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Male-Order Magic
In a flash of fire I appeared, completely naked, inside a pentagram in a room of brown stonework and tall peaked windows showing a sky with two crescent moons. Quite disconcerting, as I’d just been at a cast party in Queens being held partly in honor of yours truly, William Charles Roberts, star of the stage and of the admittedly smaller screens. Also, I’d thought that magic, other than movie magic, was less real than an agent’s promises. Still, as an actor I was rather used to strange situations, so I resolved to face this one squarely.
The pentagram had a foul-smelling candle at each point, and it had been drawn using a white powder with silvery flecks. I reached forward to touch it, and a numbing shock jolted my arm. As I recoiled in pain, a woman laughed.
I turned to meet her gaze. Raven-haired and imposing of figure, she wore a simple white robe, and a glimpse through the loose front showed she was nude underneath. On her head was a circlet made of a red-berried vine, and she held a wand in one hand and a ritual dagger in the other. Her charms were certainly rather… impressive, but I prefer the light, willowy types myself. Also, there was something off about her, something unearthly, that gave me the cold chills down below.
Suddenly, she dropped her tools and jumped in the air, cheering and laughing and giving me another interesting view from within her robe. “Hah! Just wait until I bring you to the next Coven circle. Oh, won’t they be eating their words! ‘Dearie, you seem to have so much trouble with men; why not just summon one from another dimension?’ And they’d all snicker like it was clever. They never dreamed that I would really go and do it!” She paused, and ran an appreciative eye up and down my anatomy. “And I never dreamed that I’d land such a beauty! Whoof!”
I usually had this effect on women, but It was time to scotch this, if I was to have a hope of getting her to send me home, where there were blonder and slimmer ladies who also wished to claim my person.
“Dear lady,” I said, “I fear that we’ve not been properly introduced. May I ask the name of my hostess?”
She grinned slyly. “Indeed, sir, you may ask. But as you doubtless know, when those who wield magic know your name, it gives them extra power over you. I’d be foolish to simply tell you.”
I’d acted enough supernatural roles to recognize that rule. But I was also skilled in gently dismissing ardent admirers who didn’t meet my standards.
“Well,” I said, “I’d hoped that I could simply appeal to your better nature, and ask you to excuse me, for I am quite an important personage where I come from, with many duties that require my personal attention.”
She winked. “But I also require your personal attention, sir. Surely a gentleman would oblige a lady?”
“Under ordinary circumstances, of course. But ‘Loved I not honor more’ and all that; I’m sure you understand?” She arched an eyebrow of mock non-comprehension, and I sighed. “Or, perhaps, if can guess your name, I could compel you to send me home?”
“Perhaps, sir. Or maybe I’ll guess yours first, eh? Then you’ll be allll mine, for as long as I want.”
Well, this was a start, at least. The longer I could keep her talking, the more chance I’d have to cajole her. “I hope exact pronunciation doesn’t matter,” I said.
“I suppose not. But ‘sauce for the goose,’ and all that.”
“Fair enough. Let me see… You look like a Marcia, a beautiful lady who I hope is not sans Mercy.” I gave her a sparkle-eyed wink.
She shook her head. “Nope! How about I call you Bill? Short for Bill-zebub?”
I felt a chill of horror when she first spoke, for many friends called me Bill. I still might have been okay, but I foolishly had to follow that train of thought to its end.
William Charles Roberts.
Bill C. Bob?
And as if I was being clapped into literal manacles, I felt her power close around me while her wild eyes lit up in lustful delight. She scuffed the pentacle open with her bare foot and drew me helplessly forth into her embrace as her robe slipped open…
Maybe I wouldn’t be able to charm my way out of this one.
The pentagram had a foul-smelling candle at each point, and it had been drawn using a white powder with silvery flecks. I reached forward to touch it, and a numbing shock jolted my arm. As I recoiled in pain, a woman laughed.
I turned to meet her gaze. Raven-haired and imposing of figure, she wore a simple white robe, and a glimpse through the loose front showed she was nude underneath. On her head was a circlet made of a red-berried vine, and she held a wand in one hand and a ritual dagger in the other. Her charms were certainly rather… impressive, but I prefer the light, willowy types myself. Also, there was something off about her, something unearthly, that gave me the cold chills down below.
