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One Night Stand
"No joshing? Y'er a prince?" The mare seemed somewhat intrigued. Not the reaction I expected to get at a dump such as this. Usually, I'd be halfway home by now getting ready to spend a wild night with my catch. This one was making me work for it.
"Definitely." I gave the bartender a sign to bring her another glass of whatever muck she was drinking. Personally, I didn't touch the stuff. Club drinks tasted like piss.
"Cheers to ya, love!" she said. I could smell the alcohol in her breath. Gotta love party mares, always so eager and ready for a good time. The earth ones were the best by far. I remember reading that it was linked to their nature. Unicorns had magic, pegasi had flight, earth ponies had an insatiable sex drive. I was no scholar, but from what I'd seen that much was true.
I watched as the mare took the glass with her lips and downed it in one go. Niiice! Tonight sure is going to be fun!
"What about you?" I signaled to the bartender to serve her another.
"No bloody princess 'nymore!" She gulped the glass down seconds after it was filled.
"I meant where are you from?" I clarified. If you're a princess, then I'm an alicorn. But colt do you have nice curves... Far better than those scrawny unicorn supermodels. I've no idea what everypony sees in them. Bad in bed as a griffin virgin, and with an attitude to match. At least they weren't as emotional as the pegasi. Take one to bed and she’s got it in her head that you've proposed to her. No amount of fun is worth that, even if I do get to do it two feet above the covers.
"Trottny born an' raised," she replied tapping on the glass with her hoof. Well, don't you like to take the initiative? The problem with those was that they were too much of a hit-or-miss. Some of the best sex I had was with a drill sergeant on leave. A "hello" was all it took for her to get the message. She also had a lot of stamina, for a uni. Pity she got transferred out of Canterlot.
"Leave the bottle," I told the bartender. There was a moment's hesitation, but a few hundred bits quickly made him see things my way. I had invested too much time in this mare to let her go. "Allow me," I levitated the bottle towards her empty glass.
"Be'er no', love." Her hoof pressed against my horn. "Ain't worth messin' a pre'y face like yers."
I stared at her. What had just happened? Nopony had ever done this to me before, not even when drunk, and definitely not after I'd mentioned I was a prince. Why did she react this way? Mares walking off, I could understand. Mares changing their mind about a free drink at a bar like this... that seemed unusual.
"Y'er up for a shag, yea'?" She pushed her empty glass to the side. I nodded. "Same. I wan' 'a enjoy i', no' break ye. No' much fun there, am I righ'?" She slapped her flank against mine. One might say it was her hitting on me. Not that I complained. It was good to try new things. "Wha' they call ya, love?"
"Blueblood," I smiled, the first real smile I'd had in ages. To think I'd reserve it for a half-drunk mare in a rundown bar. Still, there was something elusive about her, something intriguing.
"I'm Octavia bloody Melody," she said, as if that was supposed to mean something to me. Nice name, though I wouldn't never have taken her for an Octavia. Names like that came with at least two inches of snobbery attached. "Be a love an' wai' a bi' for me. Go'a 'ake a piss."
And there we have it. Another night, another mare. I was already curious to see how this one would do. Better than the last one, hopefully. That one had been a huge disappointment. Just as I was preparing to go, the bartender slammed a six-pack of energy drinks on the counter in front of me.
"I didn't order that." I pointed at the canned sludge with disgust.
"Buddy, you'll need all the help you can get." The bartender gave me a sly smirk. "You've no idea what you've gotten yourself into..."
"Definitely." I gave the bartender a sign to bring her another glass of whatever muck she was drinking. Personally, I didn't touch the stuff. Club drinks tasted like piss.
"Cheers to ya, love!" she said. I could smell the alcohol in her breath. Gotta love party mares, always so eager and ready for a good time. The earth ones were the best by far. I remember reading that it was linked to their nature. Unicorns had magic, pegasi had flight, earth ponies had an insatiable sex drive. I was no scholar, but from what I'd seen that much was true.
I watched as the mare took the glass with her lips and downed it in one go. Niiice! Tonight sure is going to be fun!
"What about you?" I signaled to the bartender to serve her another.
"No bloody princess 'nymore!" She gulped the glass down seconds after it was filled.
"I meant where are you from?" I clarified. If you're a princess, then I'm an alicorn. But colt do you have nice curves... Far better than those scrawny unicorn supermodels. I've no idea what everypony sees in them. Bad in bed as a griffin virgin, and with an attitude to match. At least they weren't as emotional as the pegasi. Take one to bed and she’s got it in her head that you've proposed to her. No amount of fun is worth that, even if I do get to do it two feet above the covers.
