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Awesome!
The sun set on a day of soaring, napping, and practicing my new Wonderbolts moves. Orange and purple bathed Twilight's castle as I landed on the golden balcony with a clatter. The arched green stained-glass doors swung open. Probably the wind.
I peered into the dusky hall past the purple drapes. "Twi?"
I perked an ear.
The breeze whistled, nothing more.
"Fluttershy sent me." Yeah, anything to avoid thinking about the Wonderbolt promotion exams on Monday.
Nothing.
Of course Twilight would get a castle for two—no three ponies. I walked in, looked both ways into a really long empty hall. My skin tingled for a moment and I heard a faint whir-whir-whir.
"Sheesh, Twilight. Enough room for books?"
Orange, pink, and purple streamed through the skylight leaving clinging shadows. I shivered, then smiled. I liked spooky. "Hey, Twilight?"
The balcony doors slammed behind me.
I jumped into the air, fur rising on my spine, hovering, staring at the doors. I kept smiling; nopony had seen me act uncool. I fluttered left toward the bend in the corridor, then landed, hoping to find stairs. The clop-clop of my horseshoes echoed until I peered around the corner.
Directly behind me, I heard the pop you'd hear opening a thermos. My shadow appeared before me. My ears swiveled back before I turned and—
A brown door finished opening. I gasped, shielded my eyes with a wing, looking through feathers at—
"Another secret room, like Starlight found!" I glanced furtively around, swishing my tail. No ponies.
I smelled apples. "Awesooome."
I crept forward, stuck my nose into a tiny purple and blue crystal room.
Books. Shelves of books. "A library? Really? Boooooo."
But… nice and warm. I stepped further in. A fire (wood not magic) crackled fragrantly in a cozy fireplace. Next to it stood an amazing sight.
Was it?
It was! Woven of fine cirrus to mold to the body of the most discerning pegasus, me, stood a Char and Ray Aims Cloud® chair. I trotted over, admiring the grey and white curving chillaxing cushions in the firelight. I glanced at the bookshelf behind.
I blinked, tilted my head. Wonderbolt History of— Aeronautical Principles— Flying books? Dozens of pegasus self-help titles. Ones on speed and stunt flying.
Apples. I smelled apples.
Slam!
Again midair, I looked and gulped. The door had vanished.
I darted to the blank wall, the corners of the ceiling, examined the bookcases. The room, lit only by the fire, was sealed but for hoof-sized vents. "Really really spooky, Twilight," I said.
Maybe it wasn't Twilight.
The castle had made a secret room for Starlight. Had it made one for me? I nodded. Of course it had, I thought as I landed, because—I was awesome. And I liked spooky. And it was a "friendship" castle so how dangerous could it be?
"Heh-heh," I said, nervously. I put a hoof to my mouth though nopony was there.
And looked at the knotty pine table before me. On it sat a ginormous stein of—yes! It was hot cider! Beside it sat a white china plate stacked with double fudge chocolate chocolate-chip cookies. And at the table's edge lay a yellow and black book.
The title read Aeronautics for Dummies.
"Thank you, Twilight," I growled at the crystal walled room. The firelight flickered from a thousand facets back at me.
Actually, I felt oddly okay with it. I looked at the fire, the awesome chair, the crunchy (Oh. So. Wonderful.) cookies, and the cider that steamed and smelled so good. Even the book looked— Maybe a little awesome, because, well… I was a bit of a dummy.
Don't tell anypony! You tell anypony, I'll deny it.
I pushed the table close to the cloud chair. I sipped the cider, closing my eyes in pure unadulterated completely involuntary ecstasy! It wasn't a Daring Doo, but— I wriggled myself into the snuggly grip of the chair, felt the fire warm my wings, and cracked the book.
Spike said, "Rainbow Dash reading, check!"
Cozy, laying on my back, legs crossed, I looked at the little green dragon in the doorway through narrowed eyes. He checked a parchment with a yellow pencil.
Twilight, wings flared, asked, "What's the coefficient of drag?"
I— I knew that! "The resistance of a pegasus through a fluid environment… like air! C sub d equals—"
Starlight stepped forward. "My new Twilight Zone study spell?"
Spike said, "Check and check."
I laughed. "Getting me to study? Awesome!"
I peered into the dusky hall past the purple drapes. "Twi?"
I perked an ear.
The breeze whistled, nothing more.
"Fluttershy sent me." Yeah, anything to avoid thinking about the Wonderbolt promotion exams on Monday.
Nothing.
Of course Twilight would get a castle for two—no three ponies. I walked in, looked both ways into a really long empty hall. My skin tingled for a moment and I heard a faint whir-whir-whir.
