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Little
Little white lie
Little light why
Little slight vibe
Little right ride
Little might bide
Little fight slide
Little tight side
Little knight tried
Little bright cried
Little smite tide
Little wight died
Little light why
Little slight vibe
Little right ride
Little might bide
Little fight slide
Little tight side
Little knight tried
Little bright cried
Little smite tide
Little wight died
This isn't bad... but for me, the biggest problem it has is setting up expectations. The first pair of lines is more clever with the wordplay than the rest, because of the way the rhyme is set up. You've swapped the beginning consonant sounds of the second and third words while still retaining a meaning that seems to work for setting up a mood or plot. But then you don't do this kind of clever swapping through the rest. Then the third line ends with a different sound than the rest, and if you did that to make a point, it's lost on me. The first pair of lines is also the only one that uses a different rhyme sound than the rest, and again, if you meant something by that, I'm not getting what.
In terms of there being a plot, I think there is one, but only a few of the lines drive it. Line 1 suggests some subterfuge to the whole thing, the second a tragic ending. I guess line 3 might say the protagonist only has a vague idea either of what his purpose is or the subterfuge against him. Line 4 just says he's off on his journey. Through the next 3 lines, "fight" is the only thing I get out of that, which is kind of implied by the end anyway, so the middle of the poem doesn't do much, at least in my understanding of it. The last 4 lines pack a good punch, though, but since I don't know what the relationships of the various characters are, I don't know what importance to assign it. The knight apparently failed, someone was sad for him, "tide" might suggest overwhelming odds, and someone died, but I don't know whether the wight is the knight, the bright, or some other character.
It's a kind of story that invites the reader to make up their own story, I guess. I like the idea, but there seems to be a fair amount of filler, and the beginning hints at structural decisions that the rest doesn't follow through on.
In terms of there being a plot, I think there is one, but only a few of the lines drive it. Line 1 suggests some subterfuge to the whole thing, the second a tragic ending. I guess line 3 might say the protagonist only has a vague idea either of what his purpose is or the subterfuge against him. Line 4 just says he's off on his journey. Through the next 3 lines, "fight" is the only thing I get out of that, which is kind of implied by the end anyway, so the middle of the poem doesn't do much, at least in my understanding of it. The last 4 lines pack a good punch, though, but since I don't know what the relationships of the various characters are, I don't know what importance to assign it. The knight apparently failed, someone was sad for him, "tide" might suggest overwhelming odds, and someone died, but I don't know whether the wight is the knight, the bright, or some other character.
It's a kind of story that invites the reader to make up their own story, I guess. I like the idea, but there seems to be a fair amount of filler, and the beginning hints at structural decisions that the rest doesn't follow through on.
I'll agree with >>Pascoite:
About how a little more work could make the storyline clearer, but, yeah, this is a nice idea.
Mike
About how a little more work could make the storyline clearer, but, yeah, this is a nice idea.
Mike
