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Twilight Sparkle Seeks a Zoning Permit
"Spike! Guess what just came in the mail?"
Spike looked up from his milk-sodden cornflakes. A giddy alicorn grinned at him, holding a thick, white envelope in a levitation field.
"Wo'?" he mumbled around a gooey mouthful of cereal. He swallowed. "Rarity's written consent to marriage?"
Twilight's grin fell into a blank stare.
Spike blinked. "To me. Not you."
"Oh. No." Twilight's grin recovered. She bounded up to Spike and shoved the envelope into his face. "It's a zoning permit!"
Spike pushed it away, raising an eyebrow. "Yippie. We getting a pool or something?"
"Even better!" Twilight's wings shook with excitement. "You know how the land where the library used to be has been a smoldering blast crater ever since Tirek came along?"
"I'd actually forgotten until you reminded me just now." Spike listlessly pushed his cereal away.
"Well, I figured, since nopony's using the land right now, I'd petition for the right to build a house on it. The zoning board just got back to me!"
Twilight pranced in place, giggling excitedly.
"Don't you still need a building permit?"
"One thing at a time."
"Why do you even need city approval to build a house?" Spike frowned. "Aren't you literal royalty now?"
"Checks and balances exist for a reason, Spike. You know that. Now..." She cleared her throat. "Drumroll, please."
Spike sighed, and began rapidly drumming his hands against the table.
Twilight tore open the envelope and shook out a thick stack of goldenrod papers. Her eyes scanned through them rapidly, shuffling from one to the next, her grin melting away with every second.
"Denied?!" Twilight dropped the papers onto the table with a gasp. "Who would – why would––"
Spike snatched them up and rifled through them quickly. "Apparently, there are some concerns about what Tirek's 'unholy cataclysm of arcane energy' may have done to the land. Worries about a possible sinkhole..." He shrugged. "Well, I could have told you that."
Twilight released a long-suffering groan and slammed her face into the table. Distress threw off her aim, however, and instead she struck the base of her horn against the table's edge. Pain shot through its length, lancing deep into her head.
"Ow! Ow! On top of everything else, ow!"
She heard Spike's feet pitter-patter away, then back. A moment later, she felt a cold, lumpy bag press against the spot she'd struck, and sighed as the pain ebbed.
"...Thank you."
"I was planning on cooking these peas tonight, anyway. Thank you for helping to thaw them." The bag crinkled as Spike adjusted his grip on it. "Why'd you want to build a house over our old one, anyway?"
Twilight sniffed and placed her hoof on the bag, alongside Spike's. "I had this dream a while back, where I woke up in my old bed, walked onto my old balcony, and watched the sunrise just like I used to, back when we first moved here. Then I woke up, and..."
"Reality disappointed you."
Twilight snorted. "Doesn't it always?"
"It's been known to." Spike hesitated. "Were you planning on moving out of the castle?"
"No, the castle's great. I'd always keep my permanent residence here. It just... would have been nice, is all. To have a place to go where I could get my old view back. Every once in a while. You know?"
"I think I do." Spike's hand left the bag of peas, found her shoulder, and squeezed gently. "Want me to write a frivolous letter of complaint to the Mayor?"
Twilight laughed, despite herself. "That'd be sweet."
She felt the air shift as Spike stepped away, and heard his feet pitter-patter again. Then he stopped. "You know, we don't have to have a house over that old plot of land just to watch the sunrise."
Twilight looked up at him quizzically.
"How about you and I wake up early tomorrow morning?" Spike continued. "Hike out to our old place, float up to where the balcony used to be, and watch the sun come up, for old time's sake?"
"You'd..." A smile, warm and somewhat teasing, spread across her face. "You'd be willing to wake up that early for me?"
"Don't say I never do nothin' for you." Spike smirked. "And don't spread it around. If people know I'm willing to wake up before dawn, it'll completely ruin my whole 'wake not the slumbering dragon' vibe."
Twilight laughed and pushed the paperwork away, adjusting the bag of peas on her head. "I wouldn't dream of it."
Spike looked up from his milk-sodden cornflakes. A giddy alicorn grinned at him, holding a thick, white envelope in a levitation field.
"Wo'?" he mumbled around a gooey mouthful of cereal. He swallowed. "Rarity's written consent to marriage?"
Twilight's grin fell into a blank stare.
Spike blinked. "To me. Not you."
"Oh. No." Twilight's grin recovered. She bounded up to Spike and shoved the envelope into his face. "It's a zoning permit!"
Spike pushed it away, raising an eyebrow. "Yippie. We getting a pool or something?"
"Even better!" Twilight's wings shook with excitement. "You know how the land where the library used to be has been a smoldering blast crater ever since Tirek came along?"
