I feel the end repetition is the weakest part here. The rest of the story captures an intense emotional journey in very few words, but those last three words… I suppose the idea was for Twilight to shout, shout, and let it all out, but instead they create a frantic feeling that disrupts the tidy conclusion and brings to mind some of the less proud moments of Twilight’s life. (“Clock. Is. Ticking!”)

Of course, Twilight’s far from healed at this point, but that last bit still throws off the whole story, especially the double exclamation points. Still, it’s an easy fix. I look forward to seeing this expanded, especially if Celestia has a response.

Twilight's struggle comes through quite well, and indeed the traumatic experience she went through justifies perfectly her reaction and what she writes.

My criticism here is more directed at the framing device. It feels more like she is talking to somepony instead of writing them (even if she will never send it).

Writing is such a different activity than talking that I felt the dissonance while reading it. That sadly detracted from my experience and from what is a powerful piece.

A bit of editing and maybe reframing it slightly should go a long way in improving a good story.

I will be tackling my review and/or critique a bit differently than what I'm used to doing. I've decided, since everyone's got a good handle of talking about conflict, characterization, and that sort of thing, to focus instead on the prose itself. In this critique, I will be attempting to examine how the word choice, sentence structure, order of events, and point of view influence the tone of the story, based on what it's trying to accomplish (from my perspective). Take this however you will.

For those looking for my general thoughts on this story, here it is: I thought it presented the conflict with a good amount of heart and a decent amount of pacing, but I feel like it didn't use the power of tears well enough to draw from it the full importance of it. The epistolary style is probably the right choice, but I think the story's actually too much written as a standard story to get the full effect of it.

And author, whoever you may be, the criticisms I have aren't meant to be discouraging; they are merely my observations, and my attempts to extrapolate what I liked and didn't like, and why I felt it hurt the tone and events of the story. Take them for however you will, but please keep that in mind.



Firstly, I will confess that I review epistolary stories far more harshly than I do regular stories. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's because people don't really get the full weight of someone's letters or journal entries, the weight that can't be conveyed in regular storytelling; or it may be because people often confuse writing letters/journal entries with stream-of-consciousness, and the two have a different significance to each of them. That could be the pretentious critic in me, though, but keep that in mind when I say that the epistolary form isn't done complete justice. In this story's case, it comes close to being a great epistolary, but there are word and punctuation choices that make me feel like I'm reading a story trying to be an epistolary.

Let me point them out in order:

I write this letter, unsure if I will even send it. I think I just need to hear the scratch of a quill on paper to feel some sense of normalcy at the moment. I... I broke down in tears a moment ago, as my usual outlet for cathartic writing is my journal.

It's a pet peeve of mine whenever I see ellipses in a letter or journal entry. I don't see the value in pausing there, or in the narrator pausing there. She could've just hesitated before writing again, and we the readers could've wondered about her mindset as she was writing it. As it is, it makes that section sound like dialogue, rather than a privately written thought in a letter.

I know I'm lucky to have survived. More lucky still that my friends were spared as well. Lucky thrice over that only property and possessions—not lives—were lost when Tirek attacked. I confess I even felt a sort of "high" in my victory yesterday.

This is a bit worse. I can understand that that interruption with the em-dashes is proper, but it makes it sound a lot less personal. And putting the quotes around "high" really fetters the freedom that comes with writing a letter you're not sure you'll send. It's trying to be too story-like, and even if it is to show Twilight's personality in regards to that lingo, I personally find it distracting. To me, that signals that it's not Twilight that's writing it; it's you writing Twilight writing it.

How do you do it, Princess? I know you've been to battle—faced loss so many more times than I. Does it wear on you the same? Do you weep uncontrollably into your pillow, even as the brightness of day shines through the window? Do you hear the victory parade outside celebrating your success, yet find yourself hiding in the cellar? Is this what it's like to win?

