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The Masquerade
She wore a flower in her hair:
A rose, at home in auburn flare.
In scarlet dress with silver flair
And vulpine, sequined mask, the heir
Of Venus danced, still unaware
That I, the hawk, had stared and stared
From window perch with tempered care.
I wondered who and how – from where
Had vixen joined the dancing fair,
With me so wholly unaware
That such a masquerade could bear
That stellar figure twirling there
In moonlit, lanterned plaza square?
By God, I'd pay old Charon's fare
Before I saw again such hair.
Was she, perhaps, akin, aware
That starlit, rose-bound, auburn hair
Began to dance as she? Ensnared
In flowing curls, alive, prepared
To dance the world away.
The air fell silent, still; and ere
I scarce believed – could bear –
That girl stared back at me, I swear…
That girl with rose in auburn hair.
She stared right back at me, aware
Of silent spellbound stare. I spared
Myself a moment's pause and dared
The path my mind had chosen. Rare
It was, I watched us dance and share
In thoughtful reverie of where
Our souls entwined. I saw us there,
The hawk and vixen one – a pair
In festive, moonlight-shimm'ring flair
That fate bestowed on plaza square.
My two left feet could not compare,
Yet laughter found us unaware
Of glance and frown that sought to share
Displeasure in our gay affair.
I wed that girl with auburn hair.
I wed that vixen, goddess, heir,
Yet unaware that I had married
Dust.
So still I watch. I watch. I stare.
At memory that dances there.
At reverie in plaza square
That twirls forever, unaware
That I, the hawk, eternal, bear
Aloft, alone, her auburn hair –
Her stellar, snaring, auburn hair
Whose rose had wilted in despair,
Some scarlet-spotted silk affair
That green-eyed Pluto made her wear.
Yet still I'd ask he deign to spare
Me one day there – just one day there –
Down amidst the dancing fair,
And be as one still unaware
Of what that miser had to share.
Of what that bastard thought was fair.
Yes. We'd be as one, still unaware;
In jubilation we would share
And know Olympus deemed it fair
We dance the world away.
I’d gladly pay old Charon’s fare
To see again her auburn hair –
With rose in bloom and vulpine stare –
And dance the world away.
A rose, at home in auburn flare.
In scarlet dress with silver flair
And vulpine, sequined mask, the heir
Of Venus danced, still unaware
That I, the hawk, had stared and stared
From window perch with tempered care.
I wondered who and how – from where
Had vixen joined the dancing fair,
With me so wholly unaware
That such a masquerade could bear
That stellar figure twirling there
In moonlit, lanterned plaza square?
By God, I'd pay old Charon's fare
Before I saw again such hair.
Was she, perhaps, akin, aware
That starlit, rose-bound, auburn hair
Began to dance as she? Ensnared
In flowing curls, alive, prepared
To dance the world away.
The air fell silent, still; and ere
I scarce believed – could bear –
That girl stared back at me, I swear…
That girl with rose in auburn hair.
She stared right back at me, aware
Of silent spellbound stare. I spared
Myself a moment's pause and dared
The path my mind had chosen. Rare
It was, I watched us dance and share
In thoughtful reverie of where
Our souls entwined. I saw us there,
The hawk and vixen one – a pair
In festive, moonlight-shimm'ring flair
That fate bestowed on plaza square.
My two left feet could not compare,
Yet laughter found us unaware
Of glance and frown that sought to share
Displeasure in our gay affair.
I wed that girl with auburn hair.
I wed that vixen, goddess, heir,
Yet unaware that I had married
Dust.
So still I watch. I watch. I stare.
At memory that dances there.
At reverie in plaza square
That twirls forever, unaware
That I, the hawk, eternal, bear
Aloft, alone, her auburn hair –
Her stellar, snaring, auburn hair
Whose rose had wilted in despair,
Some scarlet-spotted silk affair
That green-eyed Pluto made her wear.
Yet still I'd ask he deign to spare
Me one day there – just one day there –
Down amidst the dancing fair,
And be as one still unaware
Of what that miser had to share.
Of what that bastard thought was fair.
Yes. We'd be as one, still unaware;
In jubilation we would share
And know Olympus deemed it fair
We dance the world away.
I’d gladly pay old Charon’s fare
To see again her auburn hair –
With rose in bloom and vulpine stare –
And dance the world away.
first one I clicked on. this was lovely.
Maybe someone can help me figure out this line. At first I took it literally, as a funeral dress or something, but it makes more sense as a metaphor for symptoms of a disease - red spots on her skin.
Some scarlet-spotted silk affair
Maybe someone can help me figure out this line. At first I took it literally, as a funeral dress or something, but it makes more sense as a metaphor for symptoms of a disease - red spots on her skin.
Okay. So. I haven't dealt with actual poetry in ages, so forgive me if I'm wrong about anything technical here.
