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Day One
Luna awoke with a start. She opened her eyes and found herself sprawling on the ground. She gave her brain a few seconds to figure out the meaning of what she beheld: a vast, dark sky where the stars shone with unearthly brightness, as if…
Suddenly all the memories flooded back into her mind. Her revolt. Nightmare Moon. The duel. How she had laughed at the power of the Elements of Harmony. And now she was stranded. Marooned here for a thousand years until the stars would reach the proper position again. In the meanwhile…
She grunted. But much to her surprise, no sound escaped from her mouth. She tried to say a word, to no avail either. Apparently, it was impossible to speak on the moon. Not that it mattered much: whom could she talk to anyway? At least she was delivered of her sister’s corny babbling.
She looked around her, but saw only bare rocks, strewn all over a desert plain. Fine, she thought, not even a deckchair or an umbrella to enjoy the view. Too long had she overlooked the tending of her satellite. Developing the tourism industry would require a major change in her politics.
Mind you, she had plenty of time to do so.
She felt disgruntled. She gazed at the remote disk that was Equestria, floating in the darkness, and it seemed to her she could perceive her sister at the balcony of their castle, looking up at the moon with a sadness on her face. She shrugged, grimaced, and blew her a raspberry. Good luck with Equestria’s daily boring business, sister! she thought, and smiled.
She gathered her limbs under her and stood up, to find that her dark blue coat was covered in dust. She shook her barrel, causing the dust to pour on the ground. How come this place was so dirty? On the other hoof, when was the last time she had swept her abode in the sky? She could not remember.
This was an embarrassing fact. But then she remembered the sun was spotted at times, too. Even her perfect sister had her flaws.
With that thought she felt slightly better.
Having nothing better to do, she decided to explore the surroundings. Maybe she could encounter some sort of critter? Or was it crater? She was confused. But it didn’t matter, so she unfolded her wings and started to flap.
But didn’t take off.
Dang! she thought. Why can’t I fly here? Undaunted, she folded her wings back and decided to use a mundane teleportation spell instead.
It didn’t work either.
She swore silently. Then she faintly remembered that teleportation was related to geographical coordinates. And while Equestria was flat as a crêpe, the moon was round. Maybe that caused interference. She would have to find out.
Anyway, that left only walking. She sighed – well she tried to at least – and set out. The first steps were surprisingly easy. She was able to stride almost effortlessly, as if her body was weighing much less than in Equestria.
After a couple of minutes, she thought she caught a glimpse of a dark fleck against the backdrop of while hills. Intrigued, she turned and trotted toward it.
It turned out that fleck was some sort of giant road sign warning of rock falling, placed atop another sign saying “umbrellas compulsory”. Some… some something had defiled the text, drawing on it an obscene graffiti.
Luna had no idea what all that could mean. She stood in the middle of a large basin. There was no way rocks could fall here.
She was about to turn around and walk back to her previous location when something crashed on to the ground a few metres ahead, digging a tiny crater and spreading dust around.
All that in eerie silence.
Incredulous, Luna raised her head and considered the sky thoughtfully. Things were so different here. It was a whole new world to discover.
Suddenly, every trace of sadness was lifted and she felt elated. Too long had she put her private estate aside to help her sister in her petty duties.
She had a world to tame. And a millenium to do so. And, thinking about it, she wasn’t positive it would be enough.
Better to rule in heaven than to serve in Equestria.
Suddenly all the memories flooded back into her mind. Her revolt. Nightmare Moon. The duel. How she had laughed at the power of the Elements of Harmony. And now she was stranded. Marooned here for a thousand years until the stars would reach the proper position again. In the meanwhile…
She grunted. But much to her surprise, no sound escaped from her mouth. She tried to say a word, to no avail either. Apparently, it was impossible to speak on the moon. Not that it mattered much: whom could she talk to anyway? At least she was delivered of her sister’s corny babbling.
She looked around her, but saw only bare rocks, strewn all over a desert plain. Fine, she thought, not even a deckchair or an umbrella to enjoy the view. Too long had she overlooked the tending of her satellite. Developing the tourism industry would require a major change in her politics.
Mind you, she had plenty of time to do so.
She felt disgruntled. She gazed at the remote disk that was Equestria, floating in the darkness, and it seemed to her she could perceive her sister at the balcony of their castle, looking up at the moon with a sadness on her face. She shrugged, grimaced, and blew her a raspberry. Good luck with Equestria’s daily boring business, sister! she thought, and smiled.
She gathered her limbs under her and stood up, to find that her dark blue coat was covered in dust. She shook her barrel, causing the dust to pour on the ground. How come this place was so dirty? On the other hoof, when was the last time she had swept her abode in the sky? She could not remember.