"Trottny born an' raised," she replied tapping on the glass with her hoof. Well, don't you like to take the initiative? The problem with those was that they were too much of a hit-or-miss. Some of the best sex I had was with a drill sergeant on leave. A "hello" was all it took for her to get the message. She also had a lot of stamina, for a uni. Pity she got transferred out of Canterlot.
"Leave the bottle," I told the bartender. There was a moment's hesitation, but a few hundred bits quickly made him see things my way. I had invested too much time in this mare to let her go. "Allow me," I levitated the bottle towards her empty glass.
"Be'er no', love." Her hoof pressed against my horn. "Ain't worth messin' a pre'y face like yers."
I stared at her. What had just happened? Nopony had ever done this to me before, not even when drunk, and definitely not after I'd mentioned I was a prince. Why did she react this way? Mares walking off, I could understand. Mares changing their mind about a free drink at a bar like this... that seemed unusual.
"Y'er up for a shag, yea'?" She pushed her empty glass to the side. I nodded. "Same. I wan' 'a enjoy i', no' break ye. No' much fun there, am I righ'?" She slapped her flank against mine. One might say it was her hitting on me. Not that I complained. It was good to try new things. "Wha' they call ya, love?"
"Blueblood," I smiled, the first real smile I'd had in ages. To think I'd reserve it for a half-drunk mare in a rundown bar. Still, there was something elusive about her, something intriguing.
"I'm Octavia bloody Melody," she said, as if that was supposed to mean something to me. Nice name, though I wouldn't never have taken her for an Octavia. Names like that came with at least two inches of snobbery attached. "Be a love an' wai' a bi' for me. Go'a 'ake a piss."
And there we have it. Another night, another mare. I was already curious to see how this one would do. Better than the last one, hopefully. That one had been a huge disappointment. Just as I was preparing to go, the bartender slammed a six-pack of energy drinks on the counter in front of me.
"I didn't order that." I pointed at the canned sludge with disgust.
"Buddy, you'll need all the help you can get." The bartender gave me a sly smirk. "You've no idea what you've gotten yourself into..."
Genre: First chapter of a clop?
Thoughts: The stallion is lecherous. The mare is, for some reason, into it. There's precious little story here, beyond the prelude to a letch, and recollections of letches past. Even so, the quality of the prose keeps it interesting and compelling throughout. I find myself wanting to see what happens next, even though I might not really want to see what's likely to happen. If an extended version was to subvert that expectation, I could see this being the beginning of something interesting. But either way, as currently presented, I have to ding this somewhat for feeling a bit incomplete as a story.
Tier: Upper-end of Almost there
Thoughts: The stallion is lecherous. The mare is, for some reason, into it. There's precious little story here, beyond the prelude to a letch, and recollections of letches past. Even so, the quality of the prose keeps it interesting and compelling throughout. I find myself wanting to see what happens next, even though I might not really want to see what's likely to happen. If an extended version was to subvert that expectation, I could see this being the beginning of something interesting. But either way, as currently presented, I have to ding this somewhat for feeling a bit incomplete as a story.
Tier: Upper-end of Almost there
This story really shows the danger with going too far with accents – it took me until the mare’s name to realize it was Octavia because the accent was written far too thickly, and it also somewhat compromised the readability of the text.
There were some interesting bits here – Blueblood’s thoughts about past conquests were okay – but frankly, I’m not sure why you used Blueblood because the Blueblood in the show had class. He was a total jerk, of course, but he didn’t quite fit with his characterization here. Yes, I realize that there are marvelous stories with Blueblood as a lecherous asshole (see also: [url= https://www.fimfiction.net/story/207121/the-18th-brewmare-of-bluey-napoleon]The 18th Brewmare of Bluey Napoleon[/url]) but he didn’t come off with quite the right sort of pretentious lecherous assholery that I would expect from Blueblood.
I dunno. This didn’t really do it for me. The characters might as well have been OCs for all the use they made of the characters as we have seen them on the show, so I’m not sure what the point was here, as it didn't seem to go anywhere in the end.
There were some interesting bits here – Blueblood’s thoughts about past conquests were okay – but frankly, I’m not sure why you used Blueblood because the Blueblood in the show had class. He was a total jerk, of course, but he didn’t quite fit with his characterization here. Yes, I realize that there are marvelous stories with Blueblood as a lecherous asshole (see also: [url= https://www.fimfiction.net/story/207121/the-18th-brewmare-of-bluey-napoleon]The 18th Brewmare of Bluey Napoleon[/url]) but he didn’t come off with quite the right sort of pretentious lecherous assholery that I would expect from Blueblood.
I dunno. This didn’t really do it for me. The characters might as well have been OCs for all the use they made of the characters as we have seen them on the show, so I’m not sure what the point was here, as it didn't seem to go anywhere in the end.
