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I like the premise, and I like most of this, especially the parts of Chris's dialogue (his insults) that emphasise what Nest is without sounding like exposition. I feel the conflict is resolved far too quickly and cleanly, though. So even though Nest may have been struggling with this issue for a while, I as a reader don't see much of it, and then it's over.
Still, I see that you were up against the word limit, and as I said, I like this aside from the easy resolution. In conclusion: as a story, I wish it was longer so the complete resolution felt earned. As a minific, I wish that either Chris hadn't given in so easily, or that Nest had dithered more internally/failed to speak up at all, prolonging the struggle.
Still, I see that you were up against the word limit, and as I said, I like this aside from the easy resolution. In conclusion: as a story, I wish it was longer so the complete resolution felt earned. As a minific, I wish that either Chris hadn't given in so easily, or that Nest had dithered more internally/failed to speak up at all, prolonging the struggle.
This story does a pretty good job introducing two interesting characters and a conflict without infodumping. I care about the people in this story. Props -v-b
That said, I do agree with Astra in that the conflict feels resolved too quickly. Chris seems to be surprised at Nest's feelings, and it's been five years that they've been trying to escape the world. That Chris accepts it in five minutes is not quite believable, but I understand the need to resolve the minific. Perhaps Chris storms off instead? Or he leaves to give Nest some time to reconsider? Or perhaps Chris has noticed Nest's resistance to leave for a while now. I dunno, just some ideas so the turn doesn't feel quite as extreme.
Also, I'm curious if Mikail is a player like Nest or an NPC. Cuz if Nest is about to marry an NPC... that must be some good AI programming lol
That said, I do agree with Astra in that the conflict feels resolved too quickly. Chris seems to be surprised at Nest's feelings, and it's been five years that they've been trying to escape the world. That Chris accepts it in five minutes is not quite believable, but I understand the need to resolve the minific. Perhaps Chris storms off instead? Or he leaves to give Nest some time to reconsider? Or perhaps Chris has noticed Nest's resistance to leave for a while now. I dunno, just some ideas so the turn doesn't feel quite as extreme.
Also, I'm curious if Mikail is a player like Nest or an NPC. Cuz if Nest is about to marry an NPC... that must be some good AI programming lol
This is fairly cute, and the conflict is aptly exploited. There are two minor gripes though:
1. The guy transformed into a siren having sex with another guy opens a lot of unsolved questions: does his (her) former psychology been altered so that he’s attracted to men now? Was he gay in the first place? Etc. While I’m convinced such questions can only be skimmed over in a minific format, I would’ve liked it to be dredged a bit more.
2. I agree that the conclusion is somewhat rushed, the other guy surrenders a bit too quickly. But I suppose you banged against the deadline, so I won’t hold a big grudge against you.
In all, near the top of my slate.
1. The guy transformed into a siren having sex with another guy opens a lot of unsolved questions: does his (her) former psychology been altered so that he’s attracted to men now? Was he gay in the first place? Etc. While I’m convinced such questions can only be skimmed over in a minific format, I would’ve liked it to be dredged a bit more.
2. I agree that the conclusion is somewhat rushed, the other guy surrenders a bit too quickly. But I suppose you banged against the deadline, so I won’t hold a big grudge against you.
In all, near the top of my slate.
The story to me sounds more like an allegory for coming out as a transgender, which while well-conceived in theory, falters slightly on the execution. Don't misunderstand me, though, I think this is a fine story, and would place it in fairly high if it were on my slate. There are just a few things I have some scruples with, which mainly comes down to how each character interacts within the context of the story.
To me, it is not so much that the conflict is too hastily resolved, as >>Astrarian, >>FrontSevens, and >>Monokeras have stated, but that the conflict between the two characters is made to be a bit more grandiose and mean-spirited than it actually should be. It's a case of the real-life parallel leaking in a bit too much into the dialogue, I think. Ultimately for the story to function, I have to believe that Nest and Chris are good enough friends to be able to resolve this drastic identity reveal quickly, but I am never given the real feeling that Nest and Chris are good friends at all. Nest doesn't seem to trust Chris in the slightest and threatens to end the friendship over some unintentionally hurtful ribbing. At some points Chris really crosses the threshold of what I think was intended to be ribbing into straight-out insults with lines like "That's just the body talking" which in context also doesn't seem to make sense to me, because it's never implied that the game messes with your cognition.
