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Between Friends
“This is definitely it!” Twilight Sparkle declared, nerdish giddiness notching up the volume of her words as she levitated the jewel-bound tome toward her companion. A complex arrangement of crystal petals forming a flower roughly the size of a filly’s head was illustrated on the current page, visually identical in every respect to the curious artifact sitting on the table between them. It was even coloured accurately. “The Crystal Sun-Blossom.”
Rainbow Dash’s hooves tossed away another book into the “unhelpful” pile which Ms. Maresbury was slowly, but diligently, moving back to the Crystal Library’s shelves. The pegasus’ eyes grew wide. “Yeah, that’s it! Come on, Twiley, please tell me there’s a way to reverse this spell!”
“We don’t need to. It says here that the magic released by the Sun-Blossom will expire on its own at sunset on the same day it’s activated. You and Rainbow should be back to your own bodies in...” Twilight looked over to a nearby grandfather clock “...an hour-and-a-half.”
The other mare breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks, sis. This will make it... what? The fourth time you’ve saved my rump?”
The unicorn laughed gently. “I didn’t really do anything. I just found the information. You’re giving me credit I don’t really deserve, just like that time Spike saved the Crystal Heart.”
“You saved me from stressing out for the next hour-and-a-half,” the cyan-blue pony said, leaning over the table and tousling the other’s mane. “Well – mostly. You know, I’m still wondering if it was a good idea to let Rainbow Dash go off alone. You, know, in my body?”
Twilight shrugged. “She wouldn’t have been much help here, and she’s not a pony to stay cooped up, especially when she’s feeling a bit... freaked out. She just went to the race track for some exercise. Running helps her relax.”
“What if somepony tries to strike up a conversation with her?” The pegasus’ eyes suddenly widened. “Wait. Isn’t Rainbow fond of pulling pranks?”
“Hmm. That’s true...” Twilight pondered. She closed the book and stood. “Well, we’re done here; we can go find her. But come on, B.B.B.F.F., it’s Rainbow Dash. She’s not evil. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“I don’t know,” the other pony sighed, following. “I just hope she hasn’t gotten in over her head.”
“Heh. You mean over yours.”
The stallion opened his eyes. A confused gasp and some incoherent blubbering followed as he shook off the bucket’s-worth of ice water he’d just received, and, gaining some measure of awareness, noted with alarm that he was tied to a chair.
And that four crystal guards surrounded him, spears pointed menacingly.
Four more stood a ways away, nearly invisible outside the column of harsh light that bore down.
Directly in front of the prisoner was the Crystal Princess, her brows knitted and lips in a frown so deep she was practically snarling with her mouth closed.
“Hu-hu-h-h-hghhbbbb-ghaah,” the unicorn spat out, along with some water. Cold snot dripped from his nose. Still, he made an effort to look casual. “H-hi, there, Princess. Uh, I mean– Cadance, I mean, my wife Cadance, I, mean– uh... honey?” His eyes blinked innocently. “Uh, where am I?”
“Shut up,” Cadance said, instantly wiping the quivering smile from his muzzle. “And don’t ever call me that again if you value your life. Now, where is Shining Armor?!”
His eyes searched vainly for escape, while the ropes held firm against his struggling limbs. “What–what do you mean? Heheheh? I’m... Shining Armor.”
The sound of a slap echoed off the unseen walls. Even the guards flinched. “No. You’re not. He may be a geek, but my Shining Armor never calls me a...” Her features twisted in a confused disgust. “...‘bodacious babe’...”
“Umm, yeah, about that...”
“Silence!”
There was silence.
“Furthermore, my husband knows that the red wine on the top right shelf contains a sleeping potion – just in case some creature pretending to be one of us needs to be questioned. If you really were Shining Armor, you would have never drank it.”
“Okay, okay! I’m not your husband, but I can totally explain this!”
Cadance’s muzzle moved to a mere inch from Shining Armor’s, forcing his head back as far as it would go. “You’d better, changeling. Whatever your queen has planned, it’s not going to work. And you’d better tell me a story I can believe, or... this is going to get very unpleasant, very quickly.”
The stallion gulped. “Ah, ponyfeathers.”
