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Entering and Breaking
When Minuette woke, she was thirsty. Cracking her eyes, she pushed herself up from the corduroy pillow. From somewhere in the blur that was her living room, a large glass was pressed against her chest.
"Thank you," she mumbled, hooves instinctively wrapping around it.
She blinked; looked up.
"Berry?"
Berry Punch sat opposite her on the couch, looking all the world as though nothing was strange about the situation.
"Drink up," Berry Punch said, gesturing to the glass. "Orange smoothie, just for you."
Minuette stared at her friend; down at the smoothie; back up. "How did you get in?"
"I broke in. Now drink up. You're thirsty, right?"
"I—" She decided she could drink first and argue later, and took a large gulp; gagged. "Bleugh! Berry, what's in this!"
Berry shrugged. "The usual. Ice. Water. Oranges."
Fuming, "Oranges?"
"Oranges: carrot, bell pepper, persimmon mash, walnut flour, polus."
Having been building to demur, Minutette stalled on the last one. "'Polus'?"
"Vodka. The not-orange bits are kale and mint." More to herself, Berry added, "Should remember to ask Good Thyme about orange mint sometime."
Minuette slammed the glass down on the short coffee table in disgust and started to rise. Berry's hoof and the earth pony strength behind it pushed her back to sitting.
"What in Tartarus, Berry! I—"
"Drink," Berry insisted. "It's better for you and it's right here."
"But it's disgusting!"
"Well..." Berry grabbed it, took a sip, and bobbled her head. "It's not—" she fixed Minuette with a pointed look "—sweet."
Minuette's ears pulled back, defensive. "And what's that supposed to mean?"
"You crashed pretty hard after the party. Fourteen servings sets a new record."
She felt her mane prickle. "I did not have fourteen—"
"Nine squares of cake, four scoops ice cream, and one serving worth from those bit-sized cookies. I counted."
"So I have a sweet tooth!"
"And Rumble's birthday last week, you had ten."
"They invited me!"
"Everyone," Berry corrected. "And there's the daily leftovers from Sugarcube, Diamond Tiara's, Apple Acres'—"
"It would go to waste anyway!" Minuette stood on the couch, bearing down. "You break into my house, you want me to drink that dreck, and now you accuse me of being some sugar-addicted freak?"
Berry didn't flinch. "I haven't accused you of anything."
"Well... good! Now get out. I have... stuff to do!"
"It's noon." That bare statement of fact caused Minuette to freeze. "Now I'll start accusing. You probably don't have a job anymore because of oversleeping. And not everything you've been 'keeping from going to waste' was. You knew it wasn't all going to waste; you just didn't care."
Minuette gaped, anger being replaced by something else. "That's not.... You...."
"You fell asleep on a bench by the fountain. I carried you the rest of the way home. Your bed is disgusting, by the way, and you'll need a new door lock."
Minuette was trembling. "You can't just.... I...." Her legs failed and she fell forward into Berry's mane.
Neither of them moved nor spoke for a long minute. Berry watched the condensation on the smoothie slide down the glass sides to puddle on the table, listening; waiting.
Finally, Minuette's hooves slid around Berry, and the gesture was promptly returned. "I have a problem."
Berry Punch gave a wry chuckle. "When you're ready, drink up. It's good for you."
"Thank you," she mumbled, hooves instinctively wrapping around it.
She blinked; looked up.
"Berry?"
Berry Punch sat opposite her on the couch, looking all the world as though nothing was strange about the situation.
"Drink up," Berry Punch said, gesturing to the glass. "Orange smoothie, just for you."
Minuette stared at her friend; down at the smoothie; back up. "How did you get in?"
"I broke in. Now drink up. You're thirsty, right?"
"I—" She decided she could drink first and argue later, and took a large gulp; gagged. "Bleugh! Berry, what's in this!"
Berry shrugged. "The usual. Ice. Water. Oranges."
Fuming, "Oranges?"
"Oranges: carrot, bell pepper, persimmon mash, walnut flour, polus."
Having been building to demur, Minutette stalled on the last one. "'Polus'?"
"Vodka. The not-orange bits are kale and mint." More to herself, Berry added, "Should remember to ask Good Thyme about orange mint sometime."
Minuette slammed the glass down on the short coffee table in disgust and started to rise. Berry's hoof and the earth pony strength behind it pushed her back to sitting.
"What in Tartarus, Berry! I—"
"Drink," Berry insisted. "It's better for you and it's right here."
