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F For Fantastical
Flam of the Flim and Flam brothers was nervous even though he didn't show it. The unicorn pony with the red mustache was not having a great vacation without his brother. An excited crowd ready to switch to an angry mob pressed him into service. One moment he was walking into town ready to kick back and drink, next moment he was faced with a Diamond Dog twice his height. Behind him was a small army of his kind. All were armed with mean looking, pony killing weapons. Flam's task was to negotiate the town's surrender. Flam had nowhere to run.
No pressure.
“I am Zurask the Tall. You will give up and bow down to my terms. Who is this pointed headed pony?” demanded Zurask.
“Flam of the famous Flim and Flam brothers, friend. Not sure why I was picked for this particular task. Must be because some keen pony recognized me from my time as head-stallion of the Friendship University,” guessed Flam.
A bunch of ponies nodded their heads. The unicorn wished he never pretended to be a friendship guru.
Flam fidgeted around then replied “Well then, I am here to talk terms. Err... what are they?”
“Ponies will give up, put on these chains and mine for us,” Zurask stated with an evil smile.
“Why?”
“Because we will beat you all up.”
“No, I mean why use weak ponies to mine at all? You and your kin, friend, are clearly better suited for said task, Zurask.”
“These ponies mine rock already,” which they did because this was a mining town. “You don't matter! We're tired and have no rest from mining. Ponies will do our work.”
Flam smiled wide “Nonsense my tall buddy. I have a better idea other than our surrender!”
“My idea is best. You stop stalling,” frowned Zurask.
“Wait, wait! Here me out. Using ponies for mining is a pain! You have to water them, feed them, house them and clean up after them. It's more work than it's worth. Your arms would tire out from swinging those whips.”
“We have pretty strong arms.”
“But it would still be work. Be just trading one task for another of the same type while adding on more responsibilities of taking care of hundreds of ponies. That doesn't sound like the best idea.”
Zurask pondered this for a bit and asked “What is your best idea horned pony?”
“Machines son! I can lead you into the steam age. Drills and mechanized shovels. Hoes...”
“... err, not sure that is respectful...”
“... the likes you have never seen to dig, scrape ditches and channels. For a small,tiny fee of course.”
“Oh. We can then just take you and make you build these machines.”
“No.”
“Why not?” Zurask asked, annoyed.
Flam laughed “I don't know how, but I do have access to creatures with these skills. And before you think about just enslaving them, they wouldn't build these while in chains. As I said, for a small pittance, I can make this happen for you. You'll live a life of ease at the price of not having a whole nation of ponies declare war against you and your band.”
“Ha. What can small four legged, no hands ponies do?”
“You know what magic is?” Flam asked as he levitated a good size rock before dropping it.
“Yes. It's that sparkly thing you are doing, “Zurask replied worriedly.
“Well, we have a Princess that can control the sun and moon via magic. You wouldn't want to get on her bad side. Trust me. Take this deal or risk getting hit by them. She could even shoot a rainbow at you. Those hurt!”
“I hate rainbows.”
“Me too, me too.”
“Zurask will consider your deal.”
“Great, I know a guy who will help write this contract up. Total trustworthy and an expert. Almost as good looking as me!”
And Flam got Flim to write it up, eventually after the vacation. And they all lived profitable ever after.
No pressure.
“I am Zurask the Tall. You will give up and bow down to my terms. Who is this pointed headed pony?” demanded Zurask.
“Flam of the famous Flim and Flam brothers, friend. Not sure why I was picked for this particular task. Must be because some keen pony recognized me from my time as head-stallion of the Friendship University,” guessed Flam.
A bunch of ponies nodded their heads. The unicorn wished he never pretended to be a friendship guru.
Flam fidgeted around then replied “Well then, I am here to talk terms. Err... what are they?”
“Ponies will give up, put on these chains and mine for us,” Zurask stated with an evil smile.
“Why?”
“Because we will beat you all up.”
