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Dreaming about this fishy girl again? This creature with 'wings' who flies in the 'sky' with 'sun'," he laughs and helps me up, "I don't know where you get all these imaginative things from.
Hm... since when are Diamond Dogs unaware of the existence of the world above? Or is this an AU, or a far-future setting?
I also don't get the point of the entire "Ghoti"/"Fish" reference. Just why is the griffon named after a fish and referred to as a "fishy girl"? Is this all a setup for a rhyming pun in the final sentence?
Don't worry, nameless protagonist; there are other ghoti in the sea.
The 'it was all just a dream' kinda sorta almost works here? Someone longing for something they don't see, or even really understand, could maybe be powerful. As it is, though, the contrast is a bit too sharp, and perhaps a bit too nonsensical. When it turns, it just kinda drops everything that came before instead of going on to make sense of what that means.
And the reference is more distracting than useful, I think.
The 'it was all just a dream' kinda sorta almost works here? Someone longing for something they don't see, or even really understand, could maybe be powerful. As it is, though, the contrast is a bit too sharp, and perhaps a bit too nonsensical. When it turns, it just kinda drops everything that came before instead of going on to make sense of what that means.
And the reference is more distracting than useful, I think.
I like the concept here.
Seeing things one has no experience of and describing them through the lenses of their own experiences is tricky but quite atmospheric. The things he got wrong (like the gray sun) are things he described using what he knows, which forms a nice parallel with the title.
You could probably have explained better why fish, but if I had to guess it's because Ghoti swims through the air, which is the best analogy for flying our MC had.
Concept aside, the writing is a bit rough around the edges. A bit of editing should solve that problem.
This ends about the middle of my slate. Nice concept, cool but lacking implementation.
Seeing things one has no experience of and describing them through the lenses of their own experiences is tricky but quite atmospheric. The things he got wrong (like the gray sun) are things he described using what he knows, which forms a nice parallel with the title.
You could probably have explained better why fish, but if I had to guess it's because Ghoti swims through the air, which is the best analogy for flying our MC had.
Concept aside, the writing is a bit rough around the edges. A bit of editing should solve that problem.
This ends about the middle of my slate. Nice concept, cool but lacking implementation.
>>Orbiting_kettle
I admit I missed the gray sun line. However, I haven't found any other "things gotten wrong" fragments along these lines, and they'd have enhanced the story. (Indeed, one thing that's been bothering me was: "OK, if he's never seen the surface world, then how has all this imagery found its way into his dreams?" Here's an idea -- what if the author had hinted [more clearly] that the protagonist knows the topside world only from stories and faded pictures?)
I admit I missed the gray sun line. However, I haven't found any other "things gotten wrong" fragments along these lines, and they'd have enhanced the story. (Indeed, one thing that's been bothering me was: "OK, if he's never seen the surface world, then how has all this imagery found its way into his dreams?" Here's an idea -- what if the author had hinted [more clearly] that the protagonist knows the topside world only from stories and faded pictures?)
>>JudgeDeadd
Yes, that would indeed add a lot.
The other things he got wrong were, IMHO, the game itself and the names of the teams.
Small stuff, I admit, which can easily be lost.
Yes, that would indeed add a lot.
The other things he got wrong were, IMHO, the game itself and the names of the teams.
Small stuff, I admit, which can easily be lost.
It being a dream of what he thinks the surface is is cool. The story is a bit marred in basic grammar errors, though, and skips forward in a way that leaves me feeling a bit whiplashed. Definitely want to work on pacing, really, as well as try polishing your diction a bit, author; word choice here didn't always feel natural, but not in a way I would write off as intentional evocation of dream-feeling that would justify it.
For those wondering, here's a quick guide to the title and the love interest’s name.
I definitely get what the intent is: Assembling something based on scraps taken outside of their normal contexts, resulting in something unrecognizable as the original concept. Of course, true incomprehensibility would make the story unreadable, but you made have overcompensated. There just isn’t enough here that’s eye-catchingly weird. Plenty that’s vague, yes, and that’s well-used as a way to gloss over the details the narrator doesn’t know.
However, that’s really where the story starts to fall apart. The narrator actually knows too much for a member of a society that believes there’s nothing but them and the earth (which raises questions on its own; at the very least, they need to dig ventilation shafts.) While the concept is intriguing, the execution results in irreconcilable contradictions. Think about this one a bit more before expanding it, but definitely do expand it.