This might be nitpicky, but I think you veered too much into poetic territory. It's not natural-sounding, and I don't think you're getting much value adding it here. She's talking about crying into her bed and crying uncontrollably; what does a cellar have to do with that thought?

So why doesn't it feel like it? Why can I think of nothing but how close I came to losing everything; to losing everypony!

You know, because of this particular sentence, I went and looked at the history of italics to see if it could actually work in handwriting (or hoofwriting or hornwriting or what-have-you). This is more because it personally bothers me to see italics in epistolary, and not because of any sort of rules. Short answer (for me, at least): italics were a specific way to print works back in the 16th century, and took on their meaning of emphasizing important words later on. So for me, italics in non-typed epistolary (like this one) doesn't work, but that's a very minor nitpick.

It's the pressure. It must be the pressure. How can so much depend on one awkward, nervous librarian! I'm nopony! I don't even known what I'm doing most of the time. I freak out about overdue books! I almost destroyed the timeline because of homework! How can so much possibly depend on me?!

Now here's where I think the epistolary is done well. The entire paragraph is a free, unfettered confession of her thoughts, still trying to maintain rationality while coming to grips with her inner thoughts. The underlined parts drive it home, and this is what I love about confession moments; you see things that have lingered on someone's mind for a while get wrapped within an internal conflict, adding to the despair the character's feeling. You probably could've done without the "it's the pressure. It must've been the pressure," and dived immediately into questioning herself; I feel the mention of pressure is an attempt on the author's part to rationalize it, fettering it unnecessarily.

I landed, there in the ashes of my old home. And I wept. Oh, how I wept. I cried so long I began to wonder if it was genuinely possible to run out of tears. Could a pony actually cry so hard that her tear ducts broke? Distracted by the question, I stood up, thinking to retrieve a biology book I shelved a few weeks ago. Then I remembered where I was and there was a catch in my throat as my hooves again felt unsteady beneath me. But curiosity overwhelmed sadness, and I began to dig in the ashes anyway.

A minor complaint, but I think using "sadness" here puts this moment a little bit in the observation point of view (her curiosity overwhelmed her sadness) and less on the immediate moment (my curiosity overwhelmed me). I'm not sure if I got that across well.

Nothing.

Will.

Break!!

I have to agree with >>FanOfMostEverything here: the double exclamation marks are distracting, and it does just seem like she wants to shout, shout, and let it all out. Well, these are the things I can do without. (tried adding a YouTube video here, but it didn't work. :()

I think that's everything about the style itself. It's small things like that that distract me from getting the full experience from your work. Epistolaries can be unfettered confessions of one's thoughts (in journal) or can express confidante (I don't mean confidence, even though that can also be expressed) and fear of saying too much (in letter). Writing this as a letter that may not be sent, in full confidence of their confidante, in place of a journal entry, and being so neat and observational in those places blunts the impact that the form can have.

Now, I don't want you thinking that I think it's all bad. Even though I think the form is flawed, the heart in the story is really strong. Your word choice and sentence order express a weariness from all of the sadness and anger she's felt, and it's consistently held up. I like the order it went through, from confessing that she's sad, to wondering how Celestia feels in the face of such pressure, to going off and facing her sadness. Each moment is drawn out and given enough time to develop Twilight's feelings.

How do you do it, Princess? I know you've been to battle—faced loss so many more times than I. Does it wear on you the same? Do you weep uncontrollably into your pillow, even as the brightness of day shines through the window? Do you hear the victory parade outside celebrating your success, yet find yourself hiding in the cellar? Is this what it's like to win?

I won. I know I did.

I won. Tirek is locked away.

I won! My friends are all safe.

I WON!!!!

So why doesn't it feel like it? Why can I think of nothing but how close I came to losing everything; to losing everypony! Tirek almost killed you, almost killed Luna, Cadance, my friends... He almost killed us all. He was this close to victory. Had I failed to dodge just one magic blast, one thrown boulder... one single mistake, and I would have died, and everything and everypony I cared about would likely have died with me.

