Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
It's Over
The sun balanced on the edge of the world off Twilight Sparkle's left wing. The moon just touched the horizon off her right. The sky above was a soft purple, the evening star just showing, a bright diamond against the purple backdrop. A rising current of air welled up from beneath her. She would not look down.
There was a hole in the side of the mountain.
The air rising under her wings carried a strange energy with it. She latched onto that thought. I wasn't magic. I couldn't have been magic. Nopony had that much magic except for Celestia and Luna.
Oh Sun, no. Oh moon and stars, no.
She refused to look down. If she didn't look down it wouldn't be real.
The city below was wrecked. Some of the stronger buildings still stood. Anything that could burn had burned.
She wouldn't think about magic. She wouldn't look down. She would think about this odd energy that washed over her. It was passing through her, she noticed. There wasn't a lot of it, but it seemed to be the residue of... something. Yes, something she couldn't think about. Wouldn't think about.
The hole in the side of the mountain did not smoke, though some parts of the city did. Nothing there had burned, it had all been reduced to glassy slag in an instant.
A new kind of energy. That should be exciting. A wonderful discovery. A great day for science. She should be able to shout her joy at the evening sky above. She should be able to run to Celestia and tell her about it, like she always had when she'd found something exciting as a filly.
No, she wouldn't think about that either. She wouldn't think about the hole, and the ravaged city. She wouldn't look down. She would just look at the peaceful twilight sky.
The tears that had welled in her eyes began dripping down her face.
The peaceful, unmoving sky arched above her. How had she done it, when she'd been hiding the power of all the alicorns from Tirek?
The mushroom cloud had long since dissipated. Those who had been outside the blast were moving about among the ruins, doing the best they could to help the wounded. Near the center of the blast there were no wounded, only ash and slag.
Twilight tried to reach out, but she couldn't feel the sun, not the way she'd felt it when Celestia... not the way she'd felt it before. She couldn't feel the moon either. She fumbled around with her magic, trying to get some kind of handle on them, trying to find some way to move them. Time, in some unknown, unmarked amount, passed while she tried, but there was nothing, no way for her to grasp the sun.
Celestia's sun. Twilight looked away from it, but that only brought Luna's moon into her view. They couldn't be gone. It wasn't real. She wouldn't look at any of it, and it wouldn't be real.
Twilight closed her eyes.
The sun balanced on the edge of the world off Twilight Sparkle's left wing. The moon just touched the horizon off her right. The sky above was a soft purple, the evening star just showing, a bright diamond against the purple backdrop.
There was a hole in the side of the mountain.
The air rising under her wings carried a strange energy with it. She latched onto that thought. I wasn't magic. I couldn't have been magic. Nopony had that much magic except for Celestia and Luna.
Oh Sun, no. Oh moon and stars, no.
She refused to look down. If she didn't look down it wouldn't be real.
The city below was wrecked. Some of the stronger buildings still stood. Anything that could burn had burned.
She wouldn't think about magic. She wouldn't look down. She would think about this odd energy that washed over her. It was passing through her, she noticed. There wasn't a lot of it, but it seemed to be the residue of... something. Yes, something she couldn't think about. Wouldn't think about.
The hole in the side of the mountain did not smoke, though some parts of the city did. Nothing there had burned, it had all been reduced to glassy slag in an instant.
A new kind of energy. That should be exciting. A wonderful discovery. A great day for science. She should be able to shout her joy at the evening sky above. She should be able to run to Celestia and tell her about it, like she always had when she'd found something exciting as a filly.
No, she wouldn't think about that either. She wouldn't think about the hole, and the ravaged city. She wouldn't look down. She would just look at the peaceful twilight sky.
The tears that had welled in her eyes began dripping down her face.
The peaceful, unmoving sky arched above her. How had she done it, when she'd been hiding the power of all the alicorns from Tirek?
The mushroom cloud had long since dissipated. Those who had been outside the blast were moving about among the ruins, doing the best they could to help the wounded. Near the center of the blast there were no wounded, only ash and slag.
Twilight tried to reach out, but she couldn't feel the sun, not the way she'd felt it when Celestia... not the way she'd felt it before. She couldn't feel the moon either. She fumbled around with her magic, trying to get some kind of handle on them, trying to find some way to move them. Time, in some unknown, unmarked amount, passed while she tried, but there was nothing, no way for her to grasp the sun.