Suddenly, she dropped her tools and jumped in the air, cheering and laughing and giving me another interesting view from within her robe. “Hah! Just wait until I bring you to the next Coven circle. Oh, won’t they be eating their words! ‘Dearie, you seem to have so much trouble with men; why not just summon one from another dimension?’ And they’d all snicker like it was clever. They never dreamed that I would really go and do it!” She paused, and ran an appreciative eye up and down my anatomy. “And I never dreamed that I’d land such a beauty! Whoof!”
I usually had this effect on women, but It was time to scotch this, if I was to have a hope of getting her to send me home, where there were blonder and slimmer ladies who also wished to claim my person.
“Dear lady,” I said, “I fear that we’ve not been properly introduced. May I ask the name of my hostess?”
She grinned slyly. “Indeed, sir, you may ask. But as you doubtless know, when those who wield magic know your name, it gives them extra power over you. I’d be foolish to simply tell you.”
I’d acted enough supernatural roles to recognize that rule. But I was also skilled in gently dismissing ardent admirers who didn’t meet my standards.
“Well,” I said, “I’d hoped that I could simply appeal to your better nature, and ask you to excuse me, for I am quite an important personage where I come from, with many duties that require my personal attention.”
She winked. “But I also require your personal attention, sir. Surely a gentleman would oblige a lady?”
“Under ordinary circumstances, of course. But ‘Loved I not honor more’ and all that; I’m sure you understand?” She arched an eyebrow of mock non-comprehension, and I sighed. “Or, perhaps, if can guess your name, I could compel you to send me home?”
“Perhaps, sir. Or maybe I’ll guess yours first, eh? Then you’ll be allll mine, for as long as I want.”
Well, this was a start, at least. The longer I could keep her talking, the more chance I’d have to cajole her. “I hope exact pronunciation doesn’t matter,” I said.
“I suppose not. But ‘sauce for the goose,’ and all that.”
“Fair enough. Let me see… You look like a Marcia, a beautiful lady who I hope is not sans Mercy.” I gave her a sparkle-eyed wink.
She shook her head. “Nope! How about I call you Bill? Short for Bill-zebub?”
I felt a chill of horror when she first spoke, for many friends called me Bill. I still might have been okay, but I foolishly had to follow that train of thought to its end.
William Charles Roberts.
Bill C. Bob?
And as if I was being clapped into literal manacles, I felt her power close around me while her wild eyes lit up in lustful delight. She scuffed the pentacle open with her bare foot and drew me helplessly forth into her embrace as her robe slipped open…
Maybe I wouldn’t be able to charm my way out of this one.
The joke about Beelzebub perhaps needs a bit more context to make it clear what is going on in this situation. The whole rule about knowing names giving extra magical power strikes me as a bit strange just on its fact, and the detail itself seems to be completely extraneous to the story itself.
Basically, there's two jokes here:
1. The protagonist doesn't want to fuck a fat, ugly, and also likely crazy chick.
2. The fat, ugly chick summons him instead of Beelzebub
Now I'm not gonna moralize to you and say that rape can't be funny, but I think there's gotta be a little more substance to the joke than simply "I don't want to fuck a fatty." There's an attempt to characterize the protagonist as a pompous womanizer who pretentiously quotes Richard Lovelace so there can be some form of karmic retribution inherent in his predicament, but there's not really enough of it to make it feel that way. You're hitting the wordcount limit on this, and I think part of the issue is that simply too many words are given to establishing the premise, and not enough building on top of what is established.
Although I guess it's worth noting that this sort of premise, with the genders flipped, would not be comedic, and that does smack me a bit of a double-standard. Lonely, obese man summons a hapless (although pompous) woman from another dimension and forces himself on her? Most people wouldn't find that remotely funny. See My Beloved Husband for how this scenario plays out with the genders reversed.
As a result, the end product comes across as pretty one-note and simplistic. Not anything particularly wrong with that, but it does leave the reader wanting for more. I described this story to Monokeras as "a longwinded joke about a guy not wanting to fuck a fat woman", and I feel the story doesn't offer much more beyond that. Building from that premise and providing more of a back-and-forth between the characters outside simply what is established by the setup would give everything a lot more weigh and pace out the overall payoff better.
The thing about comedy stories is that it's risky to predicate the comedy entirely on one joke. It can be done, but it is often safer and more effective to set up one big joke that is peppered with smaller jokes so that even if one joke doesn't hit, you can immediately move on to the next one and hopefully get a laugh. But, the thing about having smaller jokes that may be even more important is that it can be used to simultaneously develop characters.
