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Twelve Steps in Tartarus
Tartarus. Stygian abyss within which no sane soul dared tread. Yet, deep within the black pits, far below the spouting magma vents and toxic sulfurous air, a lone shadow crept forth. Slow, unsteady, carefully making their way between rough-hewn onyx walls. Hoofsteps echoed down the central spire, towards a black cave lit within by eerie emerald corpselight torches.
It was to this cave the figure skulked, wearing but a cloak, only glowing ruby coals to mark its eyes. Slow, measured steps into the flickering interior, wherein shadows danced upon the walls, wherein the low howls of the Wardens turned to echoing thunder to those below.
The path was a long, winding passage. The traveller made their way deeper, till coming to a closed, wooden door. Simple, unadorned, and quite out of place with the rest. A hand rose upwards, curled into a fist, and rapped thrice upon the wood.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
Hinges squealed in protest as the door opened, and a capric head peered forth. “Who dares trespass upon-...Oh. Hello, Tirek. Well, come in, then.”
Lord Tirek drew back his hood to expose his sunken features. “And well met to you, Grogar of Tambelon. How many more are to come?”
The old goat pulled the door fully open. A chamber waited, containing within the greatest of evils Equestria had ever known. The Shade of Sombra. The mad Archlich Nok’Toth. The thousand-tentacled deepfisher, Angoliant. The enchantress Lady Katrina, who turned her slitted emerald eyes upon Tirek, and bade him come forth. Above them all loomed the fallen dragon lord Shatterfang the Terrible, betrayer of his people. A half-dozen familiar faces, and one other. One Tirek did not recognize. A writhing mass of deep shadows whose innards flashed in octarine storms, one to rival Shatterfang in size.
“You are the last to arrive,” said Grogar.
“You have purrfect timing, Tirek,” lilted Katrina, “For we were just about to begin without you."
“Not all of us have your grace and speed, Lady Katrina. The Wardens have taken great interest in this region, today, and so I found myself...delayed.”
“No matter,” came a deep, bass rumble to vibrate the bones themselves. Shatterfang leaned his head downwards, and leered, exposing legions of gleaming fangs. “For we have a newcomer amongst us, today. He shall begin this meeting, and so I call this, the fourteenth Gathering to order.”
All heads turned towards the shifting shadows, which drew tightly upon themselves. Out slithered a bulbous, dripping, reptilian head, a dozen eyestalks and three drooling mouths dripping acid that hissed as it ate into the stone below.
“I am Hak’Tak the Ancient, Traveller Between the Void, Devourer of the Just, the Last Dirge, and this is the tale of how I was to consume this world.”
The unnatural storm gathered about the boiling lake as Hak’Tak dragged his great slimy bulk free of the void between realities. Within a hundred yards of him, all light died away, dragged into his shadows to be devoured as fuel for unnatural magics. This pitiful world would be but a morsel amidst the dozens he had already devoured! The inhabitants were but peaceful creatures and he would relish their screams as he consumed their souls and sucked the marrow from their skeletons! Already, the sky rained blood and -
Something struck upon the slimy scales of his brow. He turned his terrible gaze downwards, to induce insanity within whatever impudent mortal dared stand against him. There was but one lone, pink, pony who stood there, and stared back.
“So!” she growled at him. Hak'Tak did not understand! Where was the fear? The maddened begging? The screaming? “So! I bet you think this is an important day for us, don’t you? Well, let me tell you something, mister! Perhaps last time, your arrival was the most significant event in that world’s history. Perhaps the day you crossed their path was the most important day of their life. But for me? It is Tuesday. My name is Pinkie Pie. And you? Because of you, I haven't had time for breakfast!”
That was the last thing Hak’Tak the Ancient remembered before, for the first time in his ageless aeons of existence, he knew pain.
“And the next thing I recall, I was here,” he finished. “My name is Hak’Tak the Ancient, and I too have been felled by the Elements of Harmony.”
“Hi, Hak’Tak the Ancient,” chorused the choir of would-be world-enders, conquerers, and other assorted evils. “Welcome to Archvillains Anonymous.”
It was to this cave the figure skulked, wearing but a cloak, only glowing ruby coals to mark its eyes. Slow, measured steps into the flickering interior, wherein shadows danced upon the walls, wherein the low howls of the Wardens turned to echoing thunder to those below.
