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The Changelings are Due in Canterlot
“How do you know he’s not one of them?!” The stallion jabbed a hoof forwards, muscles taut with tension as he pointed across the way at his neighbor. “Honoring the Princess of the Night? That’s ludicrous! That’s just an excuse to move about while we’re asleep, and kidnap more ponies!”
“That’s crazy!” the accused stallion retorted. His ears fanned flat against his skull, and he took a half-step backwards as the murmuring crowd turned his way. “C’mon, Short Sell, you’ve known me for years!” His retreat halted as he stepped forward. “How do we know you aren’t trying to cover for yourself by accusing me?”
“Yea!” piped in a third pony, a sky-blue mare. “You just got married to that mare from Prance. How do we know she’s even a real pony? Maybe she just got close to you, so that she could kidnap you - well, kidnap the real Short Sell - and replace him with a Changeling!”
Short Sell narrowed his eyes. “Because if I were a Changeling, the lot of you would already be captured! It’s only my vigilance that still has us safe! I formed the neighborhood watch! I posted the signs! We’re not getting caught by Changelings again under my watch!”
“That’s just the sort of paranoia we don’t need here,” added a new voice. Another mare, who turned her head towards each. “Short Sell, Star Spy, Mountain Mist, you are friends! You’ve been friends since you met! We should have trust in the Princesses. They’d let us know if there were any Changelings here!”
“They got caught before!” Short Sell retaliated. “Three of them captured in the wedding, and then all of them just recently! We can’t trust the Princesses to keep us safe! And now we’re supposed to accept they’re our friends?!”
“Yea, who are you to talk, Emerald? You’re probably a Changeling lover! The travelling salespony warned us about ponies like you, wanting to promote this so-called ‘peace’! Well I’m not getting caught asleep on my hooves. Changelings aren’t welcome in this neighborhood!”
“Here, here!” called the crowd. Various shouts rang out through the group. “No Changelings! Send them away! Equestria for the ponies!”
“Just what is going on here?!” The new voice cut through the crowd, wings folding to sides as hooves touched down towards the pavement. “Whyever is there such a commotion?” Princess Luna’s eyes scanned the crowd, and as she took in the crowd’s mood, her gaze grew thin and sharp.. “Somepony explain. Now.”
The rabble rousers backed away at that, each looking towards the others. Small motions of forelegs indicating one, then another, till finally Emerald squared her shoulders and stepped forward. “It’s the Changelings, Princess. The ponies here are afraid they’re replacing us. There was a peddler by earlier, and they warned us about Changeling infiltrators already making their way into Canterlot again.”
“Of course there are Changelings,” Luna said matter of factly. “But they are hardly infiltrators. They are our guests.”
“With all due respect, Princess,” cut in Short Sell. “How do you know that’s it? Even if you are right about these so-called ‘good’ Changelings, what about the others?”
“Oh, that is easy.” Luna’s lips curled upwards in a half-smile. “If there were any other Changelings, this spell would reveal them.” Her horn light, and an azure flash bathed the area, dazzling each and every pony. Luna stopped and gazed at the crowd. “Oh, dear me.”
Before her, instead of a neighborhood of ponies, now stood dozens of Changelings. Each bore the same black chitin. Instead of teal, however, the secondary color was a pale violet.
As one, the Changelings let out a feral hiss, and the air filled with the hum of wings as they leapt forward.
Luna let out a long-suffering sigh. “Horseapples. Why me?” Whatever further words she may have uttered were lost as she was engulfed by the swarm.
Five minutes later, ‘Luna’ returned to the palace, was promptly detected by newly installed anti-Changeling wards, and the real Princess rescued only slightly worse for the wear six hours later.
“That’s crazy!” the accused stallion retorted. His ears fanned flat against his skull, and he took a half-step backwards as the murmuring crowd turned his way. “C’mon, Short Sell, you’ve known me for years!” His retreat halted as he stepped forward. “How do we know you aren’t trying to cover for yourself by accusing me?”