This was an embarrassing fact. But then she remembered the sun was spotted at times, too. Even her perfect sister had her flaws.
With that thought she felt slightly better.
Having nothing better to do, she decided to explore the surroundings. Maybe she could encounter some sort of critter? Or was it crater? She was confused. But it didn’t matter, so she unfolded her wings and started to flap.
But didn’t take off.
Dang! she thought. Why can’t I fly here? Undaunted, she folded her wings back and decided to use a mundane teleportation spell instead.
It didn’t work either.
She swore silently. Then she faintly remembered that teleportation was related to geographical coordinates. And while Equestria was flat as a crêpe, the moon was round. Maybe that caused interference. She would have to find out.
Anyway, that left only walking. She sighed – well she tried to at least – and set out. The first steps were surprisingly easy. She was able to stride almost effortlessly, as if her body was weighing much less than in Equestria.
After a couple of minutes, she thought she caught a glimpse of a dark fleck against the backdrop of while hills. Intrigued, she turned and trotted toward it.
It turned out that fleck was some sort of giant road sign warning of rock falling, placed atop another sign saying “umbrellas compulsory”. Some… some something had defiled the text, drawing on it an obscene graffiti.
Luna had no idea what all that could mean. She stood in the middle of a large basin. There was no way rocks could fall here.
She was about to turn around and walk back to her previous location when something crashed on to the ground a few metres ahead, digging a tiny crater and spreading dust around.
All that in eerie silence.
Incredulous, Luna raised her head and considered the sky thoughtfully. Things were so different here. It was a whole new world to discover.
Suddenly, every trace of sadness was lifted and she felt elated. Too long had she put her private estate aside to help her sister in her petty duties.
She had a world to tame. And a millenium to do so. And, thinking about it, she wasn’t positive it would be enough.
Better to rule in heaven than to serve in Equestria.
I have a lot of questions, especially in regards to the topology of Equestria and the orbit of its moon. Granted, this is clearly a story I shouldn’t think too hard about; that way lies lunacy. However, some sense of coherence would be nice. This feels like you made it up as you went along. That can be a fun exercise, but disorienting for a reader expecting something with some degree of internal logic. A Random tag will definitely help should this make it to Fimfiction, as will deciding what you want to do with it.
Okay! That was something. Now wonderful premise on Nightmare Moon being imprisoned and following the events that happened afterward the conflict between the Sun and Moon. What I don't get is quite a number of things.
Let's start with the positives shall we? We get a very good hook on Luna traversing the moon and thinking over her actions. The exploration and the explanation of the physics associated with this story are by far some of the best I've seen so far. This composes most of your story and gives it a really good and comforting vibe.
Now onto the negatives. There is a lot going on with this that just kinda ruins the imagination for the reader. First off nopony knew that Luna was to come back in a 1000 years. So in theory neither did Luna understand that until she did the unthinkable. This event could have spiced up the story here and explain how exactly Luna break out of her prison.
If Nightmare moon was the one sent to the moon and the same being who came back after a 1000 years, wouldn't that still make her Nightmare Moon first and foremost? So placing Luna here as "Luna" instead of the character she was before and afterwards kinda defeats the purpose of the Elements turning her back into Luna's normal state. When this story somehow explains that Luna has had that choice all along. Also it doesn't seem like quite the prison if Luna has free will to wander the Moon freely and with someone like her she would have figured out a way back a lot sooner. Now having her imprisoned in the rocky craters would explain how she was held back for such a long time, seeing as she would have to dig herself out bit by bit just to crack a formation that had created the line of craters outlining Nightmare Moon on the surface of the sattelite. There's a lot of things that just doesn't explain themselves and so it ends up spoiling the read. Leaving it vague like you did only added more confusion rather making this a good read.
My suggestion is, that you perhaps use Luna in her new settings after she is returned to Equestria. Where he wings would feel different her mane probably taking on a starlit veil effect and how she mends issues with Celestia.
Let's start with the positives shall we? We get a very good hook on Luna traversing the moon and thinking over her actions. The exploration and the explanation of the physics associated with this story are by far some of the best I've seen so far. This composes most of your story and gives it a really good and comforting vibe.
Now onto the negatives. There is a lot going on with this that just kinda ruins the imagination for the reader. First off nopony knew that Luna was to come back in a 1000 years. So in theory neither did Luna understand that until she did the unthinkable. This event could have spiced up the story here and explain how exactly Luna break out of her prison.