It's the pressure. It must be the pressure. How can so much depend on one awkward, nervous librarian! I'm nopony! I don't even known what I'm doing most of the time. I freak out about overdue books! I almost destroyed the timeline because of homework! How can so much possibly depend on me?!

By the way, going back and bolding/litalicizing things when I cope-paste things is a right pain. XD

Anyway, I think this is a particularly good scene. Twilight incrementally attempts to convince herself that she was victorious, each moment using a greater weight and more frantic tactic, but in the end she confesses that she doesn't feel like it. She compares her suffering to Celestia's, simultaneously drawing her mentor closer to her in her mind while also implying that she perhaps shouldn't be so worked up about being victorious. The prose is a bit flowery for my tastes, and there are some odd word uses (all of which are bolded for you to consider). But this, in particular, uses the right words, the right moments of stress, and stays true to the epistolary form.

The major power behind the tone of this story is how weary everything sounds. Except for when it's fettered by odd word choices and punctuation, your word choice meanders from thought to thought while still moving at a brisk pace. The word choice is personal, not too complicated (most of the time), and, I think most importantly, encompasses Twilight's perception of the scope of her actions. From focusing on herself to focusing on everything, to once again allowing herself to focus on herself, was a nice sandwiching, and I appreciate that in this story, we got to feel the weight of what happened at every moment. You were on point in terms of emotion! :)

With that being said, I did feel that there were word choices (yes, again with that) that interfered with the above. I didn't bring it up before because these don't interfere with the form; they interfere with the message.

I... I broke down in tears a moment ago, as my usual outlet for cathartic writing is my journal. But as I rose from the bed in this cold and sterile new castle, I remembered my journal burned to ashes along with the rest of my home.

"Cold and sterile," especially sterile, seems like it's trying to force a negative view of the castle only so the old home can be seen positively. And this may be a nitpick, but using "as" as you did, it brings to light that Twilight's crying for catharsis WAY TOO EARLY. This is a big problem with your story in general, the biggest one as far as I'm concerned: it tries to show us the power of tears, but does it too spread out. The big moment is when she's faced with her destroyed home, and then cries for catharsis: doing it here, and then saying that it's for catharsis, weakens the moment.

At least in my opinion.

All the fear and doubt and rage and anger and sadness of the past few days feels like it just came flooding back all at once.

This has a nice cadence to it. :)

Is that how it's supposed to work? We bottle up those feelings when we can't afford to endure them, but have to pay for it later in tears?

I feel like "afford to" cheapens the confusion that Twilight is probably feeling; it makes it too clear that she couldn't afford to let herself be sad or angry in the heat of battle, and can be that way alone. That's true, but it interferes with her desire to feel victorious and glad that her friends and family and everything is safe. It takes attention away from that.

Is this what it's like to win?

I don't understand why she's asking this. She says later that she doesn't feel like she's winning; besides, Celestia's lost things and ponies before, and Twilight didn't. It can be written off as a heat-of-the-moment comment, and I can let that slide, but please consider this: Is Twilight's victory with no losses and with the possibility of losing really aptly comparable to Celestia's winning with losses? It may be, but I don't think so.

Then I remembered where I was and there was a catch in my throat as my hooves again felt unsteady beneath me.

I like this immediacy. :)

Against all odds, a few tomes survived, among them, "Salty Sea's Synopsis of the Sinuses." The outer pages were ruined with water damage, but the section I needed was still legible.

I really like the subtle symbolism here. With everything burned to ashes, the thing she needed was damaged... with water. It was still protected, presumably by water! What are the odds? It shows that water, be it regular water or tears, can be healing. There may be damage on the outside, but what is inside is still functional. The water just needs to be gotten past.

Super kudos to you!