Celestia's sun. Twilight looked away from it, but that only brought Luna's moon into her view. They couldn't be gone. It wasn't real. She wouldn't look at any of it, and it wouldn't be real.
Twilight closed her eyes.
The sun balanced on the edge of the world off Twilight Sparkle's left wing. The moon just touched the horizon off her right. The sky above was a soft purple, the evening star just showing, a bright diamond against the purple backdrop.
While this story does a fairly good job portraying the emotions of the situation, I wasn't quite able to get fully invested because I spent my time reading wondering "wait, what happened?" It's never fully explained why the event in the story happened, and not knowing the why, how, or who of the situation means I spent my time reading trying to figure those out instead of empathizing with Twilight's emotions. I think the word limitation kinda hampered you here.
That said, I don't think this is a bad story at all. It would just be a bit better if the event was given context imho
That said, I don't think this is a bad story at all. It would just be a bit better if the event was given context imho
Trying to find the stories I forgot to leave comments on earlier and catch 'em all. Anyhow, I disagree with the above that it needs to explain what happened. To me what happened is pretty clear, (somebody nuked Canterlot, obv. I guess I should spoiler that?) and "who" and "why" feel pretty irrelevant. Like, some digression about how it was the gryphons or whatever wouldn't add anything meaningful to what Twilight's feeling?
Also, poor Twi. The discovery of atomic radiation, and she can't properly enjoy it!
Also, poor Twi. The discovery of atomic radiation, and she can't properly enjoy it!
>>8677 Trying to find the stories I forgot to leave comments on earlier and catch 'em all. Anyhow, I disagree with the above that it needs to explain what happened. To me what happened is pretty clear, (somebody nuked Canterlot, obv. I guess I should spoiler that?) and "who" and "why" feel pretty irrelevant. Like, some digression about how it was the gryphons or whatever wouldn't add anything meaningful to what Twilight's feeling?
The implication is that it's Twilight's doing, right? And that's the source of all her angst surrounding it. Or a lot of it, anyway.
I think. To be honest, my reading of this story is heavily impacted by this sentence, right here.
How had she done it, when she'd been hiding the power of all the alicorns from Tirek?
Timeframe, cause, effect, etc. This one sentence throws all of it off. It's all the context we're really given, but rather than clarify or help situate the story, it just calls a lot of stuff into question.
I dig Twilight's inner monologue, and the emotions on display, but am thoroughly confused by the specifics of it. To the point where, yes, it did distract me from enjoying the story.
Ok, from what I can gather, Twilight's showdown with Tirek went south and in using the combined power of four alicorns, she created the thaumaturgic equivalent of an atom bomb, which destroyed a huge chunk of Canterlot. This also affected the balance of the Sun and Moon, and now Twilight is using whatever magic she has left to keep them in check, leaving Equestria in a state of perpetual twilight.
Feel free to tell me how close/far I got from your initial idea after the event is over.
I liked the story, really. It could use some polishing to better convey the desperation Twilight is feeling, though. A few lines felt too much like dry description of the aftermath, when they could have been done in a way that conveyed how Twilight felt when looking at them.
Perhaps first person would be a better fit for this particular piece. Just my two cents, I still think it's a very entertaining read.
Feel free to tell me how close/far I got from your initial idea after the event is over.
I liked the story, really. It could use some polishing to better convey the desperation Twilight is feeling, though. A few lines felt too much like dry description of the aftermath, when they could have been done in a way that conveyed how Twilight felt when looking at them.
Perhaps first person would be a better fit for this particular piece. Just my two cents, I still think it's a very entertaining read.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Posh
Huh. I was about to say that the story specifically said that magic hadn't done it, so it couldn't be Twilight's doing, it had to be some other party who'd invented the atom bomb. But actually on re-reading it says no magic except the alicorn's could have done it, so I guess it could be Twi! It certainly changes the story if it's her fault rather than something some other random enemy did. Though in that case (i.e. if Twi did it with alicorn magic) I'm not sure what the reference to the strange energy that wasn't magic is?
>>Posh
Huh. I was about to say that the story specifically said that magic hadn't done it, so it couldn't be Twilight's doing, it had to be some other party who'd invented the atom bomb. But actually on re-reading it says no magic except the alicorn's could have done it, so I guess it could be Twi! It certainly changes the story if it's her fault rather than something some other random enemy did. Though in that case (i.e. if Twi did it with alicorn magic) I'm not sure what the reference to the strange energy that wasn't magic is?