You'll have one character give a quip, which informs the reader about their character, another character respond in a humorous or otherwise funny manner, and have the initial character respond. A properly executed joke can give the reader new information about the perspective of each character relative to their situation and add color to an otherwise stock joke.
How this could potentially look in this story would be an exchange as follows:
Protagonist confidentially tries to charm the lady with a line that's worked a million times before on other admirers of his, and it's his tried and true method.
Lady responds with complete indifference and is completely dismissive of his charms, perhaps taking something he said metaphorically as literal.
Protagonist grimaces internally and admits "she's too good" or otherwise is both horrified and amazed at her uncanny ability to completely cancel out everything he throws at her.
The biggest missed opportunity here for me is that the characters in this story do not banter in the manner I've described. Mostly, they're used for giving exposition about the situation, which is not particularly interesting to read.
Also you used the phrase "As you know" in dialogue, which should generally be avoided, as it's a very clunky way to deliver exposition. It's a phrase that can take a reader right out of a piece because it's an obvious indicator that the following information is being given for the reader's benefit and is not naturally being discussed within the conversation itself.
But anyways I found this story #relatable because I also don't want to forced to fuck fat chicks.
Basically, there's two jokes here:
1. The protagonist doesn't want to fuck a fat, ugly, and also likely crazy chick.
2. The fat, ugly chick summons him instead of Beelzebub
Now I'm not gonna moralize to you and say that rape can't be funny, but I think there's gotta be a little more substance to the joke than simply "I don't want to fuck a fatty." There's an attempt to characterize the protagonist as a pompous womanizer who pretentiously quotes Richard Lovelace so there can be some form of karmic retribution inherent in his predicament, but there's not really enough of it to make it feel that way. You're hitting the wordcount limit on this, and I think part of the issue is that simply too many words are given to establishing the premise, and not enough building on top of what is established.
Although I guess it's worth noting that this sort of premise, with the genders flipped, would not be comedic, and that does smack me a bit of a double-standard. Lonely, obese man summons a hapless (although pompous) woman from another dimension and forces himself on her? Most people wouldn't find that remotely funny. See My Beloved Husband for how this scenario plays out with the genders reversed.
As a result, the end product comes across as pretty one-note and simplistic. Not anything particularly wrong with that, but it does leave the reader wanting for more. I described this story to Monokeras as "a longwinded joke about a guy not wanting to fuck a fat woman", and I feel the story doesn't offer much more beyond that. Building from that premise and providing more of a back-and-forth between the characters outside simply what is established by the setup would give everything a lot more weigh and pace out the overall payoff better.
The thing about comedy stories is that it's risky to predicate the comedy entirely on one joke. It can be done, but it is often safer and more effective to set up one big joke that is peppered with smaller jokes so that even if one joke doesn't hit, you can immediately move on to the next one and hopefully get a laugh. But, the thing about having smaller jokes that may be even more important is that it can be used to simultaneously develop characters.
You'll have one character give a quip, which informs the reader about their character, another character respond in a humorous or otherwise funny manner, and have the initial character respond. A properly executed joke can give the reader new information about the perspective of each character relative to their situation and add color to an otherwise stock joke.
How this could potentially look in this story would be an exchange as follows:
Protagonist confidentially tries to charm the lady with a line that's worked a million times before on other admirers of his, and it's his tried and true method.
Lady responds with complete indifference and is completely dismissive of his charms, perhaps taking something he said metaphorically as literal.
Protagonist grimaces internally and admits "she's too good" or otherwise is both horrified and amazed at her uncanny ability to completely cancel out everything he throws at her.
The biggest missed opportunity here for me is that the characters in this story do not banter in the manner I've described. Mostly, they're used for giving exposition about the situation, which is not particularly interesting to read.
Also you used the phrase "As you know" in dialogue, which should generally be avoided, as it's a very clunky way to deliver exposition. It's a phrase that can take a reader right out of a piece because it's an obvious indicator that the following information is being given for the reader's benefit and is not naturally being discussed within the conversation itself.
But anyways I found this story #relatable because I also don't want to forced to fuck fat chicks.
Alternate Title: I Think I'll Have Rape for Dinner 2: Electric Boogaloo
Q: So, you seem to think pretty highly of this entry?