"But it's disgusting!"
"Well..." Berry grabbed it, took a sip, and bobbled her head. "It's not—" she fixed Minuette with a pointed look "—sweet."
Minuette's ears pulled back, defensive. "And what's that supposed to mean?"
"You crashed pretty hard after the party. Fourteen servings sets a new record."
She felt her mane prickle. "I did not have fourteen—"
"Nine squares of cake, four scoops ice cream, and one serving worth from those bit-sized cookies. I counted."
"So I have a sweet tooth!"
"And Rumble's birthday last week, you had ten."
"They invited me!"
"Everyone," Berry corrected. "And there's the daily leftovers from Sugarcube, Diamond Tiara's, Apple Acres'—"
"It would go to waste anyway!" Minuette stood on the couch, bearing down. "You break into my house, you want me to drink that dreck, and now you accuse me of being some sugar-addicted freak?"
Berry didn't flinch. "I haven't accused you of anything."
"Well... good! Now get out. I have... stuff to do!"
"It's noon." That bare statement of fact caused Minuette to freeze. "Now I'll start accusing. You probably don't have a job anymore because of oversleeping. And not everything you've been 'keeping from going to waste' was. You knew it wasn't all going to waste; you just didn't care."
Minuette gaped, anger being replaced by something else. "That's not.... You...."
"You fell asleep on a bench by the fountain. I carried you the rest of the way home. Your bed is disgusting, by the way, and you'll need a new door lock."
Minuette was trembling. "You can't just.... I...." Her legs failed and she fell forward into Berry's mane.
Neither of them moved nor spoke for a long minute. Berry watched the condensation on the smoothie slide down the glass sides to puddle on the table, listening; waiting.
Finally, Minuette's hooves slid around Berry, and the gesture was promptly returned. "I have a problem."
Berry Punch gave a wry chuckle. "When you're ready, drink up. It's good for you."
This definitely works as a complete narrative arc, but the choice of characters threw me off enough that I could never really get into it. I have no issue with Berry Punch staging an intervention, but reconciling a Minuette that lives in Ponyville after “Amending Fences” had me going “Wait, what?” through the whole story. Amazing how much of a difference one episode can make.
Again, the story’s sound. Adjust or explain the casting and you’ll be fine.
Again, the story’s sound. Adjust or explain the casting and you’ll be fine.
Corduroy. (shudder) I've always hated the feel of corduroy, even before I turned five. And a pillow?!
Yay, author! That more than redeems you. :twilightsmile:
...hmm. Okay, this is pretty weird. I'm not sure I quite grasp how a sugar addiction, given that there are no signs Minuette is diabetic or overweight, could possibly have these sorts of effects. This piece is too serious for such a random bit of bizarre headcanon. I honestly don't get it.
Plus, you have the protagonist replacing sugar with alcohol as being "better" for her addiction-wise, which only compounds the premise into something even more bizarre. (Especially given who the protagonist is.)
I mean, if this makes any sense, then shouldn't Pinkie Pie be dead by now? (Granted, I'm speaking as somepony who shares Pinkie's metabolism to a T.)
Wait, and why the hey do they serve so much sugar at foal's birthdays, exactly as the story describes?!
You're an amazing author and I'm confused as buck. Wat, author. Just... wat.
"...the earth pony strength behind it..."
Yay, author! That more than redeems you. :twilightsmile:
...hmm. Okay, this is pretty weird. I'm not sure I quite grasp how a sugar addiction, given that there are no signs Minuette is diabetic or overweight, could possibly have these sorts of effects. This piece is too serious for such a random bit of bizarre headcanon. I honestly don't get it.
Plus, you have the protagonist replacing sugar with alcohol as being "better" for her addiction-wise, which only compounds the premise into something even more bizarre. (Especially given who the protagonist is.)
I mean, if this makes any sense, then shouldn't Pinkie Pie be dead by now? (Granted, I'm speaking as somepony who shares Pinkie's metabolism to a T.)
Wait, and why the hey do they serve so much sugar at foal's birthdays, exactly as the story describes?!
You're an amazing author and I'm confused as buck. Wat, author. Just... wat.
>>Trick_Question
I believe the author is referring to a good old Dad joke:
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines!
Corduroy. (shudder)
I believe the author is referring to a good old Dad joke:
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines!
