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Super Secret Mission
“Lieutenant Pump to Major Pound, come in Major Pound,” a voice thundered through the walkie-talkie.
“Roger.” Pound scrolled the volume knob drastically.
The speaker died down to a whisper, “Location?”
“Just outside of the foundry.” Pound crouched behind a crate.
He snuck a peek of the gate, a couple of workers hauling crates in and out of the doors.
Pound wiped his brow, beads of sweat covering his hooves. “There’s guards.”
“Want me to snap their necks?”
“Negative, you’ll compromise the mission!” Pound yanked an orb off his belt, “I’ll distract them with a flash grenade.”
“Affirmative, Major Pound. See you in.” The speaker cut off.
Pound lobbed the ball, closing his eyes as a bright flash of rainbow-colored light enveloped the vicinity. He dove toward the swinging doors, charging into the sweltering factory.
“Coming in hot.” He held his breath while fastening a bandana to his muzzle. He whipped out his gun, and shot the nearest guard with a dart.
“Meet you near Storage,” the speaker replied. “Keep a low profile, okay?”
“Roger that.” Pound took off in a gallop, his hooves clattering across the tile floor. Dodging the tanks and crates scattered throughout the facility, he caught a whiff of the sweet aroma seeping through the cloth. His stomach growled and churned, tempting him to take one more whiff.
He snapped out of his coma. Stay Awake, Soldier. Ten minutes of the fumes, your mind turns to scrambled egg.
Pound spotted a filly near the storage. He took off in a mad sprint to make up last of the distance.
“What took you so long?” She asked, cocking her hips to one side.
“I baked a cake on the way here.” He knelt down near the lock, listening closely to the internal workings. With a click, the door popped open.
“Any sign of the Pink Spy?” Pound asked, picking up his gun.
“Luckily no.” Pump’s eyes darted toward the ceiling nervously, “But don’t let your guard down, she usually is in over your head.”
Pound crouched behind a sack of white dust. He holstered his weapon, scooping a hooffull of white dust. He smiled. “Heh, you remember this stuff? We used to dump this on the Pink Spy.”
“Pay attention to the mission at hoof, soldier!” Pump barked.
“Nag, Nag, Nag!” Pound lisped. He shot a grappling hook to the ceiling. Climbing through the endless supply of weapons… he found ammunition and powder to bioweapons that could take on Equestria ten times over.
“Irresistible… Delicious.” Pound licked his lips. Pound lunged to the shelf, grabbing hold of the small case.
“Did you get the Doomsday Bioweapon?” Pump asked.
Pound dusted the label, “Fragile- Handle with Care- Catalyst Oxidizer Organ Killer Inducing Extreme Spirit”
“That’s the one- let’s get out of here.” Lieutenant Pump held her hooves open grabbing hold of the heavy case.
Suddenly, the door opened, bathing the room in light. Two towering silhouettes stood in the doorway. “Well, well, well… caught red hooved!” One of them spoke.
Pound pulled out his gun shot a foam dart at them.
“Owie ow!” the other cried.
Pound grinned sheepishly, dropping to the floor. “Sorry, Pinkie, I’m a bit trigger happy…”
The taller one tapped her hoof against the tile, “How many times do I have to tell you guys? NO COOKIES until after dinner!”
“But mom!” Lieutenant Pump whined.
“No Buts!” The mare yanked the jar out of Pound’s hooves and set it back on the shelf.
Pink Spy spoke up, “Excuse me, Super Evil Overlord Mrs. Cake, but these two rebels worked hard getting past your defenses. I think they deserve COOKIES for their hard work.”
“General what?!” The mare shot a confused look at the Pink Spy. After a moment, she rolled her eyes and facehooved, “Oh alright, give these brave little ponies some COOKIES before I change my mind”
“Yay!” Pound and Pump shouted in unison.
The mare trotted away, attending to her bioweapons. The Pink Spy reached up to the shelf, plucking two disks from the jar. She hooved one to Pound and one to Pump.
“Now, you guys have to promise to eat your dinner!” The Pink Spy smiled mischievously.
Pound and Pump retorted, each with a mouthful of cookies, “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
The Pink Spy rubbed her hooves devilishly, “Good! We are having spinach tonight!”
“Roger.” Pound scrolled the volume knob drastically.
The speaker died down to a whisper, “Location?”
“Just outside of the foundry.” Pound crouched behind a crate.
He snuck a peek of the gate, a couple of workers hauling crates in and out of the doors.
Pound wiped his brow, beads of sweat covering his hooves. “There’s guards.”