A: I mean, yeah, I like it quite a bit. Not sure I "think" about it much, because it's not the kind of story that's supposed to make you think, but it made me laugh.
Q: You're also aware that this is yet another story about rape?
A: Yeah, we've had a few of those.
Q: And you liked the others as well?
A: Well, I didn't dislike "Ingenue, c. 2003," and I liked "My Beloved Husband," but I didn't exactly enjoy it.
Q: But you enjoyed this one.
A: Oh yeah, sure.
Q: You thought it was funny?
A: I just said it made me laugh, didn't I?
Q: You think rape is funny?
A: Oh my god...
Q: That's not an answer.
A: Okay. I think, as grounds for comedic payoff, rape is legitimate. Maybe not the right word. I think rape, as subject matter, can be used as a jumping-off point for good comedy. It's like anything else, assuming you're of the philosophy that everything is fair game when it comes to making a good joke.
Q: Sounds like something Louis CK would say.
A: Jesus...
Q: In the story, the protagonist is basically forced into sexual slavery by a sorceress. Does that sound like good ground for comedy?
A: Uhhh, yes? Let me clear some things up with that. The protagonist, the narrator, is an actor. Mainly in theater, but apparently he also works in TV. Now, I don't want to bring up anything too topical—
Q: Too late.
A: —but given the current climate in the entertainment business, both inside and outside Hollywood, though mostly inside if we're being honest, it's possible that your favorite actor could be a rapist or sexual harasser. Now, we're not explicitly told that with this guy, and I think it'd be even funnier if he was clearly of the #MeToo breed, but I can imagine.
Q: What makes rape funny?
A: What?
Q: Answer the question, Mr. Raisin.
A: First of all, that's a loaded question. You make it sound like rape in itself is funny, or that rape in a vacuum can be funny. That's not how it works. That's not how comedy works. For example, in the movie Airplane!—
Q: Oh god, he's talking about Airplane! again.
A: —there is a recurring joke where a boy asks his father to be taken to the cockpit to see it, and the boy meets the pilot. The pilot makes increasingly outlandish remarks in the form of questions. "Have you ever seen a grown man naked? You like watching movies about gladiators?" The joke is that the pilot is a pedophile, and is hitting on the boy, but the joke is the simultaneously blunt and bizarre things he says that the boy seems to totally ignore.
Q: That's not involving the act itself, though; that's the topic of pedophilia, which is different.
A: True, but let's go with something more relevant to this specific entry, then. In the movie Top Secret!, the villain is sneaking around the countryside, disguised as a female cow, when he attracts the attention of a bull. You can guess as to what happens next.
Q: And that's funny?
A: Sure, because how absurd it is. A guy in a cow suit getting ass-raped by a bull. The fact that we see him later walking like he's got a stick shoved up his ass makes it even better. Not to mention, he's the villain, so it's also karmic.
Q: And the same can be applied to this entry?
A: Sort of. It's pretty goofy. I mean, a guy getting summoned by a chubby sorceress who's all too giddy to make him her sex slave? That's ripe for absurdity. Not to mention the guy being a pompous actor makes the situation juicier, although, as I said before, it would've been even better if he was also a sexual harasser. As is, he's just a player, which in itself is not a bad thing, but it's still karmic to see an egotistical lady's man feel the other end of the stick.
Q: The rape stick?
A: If you wanna put it that way. I think it's funny enough.
Q: If I must be honest, Mr. Raisin, it sounds like you're defending something that you personally had a hand in, and that you're giving this thing more praise than it rightfully deserves.
A: Look, it's not perfect or anything. There are a couple typos littered around, and I do wish the whole thing went up another level in goofiness. That last part is just me, though; I can see how for a lot of people this is too much. And I'm aware that talking about this entry the way I do makes me sound like the author, but that's a risk I'll have to take.
Q: One more thing... how do you feel about the joke about the protagonist's name? Bill C. Bob. That's a pretty far stretch, for the sorceress to guess right. Perhaps too much of a coincidence?
A: Oh, it's totally ridiculous. How the hell is anyone supposed to guess that? On top of the joke about Beelzebub and the protagonist having similar names. But to be honest? I thought the ridiculousness of it was funny; it even made me laugh upon a second reading, which normally doesn't happen when I read comedy mini-fics.