“Yea!” piped in a third pony, a sky-blue mare. “You just got married to that mare from Prance. How do we know she’s even a real pony? Maybe she just got close to you, so that she could kidnap you - well, kidnap the real Short Sell - and replace him with a Changeling!”
Short Sell narrowed his eyes. “Because if I were a Changeling, the lot of you would already be captured! It’s only my vigilance that still has us safe! I formed the neighborhood watch! I posted the signs! We’re not getting caught by Changelings again under my watch!”
“That’s just the sort of paranoia we don’t need here,” added a new voice. Another mare, who turned her head towards each. “Short Sell, Star Spy, Mountain Mist, you are friends! You’ve been friends since you met! We should have trust in the Princesses. They’d let us know if there were any Changelings here!”
“They got caught before!” Short Sell retaliated. “Three of them captured in the wedding, and then all of them just recently! We can’t trust the Princesses to keep us safe! And now we’re supposed to accept they’re our friends?!”
“Yea, who are you to talk, Emerald? You’re probably a Changeling lover! The travelling salespony warned us about ponies like you, wanting to promote this so-called ‘peace’! Well I’m not getting caught asleep on my hooves. Changelings aren’t welcome in this neighborhood!”
“Here, here!” called the crowd. Various shouts rang out through the group. “No Changelings! Send them away! Equestria for the ponies!”
“Just what is going on here?!” The new voice cut through the crowd, wings folding to sides as hooves touched down towards the pavement. “Whyever is there such a commotion?” Princess Luna’s eyes scanned the crowd, and as she took in the crowd’s mood, her gaze grew thin and sharp.. “Somepony explain. Now.”
The rabble rousers backed away at that, each looking towards the others. Small motions of forelegs indicating one, then another, till finally Emerald squared her shoulders and stepped forward. “It’s the Changelings, Princess. The ponies here are afraid they’re replacing us. There was a peddler by earlier, and they warned us about Changeling infiltrators already making their way into Canterlot again.”
“Of course there are Changelings,” Luna said matter of factly. “But they are hardly infiltrators. They are our guests.”
“With all due respect, Princess,” cut in Short Sell. “How do you know that’s it? Even if you are right about these so-called ‘good’ Changelings, what about the others?”
“Oh, that is easy.” Luna’s lips curled upwards in a half-smile. “If there were any other Changelings, this spell would reveal them.” Her horn light, and an azure flash bathed the area, dazzling each and every pony. Luna stopped and gazed at the crowd. “Oh, dear me.”
Before her, instead of a neighborhood of ponies, now stood dozens of Changelings. Each bore the same black chitin. Instead of teal, however, the secondary color was a pale violet.
As one, the Changelings let out a feral hiss, and the air filled with the hum of wings as they leapt forward.
Luna let out a long-suffering sigh. “Horseapples. Why me?” Whatever further words she may have uttered were lost as she was engulfed by the swarm.
Five minutes later, ‘Luna’ returned to the palace, was promptly detected by newly installed anti-Changeling wards, and the real Princess rescued only slightly worse for the wear six hours later.
Well... that didn't go where I expected. I'm not sure if this was being poltiical or not, but I couldn't help but see echoes of a current US immigration ban and paranoia here. Apologies, author, of I'm wrong on intent, but as someone who previously wrote "Filthy Rich President Elect" because I needed the catharsis, I sympathize, but... this just doesn't work for me. The drama that should be there in the twist is diffused by the argument itself, and by the number of different voices you tried to pack into this short format.
It's not bad, it's just not doing much for me is all.
It's not bad, it's just not doing much for me is all.
A nice sendup of "The Monsters are Due on Maple Street". :D Though the twist is reversed here, which makes it a very different statement from the original, since instead of nobody actually being an alien, everybody is.
>>Xepher I think it only sounds political because the original Twilight Zone story was.
>>Xepher I think it only sounds political because the original Twilight Zone story was.
After seeing the episode mentionned by >>SPark, I now see how this story is connected to the Twilight Zone and why the last sentences annoyed me before.