The story is evocative, but feels like it is mostly mood and implication--whch isn't an inappropriate approach to the prompt--but it leaves me without anything to grasp onto. This is probably due to this one anchor sentence that stops just short of being concrete information:
The sentence tries at one time to place the story during the time of the battle with Tirek after the library was destroyed and to imply that the event of the story occurred afterwards. Between the first word and the last of the sentence lies unrealized possibilities.
The third paragraph third and fourth sentences should be get with "It" but begin with "I".
How had she done it, when she'd been hiding the power of all the alicorns from Tirek?
The sentence tries at one time to place the story during the time of the battle with Tirek after the library was destroyed and to imply that the event of the story occurred afterwards. Between the first word and the last of the sentence lies unrealized possibilities.
The third paragraph third and fourth sentences should be get with "It" but begin with "I".
I think the apparent "I"/"It" typos are maximally jarring in this presentation, because they lead to an initial interpretation of narrator-as-actor that doesn't seem to be intended and isn't borne out by the rest. The comma before "when" does something similar: this isn't during the Tirek battle; she's trying to recall how she handled the sky then, in order to do it again.
My reconstruction is someone else nuked Canterlot, and Twilight's both trying to process the event (including the unprecedented energy source) and reflexively take over for a presumed-slagged Celestia and Luna.
My reconstruction is someone else nuked Canterlot, and Twilight's both trying to process the event (including the unprecedented energy source) and reflexively take over for a presumed-slagged Celestia and Luna.
I think this kinda falls into a fanfiction trap?
See, as far as I can tell, the core of this story is 'Twilight is mourning Celestia and Luna's death'. Some explosion happened, she's trying to move the sun/moon, there's a tragic reveal, alright, that's all very well.
The thing is, the emotional core here - Celestia and Luna are dead and Twilight mourns them - is good, but it's entirely taken on faith, on the strength of the fannon/cannon that surrounds their relationship.
Which... kinda works? But to me, it ends up feeling rather un-earned. I want deep, strong emotions in my stories. As it is, this depends entirely on what's in reader's mind from other stories, and doesn't do anything to re-enforce why the reveal is tragic.
So although this story isn't specifically bad, I've got to say there's a lot of room for it to be stronger. The reveal here isn't bad, but I'd like to see more focus on upping the emotional weight it carries, instead of simply taking it for granted on the strength of this being fanfiction.
See, as far as I can tell, the core of this story is 'Twilight is mourning Celestia and Luna's death'. Some explosion happened, she's trying to move the sun/moon, there's a tragic reveal, alright, that's all very well.
The thing is, the emotional core here - Celestia and Luna are dead and Twilight mourns them - is good, but it's entirely taken on faith, on the strength of the fannon/cannon that surrounds their relationship.
Which... kinda works? But to me, it ends up feeling rather un-earned. I want deep, strong emotions in my stories. As it is, this depends entirely on what's in reader's mind from other stories, and doesn't do anything to re-enforce why the reveal is tragic.
So although this story isn't specifically bad, I've got to say there's a lot of room for it to be stronger. The reveal here isn't bad, but I'd like to see more focus on upping the emotional weight it carries, instead of simply taking it for granted on the strength of this being fanfiction.
Genre: War... war never changes...
Thoughts: I'm grateful for the interpretations of >>SPark and others, because I was left scratching my head. I do enjoy (sometimes even writing) a good mood piece now and again, but I feel like the pacing here was "off". And what I mean there is the rate at which Twilight's emotions came to be laid bare to us, and the rate at which we got more information about what had happened and what was really going on. I see a deliberate effort to set an early hook and slowly clue us in to the nukeage, but there are too many big things that the story asks us to buy without providing enough background as to why: the princesses are dead, and somebody invented nukes, and somebody used a nuke? This is not the Equestria we knowand we need somepony to make it great again, which can be fine, but I need a little more help getting from point A to point B on the differences in setting.