“No, I mean why use weak ponies to mine at all? You and your kin, friend, are clearly better suited for said task, Zurask.”
“These ponies mine rock already,” which they did because this was a mining town. “You don't matter! We're tired and have no rest from mining. Ponies will do our work.”
Flam smiled wide “Nonsense my tall buddy. I have a better idea other than our surrender!”
“My idea is best. You stop stalling,” frowned Zurask.
“Wait, wait! Here me out. Using ponies for mining is a pain! You have to water them, feed them, house them and clean up after them. It's more work than it's worth. Your arms would tire out from swinging those whips.”
“We have pretty strong arms.”
“But it would still be work. Be just trading one task for another of the same type while adding on more responsibilities of taking care of hundreds of ponies. That doesn't sound like the best idea.”
Zurask pondered this for a bit and asked “What is your best idea horned pony?”
“Machines son! I can lead you into the steam age. Drills and mechanized shovels. Hoes...”
“... err, not sure that is respectful...”
“... the likes you have never seen to dig, scrape ditches and channels. For a small,tiny fee of course.”
“Oh. We can then just take you and make you build these machines.”
“No.”
“Why not?” Zurask asked, annoyed.
Flam laughed “I don't know how, but I do have access to creatures with these skills. And before you think about just enslaving them, they wouldn't build these while in chains. As I said, for a small pittance, I can make this happen for you. You'll live a life of ease at the price of not having a whole nation of ponies declare war against you and your band.”
“Ha. What can small four legged, no hands ponies do?”
“You know what magic is?” Flam asked as he levitated a good size rock before dropping it.
“Yes. It's that sparkly thing you are doing, “Zurask replied worriedly.
“Well, we have a Princess that can control the sun and moon via magic. You wouldn't want to get on her bad side. Trust me. Take this deal or risk getting hit by them. She could even shoot a rainbow at you. Those hurt!”
“I hate rainbows.”
“Me too, me too.”
“Zurask will consider your deal.”
“Great, I know a guy who will help write this contract up. Total trustworthy and an expert. Almost as good looking as me!”
And Flam got Flim to write it up, eventually after the vacation. And they all lived profitable ever after.
Ok, since no one seem game to write reviews, let's give it a quick once over:
I don’t really care much about the ‘sidekick’ characters, so this one left me a bit unconcerned. Besides, the end is blatantly rushed. I’m not sure you ran out of words, so did you run out of fuel?
The idea is fair, but, as it is often the case when dealing with sidekick characters which are not well developed, your protagonists look cardboard cut: the dog is properly stupid, and Flam is just unconvincing.
I don’t really care much about the ‘sidekick’ characters, so this one left me a bit unconcerned. Besides, the end is blatantly rushed. I’m not sure you ran out of words, so did you run out of fuel?
The idea is fair, but, as it is often the case when dealing with sidekick characters which are not well developed, your protagonists look cardboard cut: the dog is properly stupid, and Flam is just unconvincing.
>>Monokeras
First of all, thanks for commenting on all these stories.
Wrote this in a hour and half because I had a stupid idea pop in my head that I made me smile. I didn't run out of words or fuel per say because I wanted to get a certain word count - 666. Yeah... I need grow up but I found it funny. If the word count limit was 800, I would have bumped it up to 777. Because some times I can't help myself even though I should have focused on time itself instead.
Yeah, you are right on a lot of things I bet. Mostly Flam here doesn't sound like himself too much and the lack of his brother to play off the dialog really hurts this scene. At least to me my work this seemed like a story.
First of all, thanks for commenting on all these stories.
Wrote this in a hour and half because I had a stupid idea pop in my head that I made me smile. I didn't run out of words or fuel per say because I wanted to get a certain word count - 666. Yeah... I need grow up but I found it funny. If the word count limit was 800, I would have bumped it up to 777. Because some times I can't help myself even though I should have focused on time itself instead.