Rainbow Dash’s hooves tossed away another book into the “unhelpful” pile which Ms. Maresbury was slowly, but diligently, moving back to the Crystal Library’s shelves. The pegasus’ eyes grew wide. “Yeah, that’s it! Come on, Twiley, please tell me there’s a way to reverse this spell!”
“We don’t need to. It says here that the magic released by the Sun-Blossom will expire on its own at sunset on the same day it’s activated. You and Rainbow should be back to your own bodies in...” Twilight looked over to a nearby grandfather clock “...an hour-and-a-half.”
The other mare breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks, sis. This will make it... what? The fourth time you’ve saved my rump?”
The unicorn laughed gently. “I didn’t really do anything. I just found the information. You’re giving me credit I don’t really deserve, just like that time Spike saved the Crystal Heart.”
“You saved me from stressing out for the next hour-and-a-half,” the cyan-blue pony said, leaning over the table and tousling the other’s mane. “Well – mostly. You know, I’m still wondering if it was a good idea to let Rainbow Dash go off alone. You, know, in my body?”
Twilight shrugged. “She wouldn’t have been much help here, and she’s not a pony to stay cooped up, especially when she’s feeling a bit... freaked out. She just went to the race track for some exercise. Running helps her relax.”
“What if somepony tries to strike up a conversation with her?” The pegasus’ eyes suddenly widened. “Wait. Isn’t Rainbow fond of pulling pranks?”
“Hmm. That’s true...” Twilight pondered. She closed the book and stood. “Well, we’re done here; we can go find her. But come on, B.B.B.F.F., it’s Rainbow Dash. She’s not evil. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“I don’t know,” the other pony sighed, following. “I just hope she hasn’t gotten in over her head.”
“Heh. You mean over yours.”
The stallion opened his eyes. A confused gasp and some incoherent blubbering followed as he shook off the bucket’s-worth of ice water he’d just received, and, gaining some measure of awareness, noted with alarm that he was tied to a chair.
And that four crystal guards surrounded him, spears pointed menacingly.
Four more stood a ways away, nearly invisible outside the column of harsh light that bore down.
Directly in front of the prisoner was the Crystal Princess, her brows knitted and lips in a frown so deep she was practically snarling with her mouth closed.
“Hu-hu-h-h-hghhbbbb-ghaah,” the unicorn spat out, along with some water. Cold snot dripped from his nose. Still, he made an effort to look casual. “H-hi, there, Princess. Uh, I mean– Cadance, I mean, my wife Cadance, I, mean– uh... honey?” His eyes blinked innocently. “Uh, where am I?”
“Shut up,” Cadance said, instantly wiping the quivering smile from his muzzle. “And don’t ever call me that again if you value your life. Now, where is Shining Armor?!”
His eyes searched vainly for escape, while the ropes held firm against his struggling limbs. “What–what do you mean? Heheheh? I’m... Shining Armor.”
The sound of a slap echoed off the unseen walls. Even the guards flinched. “No. You’re not. He may be a geek, but my Shining Armor never calls me a...” Her features twisted in a confused disgust. “...‘bodacious babe’...”
“Umm, yeah, about that...”
“Silence!”
There was silence.
“Furthermore, my husband knows that the red wine on the top right shelf contains a sleeping potion – just in case some creature pretending to be one of us needs to be questioned. If you really were Shining Armor, you would have never drank it.”
“Okay, okay! I’m not your husband, but I can totally explain this!”
Cadance’s muzzle moved to a mere inch from Shining Armor’s, forcing his head back as far as it would go. “You’d better, changeling. Whatever your queen has planned, it’s not going to work. And you’d better tell me a story I can believe, or... this is going to get very unpleasant, very quickly.”
The stallion gulped. “Ah, ponyfeathers.”
Given what’s going on in the beginning, I suppose a little lavender unicorn syndrome helps the slow build to realization, but this was definitely excessive. Given all of the indicators as to who was wearing Dash’s skin, you could've started using names by the second or third paragraph.
Meanwhile, the second scene falls into an uncomfortable space between tense and amusing. It’s a bit too cruel to be funny and I can think of too many ways to resolve it peacefully to worry about the outcome. This needs some refinement, but the base idea is pretty solid.