(Also, of course the griffin is named Ghoti; how else could Miss Fish maintain the naming convention? ;) )
I definitely get what the intent is: Assembling something based on scraps taken outside of their normal contexts, resulting in something unrecognizable as the original concept. Of course, true incomprehensibility would make the story unreadable, but you made have overcompensated. There just isn’t enough here that’s eye-catchingly weird. Plenty that’s vague, yes, and that’s well-used as a way to gloss over the details the narrator doesn’t know.
However, that’s really where the story starts to fall apart. The narrator actually knows too much for a member of a society that believes there’s nothing but them and the earth (which raises questions on its own; at the very least, they need to dig ventilation shafts.) While the concept is intriguing, the execution results in irreconcilable contradictions. Think about this one a bit more before expanding it, but definitely do expand it.
(Also, of course the griffin is named Ghoti; how else could Miss Fish maintain the naming convention? ;) )
>>FanOfMostEverything I don't mind a clever, obscure pun, but I draw the line at having to do homework to understand a work of fiction.
I'll say this in its favor, though, the writing style (and even the odd errors here and there) work if you read it in a diamond dog's voice. Their grasp on language and syntax isn't fantabulous, after all. If done to give the narrator a unique voice, maybe even to hint at their true nature, maybe even to create a dreamlike atmosphere that makes sense when you re-read the story with that context in mind...
Then that's rather clever, and I applaud you, author.
I'll say this in its favor, though, the writing style (and even the odd errors here and there) work if you read it in a diamond dog's voice. Their grasp on language and syntax isn't fantabulous, after all. If done to give the narrator a unique voice, maybe even to hint at their true nature, maybe even to create a dreamlike atmosphere that makes sense when you re-read the story with that context in mind...
Then that's rather clever, and I applaud you, author.
I want to start by saying I appreciate the effort that went into this. Having a color-blind dog describe things (grey sun, white feathers and coal-black fur, etc.) is a subtle touch. The title threw me, until I saw Ghothi and then things clicked. Setting up a pun at the end, and one based on "if wishes were fishes" is great as well. The concept of not-quite-understanding that ties it all together is clever indeed.
What doesn't work for me is how he has the concept of "picking up a date for supper" or "watches" that he doesn't even wear. Feathers too, for that matter. It's frustrating not really understanding how much connection there is to the world above. Moreso, why this particular connection to a hoofball game and a griffon commentator.
And that's my overall problem. This is stunt-writing, and sets up for itself some narrow rules for the game it tries to play. When I see that, I can't help but be overly critical when it falls short in places.
But... this still gets a decent ranking in my mind, even if I would've liked to see a more solid story to go on top of all the cleverness.
What doesn't work for me is how he has the concept of "picking up a date for supper" or "watches" that he doesn't even wear. Feathers too, for that matter. It's frustrating not really understanding how much connection there is to the world above. Moreso, why this particular connection to a hoofball game and a griffon commentator.
And that's my overall problem. This is stunt-writing, and sets up for itself some narrow rules for the game it tries to play. When I see that, I can't help but be overly critical when it falls short in places.
But... this still gets a decent ranking in my mind, even if I would've liked to see a more solid story to go on top of all the cleverness.
I fidget and quickly a hoof through my mane, hoping I look presentable, "Why I stay up here?
Quite a few typos and technical errors in this one, I'm afraid. The above quote alone has two missing words and an incorrect comma, and continues into a run-on sentence. The run-on may be intentional, but there are enough errors outside of the protagonist's voice that I'm hesitant to chalk it all up to intent. No quick cure for this, I'm afraid. Read all your writing with a critical eye towards catching simple errors, especially ones you know you're prone to making!
As to the content of the story, I loved the color play and diamond dog imagination fill-ins! The naming gimmicks didn't bother me either, although the title threw me for a little bit. What does bother me is... well, the base concept and storyboarding. The ending kills my interest, because I was invested in E and Ghoti and what they were doing, and suddenly it's thrown away!
It'd be much more palatable to me if the "dream" and date actually were real and this was a diamond dog that had come to the surface. That might sound like a drastic change on the face of things, and I understand it's really hard to think about and spot changes of direction like that mid-writing, but I don't think it would really take that much! You could still do most of the color and name beats, fulfilling the prompt sufficiently, and you'd have a natural lead in to a sweet ending where the griffon starts to correct him and/or lets slip some unusual assumptions of her own. The plot outline marks this out as a downer, but the strength of your writing here is in the sweet earnestness of the characters and the amusing wordplay, which all point in the direction of a more positive story.