Q: You feel justified, then, in putting this higher on your slate than certain other entries that were written with more artistry and intelligence? Including the entries about rape that treat the subject with more dramatic weight and respect?
A: Absolutely.
Q: Sounds like something Louis CK would say.
A: GODDAMNIT—!
Q: So, you seem to think pretty highly of this entry?
A: I mean, yeah, I like it quite a bit. Not sure I "think" about it much, because it's not the kind of story that's supposed to make you think, but it made me laugh.
Q: You're also aware that this is yet another story about rape?
A: Yeah, we've had a few of those.
Q: And you liked the others as well?
A: Well, I didn't dislike "Ingenue, c. 2003," and I liked "My Beloved Husband," but I didn't exactly enjoy it.
Q: But you enjoyed this one.
A: Oh yeah, sure.
Q: You thought it was funny?
A: I just said it made me laugh, didn't I?
Q: You think rape is funny?
A: Oh my god...
Q: That's not an answer.
A: Okay. I think, as grounds for comedic payoff, rape is legitimate. Maybe not the right word. I think rape, as subject matter, can be used as a jumping-off point for good comedy. It's like anything else, assuming you're of the philosophy that everything is fair game when it comes to making a good joke.
Q: Sounds like something Louis CK would say.
A: Jesus...
Q: In the story, the protagonist is basically forced into sexual slavery by a sorceress. Does that sound like good ground for comedy?
A: Uhhh, yes? Let me clear some things up with that. The protagonist, the narrator, is an actor. Mainly in theater, but apparently he also works in TV. Now, I don't want to bring up anything too topical—
Q: Too late.
A: —but given the current climate in the entertainment business, both inside and outside Hollywood, though mostly inside if we're being honest, it's possible that your favorite actor could be a rapist or sexual harasser. Now, we're not explicitly told that with this guy, and I think it'd be even funnier if he was clearly of the #MeToo breed, but I can imagine.
Q: What makes rape funny?
A: What?
Q: Answer the question, Mr. Raisin.
A: First of all, that's a loaded question. You make it sound like rape in itself is funny, or that rape in a vacuum can be funny. That's not how it works. That's not how comedy works. For example, in the movie Airplane!—
Q: Oh god, he's talking about Airplane! again.
A: —there is a recurring joke where a boy asks his father to be taken to the cockpit to see it, and the boy meets the pilot. The pilot makes increasingly outlandish remarks in the form of questions. "Have you ever seen a grown man naked? You like watching movies about gladiators?" The joke is that the pilot is a pedophile, and is hitting on the boy, but the joke is the simultaneously blunt and bizarre things he says that the boy seems to totally ignore.
Q: That's not involving the act itself, though; that's the topic of pedophilia, which is different.
A: True, but let's go with something more relevant to this specific entry, then. In the movie Top Secret!, the villain is sneaking around the countryside, disguised as a female cow, when he attracts the attention of a bull. You can guess as to what happens next.
Q: And that's funny?
A: Sure, because how absurd it is. A guy in a cow suit getting ass-raped by a bull. The fact that we see him later walking like he's got a stick shoved up his ass makes it even better. Not to mention, he's the villain, so it's also karmic.
Q: And the same can be applied to this entry?
A: Sort of. It's pretty goofy. I mean, a guy getting summoned by a chubby sorceress who's all too giddy to make him her sex slave? That's ripe for absurdity. Not to mention the guy being a pompous actor makes the situation juicier, although, as I said before, it would've been even better if he was also a sexual harasser. As is, he's just a player, which in itself is not a bad thing, but it's still karmic to see an egotistical lady's man feel the other end of the stick.
Q: The rape stick?
A: If you wanna put it that way. I think it's funny enough.
Q: If I must be honest, Mr. Raisin, it sounds like you're defending something that you personally had a hand in, and that you're giving this thing more praise than it rightfully deserves.
A: Look, it's not perfect or anything. There are a couple typos littered around, and I do wish the whole thing went up another level in goofiness. That last part is just me, though; I can see how for a lot of people this is too much. And I'm aware that talking about this entry the way I do makes me sound like the author, but that's a risk I'll have to take.
Q: One more thing... how do you feel about the joke about the protagonist's name? Bill C. Bob. That's a pretty far stretch, for the sorceress to guess right. Perhaps too much of a coincidence?