"Sheesh, Twilight. Enough room for books?"
Orange, pink, and purple streamed through the skylight leaving clinging shadows. I shivered, then smiled. I liked spooky. "Hey, Twilight?"
The balcony doors slammed behind me.
I jumped into the air, fur rising on my spine, hovering, staring at the doors. I kept smiling; nopony had seen me act uncool. I fluttered left toward the bend in the corridor, then landed, hoping to find stairs. The clop-clop of my horseshoes echoed until I peered around the corner.
Directly behind me, I heard the pop you'd hear opening a thermos. My shadow appeared before me. My ears swiveled back before I turned and—
A brown door finished opening. I gasped, shielded my eyes with a wing, looking through feathers at—
"Another secret room, like Starlight found!" I glanced furtively around, swishing my tail. No ponies.
I smelled apples. "Awesooome."
I crept forward, stuck my nose into a tiny purple and blue crystal room.
Books. Shelves of books. "A library? Really? Boooooo."
But… nice and warm. I stepped further in. A fire (wood not magic) crackled fragrantly in a cozy fireplace. Next to it stood an amazing sight.
Was it?
It was! Woven of fine cirrus to mold to the body of the most discerning pegasus, me, stood a Char and Ray Aims Cloud® chair. I trotted over, admiring the grey and white curving chillaxing cushions in the firelight. I glanced at the bookshelf behind.
I blinked, tilted my head. Wonderbolt History of— Aeronautical Principles— Flying books? Dozens of pegasus self-help titles. Ones on speed and stunt flying.
Apples. I smelled apples.
Slam!
Again midair, I looked and gulped. The door had vanished.
I darted to the blank wall, the corners of the ceiling, examined the bookcases. The room, lit only by the fire, was sealed but for hoof-sized vents. "Really really spooky, Twilight," I said.
Maybe it wasn't Twilight.
The castle had made a secret room for Starlight. Had it made one for me? I nodded. Of course it had, I thought as I landed, because—I was awesome. And I liked spooky. And it was a "friendship" castle so how dangerous could it be?
"Heh-heh," I said, nervously. I put a hoof to my mouth though nopony was there.
And looked at the knotty pine table before me. On it sat a ginormous stein of—yes! It was hot cider! Beside it sat a white china plate stacked with double fudge chocolate chocolate-chip cookies. And at the table's edge lay a yellow and black book.
The title read Aeronautics for Dummies.
"Thank you, Twilight," I growled at the crystal walled room. The firelight flickered from a thousand facets back at me.
Actually, I felt oddly okay with it. I looked at the fire, the awesome chair, the crunchy (Oh. So. Wonderful.) cookies, and the cider that steamed and smelled so good. Even the book looked— Maybe a little awesome, because, well… I was a bit of a dummy.
Don't tell anypony! You tell anypony, I'll deny it.
I pushed the table close to the cloud chair. I sipped the cider, closing my eyes in pure unadulterated completely involuntary ecstasy! It wasn't a Daring Doo, but— I wriggled myself into the snuggly grip of the chair, felt the fire warm my wings, and cracked the book.
A considerably long time later…
Spike said, "Rainbow Dash reading, check!"
Cozy, laying on my back, legs crossed, I looked at the little green dragon in the doorway through narrowed eyes. He checked a parchment with a yellow pencil.
Twilight, wings flared, asked, "What's the coefficient of drag?"
I— I knew that! "The resistance of a pegasus through a fluid environment… like air! C sub d equals—"
Starlight stepped forward. "My new Twilight Zone study spell?"
Spike said, "Check and check."
I laughed. "Getting me to study? Awesome!"
A funny story here.
I believed you would mislead the reader more but you didn't and I think that helped not get the reader lost.
For a story this short, the mention of the Wonderbolt promotion exams was a bit obvious that it would play an important part in the story. And the fact that you didn't try to mislead the reader made the ending a bit unsurprising. I didn't guess it entirely though, I was just thinking that the Castle of Friendship had a Room of Requirement like in Harry Potter.
I believed you would mislead the reader more but you didn't and I think that helped not get the reader lost.
For a story this short, the mention of the Wonderbolt promotion exams was a bit obvious that it would play an important part in the story. And the fact that you didn't try to mislead the reader made the ending a bit unsurprising. I didn't guess it entirely though, I was just thinking that the Castle of Friendship had a Room of Requirement like in Harry Potter.
Eh. This just kind of happens, and I feel like it wastes some of its word count on excessive description. Sorry, but it just didn’t do anything for me. Aside from tightening it up in places, I’m afraid that I’m not sure how to change that.