The scan is really solid, though a few fractured lines really disrupt it. For example
Lines 21-22
The punctuation that forces this thought into the desired shape is super disruptive to the reading. I stumble massively over this pair of lines as the punctuation really fights the pace the rhythm of the poem and messes with the scansion. There are a couple of similar spots that could use a bit of smoothing out.
Similarly, I'm not quite sure why this breaks from the rhyming couplets where it does. There isn't a real logic to it that I can detect, so it ends up ultimately ends up detracting from an otherwise nicely shaped poem. You don't have to be rid of them entirely, of course, but fitting them into a more regular scheme (e.g. line 20, 40, 60 breaking) would probably be cleaner.
The big turn in this poem (41-42) similarly falls flat, because it just thuds in as a non-matching, non-scanned couplet. I realize the desire might be to create something different to emphasize the change was probably the motivation here, but this just slaps across the brain like raw meat with the 9/1 weird scan non-rhyme couplet.
Anyhow, that said, it's fun and props for doing heavily formed poetry. While I am levelling a lot of complaints here, you do actually do super well with the form, which unfortunately just makes all the points stand out all the more.
Material wise... it's nice. It isn't particularly groundbreaking, but I certainly can't complain about the subject matter. It's a nicely rendered concept.
I'm a little curious: is Charon the correct Roman name? It seems to be, but it does jump out at me.
The scan is really solid, though a few fractured lines really disrupt it. For example
Lines 21-22
The air fell silent, still; and ere
I scarce believed – could bear –
The punctuation that forces this thought into the desired shape is super disruptive to the reading. I stumble massively over this pair of lines as the punctuation really fights the pace the rhythm of the poem and messes with the scansion. There are a couple of similar spots that could use a bit of smoothing out.
Similarly, I'm not quite sure why this breaks from the rhyming couplets where it does. There isn't a real logic to it that I can detect, so it ends up ultimately ends up detracting from an otherwise nicely shaped poem. You don't have to be rid of them entirely, of course, but fitting them into a more regular scheme (e.g. line 20, 40, 60 breaking) would probably be cleaner.
The big turn in this poem (41-42) similarly falls flat, because it just thuds in as a non-matching, non-scanned couplet. I realize the desire might be to create something different to emphasize the change was probably the motivation here, but this just slaps across the brain like raw meat with the 9/1 weird scan non-rhyme couplet.
Anyhow, that said, it's fun and props for doing heavily formed poetry. While I am levelling a lot of complaints here, you do actually do super well with the form, which unfortunately just makes all the points stand out all the more.
Material wise... it's nice. It isn't particularly groundbreaking, but I certainly can't complain about the subject matter. It's a nicely rendered concept.
I'm a little curious: is Charon the correct Roman name? It seems to be, but it does jump out at me.
>>Haze
Both interps are functional, I think. You could also argue it's a third take of the narrator's own view of death, seeing it as a garb worn over here that doesn't diminish the memory of the woman who once was.
Both interps are functional, I think. You could also argue it's a third take of the narrator's own view of death, seeing it as a garb worn over here that doesn't diminish the memory of the woman who once was.
Not even going to try to say anything intelligent about this one.
...Actually, I will, if only to countersignal AndrewRogue.
Perfectly regular meter is overrated and nerdy. The unrhymed couplets are entirely appropriate for the purposes you've put them to. "We dance the world away" gives a feeling of finality that breaks each section of the story (twice at the end, for more finality). "ay" is also a cleaner sound to end on than "air" is: "air" just sounds incomplete. The "disruptive" line 22 that contains a pause immediately precedes the girl looking back at the narrator, so the pause gives the effect of a "my heart skipped a beat" kind of feeling which meshes very nicely with the content.
Much better than I was expecting—I never expect much from poems. A pleasant surprise.
...Actually, I will, if only to countersignal AndrewRogue.
Perfectly regular meter is overrated and nerdy. The unrhymed couplets are entirely appropriate for the purposes you've put them to. "We dance the world away" gives a feeling of finality that breaks each section of the story (twice at the end, for more finality). "ay" is also a cleaner sound to end on than "air" is: "air" just sounds incomplete. The "disruptive" line 22 that contains a pause immediately precedes the girl looking back at the narrator, so the pause gives the effect of a "my heart skipped a beat" kind of feeling which meshes very nicely with the content.
Much better than I was expecting—I never expect much from poems. A pleasant surprise.
I feel like this suffered for being so fractured; if it was longer verses, instead of couplets, I might have done better with it. As-is, several lines here felt really non-sequitur to me. The first two threw me really hard, as the 'in auburn flare' going directly to 'in scarlet dress' with the linebreak made me think the rose was in the hair which was in the dress (or something?) which made little sense. And while rhyming hair/heir flare/flair is cute, it drew me out of the poem really hard when I noticed it, a 'look how clever I am' moment - even if that's not what you intended.