If Nightmare moon was the one sent to the moon and the same being who came back after a 1000 years, wouldn't that still make her Nightmare Moon first and foremost? So placing Luna here as "Luna" instead of the character she was before and afterwards kinda defeats the purpose of the Elements turning her back into Luna's normal state. When this story somehow explains that Luna has had that choice all along. Also it doesn't seem like quite the prison if Luna has free will to wander the Moon freely and with someone like her she would have figured out a way back a lot sooner. Now having her imprisoned in the rocky craters would explain how she was held back for such a long time, seeing as she would have to dig herself out bit by bit just to crack a formation that had created the line of craters outlining Nightmare Moon on the surface of the sattelite. There's a lot of things that just doesn't explain themselves and so it ends up spoiling the read. Leaving it vague like you did only added more confusion rather making this a good read.
My suggestion is, that you perhaps use Luna in her new settings after she is returned to Equestria. Where he wings would feel different her mane probably taking on a starlit veil effect and how she mends issues with Celestia.
It's Woonastuck! /)^3^(\ (She really needs to find that map.)
Jokes aside, you should say Nightmare Moon rather than Luna here. The characters are distinct, here you're referring to NMM, and NMM wouldn't think of herself as Luna.
This is an interesting exposition that raises more questions than it answers, but the message is on-point. I think it would help if there were a forward-looking comment about, "...maybe she'd change her mind a millennium hence and want nothing but revenge, but for now...". Something like that would have tied the story more tightly to canon in a way that we're not left guessing how much this version of NMM differs from the one whose backstory we know and understand already.
Jokes aside, you should say Nightmare Moon rather than Luna here. The characters are distinct, here you're referring to NMM, and NMM wouldn't think of herself as Luna.
This is an interesting exposition that raises more questions than it answers, but the message is on-point. I think it would help if there were a forward-looking comment about, "...maybe she'd change her mind a millennium hence and want nothing but revenge, but for now...". Something like that would have tied the story more tightly to canon in a way that we're not left guessing how much this version of NMM differs from the one whose backstory we know and understand already.
Genre: Random
Thoughts: Random
Tier: Random
...
Okay, that's not the most useful review. Honestly though, I might have to abstain on this one. The prose is solid enough, and there are some humorous flourishes here and there, but I fundamentally don't "get" this story. I think my single biggest stumbling block is the graffitied sign on the moon... it's the sort of thing that screams that this should be a comedy, but for the life of me I feel like I'm missing the joke.
Sorry, author. I suspect that I could like this much more with a bit of explanation.
Thoughts: Random
Tier: Random
...
Okay, that's not the most useful review. Honestly though, I might have to abstain on this one. The prose is solid enough, and there are some humorous flourishes here and there, but I fundamentally don't "get" this story. I think my single biggest stumbling block is the graffitied sign on the moon... it's the sort of thing that screams that this should be a comedy, but for the life of me I feel like I'm missing the joke.
Sorry, author. I suspect that I could like this much more with a bit of explanation.
>>CoffeeMinion
This really illustrates how differently two ponies can read the same work. I didn't find it random at all.
The signs refer to meteorites, and the signs exist because apparently ponies can visit the Moon as was indicated by the protagonist. This doesn't explain why she's stuck there if other ponies can come and go as they please, but I don't think it needs to since there are many consistent possibilities.
I didn't read in any humor at all, to be honest. I saw it as sincere but unusual, with a message about silver linings. It'll probably end up in the top half of my scoring card.
This really illustrates how differently two ponies can read the same work. I didn't find it random at all.
The signs refer to meteorites, and the signs exist because apparently ponies can visit the Moon as was indicated by the protagonist. This doesn't explain why she's stuck there if other ponies can come and go as they please, but I don't think it needs to since there are many consistent possibilities.
I didn't read in any humor at all, to be honest. I saw it as sincere but unusual, with a message about silver linings. It'll probably end up in the top half of my scoring card.
This leaves me wondering what happened to the Nightmare. Was Luna purged as she was banished, and on escape will she be re-u-Nighted or something?
I liked the concept here, and exploration is always something that I enjoy. The slow discovery of the surroundings, and the evolution of her mindset, were both interesting and engaging to me. The whole thing came across as rather goofy, which was better than maudlin in my opinion. I do think drawing out her curiosity more, so that the final bit doesn't seem quite so abrupt or sudden, might be good. (It's there, but I think it could be stronger.)
Nice work on the whole.
I liked the concept here, and exploration is always something that I enjoy. The slow discovery of the surroundings, and the evolution of her mindset, were both interesting and engaging to me. The whole thing came across as rather goofy, which was better than maudlin in my opinion. I do think drawing out her curiosity more, so that the final bit doesn't seem quite so abrupt or sudden, might be good. (It's there, but I think it could be stronger.)
