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Genre: The Twilight Zone, played completely straight
Thoughts: There are some technical (spelling/grammar/repetition) issues that border on distracting. Also, it seems like the author was reaching for either the [ quote ] or [ smcaps] tags at a couple points, and again, what came out on the page is a little hard to read at first. Also, the overall plot here is straightforward, and likely references an actual Twilight Zone plot (I can't confirm that, but I gotta figure someone has done this before).
However, with all that said, this was a pleasure to read. It's a short and quirky "weird tale" that weaves together campiness and creepiness in a way that's simple but ultimately satisfying.
This isn't the most ambitious or original story, but I'm pretty sure it's going more for style points than either of those. I would upvote it in a heartbeat.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: There are some technical (spelling/grammar/repetition) issues that border on distracting. Also, it seems like the author was reaching for either the [ quote ] or [ smcaps] tags at a couple points, and again, what came out on the page is a little hard to read at first. Also, the overall plot here is straightforward, and likely references an actual Twilight Zone plot (I can't confirm that, but I gotta figure someone has done this before).
However, with all that said, this was a pleasure to read. It's a short and quirky "weird tale" that weaves together campiness and creepiness in a way that's simple but ultimately satisfying.
This isn't the most ambitious or original story, but I'm pretty sure it's going more for style points than either of those. I would upvote it in a heartbeat.
Tier: Almost There
This is another one where I quite like the concept, but the execution needs a lot of work. Something is odd with the formatting, but also the story itself has a lot of awkward, blunt, telling where showing would probably work better. It is a very solid idea, though, so I think it could be polished up and improved quite a lot!
This is a ponification of a TZ episode (The Invaders), entirely legitimate for this round. There were a number of errors throughout that kept pulling me out of the story. There are run on sentences, tense issues, and redundant phrasings that should be tightened up.
I would like to see more of the inside of Octy’s head; it is odd to me that a pony in a magical land of friendship powers would beat two tiny aliens to death seemingly without a second thought, even bearing in mind that she’s scared. (In the original, the invaders attacked first.)
Tier: Needs work.
I would like to see more of the inside of Octy’s head; it is odd to me that a pony in a magical land of friendship powers would beat two tiny aliens to death seemingly without a second thought, even bearing in mind that she’s scared. (In the original, the invaders attacked first.)
Tier: Needs work.
There are a few odd formatting decisions here — I'm not sure what's up with the <text> at the beginning of some of the paragraphs. Its use at the beginning implies that it sets off external narration, but then near the end it's used to set off a quote as well.
But the major advice I want to offer here is to echo the others and suggest working on your prose fundamentals. Here's a specific writing tip that will make a huge difference: Watch out for repetitions! Editing this story can give you a great opportunity to practice it.
Here's a sample paragraph that really stuck out for me:
This repetition hurts you in two ways. First, it slows down the pace of the story and makes it more awkward to read. All the mentions of the attic draw a lot of attention to it, but it's not actually all that important (the story would basically go identically if they were out in her yard). Second, since the competition has a word limit, repeating that information prevents you from using those words for other purposes (description, characterization, more plot, etc).
There are very few hard and fast rules in storytelling, but avoiding repetitive description is a pretty reliable one. (There are times when you might want to deliberately repeat for effect, but you'll know them when you see them: when there's something you urgently want to call the reader's attention to.)
Anyway. Beyond that issue, basic grammar and typo-spotting would also help here. Individually, a lot of the errors are small — e.g. a few missing periods and commas; or in "an uptight yet strong willed female gray colored Earth Pony", strong-willed and gray-colored should be hyphenated to keep the adjectives together — but the cumulative effect is distracting.
I do have to say that I appreciate reading a Human in Equestria fic that subverts the trope so cleverly. I'm not seeing a lot of creativity in the adaptation of the Twilight Zone episode, and I agree with >>GroaningGreyAgony that it would be good to see Octavia's thought processes more (since the show's ponies are normally much more peaceful), but this was definitely a good choice of episodes to draw an ironic contrast with the show.
I've spent a lot of time pointing out the story's problems, but the good news is that the basic errors are also the easiest to iron out, and it'll be easy to edit this to get a big uptick of quality. Thank you for joining us!
Tier: Needs Work
But the major advice I want to offer here is to echo the others and suggest working on your prose fundamentals. Here's a specific writing tip that will make a huge difference: Watch out for repetitions! Editing this story can give you a great opportunity to practice it.
Here's a sample paragraph that really stuck out for me:
After reaching the middle of the hallway, she looked up to see the door that led to the attic. Then she grabbed the string that held the door to the attic with her teeth and pulled the door open with a small brown step ladder that leads into the attic, Octavia walked towards the ladder and began to climb it.
When she reached the top of the ladder, she stepped inside the attic and scanned the room …
This repetition hurts you in two ways. First, it slows down the pace of the story and makes it more awkward to read. All the mentions of the attic draw a lot of attention to it, but it's not actually all that important (the story would basically go identically if they were out in her yard). Second, since the competition has a word limit, repeating that information prevents you from using those words for other purposes (description, characterization, more plot, etc).