I liked this. It was a funny subversion; I don't think it was necessarily implying "alcohol addiction is less of a problem than sugar addiction" like some people seem to have read it. Back in the day it used to get joked about a lot after Spike and Pony Joe's "I think you've had enough" line.
I didn't notice it at the time but Minuette is an odd choice after Amending Fences. She could have been pretty much anypony and the story would still have worked, though, so not a big flaw to me.
I didn't notice it at the time but Minuette is an odd choice after Amending Fences. She could have been pretty much anypony and the story would still have worked, though, so not a big flaw to me.
Why Minuette and not, say, Pinkie Pie? I guess that would be the obvious choice, and this story's about subverting expectations and all that other TVTropes nonsense. Minuette is established in Amending Fences as the Ersatz UniPinkie, and fanon does have her and Berry Punch as lovers friends, so if anyone's going to have a sugar addiction, it makes sense for it to be her. More than, say, Bon Bon. Or Tirek!
The fact that Minuette is established as living in Canterlot, and not Ponyville, doesn't bother me so much, since she (and every other background pony, for that matter) seems to pop up whenever and wherever the animators need to fill out crowd scenes. Seriously, I think the cast of Mad Men shows up in at least three different locales despite Sterling-Hoofer (or whatever) operating out of Manehattan.
I laughed a lot (out loud, as the kids say), and the logical quibbles didn't quibble with me as much as they might have, so I'm going to give this a mark of approval.
also I like corduroy
The fact that Minuette is established as living in Canterlot, and not Ponyville, doesn't bother me so much, since she (and every other background pony, for that matter) seems to pop up whenever and wherever the animators need to fill out crowd scenes. Seriously, I think the cast of Mad Men shows up in at least three different locales despite Sterling-Hoofer (or whatever) operating out of Manehattan.
I laughed a lot (out loud, as the kids say), and the logical quibbles didn't quibble with me as much as they might have, so I'm going to give this a mark of approval.
The Great
Amusing take on the gag. I smirked.
The Rough
Some technical problems jumped out at me. Four period ellipses, what I'm pretty sure are semi-colon abuses, and the like. Definitely needs a cleaning pass.
Amusing take on the gag. I smirked.
The Rough
Some technical problems jumped out at me. Four period ellipses, what I'm pretty sure are semi-colon abuses, and the like. Definitely needs a cleaning pass.
An interesting inversion of the typical trope. My main gripe was that Minuette is typically the dentist pony in fanon, and a dentist with an addiction-level sweet-tooth would be perfect here, yet that aspect isn't mentioned. Definitely feel that's a lost opportunity. Overall, the arc is well written, but aside from inverting the trope, it doesn't do much. A little more comedy could go a long way here. As it sits, the characters play it just a little too straight.
Post by
Shadowed_Song
, deleted
>>Trick_Question
Just an aside, having realized A Thing.
This story would make oodles more sense if instead of a sugar addiction, it were a salt addiction.
That's because the latter has actually appeared in the show, and it doesn't contradict canonical things like Pinkie Pie's and Celestia's behaviors, or sugar being neigh-constantly available to foals.
Just an aside, having realized A Thing.
This story would make oodles more sense if instead of a sugar addiction, it were a salt addiction.
That's because the latter has actually appeared in the show, and it doesn't contradict canonical things like Pinkie Pie's and Celestia's behaviors, or sugar being neigh-constantly available to foals.
8oz review: ooo, I enjoyed !Hat's reading of this one. The text is a fair bit rougher than I expected based on that. The premise is silly but falls short of capitalizing on both its potential ridiculousness and its emotional depth. Lots of good here, but:
Tier: Needs Work
Tier: Needs Work
So, Entering and Breaking. I'd like to start by saying that I personally wasn't very happy with this one, and I'm surprised it did as well as it has.
My initial (and, really, only core) idea from my idea jar (thanks, CoffeeMinion!) was "sugar as metaphor for debilitating substance addiction." Naturally, the microfiction format doesn't lend itself to deep exploration, so I set out to write a little scene showing a pivotal moment: where a character is made to realize the hole [s]he has dug for themselves. Cue my brain rolling to a blunt Berry Punch I like to read and write, a little inversion of the supposed-dentist having a sweet tooth, and you arrive at the core premises for this piece.
Now, it has been noted that these characters have contrary canonical information in the episode, "Amending Fences".I don't care. I forgot about that entirely in the process of writing. Mea culpa. Sorry it threw some people, but I'm glad people were willing to put up with it.