Nice work on the whole.
>>Trick_Question
I appreciate the extra help understanding this. Different perspectives indeed. :-)
I didn't pick up at all on the tourism thing being serious; I thought it was a swerve toward absurdity. Even now, I still find it a bit far fetched, at least not with some more explanation of how that would even be possible, or with some more overt humor to get me to the point where I would be willing to roll with it for the sake of comedy.
I dunno. Considering that others are seeing stuff here that's just flying over my head, I think abstaining is still my best bet.
I appreciate the extra help understanding this. Different perspectives indeed. :-)
I didn't pick up at all on the tourism thing being serious; I thought it was a swerve toward absurdity. Even now, I still find it a bit far fetched, at least not with some more explanation of how that would even be possible, or with some more overt humor to get me to the point where I would be willing to roll with it for the sake of comedy.
I dunno. Considering that others are seeing stuff here that's just flying over my head, I think abstaining is still my best bet.
I've read it a couple of times now and I'm still a bit perplexed by this story.
You clearly had fun writing it and I had fun reading it, but I got the vague impression that the story doesn't know what it wants to be when it grows up. You mix surreal situations with a bit of melancholy and a subtle comedic vein that runs through the whole piece.
That certainly is a combination that can be powerful, but it is also difficult to get right. You have some interesting ideas, but the lack of focus detracts a bit from them.
Fix the dangling threads and tighten it a bit and this will be great.
You clearly had fun writing it and I had fun reading it, but I got the vague impression that the story doesn't know what it wants to be when it grows up. You mix surreal situations with a bit of melancholy and a subtle comedic vein that runs through the whole piece.
That certainly is a combination that can be powerful, but it is also difficult to get right. You have some interesting ideas, but the lack of focus detracts a bit from them.
Fix the dangling threads and tighten it a bit and this will be great.
>>Orbiting_kettle
I'm usually the critical bitch. I'm stunned that I appear to have enjoyed this story more than any of the other reviewers!
There's a lot of random in the viewer's perception of art. Although I'm not consciously aware of this, I'm certain that how I'm feeling at the moment I read something strongly influences whether I'll like it or not.
But yeah, I did like this one and found the flaws very minor.
I'm usually the critical bitch. I'm stunned that I appear to have enjoyed this story more than any of the other reviewers!
There's a lot of random in the viewer's perception of art. Although I'm not consciously aware of this, I'm certain that how I'm feeling at the moment I read something strongly influences whether I'll like it or not.
But yeah, I did like this one and found the flaws very minor.
>>Trick_Question
My impression is fairly subjective too, as I stated in my first review. Everything I say is simply my perception on how to improve that particular story for me as target reader.
I also tend to sometimes be in awe of stories almost nobody else appreciate o the same level.
It is possible that in two days, when I'll read it again I'll suddenly grok it and will enthusiastically push the story under the nose of whomever will be so careless as to listen to me.
The problem in the write-off is that you don't have the time to deeply ponder on each entry, which is the reason why common wisdom holds that subtlety is dangerous.
My impression is fairly subjective too, as I stated in my first review. Everything I say is simply my perception on how to improve that particular story for me as target reader.
I also tend to sometimes be in awe of stories almost nobody else appreciate o the same level.
It is possible that in two days, when I'll read it again I'll suddenly grok it and will enthusiastically push the story under the nose of whomever will be so careless as to listen to me.
The problem in the write-off is that you don't have the time to deeply ponder on each entry, which is the reason why common wisdom holds that subtlety is dangerous.
>>Not_A_Hat
I, too, am intrigued by the possibility that, in a horrifically tragic turn of events, Luna was purged of the Nightmare when she was struck by the elements. Then we get to figure on whether she is infected again upon re-entry, which opens up a lot of possibilities for why, (the stars are cold and full of evil) or whether the sorrow and bitterness from her imprisonment ( feel the weight of 10,000 years!) is what caused her to convert back to evil and begin to plot her escape.
I got the meteorites... but not the graffiti, since that does imply that there is enough hoof-traffic to warrant such a thing... :rainbow shrug:
I think this one has possibilities, it depends on which direction it is expanded in.
I, too, am intrigued by the possibility that, in a horrifically tragic turn of events, Luna was purged of the Nightmare when she was struck by the elements. Then we get to figure on whether she is infected again upon re-entry, which opens up a lot of possibilities for why, (the stars are cold and full of evil) or whether the sorrow and bitterness from her imprisonment ( feel the weight of 10,000 years!) is what caused her to convert back to evil and begin to plot her escape.