A: Oh, it's totally ridiculous. How the hell is anyone supposed to guess that? On top of the joke about Beelzebub and the protagonist having similar names. But to be honest? I thought the ridiculousness of it was funny; it even made me laugh upon a second reading, which normally doesn't happen when I read comedy mini-fics.
Q: You feel justified, then, in putting this higher on your slate than certain other entries that were written with more artistry and intelligence? Including the entries about rape that treat the subject with more dramatic weight and respect?
A: Absolutely.
Q: Sounds like something Louis CK would say.
A: GODDAMNIT—!
There is a fair amount that we have to presume here, based on hints at the world-building, and I don't know that you could have bought back enough word count to go into that all or whether it would be interesting to do so.
Mainly, I think you have enough wiggle room here with what would be the most obvious complaints about it. You hint this is a large woman, but not exactly how large, so I can't say this crosses the line to fat shaming, for instance. There are also unwanted attentions, and it's clear what this lady would like the result to be, but there's enough plausible deniability that she's not going to force the issue if he's completely unwilling. So as a best case, maybe we just have harassment here?
I've said this before, and one of the chief things short fiction should do is surprise in some way, and you did that here. I was no faster at picking up on the name trick than Bill was. In fact I was slower: I didn't see it until he explained it.
I see how you lampshaded how close to the name you actually had to get, but that still brings into question how close is close enough? Like would Marcia also cover the possibilities of Marla and Mary and Margaret? That bit felt hand-wavey.
I'm not sure how to take her name-guessing here. Did she say Beelzebub because she was actually trying to summon a demon of that name and got this guy instead? Or is she actually good at guessing names, and that's just the closest equivalent in her world? Or it was a complete shot in the dark?
Author, you got exactly what you wanted out of this story, though. It's not that ambitious, but then it's not meant to be. It's actually fairly similar to Patrimony, with less charm but more humor. I'd play very carefully with the character, though. He's obviously supposed to be pompous, and while that lends humor to his situation, it can also tend to say he deserves it, which may cross a line. It may help to make him a little more sympathetic on a personal level, and not just from his predicament.
Mainly, I think you have enough wiggle room here with what would be the most obvious complaints about it. You hint this is a large woman, but not exactly how large, so I can't say this crosses the line to fat shaming, for instance. There are also unwanted attentions, and it's clear what this lady would like the result to be, but there's enough plausible deniability that she's not going to force the issue if he's completely unwilling. So as a best case, maybe we just have harassment here?
I've said this before, and one of the chief things short fiction should do is surprise in some way, and you did that here. I was no faster at picking up on the name trick than Bill was. In fact I was slower: I didn't see it until he explained it.
I see how you lampshaded how close to the name you actually had to get, but that still brings into question how close is close enough? Like would Marcia also cover the possibilities of Marla and Mary and Margaret? That bit felt hand-wavey.
I'm not sure how to take her name-guessing here. Did she say Beelzebub because she was actually trying to summon a demon of that name and got this guy instead? Or is she actually good at guessing names, and that's just the closest equivalent in her world? Or it was a complete shot in the dark?
Author, you got exactly what you wanted out of this story, though. It's not that ambitious, but then it's not meant to be. It's actually fairly similar to Patrimony, with less charm but more humor. I'd play very carefully with the character, though. He's obviously supposed to be pompous, and while that lends humor to his situation, it can also tend to say he deserves it, which may cross a line. It may help to make him a little more sympathetic on a personal level, and not just from his predicament.
In a way, the comments written about this story are more interesting and funny than the story itself. :p I especially commend >>No_Raisin, but >>Cassius has several points in his wallet.
I mean, this sounds pretty much contrived, from the pentagram thing to the way the guy reacts (way to calmly) to the end when the witch guesses the right name (surprisingly?).
Also, I wanted to add that if the point of the story was only showing us the guy doesn’t want to fuck with the witch, you could have depicted her as an old crone with a lot of warts, missing teeth and so on—the usual way children tales depict witches. No need to go for a plump (but rather attractive?—it’s not said anywhere she’s ugly) character, unless what you want us to take away is that “those usual upper-crust pricks cannot stand to sleep with anything else than blond, anorectic supermodels”, which is kinda true (maybe?), but that’s a long-winded—and a bit awkward and risqué (in both senses)–way to tell us that. Is that frustration you’re expressing here? Please, lie down comfortably on this sofa, and let's talk.
