sun. A pegasus, earth pony, and a unicorn, all without a cutie mark.
“Okay.. something’s off about this… have they been doing anything?”
“Nothing notable, they’re just weird.”
“Alright, well maybe it’s something easy to fix. I’ll go talk with them and get this straightened out.” Twilight paused. “If I’m not done in twenty minutes, get Starlight down here. This might be a real stinker.”
Twilight opened the door and stepped outside, making sure to close it behind her.
“Hi, welcome to the Friendship Castle,” she opened. “I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle. Sorry about the wait. I’m ready and willing to help you with any sort of friendship problem you have. What was your reason for coming by?”
The trio cast looks to each other, eyes glowing with an odd light. There was a period of silence, until one of them spoke.
"The Sparkle must excuse us. It is rude of us to commune by flux shifting in front of those whose vortal inputs are impaired."
"Yes," chimed another, in an oddly stilted accent. "We will vocalize in your auditory language as a matter of courtesy."
"Unless we wish to say unflattering things about you," the third prompted.
"Just so," they announced in unison. "The Sparkle honors us by her presence. We remember the Sparkle. We are coterminous."
The pegasus and earth pony turned to look at the unicorn, who stepped forward.
“We have met the Sparkle many times before, but this Sparkle has met us for the first.”
The unicorn stepped back to allow the earth pony to come forward.
“We are there still, when you pierced into the vortessence. For a brief time you joined us. You are the one, between the worlds.
Now the pegasus moved to speak.
“You have brought us grief and jubilation beyond measure. Your song we shall sing for eternity, as we have done and will do. We cannot forget those whose cords you cut. Forgiveness is not ours to bestow.”
They spoke in unison.
“We never dreamed to meet you in corporeal form. The Sparkle can make use of these. These bodies are yours to command. The Sparkle knows best.”
“Spike!” Twilight called over her shoulder. “Get Starlight! She’s gonna wanna see this!”
“Who’s out there Spike?”
“These weird ponies came up to the door like an hour ago, asking for you. I told them that you weren’t here right now, but you might be back later.”
“Spike! You’re not supposed to turn ponies away! What if they needed me for something important?” Twilight sighed. “A lot of ponies are depending on me these days.You can’t just get rid of ponies because they came at a bad time.”
“I didn’t tell them to go away because I didn’t want to deal with them, I told them to go away because they were weird.”
“Weird how?”
Spike peered through the peephole. “Weird in that they’ve been standing outside door the entire time. In the sun.”
Twilight nudged him to the side and took a look through the peephole for herself. Three chocolate brown ponies stood on her castle’s stoop in the afternoon sun. A pegasus, earth pony, and a unicorn, all without a cutie mark.
“Okay.. something’s off about this… have they been doing anything?”
“Nothing notable, they’re just weird.”
“Alright, well maybe it’s something easy to fix. I’ll go talk with them and get this straightened out.” Twilight paused. “If I’m not done in twenty minutes, get Starlight down here. This might be a real stinker.”
Twilight opened the door and stepped outside, making sure to close it behind her.
“Hi, welcome to the Friendship Castle,” she opened. “I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle. Sorry about the wait. I’m ready and willing to help you with any sort of friendship problem you have. What was your reason for coming by?”
The trio cast looks to each other, eyes glowing with an odd light. There was a period of silence, until one of them spoke.
"The Sparkle must excuse us. It is rude of us to commune by flux shifting in front of those whose vortal inputs are impaired."
"Yes," chimed another, in an oddly stilted accent. "We will vocalize in your auditory language as a matter of courtesy."
"Unless we wish to say unflattering things about you," the third prompted.
"Just so," they announced in unison. "The Sparkle honors us by her presence. We remember the Sparkle. We are coterminous."
The pegasus and earth pony turned to look at the unicorn, who stepped forward.
“We have met the Sparkle many times before, but this Sparkle has met us for the first.”
The unicorn stepped back to allow the earth pony to come forward.
“We are there still, when you pierced into the vortessence. For a brief time you joined us. You are the one, between the worlds.
Now the pegasus moved to speak.
“You have brought us grief and jubilation beyond measure. Your song we shall sing for eternity, as we have done and will do. We cannot forget those whose cords you cut. Forgiveness is not ours to bestow.”
They spoke in unison.
“We never dreamed to meet you in corporeal form. The Sparkle can make use of these. These bodies are yours to command. The Sparkle knows best.”
“Spike!” Twilight called over her shoulder. “Get Starlight! She’s gonna wanna see this!”
Genre: Half-Life crossover/recerence? Maybe? Been too long since I played that...
Thoughts: One of the hardest things in a minific round is to tell a complete story. Setting the scene, building a mood, and introducing characters, all chews up word count that can't be spent advancing the overall plot arc.
