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A Shot in the Dork
“So what else do you have to drink here?” inquired the Purple Alicorn as she flumphed around on a beanbag chair. Movie Nights often left her somewhat restless.
“Uhhh, mostly salzbier and tap water?” hazarded her friend, the Polychromatic Aviator, as she paused the movie once more. “And the liquor cabinet’s over there.” She waved a wing, casting a small feather towards a small floatwood construction from Hikier.
Twilight ‘ported over, leaving her silhouette behind her in a puff of displaced water vapor, and browsed the cabinet, giving little attention to the many almost empty bottles of Johnnie Trotter Plaid and Quadruple Sec. “Hmm. Foirish Twist, what’s that one?” She hoofed up a bottle of thickish amber liquid.
“Oh, that,” muttered Dash, “That’s kinda like a honey mead… It’s, uh, a little bit strong for you.”
Twi rolled her eyes. “Oh, please, all of these items are mainly ethanol in one concentration or another. Add syrups and other not-immediately toxic compounds to taste. I swear that you act as if you’re crafting real potions here.” She took up two tumblers and went to slosh the sweet fluid between them.
“Hey, hold up there! First of all, that stuff is kinda expensive? And second, you’re supposed to just take a shot and sip it.” Dash flitted over and seized two shotglasses, pouring the correct amounts and passing one to her friend. “There you go. Slawnchee!” She started with a sip but largely slurped it down instead.
Twi took a deep sniff, then a sip that also devolved into a gulp. “Definitely clover honey. Probably distilled in a charred beer barrel. Just where did those esters come from, they’ve been curtailed? I need another sample.” She sloshed more into the shotglass, hastily catching the overflow in her magic field and funneling it to her mouth. “Huh, tastes different this time. Some severe granite notes and maybe something igneous. Maybe vitrified?” She inspected the bottle even as Dash gently pried it from her grasp.
“Sorry Twi, I think that’s enough for tonight..” Dash corked the bottle, but Twi’s horn flashed and ‘ported a perfect cylinder of fluid from inside, skipping the glass and taking the mouthful. “Doesn’t travel well,” she burbled. “Paradimensional wheatgrass and Zap Barley, this time.” She ‘ported another gulp out as Dash shouted and tried to block it, with the result that Dash lost a bit of mane and Twi wound up with a rainbow mustache, which she sneezed away.
“Twi, you’re doing it again,” sighed Dash. “Can’t let you drink and fly. Now you gotta sleep here tonight, which means I kinda gotta do laundry…”
Twi shook her head to clear it of bogies and heffalumps. “Nah, don’t worry, I’ll just ‘port home.” She zapped the remaining contents of the bottle into a containment field, leaving the bottle itself behind, and took general aim at the distant palace before zapping her way out through the window in a lightning flash, leaving a series of nerd-shaped holes through the clouds. Dash sighed and slumped back onto the couch.
Early next morning, as Luna prepared to go to bed, there was a knock on her window. Muttering, she flung it open. “Yes?”
“Yeah, uh, sorry to disturb you, but what’s ‘croon ye’?” inquired Dash.
Luna blinked once. “‘Tis a tiny asteroid that shares an odd resonant orbit with Equus, and is at present a million miles away. Why do you ask?”
Dash groaned. “Twi sent me a mental message, I think she’s stuck there. She got drunk last night and tried to teleport home.”
Luna gave Dash a long slow stare. Then she suddenly but firmly shut the window.
“Uhhh, mostly salzbier and tap water?” hazarded her friend, the Polychromatic Aviator, as she paused the movie once more. “And the liquor cabinet’s over there.” She waved a wing, casting a small feather towards a small floatwood construction from Hikier.
Twilight ‘ported over, leaving her silhouette behind her in a puff of displaced water vapor, and browsed the cabinet, giving little attention to the many almost empty bottles of Johnnie Trotter Plaid and Quadruple Sec. “Hmm. Foirish Twist, what’s that one?” She hoofed up a bottle of thickish amber liquid.
“Oh, that,” muttered Dash, “That’s kinda like a honey mead… It’s, uh, a little bit strong for you.”
Twi rolled her eyes. “Oh, please, all of these items are mainly ethanol in one concentration or another. Add syrups and other not-immediately toxic compounds to taste. I swear that you act as if you’re crafting real potions here.” She took up two tumblers and went to slosh the sweet fluid between them.
“Hey, hold up there! First of all, that stuff is kinda expensive? And second, you’re supposed to just take a shot and sip it.” Dash flitted over and seized two shotglasses, pouring the correct amounts and passing one to her friend. “There you go. Slawnchee!” She started with a sip but largely slurped it down instead.
Twi took a deep sniff, then a sip that also devolved into a gulp. “Definitely clover honey. Probably distilled in a charred beer barrel. Just where did those esters come from, they’ve been curtailed? I need another sample.” She sloshed more into the shotglass, hastily catching the overflow in her magic field and funneling it to her mouth. “Huh, tastes different this time. Some severe granite notes and maybe something igneous. Maybe vitrified?” She inspected the bottle even as Dash gently pried it from her grasp.
“Sorry Twi, I think that’s enough for tonight..” Dash corked the bottle, but Twi’s horn flashed and ‘ported a perfect cylinder of fluid from inside, skipping the glass and taking the mouthful. “Doesn’t travel well,” she burbled. “Paradimensional wheatgrass and Zap Barley, this time.” She ‘ported another gulp out as Dash shouted and tried to block it, with the result that Dash lost a bit of mane and Twi wound up with a rainbow mustache, which she sneezed away.