“Want me to snap their necks?”
“Negative, you’ll compromise the mission!” Pound yanked an orb off his belt, “I’ll distract them with a flash grenade.”
“Affirmative, Major Pound. See you in.” The speaker cut off.
Pound lobbed the ball, closing his eyes as a bright flash of rainbow-colored light enveloped the vicinity. He dove toward the swinging doors, charging into the sweltering factory.
“Coming in hot.” He held his breath while fastening a bandana to his muzzle. He whipped out his gun, and shot the nearest guard with a dart.
“Meet you near Storage,” the speaker replied. “Keep a low profile, okay?”
“Roger that.” Pound took off in a gallop, his hooves clattering across the tile floor. Dodging the tanks and crates scattered throughout the facility, he caught a whiff of the sweet aroma seeping through the cloth. His stomach growled and churned, tempting him to take one more whiff.
He snapped out of his coma. Stay Awake, Soldier. Ten minutes of the fumes, your mind turns to scrambled egg.
Pound spotted a filly near the storage. He took off in a mad sprint to make up last of the distance.
“What took you so long?” She asked, cocking her hips to one side.
“I baked a cake on the way here.” He knelt down near the lock, listening closely to the internal workings. With a click, the door popped open.
“Any sign of the Pink Spy?” Pound asked, picking up his gun.
“Luckily no.” Pump’s eyes darted toward the ceiling nervously, “But don’t let your guard down, she usually is in over your head.”
Pound crouched behind a sack of white dust. He holstered his weapon, scooping a hooffull of white dust. He smiled. “Heh, you remember this stuff? We used to dump this on the Pink Spy.”
“Pay attention to the mission at hoof, soldier!” Pump barked.
“Nag, Nag, Nag!” Pound lisped. He shot a grappling hook to the ceiling. Climbing through the endless supply of weapons… he found ammunition and powder to bioweapons that could take on Equestria ten times over.
“Irresistible… Delicious.” Pound licked his lips. Pound lunged to the shelf, grabbing hold of the small case.
“Did you get the Doomsday Bioweapon?” Pump asked.
Pound dusted the label, “Fragile- Handle with Care- Catalyst Oxidizer Organ Killer Inducing Extreme Spirit”
“That’s the one- let’s get out of here.” Lieutenant Pump held her hooves open grabbing hold of the heavy case.
Suddenly, the door opened, bathing the room in light. Two towering silhouettes stood in the doorway. “Well, well, well… caught red hooved!” One of them spoke.
Pound pulled out his gun shot a foam dart at them.
“Owie ow!” the other cried.
Pound grinned sheepishly, dropping to the floor. “Sorry, Pinkie, I’m a bit trigger happy…”
The taller one tapped her hoof against the tile, “How many times do I have to tell you guys? NO COOKIES until after dinner!”
“But mom!” Lieutenant Pump whined.
“No Buts!” The mare yanked the jar out of Pound’s hooves and set it back on the shelf.
Pink Spy spoke up, “Excuse me, Super Evil Overlord Mrs. Cake, but these two rebels worked hard getting past your defenses. I think they deserve COOKIES for their hard work.”
“General what?!” The mare shot a confused look at the Pink Spy. After a moment, she rolled her eyes and facehooved, “Oh alright, give these brave little ponies some COOKIES before I change my mind”
“Yay!” Pound and Pump shouted in unison.
The mare trotted away, attending to her bioweapons. The Pink Spy reached up to the shelf, plucking two disks from the jar. She hooved one to Pound and one to Pump.
“Now, you guys have to promise to eat your dinner!” The Pink Spy smiled mischievously.
Pound and Pump retorted, each with a mouthful of cookies, “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
The Pink Spy rubbed her hooves devilishly, “Good! We are having spinach tonight!”
This story tasted somewhat of Calvin and Hobbes, something that always commands my attention. I think it could use some refinement, however. It was sweet fun, if a little over-familiar, but I think that the ending needed greater definition and focus for the punchline to really stand out. I can definitely relate to it, but it did still feel as though it came out of nowhere, and perhaps more could have been made of Pinkie's imposed role to support it. There's also some unwieldy turns of phrase/use of words dotted throughout.
Bit of a misfire in its current state, but a story that could probably shine with more time and polish. Thanks for sharing your work!
Bit of a misfire in its current state, but a story that could probably shine with more time and polish. Thanks for sharing your work!
I don't want to say Calvin & Hobbes, because nothing can match up to Calvin & Hobbes.......... ok it's like Muppet Babies. Muppet Babies was pretty good. this fic's pretty good too.