Yeah, you are right on a lot of things I bet. Mostly Flam here doesn't sound like himself too much and the lack of his brother to play off the dialog really hurts this scene. At least to me my work this seemed like a story.
>>Griseus
Thanks.
I’m really sorry I was the only one to comment. My opinions are almost always biased, and I’m not good enough at writing to hand out specific and useful advice. I thought Pasco would have chimed in, as he often does, but no cigar this time. Still ‘grats for your ranking! I wish there was more people entering, I’m not sure why it dwindled out so quickly.
Cheerio!
Thanks.
I’m really sorry I was the only one to comment. My opinions are almost always biased, and I’m not good enough at writing to hand out specific and useful advice. I thought Pasco would have chimed in, as he often does, but no cigar this time. Still ‘grats for your ranking! I wish there was more people entering, I’m not sure why it dwindled out so quickly.
Cheerio!
There's a decent amount going for this story. Mostly in the dialogue. But I think the scope of the story you were trying to tell was bigger than the minific can contain--the ending two sentences stop the conflict suddenly when it's not really finished yet. Still, it's giggleworthy! Was a strong entry this round.
Using Flim and Flam was a good character choice for this prompt. Here, you've taken their character trope and tweaked it so that their swindling ways are actually helpful to ponies around them. You could give them a bit of long-desired glory, or make them endure lots of humorous tension, or both.
In this draft, the Diamond Dogs seem to appear to answer the storyteller's wishes. They are a non-sequitur, the same as if Flam had found a genie's lamp on his way to town instead of an angry mob. This gives the story the tone of a fable or a joke. But, as yet, you do not have a strong punchline. I think there is some potential for one in the fact that Flim and Flam are twins with (presumably) different areas of expertise.
In this draft, the Diamond Dogs seem to appear to answer the storyteller's wishes. They are a non-sequitur, the same as if Flam had found a genie's lamp on his way to town instead of an angry mob. This gives the story the tone of a fable or a joke. But, as yet, you do not have a strong punchline. I think there is some potential for one in the fact that Flim and Flam are twins with (presumably) different areas of expertise.
>>Monokeras
I only review the poetry and original fiction rounds. I have zero interest in the FiM rounds. It's a wonder I even noticed this comment. Feel free to ask via Discord if there's a specific one you want me to look at, but in general, I don't pay attention to these other than to see who won out of curiosity.
I only review the poetry and original fiction rounds. I have zero interest in the FiM rounds. It's a wonder I even noticed this comment. Feel free to ask via Discord if there's a specific one you want me to look at, but in general, I don't pay attention to these other than to see who won out of curiosity.
>>Pascoite
Oops, sorry Pasco, I didn't know that. I won’t bother you anymore with FiM rounds then (though I use them mainly as an opportunity to write more than once every four rounds). I didn't know you were on Discord either…
Oops, sorry Pasco, I didn't know that. I won’t bother you anymore with FiM rounds then (though I use them mainly as an opportunity to write more than once every four rounds). I didn't know you were on Discord either…
>>Monokeras
You've DMed with me on Discord before...
I'm still in the writeoff server, just in case there's anything that gets posted in the #meta channel that I need to know about.
You've DMed with me on Discord before...
I'm still in the writeoff server, just in case there's anything that gets posted in the #meta channel that I need to know about.
>>Pascoite
Hi Pasco.
My apologies. I didn’t know (or, rather, notice) that you had no interest in the FiM rounds any more. Fair enough, I mainly use them as an extra opportunity to write.
I didn’t know you were roving on Discord either, I’d be chuffed to bits if we could chat from time to time over there.
Take care, and thanks for your answer!
Hi Pasco.
My apologies. I didn’t know (or, rather, notice) that you had no interest in the FiM rounds any more. Fair enough, I mainly use them as an extra opportunity to write.
I didn’t know you were roving on Discord either, I’d be chuffed to bits if we could chat from time to time over there.
Take care, and thanks for your answer!