I'm not really lead to believe on the whole Chris is really a prejudiced person or outright objects to the idea of Nest enjoying herself in the game, he just is shocked and upset that Nest has given up on leaving, which to some extent, rightfully so. He seems to want to leave despite being a fit-ass, handsome barbarian. The problem with how this is executed is that Nest doesn't just say she prefers this to real life. It makes it seem that she is coming more from a perspective of resignation than enthusiasm. By extension, she is trying to get Chris to also give up, and that is what prompts his ribbing. The ribbing goes too far, into areas that I think outside of the reach of the conversation. Like the point of contention for Chris should be that Nest wants to stay, not the fact that she has fish tits or whatever to the point where that subject eclipses the actual issue, unless he is actually intended to be a prejudiced character with poor intentions. In which case, the conclusion cannot feasibly work.
The reason why I disagree with everyone else that the conclusion is rushed is because I feel that this issue as presented is something that can be resolved with some simple communication if the two characters know each other well enough. The relationship these two characters have as written, however, makes it seem like neither one likes or respects the other. Particularly Nest, who always assumes Chris has bad intentions and fails to tell him several years worth of important details on the basis that she thinks he'll react badly—which in this case, he really doesn't, all things considered. If that's the story you want to tell, it would need to be a longer piece and give more time for development to flesh out those idiosyncrasies that can keep a friendship like that afloat. To be honest, Chris comes across as the more loyal and trusting friend despite his flaws, because at least he is shown doing Nest what he thinks is a favor by reciting the meeting's information back to her.
So I suppose what I'm saying is that the story's conclusion isn't really rushed, it's more like that the two character's relationship doesn't lead me to that conclusion.
To me, it is not so much that the conflict is too hastily resolved, as >>Astrarian, >>FrontSevens, and >>Monokeras have stated, but that the conflict between the two characters is made to be a bit more grandiose and mean-spirited than it actually should be. It's a case of the real-life parallel leaking in a bit too much into the dialogue, I think. Ultimately for the story to function, I have to believe that Nest and Chris are good enough friends to be able to resolve this drastic identity reveal quickly, but I am never given the real feeling that Nest and Chris are good friends at all. Nest doesn't seem to trust Chris in the slightest and threatens to end the friendship over some unintentionally hurtful ribbing. At some points Chris really crosses the threshold of what I think was intended to be ribbing into straight-out insults with lines like "That's just the body talking" which in context also doesn't seem to make sense to me, because it's never implied that the game messes with your cognition.
I'm not really lead to believe on the whole Chris is really a prejudiced person or outright objects to the idea of Nest enjoying herself in the game, he just is shocked and upset that Nest has given up on leaving, which to some extent, rightfully so. He seems to want to leave despite being a fit-ass, handsome barbarian. The problem with how this is executed is that Nest doesn't just say she prefers this to real life. It makes it seem that she is coming more from a perspective of resignation than enthusiasm. By extension, she is trying to get Chris to also give up, and that is what prompts his ribbing. The ribbing goes too far, into areas that I think outside of the reach of the conversation. Like the point of contention for Chris should be that Nest wants to stay, not the fact that she has fish tits or whatever to the point where that subject eclipses the actual issue, unless he is actually intended to be a prejudiced character with poor intentions. In which case, the conclusion cannot feasibly work.
The reason why I disagree with everyone else that the conclusion is rushed is because I feel that this issue as presented is something that can be resolved with some simple communication if the two characters know each other well enough. The relationship these two characters have as written, however, makes it seem like neither one likes or respects the other. Particularly Nest, who always assumes Chris has bad intentions and fails to tell him several years worth of important details on the basis that she thinks he'll react badly—which in this case, he really doesn't, all things considered. If that's the story you want to tell, it would need to be a longer piece and give more time for development to flesh out those idiosyncrasies that can keep a friendship like that afloat. To be honest, Chris comes across as the more loyal and trusting friend despite his flaws, because at least he is shown doing Nest what he thinks is a favor by reciting the meeting's information back to her.