With that background, this story doesn't, in my view, qualify as "complete." What I mean is that it sets up a situation but it ends without delivering a resolution. We don't really know who the new ponies are or what's going on or where the plot would go from here.
However, the author is effective at jumping into the story and setting up a funny and strange situation that I'd like to see more of. There's bound to be an interesting story that would come out of the preview we see here.
Tier:Needs Work Misaimed
Thoughts: One of the hardest things in a minific round is to tell a complete story. Setting the scene, building a mood, and introducing characters, all chews up word count that can't be spent advancing the overall plot arc.
With that background, this story doesn't, in my view, qualify as "complete." What I mean is that it sets up a situation but it ends without delivering a resolution. We don't really know who the new ponies are or what's going on or where the plot would go from here.
However, the author is effective at jumping into the story and setting up a funny and strange situation that I'd like to see more of. There's bound to be an interesting story that would come out of the preview we see here.
Tier:
I have no idea what this might be referencing. If it's referencing anything. It's weird, but an interesting sort of weird.
I love the premise, the idea that, over the course of her travels, Twilight impacted civilizations or timelines with her shenanigans.
But... the word limit was your enemy here. This is a good beginning to something much larger. I hope you turn this into a full length fic after the current event is over.
But... the word limit was your enemy here. This is a good beginning to something much larger. I hope you turn this into a full length fic after the current event is over.
I got the Half-Life reference but without it, I think I wouldn't have known what to do with this. For those who didn't get it, try this.
So it's a good story, pretty funny but, as others said, it feels incomplete. The setup is good but there is not really an end. Also, I'll need to check it (later because I haven't the time right now) but it seems that 'The Freeman' in the Vortigaunts speech has been just replaced by 'The Sparkle' and the rest is just copy paste. If it isn't, it's a good job because it felt really real. If it is, well, this is just lazy.
So it's a good story, pretty funny but, as others said, it feels incomplete. The setup is good but there is not really an end. Also, I'll need to check it (later because I haven't the time right now) but it seems that 'The Freeman' in the Vortigaunts speech has been just replaced by 'The Sparkle' and the rest is just copy paste. If it isn't, it's a good job because it felt really real. If it is, well, this is just lazy.
Well, I didn't have to search too long thanks to the magic of Internet.
Directly taken from the game.
A ctrl+f didn't get any match so this one seems original.
Once again directly taken from the game.
A mix of different lines from the game.
And again, directly taken from the game.
Here the source I used SOURCE I'll let the others judge by themselves.
Sorry author but this just feels lazy. If it had been only one or two quotes, I would have seen it as a reference and accept it but with so many, it is just plagiarism. That's unfortunate because the idea behind the story was a good idea.
"The Sparkle must excuse us. It is rude of us to commune by flux shifting in front of those whose vortal inputs are impaired."
"Yes," chimed another, in an oddly stilted accent. "We will vocalize in your auditory language as a matter of courtesy."
"Unless we wish to say unflattering things about you," the third prompted.
"Just so," they announced in unison. "The Sparkle honors us by her presence. We remember the Sparkle. We are coterminous."
Directly taken from the game.
“We have met the Sparkle many times before, but this Sparkle has met us for the first.”
A ctrl+f didn't get any match so this one seems original.
For a brief time you joined us. You are the one, between the worlds.
Once again directly taken from the game.
“You have brought us grief and jubilation beyond measure. Your song we shall sing for eternity, as we have done and will do. We cannot forget those whose cords you cut. Forgiveness is not ours to bestow.”
A mix of different lines from the game.
“We never dreamed to meet you in corporeal form. The Sparkle can make use of these. These bodies are yours to command. The Sparkle knows best.”
And again, directly taken from the game.
Here the source I used SOURCE I'll let the others judge by themselves.
Sorry author but this just feels lazy. If it had been only one or two quotes, I would have seen it as a reference and accept it but with so many, it is just plagiarism. That's unfortunate because the idea behind the story was a good idea.
Why are there Vortigaunts in Equestria? Why are they ponies? How do they know Twilight? What do they want from her?
Unfortunately, we never learn that, because apparently they can only speak in verbatim quotes from the game.
There's something of a tantalizing mystery here, but it never gets close to being answered and is just vaguely hinted at. This is another entry which feels like the beginning of a story rather than a complete story in itself. It even ends practically mid-scene.
Unfortunately, we never learn that, because apparently they can only speak in verbatim quotes from the game.
There's something of a tantalizing mystery here, but it never gets close to being answered and is just vaguely hinted at. This is another entry which feels like the beginning of a story rather than a complete story in itself. It even ends practically mid-scene.
Well, I too have no idea what's going on there. It's the problem of basing a fic on a single premise or reference: it ends up as a sort of "group fic", and I feel very much being obliged to go by the wayside, because there's some wagon I can't jump into.