I liked that it didn't break character, even at the end. though the Super Evil Overlord seemed to give in to their demands a little too quickly.
I liked that it didn't break character, even at the end. though the Super Evil Overlord seemed to give in to their demands a little too quickly.
Dodging the tanks and crates? To dodge is active, so the tanks and crates would have to be moving. I'm guessing you meant "wove between" or something.
I think some of the suggested violence is a bit much, because it pulls to far out of Ponyville territory: "snap their necks", etc.
Also I presumed bioweapons would be something butt-related and I'm not sure what those actually were.
It should be mouth full of cookie, not cookies (at the end).
I think some of the suggested violence is a bit much, because it pulls to far out of Ponyville territory: "snap their necks", etc.
Also I presumed bioweapons would be something butt-related and I'm not sure what those actually were.
It should be mouth full of cookie, not cookies (at the end).
Ooh, imagination time with the Cake twins. This should be fun.
The bacronym’s pretty forced. Dropping the S might have helped.
In all, a fun read, though as I noted at the start, the reality’s pretty obvious from the beginning. Clean up some dubious word choices—you can’t lisp the word “nag,” for example—and this will be delightful.
The bacronym’s pretty forced. Dropping the S might have helped.
In all, a fun read, though as I noted at the start, the reality’s pretty obvious from the beginning. Clean up some dubious word choices—you can’t lisp the word “nag,” for example—and this will be delightful.
I concur with FOME that the setup gives away the identity of the pioneers almost right away.
This is cute but tastes of déjà vu. I mean Bookplayer wrote, some rounds ago, something very similar about filly Twilight's perilous voyage through her house transformed into a volcano, in a quest for the cookie jar. With the exception of featuring two heroes instead of one, this sounds pretty much the same. I'm still ranking it pretty high, but not as high as it could've been.
This is cute but tastes of déjà vu. I mean Bookplayer wrote, some rounds ago, something very similar about filly Twilight's perilous voyage through her house transformed into a volcano, in a quest for the cookie jar. With the exception of featuring two heroes instead of one, this sounds pretty much the same. I'm still ranking it pretty high, but not as high as it could've been.
Okay, am I the only one who thought that the names Pump and Pound made this story's first sentence seem rather... Lewd?
Just me?
Okay.. Never mind. Forget I said anything...
Annnyway... It became pretty clear pretty quick just who we were actually dealing with. The inherent cuteness of Pound and Pumpkin playing spy was kinda offset by the excessively violent nature of their imaginary escapades... Snapping necks, mind altering chemicals, and terrible bioweapons? Yikes! Also, there are some rather strange word choices / grammar issues here and there. And the prompt drop.... Now personally, I have no problems with prompt drops. I like using them myself from time to time. But this one felt kinda shoehorned in, and grammatically incorrect. It's not as if the story needed the prompt drop in order to fit the theme anyway. It did so just fine without it.
It's a cute little story, but the language needs some editing and polishing.
Just me?
Okay.. Never mind. Forget I said anything...
Annnyway... It became pretty clear pretty quick just who we were actually dealing with. The inherent cuteness of Pound and Pumpkin playing spy was kinda offset by the excessively violent nature of their imaginary escapades... Snapping necks, mind altering chemicals, and terrible bioweapons? Yikes! Also, there are some rather strange word choices / grammar issues here and there. And the prompt drop.... Now personally, I have no problems with prompt drops. I like using them myself from time to time. But this one felt kinda shoehorned in, and grammatically incorrect. It's not as if the story needed the prompt drop in order to fit the theme anyway. It did so just fine without it.
It's a cute little story, but the language needs some editing and polishing.
>>TheCyanRecluse
Nope. Not you. I got thrown off because I thought I was about to read a lot of gay innuendo.
Instead I got Rugrats. Suffice to say that was a bit of mood whiplash, but overall it was a cute piece with some lingual stumbles - but then, toddlers would do such a thing.
This seemed to miss a chance to work in the Sovereign of Sweets herself though, the Cake-Lover, the Sunbutt.
Nope. Not you. I got thrown off because I thought I was about to read a lot of gay innuendo.
Instead I got Rugrats. Suffice to say that was a bit of mood whiplash, but overall it was a cute piece with some lingual stumbles - but then, toddlers would do such a thing.
This seemed to miss a chance to work in the Sovereign of Sweets herself though, the Cake-Lover, the Sunbutt.