The path was a long, winding passage. The traveller made their way deeper, till coming to a closed, wooden door. Simple, unadorned, and quite out of place with the rest. A hand rose upwards, curled into a fist, and rapped thrice upon the wood.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
Hinges squealed in protest as the door opened, and a capric head peered forth. “Who dares trespass upon-...Oh. Hello, Tirek. Well, come in, then.”
Lord Tirek drew back his hood to expose his sunken features. “And well met to you, Grogar of Tambelon. How many more are to come?”
The old goat pulled the door fully open. A chamber waited, containing within the greatest of evils Equestria had ever known. The Shade of Sombra. The mad Archlich Nok’Toth. The thousand-tentacled deepfisher, Angoliant. The enchantress Lady Katrina, who turned her slitted emerald eyes upon Tirek, and bade him come forth. Above them all loomed the fallen dragon lord Shatterfang the Terrible, betrayer of his people. A half-dozen familiar faces, and one other. One Tirek did not recognize. A writhing mass of deep shadows whose innards flashed in octarine storms, one to rival Shatterfang in size.
“You are the last to arrive,” said Grogar.
“You have purrfect timing, Tirek,” lilted Katrina, “For we were just about to begin without you."
“Not all of us have your grace and speed, Lady Katrina. The Wardens have taken great interest in this region, today, and so I found myself...delayed.”
“No matter,” came a deep, bass rumble to vibrate the bones themselves. Shatterfang leaned his head downwards, and leered, exposing legions of gleaming fangs. “For we have a newcomer amongst us, today. He shall begin this meeting, and so I call this, the fourteenth Gathering to order.”
All heads turned towards the shifting shadows, which drew tightly upon themselves. Out slithered a bulbous, dripping, reptilian head, a dozen eyestalks and three drooling mouths dripping acid that hissed as it ate into the stone below.
“I am Hak’Tak the Ancient, Traveller Between the Void, Devourer of the Just, the Last Dirge, and this is the tale of how I was to consume this world.”
The unnatural storm gathered about the boiling lake as Hak’Tak dragged his great slimy bulk free of the void between realities. Within a hundred yards of him, all light died away, dragged into his shadows to be devoured as fuel for unnatural magics. This pitiful world would be but a morsel amidst the dozens he had already devoured! The inhabitants were but peaceful creatures and he would relish their screams as he consumed their souls and sucked the marrow from their skeletons! Already, the sky rained blood and -
Something struck upon the slimy scales of his brow. He turned his terrible gaze downwards, to induce insanity within whatever impudent mortal dared stand against him. There was but one lone, pink, pony who stood there, and stared back.
“So!” she growled at him. Hak'Tak did not understand! Where was the fear? The maddened begging? The screaming? “So! I bet you think this is an important day for us, don’t you? Well, let me tell you something, mister! Perhaps last time, your arrival was the most significant event in that world’s history. Perhaps the day you crossed their path was the most important day of their life. But for me? It is Tuesday. My name is Pinkie Pie. And you? Because of you, I haven't had time for breakfast!”
That was the last thing Hak’Tak the Ancient remembered before, for the first time in his ageless aeons of existence, he knew pain.
“And the next thing I recall, I was here,” he finished. “My name is Hak’Tak the Ancient, and I too have been felled by the Elements of Harmony.”
“Hi, Hak’Tak the Ancient,” chorused the choir of would-be world-enders, conquerers, and other assorted evils. “Welcome to Archvillains Anonymous.”
Genre: Easily prone to spoilers
Thoughts: I love the OTT moodiness of the framing story's prose. If I could bottle that stuff, I'd drink from it regularly. I love the name-drop of "octarine". I was deeply concerned when the flashback began, because there's just no room for that sort of thing in a minific! But it wound up working beautifully.
There are a handful of grammatical oddities that could use attention; things that don't detract from the overall feeling, but that read a little bit funky. The part with the pony in the flashback came very, very close to not working... I can't describe the situation without spoiling everything, and there is literally no other character who could plausibly work there. But in the end, I have to admit that it works, if only by milking that character for all they're worth. And in making that scene work, the rest of it falls into place.
Bravo, author.