I think this shows promise, especially as part of a longer reveal of who was responsible for this and what Twilight plans to do about it.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: I'm grateful for the interpretations of >>SPark and others, because I was left scratching my head. I do enjoy (sometimes even writing) a good mood piece now and again, but I feel like the pacing here was "off". And what I mean there is the rate at which Twilight's emotions came to be laid bare to us, and the rate at which we got more information about what had happened and what was really going on. I see a deliberate effort to set an early hook and slowly clue us in to the nukeage, but there are too many big things that the story asks us to buy without providing enough background as to why: the princesses are dead, and somebody invented nukes, and somebody used a nuke? This is not the Equestria we know
I think this shows promise, especially as part of a longer reveal of who was responsible for this and what Twilight plans to do about it.
Tier: Needs Work
If this isn’t a Teen Girl Squad crossover, I’m going to be a little disappointed.
KERSPLODED!
(I am so sorry. I set myself up too well not to.)
In any case, I will note that any sufficiently large explosion produces a mushroom cloud, not just nuclear weapons. Still, while Twilight’s grief is palpable, the story doesn’t feel resolved. It’s tragic, yes, but ironically enough, it isn’t over. I’m left asking “And then what?” Not in a good way, either. I’m not sure what I want more of here, but I definitely feel this needs more to work properly.
KERSPLODED!
(I am so sorry. I set myself up too well not to.)
In any case, I will note that any sufficiently large explosion produces a mushroom cloud, not just nuclear weapons. Still, while Twilight’s grief is palpable, the story doesn’t feel resolved. It’s tragic, yes, but ironically enough, it isn’t over. I’m left asking “And then what?” Not in a good way, either. I’m not sure what I want more of here, but I definitely feel this needs more to work properly.
So, everything others said above mostly holds for me too. It's a little confusing as to an exact timeline, but the real problem is there's just enough hints to make us think that timeline is relevant, when it really shouldn't be to the core of the story here.
Beyond what everyone else has said, I think the real problem here is this story is static. We very quickly see something big and tragic has happened, the city is gone, and there's a hole in the mountain. Setup is now over. What this tries to do is show Twilight dealing with the emotional fallout (sorry, had to), but instead, we see more descriptions of the destruction, descriptions which tell us nothing new.
Stories like this need to build. If you start off slow, you can build up the reveal of what happened. Show more and more details, each increasing the reader's understanding of the scale of the horror. Simultaneously (or instead of, if you want to focus) you should have the character advance emotionally as well. Unfortunately, by paragraph six, we know all we need to about what happened, AND we see Twilight deal with it by ignoring it. At the end of the story, we know nothing additional about the tragedy, AND Twilight is still just ignoring it. There is no advancement on either front, and so the story falls flat, despite an interesting premise.
Beyond what everyone else has said, I think the real problem here is this story is static. We very quickly see something big and tragic has happened, the city is gone, and there's a hole in the mountain. Setup is now over. What this tries to do is show Twilight dealing with the emotional fallout (sorry, had to), but instead, we see more descriptions of the destruction, descriptions which tell us nothing new.
Stories like this need to build. If you start off slow, you can build up the reveal of what happened. Show more and more details, each increasing the reader's understanding of the scale of the horror. Simultaneously (or instead of, if you want to focus) you should have the character advance emotionally as well. Unfortunately, by paragraph six, we know all we need to about what happened, AND we see Twilight deal with it by ignoring it. At the end of the story, we know nothing additional about the tragedy, AND Twilight is still just ignoring it. There is no advancement on either front, and so the story falls flat, despite an interesting premise.
On one hand, I love the atmosphere created by the writing, as well as the general tension implied. I can really feel Twilight's situation, when the entire world falls apart around her and she's just trying not to panic.
On the other hand, the story is ultimately kind of unclear. Just what happened? When is this actually happening? Are Celestia and Luna dead? We don't know exactly. All we get are scraps of Twilight's panicked thoughts to go on.
Uhm, I think this was meant to be "it", not "I"? Because it doesn't make sense otherwise.
This is also difficult to parse; I'm not fully sure what you meant there. When seeing this particular sentence structure, the first meaning that comes to the reader's mind is one of opposition: "how could she have done it in spite of having been hiding the [blablabla]", which doesn't really make much sense.
Another interpretation is that you're trying to squeeze two separate pieces of information into one sentence: who is responsible for the incident (Twilight), and when did the incident happen (at the time when she'd been hiding the blablabla.) This just comes off as a very awkward sentence.
The third sentence here can throw the reader for a loop--you'd just referred to the sun and the moon, so it's natural to assume that "they" refers to these celestial bodies, and it requires a bit of thought to realize it actually refers to the two princesses (um, it does, right?)