I admit, I do find the different tribes’ behavior in bed to be a fascinating bit of world building. The narrative voice feels a bit too colloquial for Blueblood, but I suppose we are behind the mask. Who’s to say how he sounds in his own head?
Meanwhile, while Octchavia was a delightful surprise, her accent was at times almost too thick for comprehensibility. I suppose some of that is the drink, but still, dialing it back a bit would be a good idea. Also, I’d love to get more information about that “not a princess anymore” comment.
In all, not the best I’ve read thus far, but still highly enjoyable.
Meanwhile, while Octchavia was a delightful surprise, her accent was at times almost too thick for comprehensibility. I suppose some of that is the drink, but still, dialing it back a bit would be a good idea. Also, I’d love to get more information about that “not a princess anymore” comment.
In all, not the best I’ve read thus far, but still highly enjoyable.
Hmm. It's hard to know how to feel about this. Blueblood as a PUA is even more unlikeable than Blueblood the narcissist, and he's pretty rapey in this story. Cockneytavia is likewise very unpleasant. I'm not sure why telling mares he's a prince would work, because clearly he doesn't believe somepony is a princess, so why should ponies believe him?
I think the idea is I should find it humorous that presumably he's going to be oversexed by Octavia...? As if that's poetic justice for drugging/raping mares? The story doesn't convince me that Blueblood is actually in any trouble, and at the end of the story I haven't found a character I can identify with enough to care what happens to them. It's a nice idea but it's killed by character unlikeability (for me).
Cockneytavia FTW, though.
I think the idea is I should find it humorous that presumably he's going to be oversexed by Octavia...? As if that's poetic justice for drugging/raping mares? The story doesn't convince me that Blueblood is actually in any trouble, and at the end of the story I haven't found a character I can identify with enough to care what happens to them. It's a nice idea but it's killed by character unlikeability (for me).
Cockneytavia FTW, though.
I don't have too much to say that hasn't already been said. Octchavia was a neat surprise, and a subversion that really worked for me. I've actually just come out the other end of an Irvine Welsh marathon, and so the general sense of unpleasantness here didn't bother me too much either. On the contrary, it almost felt romantic. :trollestia: It was all a bit too one-dimensional to really hold my interest though.
Thanks for sharing your work!
Thanks for sharing your work!
I daresay there's not much wrong with this in principle, aside from the accent issue previous commentators have raised, but to me, this kind of story really doesn't fit the MLP setting or characters. Blueblood being like this = yuck. Nor do I have any affection for Cockneytavia.
If it had been an original minific or a fanfic for a world where this kind of behaviour made more sense, though, I'd really like it.
Sorry that as an MLP fic this one doesn't tick any of my boxes.
If it had been an original minific or a fanfic for a world where this kind of behaviour made more sense, though, I'd really like it.
Sorry that as an MLP fic this one doesn't tick any of my boxes.
The more I think about it, I think my single biggest quibble with this is the ending gag with the energy drinks. It's an attempt at humor, but it misfires badly IMO.
I'm not sure how to feel about this one. On the positive side, Blueblood the Malevolent Seductor of Inebriated Mares is an interesting interpretation of his character; I certainly haven't seen a fic that portrays him in this way, at least. I also kind of liked the descriptions of Blueblood's, er...former flings. It was so deliciously dickish and narcissistic that I couldn't help but shake my head at how much bigger of a tool Blueblood was here than in the show.
However, I have to say that Octavia's accent kind of bothered me. Not only is a lot thicker than what is seen in the show, it also felt exaggerated to the point that I could barely tell it was supposed to be her. I also think that the tone of the fic is a major inhibitor of the final piece. This story treads the line between "gloriously tasteless" to "dude, not funny" pretty tenuously (stories about borderline date rape often come off that way), but I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Maybe the story would've been stronger if it was either a drama about Blueblood's destructive attitude toward mares, or a humorous tale of Blueblood coming across a mare who'll be more than he can handle. Combining both attitudes just feels like the fic's not sure if it wants to be serious or silly, so I'm just left confused by the end result. Interesting character concept, but it needs a bit more tweaking.
However, I have to say that Octavia's accent kind of bothered me. Not only is a lot thicker than what is seen in the show, it also felt exaggerated to the point that I could barely tell it was supposed to be her. I also think that the tone of the fic is a major inhibitor of the final piece. This story treads the line between "gloriously tasteless" to "dude, not funny" pretty tenuously (stories about borderline date rape often come off that way), but I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Maybe the story would've been stronger if it was either a drama about Blueblood's destructive attitude toward mares, or a humorous tale of Blueblood coming across a mare who'll be more than he can handle. Combining both attitudes just feels like the fic's not sure if it wants to be serious or silly, so I'm just left confused by the end result. Interesting character concept, but it needs a bit more tweaking.