Because without the episode, the story felt like this. You settle a place and a tension, then you partly resolve it with Luna's spell. But immediately after, what could have been a threat to Equestria is cut short and Luna is saved and they live happily ever after. Without the episode, that ending feels very rushed and even with the episode, the feelings remains. Where the episode has the time to install a nice tension, here you only have the beginning of it before ending it because of the word count.
Moreover, the goal of the episode was to convey some sort of moral or at least food for thought (I won't try to detail it here, it would be too long and approximate). Here I don't understand what you were aiming for, what kind of message you wanted to deliver and I have the feeling there is one but I just can't figure it out.
So the writting is good and solid but the story just confuses me.
Because without the episode, the story felt like this. You settle a place and a tension, then you partly resolve it with Luna's spell. But immediately after, what could have been a threat to Equestria is cut short and Luna is saved and they live happily ever after. Without the episode, that ending feels very rushed and even with the episode, the feelings remains. Where the episode has the time to install a nice tension, here you only have the beginning of it before ending it because of the word count.
Moreover, the goal of the episode was to convey some sort of moral or at least food for thought (I won't try to detail it here, it would be too long and approximate). Here I don't understand what you were aiming for, what kind of message you wanted to deliver and I have the feeling there is one but I just can't figure it out.
So the writting is good and solid but the story just confuses me.
The idea has some potential, both as political comment as as a story, but the execution hampers it and it didn't really work for me. I feel a bit awful because just a couple of small things are the problem here, but they are enough to sabotage the story, at least considering me as the audience.
The scene-setting is a bit weak, not enough information to get a good idea of what is happening and too much to give the feeling of being in a fearful mob.
While the characters have some differentiating traits, they all are too similar to work as individuals. This may have been an intended effect, but without enough space it's difficult to use it to evoke alienation.
I also think you should remove directly the last paragraph.
Sorry for the harsh review. I truly think that this could shine, but at the moment it is still a bit too rough.
The scene-setting is a bit weak, not enough information to get a good idea of what is happening and too much to give the feeling of being in a fearful mob.
While the characters have some differentiating traits, they all are too similar to work as individuals. This may have been an intended effect, but without enough space it's difficult to use it to evoke alienation.
I also think you should remove directly the last paragraph.
Sorry for the harsh review. I truly think that this could shine, but at the moment it is still a bit too rough.
So... Question. Do the changelings all know that they're all changelings, or is their confusion genuine? Because if it was all just a ploy to lure in an unsuspecting Luna, that'd be kind of funny. But it would also be kind of funny (if a major plothole) if they were all just incapable of realizing who was a changeling and who wasn't, and the revelation that they all were changelings brought them together and resolved their dispute.
And then they attacked Luna because she presented a target of opportunity.
Good, funny, apolitical send-up of a piece of politically charged fiction (I have to disagree with my colleagues; this works best if you don't make it into a political statement) whose premise and conclusion are just a little more vague than they should be.
And then they attacked Luna because she presented a target of opportunity.
Good, funny, apolitical send-up of a piece of politically charged fiction (I have to disagree with my colleagues; this works best if you don't make it into a political statement) whose premise and conclusion are just a little more vague than they should be.
I didn’t see a single political bone in this story’s body. Honestly, I found it rather amusing, especially if the argument was genuine. Consider having all of the changelings boggle at one another for a moment before taking advantage of the opportunity.
I'm familiar with the source episode, so subverting my expectations might have been a little easier than others. That said, I still had a good time here. I'll second >>Posh's question about whether it was an act to lure in Luna or genuine incompetence on the Changelings' part. Incompetence works better, in my opinion, but the other options still slides nicely into a high slot.
Incompetence, for sure. I did a bad job of conveying it, though! But yes, this was meant to be a very silly sendup, a 'But what if, in the original, they had all been aliens?' bit of sillyness. No political commentary intended, at least not this time around!
As for Luna? That was just random, a bit of Douglas Adams attempted channeling, yes.
As for Luna? That was just random, a bit of Douglas Adams attempted channeling, yes.