So: good writing, powerful imagery... but the story is hampered by some crucial information being conveyed in a highly unclear way. Once fixed, this might be one hell of a story.
On the other hand, the story is ultimately kind of unclear. Just what happened? When is this actually happening? Are Celestia and Luna dead? We don't know exactly. All we get are scraps of Twilight's panicked thoughts to go on.
I wasn't magic. I couldn't have been magic.
Uhm, I think this was meant to be "it", not "I"? Because it doesn't make sense otherwise.
How had she done it, when she'd been hiding the power of all the alicorns from Tirek?
This is also difficult to parse; I'm not fully sure what you meant there. When seeing this particular sentence structure, the first meaning that comes to the reader's mind is one of opposition: "how could she have done it in spite of having been hiding the [blablabla]", which doesn't really make much sense.
Another interpretation is that you're trying to squeeze two separate pieces of information into one sentence: who is responsible for the incident (Twilight), and when did the incident happen (at the time when she'd been hiding the blablabla.) This just comes off as a very awkward sentence.
Celestia's sun. Twilight looked away from it, but that only brought Luna's moon into her view. They couldn't be gone. It wasn't real.
The third sentence here can throw the reader for a loop--you'd just referred to the sun and the moon, so it's natural to assume that "they" refers to these celestial bodies, and it requires a bit of thought to realize it actually refers to the two princesses (um, it does, right?)
So: good writing, powerful imagery... but the story is hampered by some crucial information being conveyed in a highly unclear way. Once fixed, this might be one hell of a story.
Okay, so... this was obviously a complete and total flop. Exactly one person seemed to understand what I'd been trying to do, and they presented that understanding as a criticism. So... back to the drawing board, I guess?
The idea was basically The Twilight Will Last Forever, and I was trying to get that across (to the point of using up precious words repeating things, just to show that nothing had changed and nothing would ever change!) But I guess the nuke thing which was just the first idea I came up with for something with enough whammy to get both Celestia and Luna was too distracting, and then the line where Twilight was trying to remember how she'd moved the sun and moon way back when made everybody somehow think Tirek was relevant now and it was just obviously way too confusing. I should apparently stick to stories where there's mostly text and not subtext. :P
I honestly thought it would be super obvious what was going on, I was concentrating more on how to make that sense of static sameness come across.
So yeah. Big fat belly flop there.
I think the real problem here is this story is static<--the thing in question.
The idea was basically The Twilight Will Last Forever, and I was trying to get that across (to the point of using up precious words repeating things, just to show that nothing had changed and nothing would ever change!) But I guess the nuke thing which was just the first idea I came up with for something with enough whammy to get both Celestia and Luna was too distracting, and then the line where Twilight was trying to remember how she'd moved the sun and moon way back when made everybody somehow think Tirek was relevant now and it was just obviously way too confusing. I should apparently stick to stories where there's mostly text and not subtext. :P
I honestly thought it would be super obvious what was going on, I was concentrating more on how to make that sense of static sameness come across.
So yeah. Big fat belly flop there.
The story does have great potential... both by its premise of a cataclysm (an all-too-familiar one to the readers) utterly changing everything we know, and depicting it from Twilight's viewpoint, as she tries to cope with what happened. I encourage you to work on it.
>>SPark
Don't take it the wrong way, but I do prefer the story in my head. "Twilight went too far while fighting Tirek", by virtue of its connection to canon events, seems more interesting than "One day, there was a nuclear explosion for no particular reason."
Well, that's not surprising... there was no indication whatsoever that the word "it" in "How had she done it" refers to moving the sun; instead, it's natural to assume that "it" refers to the nuking itself.
>>SPark
But I guess the nuke thing which was just the first idea I came up with for something with enough whammy to get both Celestia and Luna was too distracting...
Don't take it the wrong way, but I do prefer the story in my head. "Twilight went too far while fighting Tirek", by virtue of its connection to canon events, seems more interesting than "One day, there was a nuclear explosion for no particular reason."
and then the line where Twilight was trying to remember how she'd moved the sun and moon way back when made everybody somehow think Tirek was relevant now
Well, that's not surprising... there was no indication whatsoever that the word "it" in "How had she done it" refers to moving the sun; instead, it's natural to assume that "it" refers to the nuking itself.