So I suppose what I'm saying is that the story's conclusion isn't really rushed, it's more like that the two character's relationship doesn't lead me to that conclusion.
I like this story. It does feel as if it should be part of a longer piece, but this is common in minific rounds. I have no gripes to add.
Nice story that ran up against the deadline (or word count, maybe?) and fell short at the end.
The conflicts and characterizations are well done, and the narrative flows well, until we reach the conclusion and Chris just kind of gives in. It's a huge change from his earlier attitude, and while I was able to infer a fair bit about their previous friendship, it just didn't seem to fit that he would do that so quickly after being so harsh just a moment before. It's not hard to guess that you ran up against the wall in terms of time, words, or both, and had to slap the conclusion in there.
And, of course, props for taking a potentially sensitive subject and not hamfisting it. I think Nest gets her point across pretty well. She doesn't see this as giving up or giving in to anything, it's just what she's genuinely found to like best for herself.
On the other hand, while it seems like Nest is intended to be the protagonist, I think the story actually winds up being more about Chris. He's the one who undergoes a change throughout the story, he's a jerk at first, but turns it around in the end. And, honestly, while he is being a jerk, some of the points he brings up are not without merit. It could be argued that this creates some unfortunate implications when comparing to IRL transgender situations, but I wasn't very bothered - we are clearly in a weird fantasy scenario, and Chris loses the argument and does the right thing in the end anyway.
The conflicts and characterizations are well done, and the narrative flows well, until we reach the conclusion and Chris just kind of gives in. It's a huge change from his earlier attitude, and while I was able to infer a fair bit about their previous friendship, it just didn't seem to fit that he would do that so quickly after being so harsh just a moment before. It's not hard to guess that you ran up against the wall in terms of time, words, or both, and had to slap the conclusion in there.
And, of course, props for taking a potentially sensitive subject and not hamfisting it. I think Nest gets her point across pretty well. She doesn't see this as giving up or giving in to anything, it's just what she's genuinely found to like best for herself.
On the other hand, while it seems like Nest is intended to be the protagonist, I think the story actually winds up being more about Chris. He's the one who undergoes a change throughout the story, he's a jerk at first, but turns it around in the end. And, honestly, while he is being a jerk, some of the points he brings up are not without merit. It could be argued that this creates some unfortunate implications when comparing to IRL transgender situations, but I wasn't very bothered - we are clearly in a weird fantasy scenario, and Chris loses the argument and does the right thing in the end anyway.
Post by
Shadowed_Song
, deleted
Heeding the Siren’s Call — A — Pretty good in a stark and realistic RPG way. Descriptive without ‘as you know’ clauses all over the place. Word limit pushes the acceptance (which is the point of the story) a little close to the reveal, but adjusting for this means it scores third on my slate. Seriously, I see a lot of reviews here on the ultra-short stories moaning and groaning about the lack of details and the compressed plot lines, much as if we are going to write Moby Dick in a tweet.
Cap. Ahab (@CapAhab) - 2 days
@Ishmal Summon the crew. We have a target. #KillMoby
First Mate Ishamal (@Ishamal) - 2 days
@CapAhab We may have some problems. Call me.
Cap. Ahab (@CapAhab) - 1 day
@Ishmal I stuck a dollar to the mainmast. That should cover the bonus money. #KillMoby
First Mate Ishamal (@Ishamal) - 1 day
@CapAhab Problem with #KillMoby No whale oil means no $$. Call me.
Meduliakuah Queequeg (@Queequeg) - 12 hours
#KillMoby Feeling sick. Going to go lie down.
Cap. Ahab (@CapAhab) - 8 hours
#KillMoby Thar she blows. Man the boats!
— Account @CapAhab has been discontinued due to the death of the owner.