In any case, I don’t share your passion for willowy, scrawny girls. I'd rather go for plump than bony, but that’s normal, I always refused to be an uppity go-getter, unlike Cassius.
I mean, this sounds pretty much contrived, from the pentagram thing to the way the guy reacts (way to calmly) to the end when the witch guesses the right name (surprisingly?).
Also, I wanted to add that if the point of the story was only showing us the guy doesn’t want to fuck with the witch, you could have depicted her as an old crone with a lot of warts, missing teeth and so on—the usual way children tales depict witches. No need to go for a plump (but rather attractive?—it’s not said anywhere she’s ugly) character, unless what you want us to take away is that “those usual upper-crust pricks cannot stand to sleep with anything else than blond, anorectic supermodels”, which is kinda true (maybe?), but that’s a long-winded—and a bit awkward and risqué (in both senses)–way to tell us that. Is that frustration you’re expressing here? Please, lie down comfortably on this sofa, and let's talk.
In any case, I don’t share your passion for willowy, scrawny girls. I'd rather go for plump than bony, but that’s normal, I always refused to be an uppity go-getter, unlike Cassius.
If nothing else, this story is a sterling example that context matters. How would we all have reacted if the genders of the characters had been reversed?
... that having been said, while this would have been awfully uncomfortable that way, for me personally it still feels uncomfortable as-is. And I think it's a consequence of the "wiggle room" >>Pascoite mentions. Namely, it goes to an awful lot of effort to land the story in this weird middle ground where the sexual summoning is neither obviously consensual nor obviously rapey, and for me, that feels even dirtier than the obvious-rape case. Because these borderline-consent cases are the sorts of scenarios in the real world where so much damage is done to victims as people argue over the merits of "is it rape or not?" and make jokes about it (as this story kind of, borderline, does) and I just can't not see that.
And so I just don't want to engage with it at the level that would be required to try to evaluate it objectively. Sorry, author. Abstaining and shutting up now.
... that having been said, while this would have been awfully uncomfortable that way, for me personally it still feels uncomfortable as-is. And I think it's a consequence of the "wiggle room" >>Pascoite mentions. Namely, it goes to an awful lot of effort to land the story in this weird middle ground where the sexual summoning is neither obviously consensual nor obviously rapey, and for me, that feels even dirtier than the obvious-rape case. Because these borderline-consent cases are the sorts of scenarios in the real world where so much damage is done to victims as people argue over the merits of "is it rape or not?" and make jokes about it (as this story kind of, borderline, does) and I just can't not see that.
And so I just don't want to engage with it at the level that would be required to try to evaluate it objectively. Sorry, author. Abstaining and shutting up now.
Call me a dope, but a lot of the jokes in this entry took me far too much mental strength to work out. I spent a lot of time stopping and starting, going back to understand why certain sentences were written like they were meant to be funny, or just freezing for a second to think about whether or not they were funny by their own merit. A summary of some of my thoughts:
Less real than an agent's promises? Are agents like that? I don't know, I've never had one.
Loved I not honor more? Is that a saying? Even if it is, would she understand it? This is supposed to be a different world.
Sauce for the goose? Is that a saying? Or is it just something in her world that's supposed to sound silly to us?
Bill C. Bob? Oh, okay it sounds like Beelzebub... and... William Charles Roberts was what he said his name was, okay. Wait, I thought she attempting to summon a man. Why does she think she's summoned Beelzebub?
I wish the jokes in this story had smacked me in the face, one after the other, like a procession of rubber animals. Instead it felt like several blasts of funny-smelling vapours, and I had to figure out what exactly each smell was before I knew how to react. Shock factor is good, but immediate comprehension is not to be overlooked**. Your best example of a quick-hitting joke was the pun at the end, but by that point I'm unfortunately a lost cause, and you even went and italicized the pun which has always really irked me.
Me! The italics guy!
But let me put the jokes with punchlines aside and just look at voicing. Our narrator-protagonist is a great character. True, he's an arrogant prick who seems to rank all the women in his life on a 0-10 number line of fuckability. But that presents several opportunities for comedy down a lot of different paths. You could drag him by his teeth through a world he's unfamiliar with; you could have him make his own situation worse with every word he says, contrary to what he's used to; or you could even rough him up with a little slapstick. I would have liked to see these things happen to him. I did not want to see the man raped.