"I'd actually forgotten until you reminded me just now." Spike listlessly pushed his cereal away.
"Well, I figured, since nopony's using the land right now, I'd petition for the right to build a house on it. The zoning board just got back to me!"
Twilight pranced in place, giggling excitedly.
"Don't you still need a building permit?"
"One thing at a time."
"Why do you even need city approval to build a house?" Spike frowned. "Aren't you literal royalty now?"
"Checks and balances exist for a reason, Spike. You know that. Now..." She cleared her throat. "Drumroll, please."
Spike sighed, and began rapidly drumming his hands against the table.
Twilight tore open the envelope and shook out a thick stack of goldenrod papers. Her eyes scanned through them rapidly, shuffling from one to the next, her grin melting away with every second.
"Denied?!" Twilight dropped the papers onto the table with a gasp. "Who would – why would––"
Spike snatched them up and rifled through them quickly. "Apparently, there are some concerns about what Tirek's 'unholy cataclysm of arcane energy' may have done to the land. Worries about a possible sinkhole..." He shrugged. "Well, I could have told you that."
Twilight released a long-suffering groan and slammed her face into the table. Distress threw off her aim, however, and instead she struck the base of her horn against the table's edge. Pain shot through its length, lancing deep into her head.
"Ow! Ow! On top of everything else, ow!"
She heard Spike's feet pitter-patter away, then back. A moment later, she felt a cold, lumpy bag press against the spot she'd struck, and sighed as the pain ebbed.
"...Thank you."
"I was planning on cooking these peas tonight, anyway. Thank you for helping to thaw them." The bag crinkled as Spike adjusted his grip on it. "Why'd you want to build a house over our old one, anyway?"
Twilight sniffed and placed her hoof on the bag, alongside Spike's. "I had this dream a while back, where I woke up in my old bed, walked onto my old balcony, and watched the sunrise just like I used to, back when we first moved here. Then I woke up, and..."
"Reality disappointed you."
Twilight snorted. "Doesn't it always?"
"It's been known to." Spike hesitated. "Were you planning on moving out of the castle?"
"No, the castle's great. I'd always keep my permanent residence here. It just... would have been nice, is all. To have a place to go where I could get my old view back. Every once in a while. You know?"
"I think I do." Spike's hand left the bag of peas, found her shoulder, and squeezed gently. "Want me to write a frivolous letter of complaint to the Mayor?"
Twilight laughed, despite herself. "That'd be sweet."
She felt the air shift as Spike stepped away, and heard his feet pitter-patter again. Then he stopped. "You know, we don't have to have a house over that old plot of land just to watch the sunrise."
Twilight looked up at him quizzically.
"How about you and I wake up early tomorrow morning?" Spike continued. "Hike out to our old place, float up to where the balcony used to be, and watch the sun come up, for old time's sake?"
"You'd..." A smile, warm and somewhat teasing, spread across her face. "You'd be willing to wake up that early for me?"
"Don't say I never do nothin' for you." Spike smirked. "And don't spread it around. If people know I'm willing to wake up before dawn, it'll completely ruin my whole 'wake not the slumbering dragon' vibe."
Twilight laughed and pushed the paperwork away, adjusting the bag of peas on her head. "I wouldn't dream of it."
This title promises to be really funny, really dumb, or both.
Oh. Well, so much for first impressions. This turned out quite sweet. Should you expand, I recommend changing the title to something outside of the “Pony Verbs a Noun” formula; otherwise it might make people discount a touching tale before they ever gave it chance.
Oh. Well, so much for first impressions. This turned out quite sweet. Should you expand, I recommend changing the title to something outside of the “Pony Verbs a Noun” formula; otherwise it might make people discount a touching tale before they ever gave it chance.
Sweet and gentle, a nice little respite from all the darkfics and gonzo comedy takes we have this round. :)
Well, if was obvious from the start the permit would be denied, so the twist was totes expected. However, I must credit you for a grand Spike description here (though “milk-sodden” sounds strange at my ears).
Yeah, yeah, it’s sweet, but a bit on the gushy side for my taste.
The conclusion is illogical. Why in Equestria is Spike's presence required for Twilight to levitate precisely where her old balcony used to be? I don't understand that.
Anyway. I'd say about this what someone said about my former entry: “A cute middle-tier story”.
Yeah, yeah, it’s sweet, but a bit on the gushy side for my taste.
The conclusion is illogical. Why in Equestria is Spike's presence required for Twilight to levitate precisely where her old balcony used to be? I don't understand that.
Anyway. I'd say about this what someone said about my former entry: “A cute middle-tier story”.
A good and cute story, nothing extraordinary but nothing awful either.
Maybe except for those lines
That's just plain exposition that could easily be better by just changing one thing or two (IMHO).