The immediacy of this really pulled me in and got me invested. It's very sense-based, and I liked that a lot; I can't remember the last time a story I read mentioned smell.
The ending felt just a little... pat. The 'check, check, awesome' felt rehearsed, almost? It seemed like the author's hand showed a little strongly, perhaps, and that threw me a bit. Overly stylized, perhaps, in comparison to the rest.
Still, as far as 'just plain nice' stories go, this is one of the best I've read in a while.
The ending felt just a little... pat. The 'check, check, awesome' felt rehearsed, almost? It seemed like the author's hand showed a little strongly, perhaps, and that threw me a bit. Overly stylized, perhaps, in comparison to the rest.
Still, as far as 'just plain nice' stories go, this is one of the best I've read in a while.
Like >>Not_A_Hat said, the sensory description in this is wonderful. However, I never felt remotely unnerved while Rainbow was looking around, and I never expected a twist, so as long as that was your intention, we're good. If you did intend to creep me out, though, it didn't work, and I can pin the main reason for that on the title. It clearly implies nothing bad is going to happen.
It might be a little bit creepy though that the room/Starlight is casting a spell on Dash to make her read/study...
Oh. Oh. If that was the intention, author, touché. I just got it.
Moving further up the slate, on that basis.
It might be a little bit creepy though that the room/Starlight is casting a spell on Dash to make her read/study...
Oh. Oh. If that was the intention, author, touché. I just got it.
Moving further up the slate, on that basis.
This one is close! Close to getting it all right, I mean. Rainbow's internal monologue sounds great. The premise, of Starlight's "helpful" spell, and the obvious "Room of Requirement" combo, that works excellently too. The only flaws are minor, in the early exploration. Dash acts like it's a funhouse, that she's critiquing. But it's not set up that way, so it doesn't flow right at first. Work on that, get a set up where Dash is staring at the walls or something and is like "Fine, I'll play your game." If she hams it up, playing to an invisible audience, her literal dialog makes more sense, and it makes the internal thoughts more relevant.
Lastly, the ending could use a tad more clarity. I'm definitely blaming wordcount here, but this is an info dump trying to explain to the reader what happened, and it feels rushed and untidy. We need a better transition from FPD (first pony dash) to the other characters. E.g. see her trot in, or show a clearer setup for a study scene at some later date.
Lastly, the ending could use a tad more clarity. I'm definitely blaming wordcount here, but this is an info dump trying to explain to the reader what happened, and it feels rushed and untidy. We need a better transition from FPD (first pony dash) to the other characters. E.g. see her trot in, or show a clearer setup for a study scene at some later date.
You use a lot of colors right at the beginning. Try to vary stuff like that up a bit, because it jumps out when it's very close.
Something doesn't work for me in the actual diction of the story, but hell if I can put a finger on what it is right this second. I'll add another comment if i work out what it is.
Something doesn't work for me in the actual diction of the story, but hell if I can put a finger on what it is right this second. I'll add another comment if i work out what it is.
I call bullshit on Rainbow Dash knowing the word "discerning," because Rainbow Dash is a very stupid pony.
(I actually love Dashie; I don't know if that's obvious from how often I mock her)
The last scene feels out of step with the rest of the story (Twilight's in the room all of a sudden? Or the doorway? Were she and Starlight hiding in themake-out study closet?), and I agree that ending on that exchange feels cheesy. I also don't like the italicized scene transition. Couldn't you have somehow illustrated Rainbow getting lost in her studying via, like... narration? Or even just used something like a line to indicate the scene break?
Maybe it's just a problem that I have; I always read sentences like that in the voice of the French narrator from SpongeBob.
Other than that, the atmosphere the story builds in its first part is great, and the fact that it gets subverted at the end is also great. I question the merits of this study strategy on the grounds that Rainbow would probably get lost in her own comfort and forget to read, but I guess I can also see how it works? A little? I think?
8/10.
(I actually love Dashie; I don't know if that's obvious from how often I mock her)
The last scene feels out of step with the rest of the story (Twilight's in the room all of a sudden? Or the doorway? Were she and Starlight hiding in the
Maybe it's just a problem that I have; I always read sentences like that in the voice of the French narrator from SpongeBob.
Other than that, the atmosphere the story builds in its first part is great, and the fact that it gets subverted at the end is also great. I question the merits of this study strategy on the grounds that Rainbow would probably get lost in her own comfort and forget to read, but I guess I can also see how it works? A little? I think?
8/10.
We're now at the point where if I want to say anything no one else has said, I have to resort to picking nits.
Inclusion of the ® symbol in fictional brand names may be alright in satirical writing, but this is not that. It's something of an old joke anyway.