Cap. Ahab (@CapAhab) - 2 days
@Ishmal Summon the crew. We have a target. #KillMoby
First Mate Ishamal (@Ishamal) - 2 days
@CapAhab We may have some problems. Call me.
Cap. Ahab (@CapAhab) - 1 day
@Ishmal I stuck a dollar to the mainmast. That should cover the bonus money. #KillMoby
First Mate Ishamal (@Ishamal) - 1 day
@CapAhab Problem with #KillMoby No whale oil means no $$. Call me.
Meduliakuah Queequeg (@Queequeg) - 12 hours
#KillMoby Feeling sick. Going to go lie down.
Cap. Ahab (@CapAhab) - 8 hours
#KillMoby Thar she blows. Man the boats!
— Account @CapAhab has been discontinued due to the death of the owner.
First, congrats to our winners!
Now then, retrospective!
I overreached this round. That's kind of the core of it. I just literally ran out of room to reach the ending I wanted (which was intended as a bit more of an ambiguous "This friendship might be done, it might not, hard to tell" note) because I simply had too much to say. Introducing a setting concept, a scenario, a conflict, and two characters is just a lot to mash out in 750 words.
That said, for all that I faceplanted on the ending (again), I'm actually super proud of this piece at a technical level. I think this is the most efficient I have ever been with information delivery. Genre is pretty tough in minific due to the necessary balance of setting, situation, and character, but I feel I (more or less) rose to the occasion and got a goddamn lot done in very limited space.
Also I managed to make the phrase "fish tits" important scene setting and world building, which gives me warm fuzzies.
That said, there are three-ish big botches.
1. I actually don't offer Nest enough strong characterization - Chris makes out better in that regard. This, in turn, removes a bit from Nest as the viewpoint character.
2. I failed the ending - again.
3. I confused the nature of trapped in another world a little - I suspect it rests entirely on the jewelcrafting line.
Still. Even with those errors, I'm happy and will be doing some stuff with this setting in the future.
Now onto the lovely people who commented.
>>Astrarian
Yeah. I think I mostly misjudge my voice a little bit in these ambiguous scenarios and I played my hand a little too hard. The idea I was angling for was more along the lines of Chris grudgingly backing down at least a little in the face of his underestimation of where Nest is in life, but perhaps not full acceptance.
I probably should have just kept the slightly darker tone of a rejection of Nest at this juncture for purposes of the mini since that would fit the arc allotted in the space better.
>>FrontSevens
You were the first comment where I considered I screwed up with that line skill line. :p
For all that it is irrelevant, I will clarify. The idea of the fantasy world is that (possibly) it is similar to one portrayed in a game or something back on earth, but, functionally, it is a real place they got transplanted to. Another full world (though, perhaps, operating under some odd, gamified rules). The skill comment was just a way gamers kinda broke down the echos of knowledge that remained with the bodies they got dumped into (mostly abilities, like how to use magic, trade skills, combat, etc).
Definitely a bit misleading, though.
>>Monokeras
Question one opens a whole can of worms in and of itself regarding the nature of sexuality (and my views thereof), doesn't it? :p The short answer is, form my perspective (and I feel the implied statements of the story), he was what I would define as mostly straight pre-shift. How much of an effect the shift had on him is its own set of questions, though.
I suspect we'll see more in the longer version, though.
>>Cassius
I wouldn't really call it allegory, but I wouldn't call anything I do allegory. The story does indeed have some parallels in LGBTQ issues (and I was quite aware of that), but it isn't fully intended to be paralleled directly, so much as just have similar emotional resonance.
In fact, if you parallel directly, you get a little weirdness.
Beyond that, I think you deserve a bit longer of a response than I'm prepared to give right now.
The long and short of it is that this is sort of implied to be the culmination of a long period of tension and slow falling out between the two of them, and sort of approaching a last straw for how both of them adapted to the incident and whether they can survive it as friends. That said, you're right and perhaps more of this needs to be in the forefront (or at least better explored) than I was able to sell it.
I'll try and come back to your comment a little bit later, because it is a damn good one.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thankies.