Maybe except for those lines
"Even better!" Twilight's wings shook with excitement. "You know how the land where the library used to be has been a smoldering blast crater ever since Tirek came along?"
"I'd actually forgotten until you reminded me just now." Spike listlessly pushed his cereal away.
That's just plain exposition that could easily be better by just changing one thing or two (IMHO).
"Denied?!" Twilight dropped the papers onto the table with a gasp. "Who would – why would––"
Hah! How do you like your checks and balances now?
This was a cute bit of (probably hopefully) friendshipping. Man, Twilight and Spike are one of the few things this fandom can be really weird about. :/ Anyways, it had some clever jokes, and a bit of up-and-down, and it ended on a sweet note. On the whole, quite solid.
This was a cute entry. No major critique, short, simple self-contained sweet sappy story
Should I be offended that Not_A_Hat pretending to be me gets more upvotes than my comments?
Anyway. Not too much to say about this one; it's fluffy slice-of-life, without pretensions or aspirations of being anything more. Cute, done decently, but underwhelming in the face of some of the competition.
Actually, I'm pretty sure you can cook frozen peas without thawing them. Spike is a terrible homemaker and will make an even worse wife someday.
Anyway. Not too much to say about this one; it's fluffy slice-of-life, without pretensions or aspirations of being anything more. Cute, done decently, but underwhelming in the face of some of the competition.
Actually, I'm pretty sure you can cook frozen peas without thawing them. Spike is a terrible homemaker and will make an even worse wife someday.
This is probably the best slice of life entry I've read so far (I've only got about 10 stories left to go too.) It's sweet, voices both characters very well, is a witty interpretation of the prompt, has just enough of something "happening" to keep the story moving, the language is vivid without being cloying, and wraps up with a satisfying conclusion. Very, very solid, and a pleasant read.
But, it's a story that takes no real risks, and by playing it safe, doesn't get quite as close to the top for me as a few other stories that risked more. Still near the top though, so great job!
But, it's a story that takes no real risks, and by playing it safe, doesn't get quite as close to the top for me as a few other stories that risked more. Still near the top though, so great job!
>>Fenton
I disagree with your point on that quote: Spike's line there made me laugh out loud, precisely because it was lampooning poor exposition in dialogue. There's a hint of self-awareness to that moment, and I think Spike was the perfect character to pull it off with.
Just felt like I should throw my defense of that line into the ring. I've not got much else to add here, author—this was a delightful entry from start to finish.
I disagree with your point on that quote: Spike's line there made me laugh out loud, precisely because it was lampooning poor exposition in dialogue. There's a hint of self-awareness to that moment, and I think Spike was the perfect character to pull it off with.
Just felt like I should throw my defense of that line into the ring. I've not got much else to add here, author—this was a delightful entry from start to finish.
>>QuillScratch
It seems I wasn't really paying attention when I read those lines the first time, because now that I've reread the story, I don't know how I could have missed it.
So I take what I've said back, I also laughed during the second reading and that will weigh in its favor.
It seems I wasn't really paying attention when I read those lines the first time, because now that I've reread the story, I don't know how I could have missed it.
So I take what I've said back, I also laughed during the second reading and that will weigh in its favor.
Welp, call me a tree, 'cuz I'm full of sap right about now. I have a soft spot for the old Golden Oak Library (#savetree) and this tickled it just right. Spike comes off as extra sweet, but still within his juvenile range with his don't wake the sleeping dragon bit. Well played all around.
WAFF delivered. That said, I think the fic undermines itself a bit by presenting itself as something more comedic initially before really honing in on the feels. I think you'd benefit from trimming the first half of this fic quite a bit and getting to the meat a bit faster.
Beyond that, Spike doesn't quuuuuite feel right to me? I feel like he's a little too eloquent and a little too empathetic here, maybe, but I'm also not really sure of Spike voice right this very moment.
Beyond that, Spike doesn't quuuuuite feel right to me? I feel like he's a little too eloquent and a little too empathetic here, maybe, but I'm also not really sure of Spike voice right this very moment.
This existed.
I'm tempted to leave it at just those two words, but that's perhaps a disservice, so. Slice of life is not really my bag, I'll admit that up front. There are some examples of the genre I do like, though, and they tend to be centered around something: a tone, a mood, an idea, a theme, a central character or two to explore. This, I don't get anything from. I could read a hundred pages like this and feel nothing.
Would've loved to see some risk taken, or something built on here, a comedy setup or stronger character moment. As is, I'm with Xepher, it plays too safe to score points. (I'm not even sure that's intentional, either - kinda gives me the vibe that the author came up with the pun from the prompt, and then just grasped for some character filler to put around it. If so, fair enough - you still managed to get a complete mini out of it, and that can be a victory of its own.)