>>Morning Sun
You say that about every story. You would say that about Cupcakes. :derpytongue2:
This seemed to miss a chance to work in the Sovereign of Sweets herself though, the Cake-Lover, the Sunbutt.
You say that about every story. You would say that about Cupcakes. :derpytongue2:
I'm not going to review all the finalists, but there are a few pieces I might have useful feedback for, so I'll speak up occasionally as I do my reading.
As others have noted, this whole thing is fueled by the power of imagination, and the story needs to decide exactly how close it's going to hew to reality. The COOKIES and conversation near the end clash in tone with the neck-breaking. A couple of language nitpicks:
- Here's one that contributes to that tonal disconnect too. A "foundry" is an ironworks. The rest of the story makes it sound like they're invading a facility that processes food, which would have no need for metalworking.
- "He snuck a peek of the gate": This is a really subtle point of English, and I've just spent 20 minutes of googling trying to find an explanation of why it's wrong. I struck out, but can at least show that the usage "snuck a peek of" is unknown: use snuck a peek at. Now it's going to bug me all day figuring out how to explain why this is the case, because "Here is a sneak peek of my iPhone application" is correct, for the same reason "here is a photograph of my dog" is. (*) But you wouldn't say "Here is a peek of my iPhone application". Something about "a sneak peek" changes it. Note: "A sneak peek at" is also correct, so maybe it's simplest just to stick with "at".
I think what's happening has something to do with the different relationships that "at" and "of" imply: "of" binds more tightly. This gets into predicates vs. adjuncts (probably?), which is above my linguistic pay grade.
Gaah. Do we have any English teachers in the audience?
Isn't this meant to be a stealth mission? I mean, in the real world, they're trying to sneak cookies out of the pantry. Throwing something whose point is a massive burst of sound and light seems like it would "compromise the mission" at least as much as a guard assault.
- Referring to "The Pink Spy" as "General" is weird. Spies are field operatives with dangerous jobs. Generals have so much operational knowledge that it would be ludicrous to risk them out in the field.
I know most of these things could be excused with "Well, it's their imagination, they just got it wrong," but the story wouldn't be hurt by correcting it, and it would be less bother for the part of your audience that's paying attention to details.
Anyway, the main thing to fix in editing here is to re-envision the imaginary mission in a way that feels more lightheartedly Equestrian (reinforcing the tone of the ending rather than clashing with it) and logically holds together a little better. The core premise is strong and this is most of the way there.
Tier: Almost There
As others have noted, this whole thing is fueled by the power of imagination, and the story needs to decide exactly how close it's going to hew to reality. The COOKIES and conversation near the end clash in tone with the neck-breaking. A couple of language nitpicks:
- Here's one that contributes to that tonal disconnect too. A "foundry" is an ironworks. The rest of the story makes it sound like they're invading a facility that processes food, which would have no need for metalworking.
- "He snuck a peek of the gate": This is a really subtle point of English, and I've just spent 20 minutes of googling trying to find an explanation of why it's wrong. I struck out, but can at least show that the usage "snuck a peek of" is unknown: use snuck a peek at. Now it's going to bug me all day figuring out how to explain why this is the case, because "Here is a sneak peek of my iPhone application" is correct, for the same reason "here is a photograph of my dog" is. (*) But you wouldn't say "Here is a peek of my iPhone application". Something about "a sneak peek" changes it. Note: "A sneak peek at" is also correct, so maybe it's simplest just to stick with "at".
I think what's happening has something to do with the different relationships that "at" and "of" imply: "of" binds more tightly. This gets into predicates vs. adjuncts (probably?), which is above my linguistic pay grade.
Gaah. Do we have any English teachers in the audience?
“Negative, you’ll compromise the mission!” Pound yanked an orb off his belt, “I’ll distract them with a flash grenade.”
Isn't this meant to be a stealth mission? I mean, in the real world, they're trying to sneak cookies out of the pantry. Throwing something whose point is a massive burst of sound and light seems like it would "compromise the mission" at least as much as a guard assault.
- Referring to "The Pink Spy" as "General" is weird. Spies are field operatives with dangerous jobs. Generals have so much operational knowledge that it would be ludicrous to risk them out in the field.
I know most of these things could be excused with "Well, it's their imagination, they just got it wrong," but the story wouldn't be hurt by correcting it, and it would be less bother for the part of your audience that's paying attention to details.
Anyway, the main thing to fix in editing here is to re-envision the imaginary mission in a way that feels more lightheartedly Equestrian (reinforcing the tone of the ending rather than clashing with it) and logically holds together a little better. The core premise is strong and this is most of the way there.
Tier: Almost There