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i'm fine
tear out your kneecaps
gouge out your spine
smash your head against a wall
again and again and again and
again and
again
and a g a i n
and look your loved ones in the eyes and tell them:
"i'm fine"
gouge out your spine
smash your head against a wall
again and again and again and
again and
again
and a g a i n
and look your loved ones in the eyes and tell them:
"i'm fine"
Mm, goodness I love the imagery in this one; it’s very visceral, and the concrete addition of the word placement is a huge favorite of mine.
The last line in a punch all on its own and honestly, it’s fine as is—I can’t help but to feel like it still needs something. The bluntness does help it quite a bit, yet something still doesn’t feel quite... “there” (helpful, I know). Regardless, excellent work.
The last line in a punch all on its own and honestly, it’s fine as is—I can’t help but to feel like it still needs something. The bluntness does help it quite a bit, yet something still doesn’t feel quite... “there” (helpful, I know). Regardless, excellent work.
I suspect this will end up being by the same person who wrote "grind," and I have pretty much the same things to say about it. Nice, short, punchy, though I understand the visual formatting more in this one.
There are two things that bug me about it. One, the damage the narrator is suffering is all physical, whereas I think it's supposed to be metaphorical for mental/emotional issues. It might be clearer if you explicitly had some use of those less tangible things. Two, and maybe this is meant to have the poem be more generally applicable, but it might have cemented things to see some sort of reaction from those family members who are being lied to. Do they care? Are they oblivious, concerned, happy? Real people will get different ones of those, so maybe you just wanted it to cover all of them, though calling them "loved" ones does trim down the possibilities some, and I think it'd have more impact to what that "loved" means to both sides and how it affects what they do.
There are two things that bug me about it. One, the damage the narrator is suffering is all physical, whereas I think it's supposed to be metaphorical for mental/emotional issues. It might be clearer if you explicitly had some use of those less tangible things. Two, and maybe this is meant to have the poem be more generally applicable, but it might have cemented things to see some sort of reaction from those family members who are being lied to. Do they care? Are they oblivious, concerned, happy? Real people will get different ones of those, so maybe you just wanted it to cover all of them, though calling them "loved" ones does trim down the possibilities some, and I think it'd have more impact to what that "loved" means to both sides and how it affects what they do.
Things can never get so bad
That you can't worsen them, my lad.
Just coat yourself in spit and glue
And give a thumb's up for adieu.
That you can't worsen them, my lad.
Just coat yourself in spit and glue
And give a thumb's up for adieu.