Meanwhile, the second scene falls into an uncomfortable space between tense and amusing. It’s a bit too cruel to be funny and I can think of too many ways to resolve it peacefully to worry about the outcome. This needs some refinement, but the base idea is pretty solid.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Eh. I see complaints about LUS so often I feel like it's way too automatic a criticism. I admit it's subjective, but I personally don't much like names being repeated back and forth. A bit of physical description, so long as it's not confusing, keeps the semantics fresh and efficiently reinforces the visual-physical feel of a scene. In this specific case, I'm not too bothered by it.
My issue with this story is that one of the two halves should be shorter. As it is, the second scene is a punchline that is way too drawn out and overstays its welcome, to the point of becoming awkward. Still, I can appreciate what it's doing; it's just rather clunky at it.
I can also see this working with the second scene given first, then a couple of paragraphs of the first scene to give the ending punchline.
Eh. I see complaints about LUS so often I feel like it's way too automatic a criticism. I admit it's subjective, but I personally don't much like names being repeated back and forth. A bit of physical description, so long as it's not confusing, keeps the semantics fresh and efficiently reinforces the visual-physical feel of a scene. In this specific case, I'm not too bothered by it.
My issue with this story is that one of the two halves should be shorter. As it is, the second scene is a punchline that is way too drawn out and overstays its welcome, to the point of becoming awkward. Still, I can appreciate what it's doing; it's just rather clunky at it.
I can also see this working with the second scene given first, then a couple of paragraphs of the first scene to give the ending punchline.
This is cute. It's a little confusing initially, because "the other mare" makes it sound like there is a third mare present, and you also mentioned the librarian, and it takes a while to reveal who is who. So try to make that less confusing I guess.
I didn't care for the mucus.
I didn't care for the mucus.
Genre: Cringe comedy
Thoughts: Egad, that's some plan, Rainbow.
I think this is trying to downplay the squickiness of Rainbow's plan by appealing to the potential humor of the intended victim having taken very specific precautions against this kind of depredation. But I dare say there isn't enough humor in that alone to keep this funny. I contrast this with One Night Stand, where the tone was more overtly sleazy, but the characters at least (kinda) made sense in that context and there was (kinda) still an element of... I dunno, is "consent" the word I'm looking for here?
I just couldn't make the jump to believing that Rainbow would do this. More to the point, the story didn't really do anything to help me make that jump. Looking past that, though, I think the latter part was quite a bit better executed than the opening. I had trouble keeping the speakers straight in the first part, while the second part was clearer and tighter.
Tier: Needs work
Thoughts: Egad, that's some plan, Rainbow.
I think this is trying to downplay the squickiness of Rainbow's plan by appealing to the potential humor of the intended victim having taken very specific precautions against this kind of depredation. But I dare say there isn't enough humor in that alone to keep this funny. I contrast this with One Night Stand, where the tone was more overtly sleazy, but the characters at least (kinda) made sense in that context and there was (kinda) still an element of... I dunno, is "consent" the word I'm looking for here?
I just couldn't make the jump to believing that Rainbow would do this. More to the point, the story didn't really do anything to help me make that jump. Looking past that, though, I think the latter part was quite a bit better executed than the opening. I had trouble keeping the speakers straight in the first part, while the second part was clearer and tighter.
Tier: Needs work
Frankly, I was expecting a more NSFW second part. The path you chose was a bit of a let-down.
The English is clunky, especially at start: “This is definitely it!” Twilight Sparkle declared, nerdish giddiness notching up the volume of her words as she levitated the jewel-bound tome toward her companion. A complex arrangement of crystal petals forming a flower roughly the size of a filly’s head was illustrated on the current page, visually identical in every respect to the curious artifact sitting on the table between them. It was even coloured accurately. “The Crystal Sun-Blossom.”
What is “nerdish giddiness” exactly? Also, “notching up the volume of her words” (don’t you have in store something more flowery? :P) and the second sentence sounds really awkward.
And most of all, I don’t get the premise. What’s this spell about? What’s the Crystal Sun-Blossom? How did they get in that tight spot in the first place?
The English is clunky, especially at start: “This is definitely it!” Twilight Sparkle declared, nerdish giddiness notching up the volume of her words as she levitated the jewel-bound tome toward her companion. A complex arrangement of crystal petals forming a flower roughly the size of a filly’s head was illustrated on the current page, visually identical in every respect to the curious artifact sitting on the table between them. It was even coloured accurately. “The Crystal Sun-Blossom.”