I'm tempted to leave it at just those two words, but that's perhaps a disservice, so. Slice of life is not really my bag, I'll admit that up front. There are some examples of the genre I do like, though, and they tend to be centered around something: a tone, a mood, an idea, a theme, a central character or two to explore. This, I don't get anything from. I could read a hundred pages like this and feel nothing.
Would've loved to see some risk taken, or something built on here, a comedy setup or stronger character moment. As is, I'm with Xepher, it plays too safe to score points. (I'm not even sure that's intentional, either - kinda gives me the vibe that the author came up with the pun from the prompt, and then just grasped for some character filler to put around it. If so, fair enough - you still managed to get a complete mini out of it, and that can be a victory of its own.)
Twilight Sparkle Seeks a Retrospective Permit
Thanks to everyone who read and commented. *glares pointedly at Syeekoh (and only Syeekoh)*
I didn't think this'd medal, after reading some of the competition, but I'm pleased to see how well it did. Especially since, as has been pointed out, it took a rather straightforward (some might say safe) approach to the prompt, rather than doing anything inspired or defying convention.
I tend to gravitate toward these little two-person character pieces whenever a minific rolls around. >>Ranmilia's assumption about the story's genesis was pretty much spot-on, in fact. I think I box myself in trying to come up with a plausible way to tell a complete story in a short span, and I just default to "two characters having a conversation about something." I don't think anyone noticed this, but Zoning Permit is basically the same exact story as Pinching Flurry, and I consider that a personal failure. Not that the story's a failure, but I failed to come up with something more original and interesting, and just defaulted to what I knew when I sat down to hammer out a piece for the competition.
And I would like to break away from convention and try something a little different next time.
For now, though, let's get to some comments:
>>Monokeras
It's the gesture that counts; he doesn't need to be there for her to do it. But she just exposed a little bit of vulnerability to him, and he wants to show support. This also dovetails with >>AndrewRogue's remark about Spike feeling a bit too empathetic; I think, where Twilight is concerned at least, Spike's capable of showing maturity and responsibility beyond his years. Empathy, too. I think he understands and empathizes with Twilight to a greater extent than the rest of her friends do, hence why he's usually the last person to stick by her when things get extra rough.
Tying in with whatNot-A-Hat Venom Posh said: It's definitely supposed to be friendshipping. Twilight and Spike have one of the most complex, multifaceted, and heartwarming relationships in the show, and I'd argue that it's a lot deeper than the friendship between she and any given member of the Mane Six, just because of how many roles they play with one another. I love that relationship, but I have no interest in seeing it develop beyond what it is on the screen: a deep, familial bond between two people who fill a number of roles in each other's lives.
Turning that romantic would be... Oedipal. And shotatastic.
...Since the general consensus seems to be that it's sweet, yet unremarkable, slice-of-life material, I'll probably post it as-is, with a few minor tweaks to the language.
Thanks to everyone who read and commented. *glares pointedly at Syeekoh (and only Syeekoh)*
I didn't think this'd medal, after reading some of the competition, but I'm pleased to see how well it did. Especially since, as has been pointed out, it took a rather straightforward (some might say safe) approach to the prompt, rather than doing anything inspired or defying convention.
I tend to gravitate toward these little two-person character pieces whenever a minific rolls around. >>Ranmilia's assumption about the story's genesis was pretty much spot-on, in fact. I think I box myself in trying to come up with a plausible way to tell a complete story in a short span, and I just default to "two characters having a conversation about something." I don't think anyone noticed this, but Zoning Permit is basically the same exact story as Pinching Flurry, and I consider that a personal failure. Not that the story's a failure, but I failed to come up with something more original and interesting, and just defaulted to what I knew when I sat down to hammer out a piece for the competition.
And I would like to break away from convention and try something a little different next time.
For now, though, let's get to some comments:
>>Monokeras
The conclusion is illogical. Why in Equestria is Spike's presence required for Twilight to levitate precisely where her old balcony used to be? I don't understand that.
It's the gesture that counts; he doesn't need to be there for her to do it. But she just exposed a little bit of vulnerability to him, and he wants to show support. This also dovetails with >>AndrewRogue's remark about Spike feeling a bit too empathetic; I think, where Twilight is concerned at least, Spike's capable of showing maturity and responsibility beyond his years. Empathy, too. I think he understands and empathizes with Twilight to a greater extent than the rest of her friends do, hence why he's usually the last person to stick by her when things get extra rough.
Tying in with what
Turning that romantic would be... Oedipal. And shotatastic.
...Since the general consensus seems to be that it's sweet, yet unremarkable, slice-of-life material, I'll probably post it as-is, with a few minor tweaks to the language.