After the rocky start (I swear I read those six times before I figured out what was going on) I did enjoy the poem, but kept being annoyed by the linebreaks because you're enjambing like crazy here... Something which I normally enjoy because of the sense of continuation, but the double-separation of the newline/linebreak seemed to be working in exactly the opposite direction and fracturing what felt like it should be a whole into pointlessly small fragments. If you wanted to frustrate me, it was working, but... I don't really enjoy that. :P
The line Haze asks about also got me, and the one with 'akin' in it - I couldn't figure out what she's akin to at all.
I think this would be a lot better as three-ish larger verses, possibly broken where you break the rhyme; since there's only one rhyme scheme anyways, I don't think the couplets do a whole lot for you here and just make this harder for the reader to grasp. And this is strange and fuzzy enough as it is, which... mostly works for it, perhaps. I just wish it didn't seem like so much of the confusion was there simply for the sake of confusion.
After the rocky start (I swear I read those six times before I figured out what was going on) I did enjoy the poem, but kept being annoyed by the linebreaks because you're enjambing like crazy here... Something which I normally enjoy because of the sense of continuation, but the double-separation of the newline/linebreak seemed to be working in exactly the opposite direction and fracturing what felt like it should be a whole into pointlessly small fragments. If you wanted to frustrate me, it was working, but... I don't really enjoy that. :P
The line Haze asks about also got me, and the one with 'akin' in it - I couldn't figure out what she's akin to at all.
I think this would be a lot better as three-ish larger verses, possibly broken where you break the rhyme; since there's only one rhyme scheme anyways, I don't think the couplets do a whole lot for you here and just make this harder for the reader to grasp. And this is strange and fuzzy enough as it is, which... mostly works for it, perhaps. I just wish it didn't seem like so much of the confusion was there simply for the sake of confusion.
While it must seem quite debonair
to reuse your rhymes everywhere
(as done 10 times with hair and heir),
I feel your choice could use repair.
It makes me, as a reader, glare
And turn to Muse in silent prayer.
Whence came this surfeit of words "-air"?
Were they just laying 'round your lair,
or hiding underneath the stair?
Did they come free with Medicare?
Are you a Batman billionaire?
Please make it stop, I do declare! [*]
Alright, now, that's enough of that.
Let's restate, being not so pat.
Your rhyme scheme that's a sea of A's [**]
Is leaving me in quite a daze.
Writeoff poems? I approve!
But your odd choice meant this won't move
Atop my slate, or in that league.
Such tight constraints create fatigue.
I do appreciate the tact
With which you tried to dodge this fact
By sometimes breaking random lines
And for my cash, the ending's fine;
But hair-heir-where-there diarrhea
Just made this choice a bad idea.
A noble try. I'd like to see
Your verse allowed to run more free.
Until then, I'm a grumpy bear
Who rates your tier as 'Almost There'.
--
[*] I would like to note for the benefit of readers that none of these 11 end-rhymes were used in the 64 lines of the original poem, despite virtually every line using words in that rhyme set.
[**] When a poem's rhyme scheme is analyzed, it's traditional to group lines with matching rhymes by assigning them a unique letter. So my comment above, for example, would be summarized as AAAAAA AAAAAA BB CC DD...etc.
to reuse your rhymes everywhere
(as done 10 times with hair and heir),
I feel your choice could use repair.
It makes me, as a reader, glare
And turn to Muse in silent prayer.
Whence came this surfeit of words "-air"?
Were they just laying 'round your lair,
or hiding underneath the stair?
Did they come free with Medicare?
Are you a Batman billionaire?
Please make it stop, I do declare! [*]
Alright, now, that's enough of that.
Let's restate, being not so pat.
Your rhyme scheme that's a sea of A's [**]
Is leaving me in quite a daze.
Writeoff poems? I approve!
But your odd choice meant this won't move
Atop my slate, or in that league.
Such tight constraints create fatigue.
I do appreciate the tact
With which you tried to dodge this fact
By sometimes breaking random lines
And for my cash, the ending's fine;
But hair-heir-where-there diarrhea
Just made this choice a bad idea.
A noble try. I'd like to see
Your verse allowed to run more free.
Until then, I'm a grumpy bear
Who rates your tier as 'Almost There'.
--
[*] I would like to note for the benefit of readers that none of these 11 end-rhymes were used in the 64 lines of the original poem, despite virtually every line using words in that rhyme set.
[**] When a poem's rhyme scheme is analyzed, it's traditional to group lines with matching rhymes by assigning them a unique letter. So my comment above, for example, would be summarized as AAAAAA AAAAAA BB CC DD...etc.
Well I know I'm not the target audience for straight-up poetry so I'm not going to have much to say.
I will say beneath the fancy wordage, I felt something real from this. Namely, "Dust." gave me chills. The story's not all that new or inventive in terms of plot, I'd say, but it captured a feeling pretty darn well. Not a slate topper for me, but up there.
I will say beneath the fancy wordage, I felt something real from this. Namely, "Dust." gave me chills. The story's not all that new or inventive in terms of plot, I'd say, but it captured a feeling pretty darn well. Not a slate topper for me, but up there.