What is “nerdish giddiness” exactly? Also, “notching up the volume of her words” (don’t you have in store something more flowery? :P) and the second sentence sounds really awkward.
And most of all, I don’t get the premise. What’s this spell about? What’s the Crystal Sun-Blossom? How did they get in that tight spot in the first place?
I'm left with more questions than answers. I don't know if that's always a bad thing, but with this story it's not a good thing. The how's and the why's feel particularly underdeveloped, though perhaps that's partly due to time and word limits.
The punchline in the second part feels overlong, and I wonder whether it would better serve the story to have some of the tone-shifting sections cut and the words reinvested elsewhere. It's a neat premise, but given the setup I was hoping for a little more sparkling banter between Shining and Twilight, as well as some further context.
Not bad, but in my opinion needs some revision. Thanks for sharing your work.
The punchline in the second part feels overlong, and I wonder whether it would better serve the story to have some of the tone-shifting sections cut and the words reinvested elsewhere. It's a neat premise, but given the setup I was hoping for a little more sparkling banter between Shining and Twilight, as well as some further context.
Not bad, but in my opinion needs some revision. Thanks for sharing your work.
I agree with the others – the first half is a decent setup, but the second half, while it more or less went where I thought it might, didn’t quite deliver. That said, I don’t think it is necessarily too cruel so much as it just wasn’t funny enough in its cruelty. I think having more of a list of things that Rainbow Dash did wrong while trying to mack on Cadance (and a funnier description of the dire situation Rainbow Dash is in now) would be funnier.
Whoa. Mood whiplash! I'm going to agree with everyone else.. The beginning was good and a nice setup, but the second half went less funny and more serious / unpleasant... I don't find the second half to be 'squicky' as someone mentioned... We don't know where, why, or how RD ended up chatting with Cadence, or what her prank was intended to be... If was even planning a prank! She might have run into Cadence by chance, and decided to joke around...
And while there were some funny bits and lines in the second half... 'bodacious babe' heh.... It just came off as far too heavy, as opposed to the lighthearted comedy of the first half...
Truthfully, I expected the story to end with Shining Armor returned to his proper body... in some strange, humorous circumstances... Left trying to dig himself out of whatever hole Rainbow (accidentally?) left him in... ;>
And while there were some funny bits and lines in the second half... 'bodacious babe' heh.... It just came off as far too heavy, as opposed to the lighthearted comedy of the first half...
Truthfully, I expected the story to end with Shining Armor returned to his proper body... in some strange, humorous circumstances... Left trying to dig himself out of whatever hole Rainbow (accidentally?) left him in... ;>
Well, I can at least say I wrote one thing this year. That's a pretty low bar, but hey, it's something.
Really, this story came out of a sense that I wanted to write something for this writeoff, so it was in part forced. I picked out a random idea I had filed away in my brain's "maybe" file a while back, and figured out a way to make it match the prompt.
Immediately after starting to write I ran into problems. I initially saw this story as I "suggested" (>>Rolo); that is, with the interrogation being the bulk of the story and the switched-bodies explanation serving as the punchline that follows. Yet when I tried to write it, the punchline just grew into a full section of its own. The result was two scenes that were balanced in length - not what I had tried for, but something I though would still pass. I then switched the order of the scenes. The story went from "Yeah, this is a cool idea!" to "Eh, I guess this sorta works."
The comments here have enlightened me to another problem: The interrogation section is too squicky and humourless. I think it's the slap that does it. I paused when adding that in, but I figured a tiny bit of violence would make for good spice. Seems not. I think it may have worked better in the original scene order, going from serious to funny, while the inverse just leaves the reader uncomfortable.
The submission was disappointing from the start, though as with all my writing, I did grow more fond of it. Call it narcissism. I'm surprised that I made finals with this, yet sad that it ended up ranked so low. It's all a weird mix. Nevertheless, I thank everyone who commented or voted.
>>CoffeeMinion
Really, geez, Rainbow wasn't trying to rape Cadance! She just saw an opportunity for a prank. Probably wanted to stuff some of Cadance's lingere into Shining's wardrobe or something lame like that. I guess I really failed at getting the tone right.