Tier: Top contender
Thoughts: I love the OTT moodiness of the framing story's prose. If I could bottle that stuff, I'd drink from it regularly. I love the name-drop of "octarine". I was deeply concerned when the flashback began, because there's just no room for that sort of thing in a minific! But it wound up working beautifully.
There are a handful of grammatical oddities that could use attention; things that don't detract from the overall feeling, but that read a little bit funky. The part with the pony in the flashback came very, very close to not working... I can't describe the situation without spoiling everything, and there is literally no other character who could plausibly work there. But in the end, I have to admit that it works, if only by milking that character for all they're worth. And in making that scene work, the rest of it falls into place.
Bravo, author.
Tier: Top contender
I saw this joke coming too soon. The like where Hak’Tak first spoke gave away what was going on, ruining the punchline. Though, frankly, I’ve seen this gag too many times for it to have any real impact anymore without some new twist on it. Villains just meeting up like this is kind of old hat.
Pinkie Pie going on a “For me, it was Tuesday” rant was mildly amusing, but… that was about it.
The best thing about this was the descriptions, which were good and created a nice bit of contrast. But the fact that the story was a comedy ended up being revealed too soon, and the punchlines consequently didn’t end up landing.
Pinkie Pie going on a “For me, it was Tuesday” rant was mildly amusing, but… that was about it.
The best thing about this was the descriptions, which were good and created a nice bit of contrast. But the fact that the story was a comedy ended up being revealed too soon, and the punchlines consequently didn’t end up landing.
I quite like the blend of original, G1, and G4 villains, and I’m a sucker for over-the-top language emphasizing the fell and eldritch. Still, Pinkie channeling M. Bison felt like the wrong flavor of silly. I think a condescending or obliviously cheerful Pinkie would work better than a cranky one, even she has missed the most important meal of the day.
Still, that’s at least partially personal preference. Taken as a whole, this was a lot of overdramatic fun.
Still, that’s at least partially personal preference. Taken as a whole, this was a lot of overdramatic fun.
This is cute, and pink poni best poni. :pinkiehappy:
However, I'm not sure it flowed properly, and the ending didn't bring anything new I didn't gather from the start. Putting the twist in the title makes it too obvious.
I also get the feeling that there are a bunch of references here I don't get. I had to Google to get Discworld and read TD's comment for Street Fighter, etc.
That's hard to read as figurative.
However, I'm not sure it flowed properly, and the ending didn't bring anything new I didn't gather from the start. Putting the twist in the title makes it too obvious.
I also get the feeling that there are a bunch of references here I don't get. I had to Google to get Discworld and read TD's comment for Street Fighter, etc.
...only glowing ruby coals to mark its eyes...
That's hard to read as figurative.
OTT and amusing, but I agree with the others: This story reveals its hand far too early.
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for sharing!
Twelve Steps in Tartarus - B - Starts with good descriptions but poor passive voice. I’m torn. Actually writing out the ‘knocks’ is a bit of a ding too, but one I’m guilty of. The ending telegraphs forward about half-way through, which *could* be used intentionally for drama, but it really seems to fall flat. Nice work on the villains, though.
I'm going to be "that guy" and say that I actually really liked this fic. The whole start-up of the fic as taking place within Tartarus and being a meeting between villains was interesting, and I thought the new fiend was a pretty neat character in concept (maybe not in character though). But what I really liked was how serious the story starts out, with the villains acting so in-character and Hak'Tak basically being living nightmare fuel that devours Equestria single-handedly. It's a pretty creepy description and I was actually waiting for the apocalypse to happen...
...and then Pinkie showed up to defeat the evil.
It's such a bizarre change in tone, that I couldn't help but laugh. It can be risky to spend most of a story building up to one joke, but I feel like this pulled it off decently enough. The stuff after that was kind of "meh", but in the end, I enjoyed reading this.
...and then Pinkie showed up to defeat the evil.
It's such a bizarre change in tone, that I couldn't help but laugh. It can be risky to spend most of a story building up to one joke, but I feel like this pulled it off decently enough. The stuff after that was kind of "meh", but in the end, I enjoyed reading this.
>>libertydude
Don't worry; I outed my views on it a while ago, so we can both be "that guy" together. :-p
Don't worry; I outed my views on it a while ago, so we can both be "that guy" together. :-p