Unfortunately, I think an essential element I had hoped to convey was missed by every reviewer: less important is the addiction than the fact that it is debilitating. Pinkie Pie is not the central addict, because she doesn't have problems. Berry Punch is not the central addict because she doesn't have problem. Berry Punch may well be an addict in her own right, but she seems to have her act together, at least for her friend. Again, too subtle for my own good, and mea culpa. Related to this is the alcohol in the smoothie: first, it's Berry, so of course there's alcohol in it; second, there probably isn't much, and it's well offset by the fiber and complex sugars; and third, it is entirely possible that the blood sugar spike is exactly what Minuette needs to get going. Shrug.
Final notes:
* The use of semicolons for sentence fragments was deliberate; the four-dot dashes was not doing my homework and misapplying the "omission including full stop" for "tailing off" (tailing off as opposed to interrupted).
* Other substances, such as salt, may have been a better choice…
* Sugar probably doesn't result in significant drowsiness per se, but a sugar crash does induce lethargy and usually an upset stomach—excuse enough to want to just lay downand die. Minuette's forgetfulness here is, accordingly, probably more a product of sleep haze than anything else.
* I'm glad some people picked up on the nastiness of corduroy for a pillow.
Thank you all for your thoughts!
>>GroaningGreyAgony >>FanOfMostEverything >>Rao >>Trick_Question >>Syeekoh >>Bremen >>Posh >>AndrewRogue >>Xepher >>Shadowed_Song >>CoffeeMinion >>Monokeras
My initial (and, really, only core) idea from my idea jar (thanks, CoffeeMinion!) was "sugar as metaphor for debilitating substance addiction." Naturally, the microfiction format doesn't lend itself to deep exploration, so I set out to write a little scene showing a pivotal moment: where a character is made to realize the hole [s]he has dug for themselves. Cue my brain rolling to a blunt Berry Punch I like to read and write, a little inversion of the supposed-dentist having a sweet tooth, and you arrive at the core premises for this piece.
Now, it has been noted that these characters have contrary canonical information in the episode, "Amending Fences".
Unfortunately, I think an essential element I had hoped to convey was missed by every reviewer: less important is the addiction than the fact that it is debilitating. Pinkie Pie is not the central addict, because she doesn't have problems. Berry Punch is not the central addict because she doesn't have problem. Berry Punch may well be an addict in her own right, but she seems to have her act together, at least for her friend. Again, too subtle for my own good, and mea culpa. Related to this is the alcohol in the smoothie: first, it's Berry, so of course there's alcohol in it; second, there probably isn't much, and it's well offset by the fiber and complex sugars; and third, it is entirely possible that the blood sugar spike is exactly what Minuette needs to get going. Shrug.
Final notes:
* The use of semicolons for sentence fragments was deliberate; the four-dot dashes was not doing my homework and misapplying the "omission including full stop" for "tailing off" (tailing off as opposed to interrupted).
* Other substances, such as salt, may have been a better choice…
* Sugar probably doesn't result in significant drowsiness per se, but a sugar crash does induce lethargy and usually an upset stomach—excuse enough to want to just lay down
* I'm glad some people picked up on the nastiness of corduroy for a pillow.
Thank you all for your thoughts!
>>GroaningGreyAgony >>FanOfMostEverything >>Rao >>Trick_Question >>Syeekoh >>Bremen >>Posh >>AndrewRogue >>Xepher >>Shadowed_Song >>CoffeeMinion >>Monokeras
>>KwirkyJ
I had one additional thought that I'll share because why not: Swapping Minuette for Pinkie Pie could make the sugar addition angle make more sense. Pinkie is insanely over-the-top ravenous with sweets, and I could see a small amount of alcohol being used as a starting point to help her see she has a problem there.
I had one additional thought that I'll share because why not: Swapping Minuette for Pinkie Pie could make the sugar addition angle make more sense. Pinkie is insanely over-the-top ravenous with sweets, and I could see a small amount of alcohol being used as a starting point to help her see she has a problem there.
>>KwirkyJ
SAAAAAALT! MAKE IT SALT INSTEAD OF SUGAR FOR THE LOVE OF LUNA!
(sorry)
No, I see where the sugar thing makes more relatable sense. My idea is not the Only Idea. But still...
SAAAAAALT! MAKE IT SALT INSTEAD OF SUGAR FOR THE LOVE OF LUNA!
(sorry)
No, I see where the sugar thing makes more relatable sense. My idea is not the Only Idea. But still...