For some reason, people don't write pony fiction in the first person that often, so it is always a nice change of pace to see. Some of the more advanced language RD uses here might be explained by her having taken up reading. But then, why does she say things like, "A library? Really? Boooooo." Reading should be no problem anymore; it's studying that she has trouble with.
Phrases like A considerably long time later… are things used in funnybooks, but not prose writing. Scene breaks do the same thing, are less obtrusive, and are professional standard.
Watch out for misuse of said-bookisms. In this piece I only see one that sticks out: "growled." These are normally used a lot in juvenile writing and lower, but when writing for adults it is better to stick with "said" unless you have no choice.
Overall, it seems alright to me, but I'm not well-versed in slice-of-life stories, so take that for what it's worth.
Inclusion of the ® symbol in fictional brand names may be alright in satirical writing, but this is not that. It's something of an old joke anyway.
For some reason, people don't write pony fiction in the first person that often, so it is always a nice change of pace to see. Some of the more advanced language RD uses here might be explained by her having taken up reading. But then, why does she say things like, "A library? Really? Boooooo." Reading should be no problem anymore; it's studying that she has trouble with.
Phrases like A considerably long time later… are things used in funnybooks, but not prose writing. Scene breaks do the same thing, are less obtrusive, and are professional standard.
Watch out for misuse of said-bookisms. In this piece I only see one that sticks out: "growled." These are normally used a lot in juvenile writing and lower, but when writing for adults it is better to stick with "said" unless you have no choice.
Overall, it seems alright to me, but I'm not well-versed in slice-of-life stories, so take that for what it's worth.
>>HorseVoice
I interpreted that as her being disappointed it wasn't something spookier. She's not afraid of it, and that's actually what she's bothered about.
But then, why does she say things like, "A library? Really? Boooooo."
I interpreted that as her being disappointed it wasn't something spookier. She's not afraid of it, and that's actually what she's bothered about.
"Of course Twilight would get a castle for two—no three ponies." - Do castles usually come in the single-occupant variety? I'm not an expert in castleology, or whatever.
First person is always a treat when it's done well, and this fits the bill. Good use of lighting to set up the time of day and help the spooky atmosphere along a bit. "My skin tingled for a moment and I heard a faint whir-whir-whir." - The spell for the room kicking in/reading her mind/whatever, I wonder?
I don't have the concern with Starlight using magic on Dash that some others brought up. While it seems she is (or Twilight is via Starlight's spell), it seems like the personal component is pretty read-only in nature, and then it sets up a room accordingly. Pretty innocent at this level.
Two thumbs up.
First person is always a treat when it's done well, and this fits the bill. Good use of lighting to set up the time of day and help the spooky atmosphere along a bit. "My skin tingled for a moment and I heard a faint whir-whir-whir." - The spell for the room kicking in/reading her mind/whatever, I wonder?
I don't have the concern with Starlight using magic on Dash that some others brought up. While it seems she is (or Twilight is via Starlight's spell), it seems like the personal component is pretty read-only in nature, and then it sets up a room accordingly. Pretty innocent at this level.
Two thumbs up.
Orange and purple bathed Twilight's castle
crackled fragrantly
The firelight flickered from a thousand facets
Sorry, but lines like these don't sound very much like something Rainbow Dash would say.
I shivered, then smiled. I liked spooky.
I kept smiling; nopony had seen me act uncool.
These, on the other hand, are so Dash. Good lines!
Of course Twilight would get a castle for two—no three ponies. I walked in, looked both ways into a really long empty hall. [...] "Sheesh, Twilight. Enough room for books?"
...The castle has been around for a long time now, and only now Dash notices that, oh right, it's kinda bigger than a cottage?
On the whole, this is a pretty nice and cozy story, though I have to question the entire premise. Did Twilight and Starlight set up this a whole secret plan to lure Rainbow Dash into a secret room? It seems that it kind of stretches the believability for me, and it seems a little unrealistic that they'd just go and make her into a guinea pig like this, without asking her permission.
I've published a 20% longer version on FimFiction, taking into account a lot of good criticism from you folks. Really, almost every comment was useful. I'm a novelist, so something this short is especially challenging. As a Clarion alumnist, I also appreciate good critiques that actually point things out that are useful to the author, not just important to the person giving the critique. So... Thank you everypony!
>>Fenton
>>SPark
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Astrarian
>>Xepher
>>AndrewRogue
>>Posh
>>HorseVoice
>>Rao
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Fenton
>>SPark
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Astrarian
>>Xepher
>>AndrewRogue
>>Posh
>>HorseVoice
>>Rao
>>JudgeDeadd