If I were to offer up one final nitpick, I would recommend staying away from the multiple exclamation marks next to one another. I don't know if they can be effectively used together (even though I actually have mental rules for using multiple exclamation marks and the order of interrobangs, because I'm a weirdo), but it takes the intense moments of emotional expression and, in my eyes, makes them seem emo. It may be applicable in certain situations, but I couldn't tell you where. It doesn't work here, though.

And those are my thoughts and observations. The meat of the story is very nice, the consistency of sentences and time devoted to each moment is appreciative, and the catharsis is nice to read. The "flaws" in summary were impersonal, too-technical and passionless word and punctuation choices, some flowery phrases, and revealing the answer way too early, thus blunting the impact of the big moment (where she breaks down). Still, this doesn't completely ruin it. It's not the strongest or tightest story I've read here, but it still has a very good heart, and I would recommend an expansion of it, should you wish to do so.

And once again, please don't be discouraged if you're prone to being so. These are merely my observations, take them with a grain of salt.

Convenient that she found a book on the same specific subject matter she was thinking about when most of her library got kablooweed.

Oh, but that's a nitpick, and I won't hold it against the story.

Actually, yeah, I agree with DevoteeToJustAboutTotality. The ending doesn't feel like Twilight's overcoming an emotional hurdle. She sounds more broken than when the story started. I think it's the way it's written; it comes across like a breakdown, and "nothing will break" like a madness mantra.

Is that what you were going for? Because we see in the show that she isn't over the loss of her home by a longshot (until her friends uproot the stump and shove it in her living room), so if you wanted her to come away from this experience in a worse position than when she started out, I guess you accomplished that. And that is a legitimate direction to take things in this story. Perfectly in character, too.

But I doubt it. If you're going to revise, it's that last part you want to focus on.

I actually liked the ending, especially the double exclamation marks.
On the other hand... the ending reads almost like Twilight is feeling elated and joyous at her discovery, which probably wasn't what you were going for (I understand you meant this to be an echo of the earlier "I won!!!", i.e. Twilight yelling at herself in frustration, attempting to overcome her own mental hurdle.)

This is good, but writing a letter about crying is a telly way to give emotion. It would be much harder to write some of this in normal prose form and show us what Twilight is experiencing, but ultimately I think it would be more impactful.

I don't think it's wrong to make this a letter, mind you: I just don't think the entire thing should be tell. You can intersperse letter and scene, and this could end up a lot stronger that way.

Genre: Friendship letter, give or take

Thoughts: I agree with some of the other thoughts about tightening up the text here and making it more letter-like. I thought it worked pretty well regardless, though. My biggest quibble is that the end seems overly emphatic and I don't understand why that should make sense. Without that, or with a slightly tweaked ending, it would stand pretty well.

Tier: Almost There

You had me with the title.
You had me with the story.
The repetition at the end didn't work.

But it's still a good story, with a decent moral. Though since she was fighting against the concept of crying, maybe the title should have been "big mares don't cry." (They don't cry-y-y)

>>FanOfMostEverything
Cmon, I'm talking to you, cmon.

I like the concept this is pushing, the idea that we trade "fears for tears... at some later time." The execution is a bit rough though. The pacing is a tad odd, as there are clearly three sections, where Twilight presumably walked way and returned later to continue, yet... in letter form, it's difficult to tell how much or how little time may have passed. We also can't see if Twilight's attitude changes between those. It looks like the author overcompensates a bit, getting too "telly" with the emotions as Trick_Question said. Overall, not too bad though, but needs some polish.

Its okay. An interesting look at how Twilight feels

The Great

An interesting take on a, fundamentally, naval gazey story. Solid emotional piece, though.

The Rough

The end, in my opinion, kind of falls apart. I think it works way too hard to force the concept and callbacks to tears.

I'm not sure I buy the unusual punctuation (multi-exclamation marks, etc) and the like from Twilight. Even upset, it seems like she'd be more... formal in her writing?