Nevertheless, I agree it was quite funny, so I can't totally bash it.
Finally, what is that Vört? Swedish for "word"?
Nevertheless, I agree it was quite funny, so I can't totally bash it.
Finally, what is that Vört? Swedish for "word"?
Okay. So it is generally questionable to start a story off with unattributed dialogue. It is -really- bad to start with two bits of unattributed dialogue. Once we get to the second voice we can assume facts, but it is still something that should be avoided.
Beyond that, this doesn't really feel like a story so much as an opening scene. I can sorta see the shape of an arc, but there is so much left obscured it barely exists.
I am apparently extra lost because this is a big reference to something, so I have even less of an idea of what's going on then normal. I do get extra confused, though, because I start thinking about the Sisko and how he is linear, though. But apparently that's the wrong idea, so...
Beyond that, this doesn't really feel like a story so much as an opening scene. I can sorta see the shape of an arc, but there is so much left obscured it barely exists.
I am apparently extra lost because this is a big reference to something, so I have even less of an idea of what's going on then normal. I do get extra confused, though, because I start thinking about the Sisko and how he is linear, though. But apparently that's the wrong idea, so...
>>Fenton
Hmmmmm. It seems a fair chunk of the funny bits originated in HL2. I suppose there's a fine line between reference/homage and excessive borrowing, but under the circumstances I feel less comfortable putting it where I had on my slate.
Hmmmmm. It seems a fair chunk of the funny bits originated in HL2. I suppose there's a fine line between reference/homage and excessive borrowing, but under the circumstances I feel less comfortable putting it where I had on my slate.
On first read, this sat as merely "nice oddity" to me. Realizing I was missing a reference, despite playing HL2, I googled. Then I saw Fenton's explanations. Now I'm afraid this goes pretty low down my ranking. The passages I wanted to call out as good writing turn out to be the copy/paste sections. The rest falls completely flat. The entire opening is useless, nothing Spike says/does by delaying the meeting of Twilight and the Vorts moves the story forward. It should open with Twilight opening the door, and then copy/paste less, and have a payoff. It fails on all those counts, and, as much as I love HL2, I have to say this doesn't work for me.
Some of us still type out the title in our review compilation documents, you know. You’re lucky I know how to add umlauts.
You’re not lucky that I haven’t played any of the Half-Life games. The reference didn’t go over my head so much as it took place in a different space-time continuum entirely, so I was just left wondering what was even going on until I read the comments. Crossovers need to be at least somewhat accessible for the uninitiated, especially in events like these were we don’t have any advance warning. Sorry, but this one isn’t going to do well on my slate.
You’re not lucky that I haven’t played any of the Half-Life games. The reference didn’t go over my head so much as it took place in a different space-time continuum entirely, so I was just left wondering what was even going on until I read the comments. Crossovers need to be at least somewhat accessible for the uninitiated, especially in events like these were we don’t have any advance warning. Sorry, but this one isn’t going to do well on my slate.
Retro...
'What I wanted to do was take a silly idea, like a character(s) dialogue is taken verbatim from another source and modified minimally to fit. The original concept was to keep the intro the same, but subsitute Starlight in, and have our emotionless Vort's mistake her for Twilight. They give her praise, until she tells them that she's Starlight, then they give general dissaproval stemming from Starlight's time travel. While they hail Twilight as their savior, they disaprove of the trust given to Glimmer.
Eventually Twilight shows up, and then we get more into how long you could drag out a story with the barely modified dialogue.
What I really should have realized is that the ratio of content to lines is too low, in that the Vortigaunt dialogue saturates. In moving forward (If I ever want to get this adapted for fimfic) I'll make sure to decrease the directly transposed lines and maybe focus more on adapting the stilted way of speaking that the Vortigaunts use.
Thanks for the feedback, better that I get it now than later.'
'What I wanted to do was take a silly idea, like a character(s) dialogue is taken verbatim from another source and modified minimally to fit. The original concept was to keep the intro the same, but subsitute Starlight in, and have our emotionless Vort's mistake her for Twilight. They give her praise, until she tells them that she's Starlight, then they give general dissaproval stemming from Starlight's time travel. While they hail Twilight as their savior, they disaprove of the trust given to Glimmer.
Eventually Twilight shows up, and then we get more into how long you could drag out a story with the barely modified dialogue.
What I really should have realized is that the ratio of content to lines is too low, in that the Vortigaunt dialogue saturates. In moving forward (If I ever want to get this adapted for fimfic) I'll make sure to decrease the directly transposed lines and maybe focus more on adapting the stilted way of speaking that the Vortigaunts use.
Thanks for the feedback, better that I get it now than later.'