>>Monokeras
This comment, among others, leaves me feeling weird. It questions the very word choices that I like the most in my own writing. It's not the first time this has happened and (hopefully) won't be the last. No hard feelings, obviously, but that's not something I'm planning to change.
And the Crystal Sun-Blossom is a magic crystal flower-thing that switches ponies' bodies around. I didn't think it through much more than that. It could have been called "Magical Plot Device #187".
Nice job to everyone who participated. Congrats to the medalists. For whatever it's worth, my own top 6 favourite fics this time, in order:
Data Doesn't Lie by horizon (Really, only seventh place?! This was as close to perfection as it gets!)
The Sphinx by Cold in Gardez
The Lighthouse and the Sea by TheCyanRecluse
Shooting for the Moon by Trick_Question
The Apprentice by Cold in Gardez (Hey, buddy, not fair getting on this list twice!)
Threads by Ceffyl_Dwr
Really, this story came out of a sense that I wanted to write something for this writeoff, so it was in part forced. I picked out a random idea I had filed away in my brain's "maybe" file a while back, and figured out a way to make it match the prompt.
Immediately after starting to write I ran into problems. I initially saw this story as I "suggested" (>>Rolo); that is, with the interrogation being the bulk of the story and the switched-bodies explanation serving as the punchline that follows. Yet when I tried to write it, the punchline just grew into a full section of its own. The result was two scenes that were balanced in length - not what I had tried for, but something I though would still pass. I then switched the order of the scenes. The story went from "Yeah, this is a cool idea!" to "Eh, I guess this sorta works."
The comments here have enlightened me to another problem: The interrogation section is too squicky and humourless. I think it's the slap that does it. I paused when adding that in, but I figured a tiny bit of violence would make for good spice. Seems not. I think it may have worked better in the original scene order, going from serious to funny, while the inverse just leaves the reader uncomfortable.
The submission was disappointing from the start, though as with all my writing, I did grow more fond of it. Call it narcissism. I'm surprised that I made finals with this, yet sad that it ended up ranked so low. It's all a weird mix. Nevertheless, I thank everyone who commented or voted.
>>CoffeeMinion
Really, geez, Rainbow wasn't trying to rape Cadance! She just saw an opportunity for a prank. Probably wanted to stuff some of Cadance's lingere into Shining's wardrobe or something lame like that. I guess I really failed at getting the tone right.
>>Monokeras
This comment, among others, leaves me feeling weird. It questions the very word choices that I like the most in my own writing. It's not the first time this has happened and (hopefully) won't be the last. No hard feelings, obviously, but that's not something I'm planning to change.
And the Crystal Sun-Blossom is a magic crystal flower-thing that switches ponies' bodies around. I didn't think it through much more than that. It could have been called "Magical Plot Device #187".
Nice job to everyone who participated. Congrats to the medalists. For whatever it's worth, my own top 6 favourite fics this time, in order:
Data Doesn't Lie by horizon (Really, only seventh place?! This was as close to perfection as it gets!)
The Sphinx by Cold in Gardez
The Lighthouse and the Sea by TheCyanRecluse
Shooting for the Moon by Trick_Question
The Apprentice by Cold in Gardez (Hey, buddy, not fair getting on this list twice!)
Threads by Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Monokeras
Come on, now. The proper balance is to take reader opinions into account and weigh them against one's own convictions. I don't dismiss them as "crap" - I just conclude in some cases that I can't please both a particular reader and myself at the same time. Tastes differ between people. That's fine.
There's no need for your apology, and I did not mean my own comment to be particularly negative. I felt "weird" in the "curious" sense, not the "bad" sense. I value all the feedback I get, even in those cases when I don't directly follow it.
Come on, now. The proper balance is to take reader opinions into account and weigh them against one's own convictions. I don't dismiss them as "crap" - I just conclude in some cases that I can't please both a particular reader and myself at the same time. Tastes differ between people. That's fine.
There's no need for your apology, and I did not mean my own comment to be particularly negative. I felt "weird" in the "curious" sense, not the "bad" sense. I value all the feedback I get, even in those cases when I don't directly follow it.