“Twi, you’re doing it again,” sighed Dash. “Can’t let you drink and fly. Now you gotta sleep here tonight, which means I kinda gotta do laundry…”
Twi shook her head to clear it of bogies and heffalumps. “Nah, don’t worry, I’ll just ‘port home.” She zapped the remaining contents of the bottle into a containment field, leaving the bottle itself behind, and took general aim at the distant palace before zapping her way out through the window in a lightning flash, leaving a series of nerd-shaped holes through the clouds. Dash sighed and slumped back onto the couch.
Early next morning, as Luna prepared to go to bed, there was a knock on her window. Muttering, she flung it open. “Yes?”
“Yeah, uh, sorry to disturb you, but what’s ‘croon ye’?” inquired Dash.
Luna blinked once. “‘Tis a tiny asteroid that shares an odd resonant orbit with Equus, and is at present a million miles away. Why do you ask?”
Dash groaned. “Twi sent me a mental message, I think she’s stuck there. She got drunk last night and tried to teleport home.”
Luna gave Dash a long slow stare. Then she suddenly but firmly shut the window.
This is hilariously good. It’s spot on the kind of zany crazy absurd slapstick humour I dote on. Of course, I had myself mulled over something related to alcohol, given the prompt, but didn't come up with anything usable. I’m glad I finally turned to another pathway, because it probably wouldn't have held its own against your fic anyway.
Good coinage with the ‘Polychromatic Aviator’, but I don’t get the final ‘croon ye’. Also, I like your Luna in the last paragraph. 100% matches my own model of her. Also, nice quoting of esters as aromatic components, but don’t forget about aldehydes (almond, benzaldehyde), ketones (raspberries) and, yes, even other alcohols (menthol, eucalyptol…). Not to mention terpenes. Anyways, I’m fussing about details. Your fault, chemistry is my cup of tea recently.
That being said, the text is still a bit rough in several places, such as ‘inquired’ used maybe out of place, ‘flumphed’, ‘mustache’, etc. I’m not a big fan of ‘port for teleport, but I can get over that easily.
Overall, this is a blast to read, and goes directly atop my (mini-)slate. Thanks for writing!
Edit: also what is ‘salzbier’? 'Salted beer’ in German, but that doesn’t sound very appealing.
Good coinage with the ‘Polychromatic Aviator’, but I don’t get the final ‘croon ye’. Also, I like your Luna in the last paragraph. 100% matches my own model of her. Also, nice quoting of esters as aromatic components, but don’t forget about aldehydes (almond, benzaldehyde), ketones (raspberries) and, yes, even other alcohols (menthol, eucalyptol…). Not to mention terpenes. Anyways, I’m fussing about details. Your fault, chemistry is my cup of tea recently.
That being said, the text is still a bit rough in several places, such as ‘inquired’ used maybe out of place, ‘flumphed’, ‘mustache’, etc. I’m not a big fan of ‘port for teleport, but I can get over that easily.
Overall, this is a blast to read, and goes directly atop my (mini-)slate. Thanks for writing!
Edit: also what is ‘salzbier’? 'Salted beer’ in German, but that doesn’t sound very appealing.
There are a lot of details about alcohol present but, for me, they don’t really contribute to characterization or to narrative tension. Instead they come off as ‘liquor talk’ which, as an outsider to that, makes me feel a little like I’m at a party where I don’t belong. I did enjoy the tone and punchline, however.
>>Monokeras, >>Heavy_Mole
A Dot in the Shark
Thanks for the gold! Grats to Mono and Heavy; and a Writeoff welcome to Lexie, thanks for throwing your hat in!
Another last minute entry on my part; I was pulling an all nighter for other reasons, and this happened to tumble out. It's founded largely in worldbuilding I did for other stories of mine.
"Croon ye" is a reference to 3753 Cruithne, as Luna should have clarified but which I forgot to add because I was too weary for a full editing pass. It's an asteroid whose orbit around the Sun is weirdly interlocked with that of Earth, and is sometimes erroneously called Earth's second moon. Cruithne is an Irish name which I found harmonious here due to the reference to "Foirish Twist" (Irish Mist).
"Salzbier" is a play on malzbier (malt beer) and the conceit that ponies find salt licks to be of recreational interest.
For those who like liquor jokes, thank you for your interest. For those who don't, thank you for your patience. And thanks especially for the comments!
A Dot in the Shark
Thanks for the gold! Grats to Mono and Heavy; and a Writeoff welcome to Lexie, thanks for throwing your hat in!
Another last minute entry on my part; I was pulling an all nighter for other reasons, and this happened to tumble out. It's founded largely in worldbuilding I did for other stories of mine.
"Croon ye" is a reference to 3753 Cruithne, as Luna should have clarified but which I forgot to add because I was too weary for a full editing pass. It's an asteroid whose orbit around the Sun is weirdly interlocked with that of Earth, and is sometimes erroneously called Earth's second moon. Cruithne is an Irish name which I found harmonious here due to the reference to "Foirish Twist" (Irish Mist).
"Salzbier" is a play on malzbier (malt beer) and the conceit that ponies find salt licks to be of recreational interest.
For those who like liquor jokes, thank you for your interest. For those who don't, thank you for your patience. And thanks especially for the comments!