There are very few hard and fast rules in storytelling, but avoiding repetitive description is a pretty reliable one. (There are times when you might want to deliberately repeat for effect, but you'll know them when you see them: when there's something you urgently want to call the reader's attention to.)
Anyway. Beyond that issue, basic grammar and typo-spotting would also help here. Individually, a lot of the errors are small — e.g. a few missing periods and commas; or in "an uptight yet strong willed female gray colored Earth Pony", strong-willed and gray-colored should be hyphenated to keep the adjectives together — but the cumulative effect is distracting.
I do have to say that I appreciate reading a Human in Equestria fic that subverts the trope so cleverly. I'm not seeing a lot of creativity in the adaptation of the Twilight Zone episode, and I agree with >>GroaningGreyAgony that it would be good to see Octavia's thought processes more (since the show's ponies are normally much more peaceful), but this was definitely a good choice of episodes to draw an ironic contrast with the show.
I've spent a lot of time pointing out the story's problems, but the good news is that the basic errors are also the easiest to iron out, and it'll be easy to edit this to get a big uptick of quality. Thank you for joining us!
Tier: Needs Work
The writing here is... more than a little rough. I found some of it humorous, but it was mostly kinda a chore to read, especially a two or three paragraph chunk which had the word 'attic' in it about five times, for no discernible reason. >.<
Other than that, why does Octavia suddenly decide to kill these humans? That really seemed to come in out of the blue. Does she mistake them for something else?
I haven't seen the Twilight Zone episode this is based on, so I can't comment on that.
Oh, and instead of <text> tags, try using the bbcode quote tags. I think they works in stories.
Other than that, why does Octavia suddenly decide to kill these humans? That really seemed to come in out of the blue. Does she mistake them for something else?
I haven't seen the Twilight Zone episode this is based on, so I can't comment on that.
Oh, and instead of <text> tags, try using the bbcode quote tags. I think they works in stories.
I can appreciate this story's effort at retreading and parodying an episode of Twilight Zone, but the prose is really elementary. And the formatting problems that this apparently encountered when it was transferred over to the Writeoff text box aren't helping matters any.
>>Not_A_Hat
She's probably terrified about being sucked into the Human in Equestria genre. I mean, in her position, can any of us say we'd act differently?
*is fully cognizant of his own hypocrisy*
>>Not_A_Hat
Other than that, why does Octavia suddenly decide to kill these humans? That really seemed to come in out of the blue. Does she mistake them for something else?
She's probably terrified about being sucked into the Human in Equestria genre. I mean, in her position, can any of us say we'd act differently?
*is fully cognizant of his own hypocrisy*
>>horizon and >>GroaningGreyAgony have said almost everything that was on my mind.
My advice on writing would be: Read the story out loud. It's an incredibly powerful way to gauge its flow. It makes unnecessary repetition and awkward wording really stand out. I think it should be the number one tool when you're editing your story - after number zero, the spell checker.
What I think could have elevated this story considerably is if you went for a humorous take. As others have said, we really needed to see what was happening inside Octavia's head. Does she think they're some sort of pest? Are these invasions maybe a regular thing? Maybe they're like annoying tourists, trying to peep on giant ponies, and ponies have in turn taken to just swatting them down like flies?
A pony trampling tiny space invaders seems like an inherently funny concept to me, and I'd have loved to laugh with it.
My advice on writing would be: Read the story out loud. It's an incredibly powerful way to gauge its flow. It makes unnecessary repetition and awkward wording really stand out. I think it should be the number one tool when you're editing your story - after number zero, the spell checker.
What I think could have elevated this story considerably is if you went for a humorous take. As others have said, we really needed to see what was happening inside Octavia's head. Does she think they're some sort of pest? Are these invasions maybe a regular thing? Maybe they're like annoying tourists, trying to peep on giant ponies, and ponies have in turn taken to just swatting them down like flies?
A pony trampling tiny space invaders seems like an inherently funny concept to me, and I'd have loved to laugh with it.
Ported straight from a Twilight Zone episode, and rather flatly at that. As has been noted, the text is lifeless, going into excessive detail about some actions and getting terribly telly with others. We don’t need to know the details of every step Octavia takes, and transposing the role of a rural housewife onto a professional cellist flat-out doesn’t work. Adaptations are fine, but think about how changing the setting and characters will change the story.
In all, this will need a complete overhaul to live up to its potential.
In all, this will need a complete overhaul to live up to its potential.
Clever choice of episode to adapt, as we typically see ponies as "little" so if that were reversed, it's amusing. Beyond that however, this one falls rather flat. Horizon and others have hit all the technical details, so I won't rehash that. I will just say keep trying, as it's clear you had something good in your head here, but it needs more work to make it fully into our heads as well.