>>AndrewRogue
Special thanks to my beta reader buddy for ghost writing this comment for me, because I couldn't think of what I wanted to fake say.
>>Shadowed_Song
Yep.
>>georg
Eh, I don't think minific is a good excuse. The fact is that if the conclusion is too rushed, I picked too big an idea for the format, and that is a failure on the part of me as an author. You can do a lot with 750 words! The problem is that you are limited and you need to account for that when picking an idea.
Now then, retrospective!
I overreached this round. That's kind of the core of it. I just literally ran out of room to reach the ending I wanted (which was intended as a bit more of an ambiguous "This friendship might be done, it might not, hard to tell" note) because I simply had too much to say. Introducing a setting concept, a scenario, a conflict, and two characters is just a lot to mash out in 750 words.
That said, for all that I faceplanted on the ending (again), I'm actually super proud of this piece at a technical level. I think this is the most efficient I have ever been with information delivery. Genre is pretty tough in minific due to the necessary balance of setting, situation, and character, but I feel I (more or less) rose to the occasion and got a goddamn lot done in very limited space.
Also I managed to make the phrase "fish tits" important scene setting and world building, which gives me warm fuzzies.
That said, there are three-ish big botches.
1. I actually don't offer Nest enough strong characterization - Chris makes out better in that regard. This, in turn, removes a bit from Nest as the viewpoint character.
2. I failed the ending - again.
3. I confused the nature of trapped in another world a little - I suspect it rests entirely on the jewelcrafting line.
Still. Even with those errors, I'm happy and will be doing some stuff with this setting in the future.
Now onto the lovely people who commented.
>>Astrarian
Yeah. I think I mostly misjudge my voice a little bit in these ambiguous scenarios and I played my hand a little too hard. The idea I was angling for was more along the lines of Chris grudgingly backing down at least a little in the face of his underestimation of where Nest is in life, but perhaps not full acceptance.
I probably should have just kept the slightly darker tone of a rejection of Nest at this juncture for purposes of the mini since that would fit the arc allotted in the space better.
>>FrontSevens
You were the first comment where I considered I screwed up with that line skill line. :p
For all that it is irrelevant, I will clarify. The idea of the fantasy world is that (possibly) it is similar to one portrayed in a game or something back on earth, but, functionally, it is a real place they got transplanted to. Another full world (though, perhaps, operating under some odd, gamified rules). The skill comment was just a way gamers kinda broke down the echos of knowledge that remained with the bodies they got dumped into (mostly abilities, like how to use magic, trade skills, combat, etc).
Definitely a bit misleading, though.
>>Monokeras
Question one opens a whole can of worms in and of itself regarding the nature of sexuality (and my views thereof), doesn't it? :p The short answer is, form my perspective (and I feel the implied statements of the story), he was what I would define as mostly straight pre-shift. How much of an effect the shift had on him is its own set of questions, though.
I suspect we'll see more in the longer version, though.
>>Cassius
I wouldn't really call it allegory, but I wouldn't call anything I do allegory. The story does indeed have some parallels in LGBTQ issues (and I was quite aware of that), but it isn't fully intended to be paralleled directly, so much as just have similar emotional resonance.
In fact, if you parallel directly, you get a little weirdness.
Beyond that, I think you deserve a bit longer of a response than I'm prepared to give right now.
The long and short of it is that this is sort of implied to be the culmination of a long period of tension and slow falling out between the two of them, and sort of approaching a last straw for how both of them adapted to the incident and whether they can survive it as friends. That said, you're right and perhaps more of this needs to be in the forefront (or at least better explored) than I was able to sell it.
I'll try and come back to your comment a little bit later, because it is a damn good one.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thankies.
>>AndrewRogue
Special thanks to my beta reader buddy for ghost writing this comment for me, because I couldn't think of what I wanted to fake say.
>>Shadowed_Song
Yep.
>>georg
Eh, I don't think minific is a good excuse. The fact is that if the conclusion is too rushed, I picked too big an idea for the format, and that is a failure on the part of me as an author. You can do a lot with 750 words! The problem is that you are limited and you need to account for that when picking an idea.