I got the meteorites... but not the graffiti, since that does imply that there is enough hoof-traffic to warrant such a thing... :rainbow shrug:
I think this one has possibilities, it depends on which direction it is expanded in.
This came across as a bit schizophrenic to me. It feels melancholic, but then there are these absurdist elements about obscene graffiti and road-signs, implying comedy (but without humor.) My guess was that Discord was here previously or some such, but no closure is ever given. Luna also seems curiously ignorant of her surroundings. She talks about the last time she "swept" the place, yet is confused by the lower gravity and lack of air. Does she know this place or doesn't she?
All in all, it adds up to a confusing and murky tale at best for me.
All in all, it adds up to a confusing and murky tale at best for me.
Okay, this was... odd. Not bad, just odd.
I'm not really sure if this is supposed to be a comedy or not. On the one hand, Luna (or is it nightmare moon? Is there any distinction here?) is trapped on a lifeless, airless rock for a thousand years. On the other hand, she doesn't seem to mind it very much. Bu is this because it's really not so bad, or is se just crazy and trying to rationalize her situation away? And what's up with the sign and mention of umbrellas... IS there other life on the moon?
All in all, I found this a rather strange entry.
I'm not really sure if this is supposed to be a comedy or not. On the one hand, Luna (or is it nightmare moon? Is there any distinction here?) is trapped on a lifeless, airless rock for a thousand years. On the other hand, she doesn't seem to mind it very much. Bu is this because it's really not so bad, or is se just crazy and trying to rationalize her situation away? And what's up with the sign and mention of umbrellas... IS there other life on the moon?
All in all, I found this a rather strange entry.
Okay, I can't help but feel a little like the whole story was a set up for that last line. It just feels overly attention-grabbing, in an almost blatant way. Other than that, you paint a very fluid picture with your imagery; I like that a lot of the descriptions encourages the reader to think and imagine, rather than just visualizing whatever image they've been given.But honestly, I'm not entirely sure what you're going for. It feels like you're setting up a mood/tone piece, but Luna's voice just doesn't seem to match up with this. To be honest, not much of her dialogue felt like NMM, or even pre-Luna Eclipsed Luna to me. Her flippant sarcasm makes it difficult to take her very seriously, which kind of undermines the more thoughtful parts. It's almost as if there is a new tone/mood every few paragraphs, and it makes it difficult to become invested in it one way or another. My suggestion: pick a feeling you want to evoke within the reader and stick to it. It's hard to produce a strong minific when it feels like half of the story is actively undoing the other half.
Day One — B+ — Ok, that was a little… odd. Umbrellas? Seriously, that could have been cropped out and made the story hold together better. Technically done quite well, but very little ‘there’ inside, like a diet soda.
There's a lot of whimsy to this story. That's pretty cool!
It does leave a lot of unanswered questions, though. Why is it Luna and not Nightmare Moon? Why does Luna specify the stars reaching the proper position "again"; did it already happen? Why is there obscene graffiti on the moon? That said, it wouldn't be whimsy if it explained itself too hard.
*reads reviews* oh, if it's a Moonstuck reference then that explains a lot. I never got too far into it and it was a long time ago, but it does fit with what I remember.
It does leave a lot of unanswered questions, though. Why is it Luna and not Nightmare Moon? Why does Luna specify the stars reaching the proper position "again"; did it already happen? Why is there obscene graffiti on the moon? That said, it wouldn't be whimsy if it explained itself too hard.
*reads reviews* oh, if it's a Moonstuck reference then that explains a lot. I never got too far into it and it was a long time ago, but it does fit with what I remember.
Holy shit, Mono. I actually had your story ranked in my top three. And I had no idea it was yours. I loved this story! :pinkiehappy:
I'm disappointed it didn't make the cut, though given people's confused reactions, not too surprised. But I really enjoyed it.
I'm disappointed it didn't make the cut, though given people's confused reactions, not too surprised. But I really enjoyed it.
Now that my second story has been revealed, I can now officially reveal that Day One took second-place on my original slate of all 48 stories. :raritywink: And no, I had no idea it was yours.
Also, this one missed the cut by a hair's breadth! Remove a few words from the other stories and it would have popped in.
Fading Lights had beautiful prose and some really neat ideas. I definitely didn't score it on the bottom of the finals. It just needs more of a story with it.
You continue to improve as a writer. If only you could see that yourself...
Also, this one missed the cut by a hair's breadth! Remove a few words from the other stories and it would have popped in.
Fading Lights had beautiful prose and some really neat ideas. I definitely didn't score it on the bottom of the finals. It just needs more of a story with it.
You continue to improve as a writer. If only you could see that yourself...