Also, for posterity's sake: I disagree with all of the above commentary that you've written this woman to be an ugly fat chick. By my reading, she's simply 'not skinny enough' to meet his 'standards' (seriously fuck this guy), but at the same time, he seems to be finding what's beneath her robe to be 'interesting' so she's clearly not meant to be repulsive.
But that's all from me. Thanks for writing and best of luck with your whole thing!
**Aside: I seem to be implying here that all jokes must be understood immediately, and fuck me for speaking in absolutes. There are those jokes that wait a moment for you to connect the dots. These are tough to do, but they usually involve carefully predicting the train of thought the reader is going to have, so that they can hit themselves with the rubber animal (that is to say, they don't know they've come across a joke until they put two and two together).
Less real than an agent's promises? Are agents like that? I don't know, I've never had one.
Loved I not honor more? Is that a saying? Even if it is, would she understand it? This is supposed to be a different world.
Sauce for the goose? Is that a saying? Or is it just something in her world that's supposed to sound silly to us?
Bill C. Bob? Oh, okay it sounds like Beelzebub... and... William Charles Roberts was what he said his name was, okay. Wait, I thought she attempting to summon a man. Why does she think she's summoned Beelzebub?
I wish the jokes in this story had smacked me in the face, one after the other, like a procession of rubber animals. Instead it felt like several blasts of funny-smelling vapours, and I had to figure out what exactly each smell was before I knew how to react. Shock factor is good, but immediate comprehension is not to be overlooked**. Your best example of a quick-hitting joke was the pun at the end, but by that point I'm unfortunately a lost cause, and you even went and italicized the pun which has always really irked me.
Me! The italics guy!
But let me put the jokes with punchlines aside and just look at voicing. Our narrator-protagonist is a great character. True, he's an arrogant prick who seems to rank all the women in his life on a 0-10 number line of fuckability. But that presents several opportunities for comedy down a lot of different paths. You could drag him by his teeth through a world he's unfamiliar with; you could have him make his own situation worse with every word he says, contrary to what he's used to; or you could even rough him up with a little slapstick. I would have liked to see these things happen to him. I did not want to see the man raped.
Also, for posterity's sake: I disagree with all of the above commentary that you've written this woman to be an ugly fat chick. By my reading, she's simply 'not skinny enough' to meet his 'standards' (seriously fuck this guy), but at the same time, he seems to be finding what's beneath her robe to be 'interesting' so she's clearly not meant to be repulsive.
But that's all from me. Thanks for writing and best of luck with your whole thing!
**Aside: I seem to be implying here that all jokes must be understood immediately, and fuck me for speaking in absolutes. There are those jokes that wait a moment for you to connect the dots. These are tough to do, but they usually involve carefully predicting the train of thought the reader is going to have, so that they can hit themselves with the rubber animal (that is to say, they don't know they've come across a joke until they put two and two together).
So I just googled "Sauce for the goose" (is sauce for the gander)
It's used to say, "If you can do it, then I can too." But it can also be negated to mean "what I can't do, you can't do either." In other words... a double standard.
I have to know, Author. Was the irony intentional?
It's used to say, "If you can do it, then I can too." But it can also be negated to mean "what I can't do, you can't do either." In other words... a double standard.
I have to know, Author. Was the irony intentional?
Despite setting up the pronunciation thing, that is still super goddamn cheaty by True Name magic standards.
*arm cross*
So. I mean. Reading the impressions I certainly get why they exist, but certain elements of this story kinda don't mesh up to that for me? Like, the charms were... impressive line. I get why people are reading that as the whole fat chick thing but honestly I tend to see that sort of phrasing for something like having large breasts/ass. And that is kinda further compounded by the willowy thing. Like, the visual impression I got was she was a busty, curvy woman but he was into super model types.
Which brings us to the sex thing. Which... we're in dubious territory here and there are mountains of discussions to be had re: rape in media and unhealthy non-consent and such. But I kinda ultimately came away from the story... not really feeling like the guy was being particularly violated? Like, do not get me wrong here. There is not actual consent, that is a problem, magical slavery, etc, but the story plays it so soft it legit feels like he's more or less *shrug* about it? Like she isn't his first choice and he's more interested in going home, but he isn't -actually- against it?
I dunno.
Prompt Relevance... see my snark about true name magic up above >:|
*arm cross*
So. I mean. Reading the impressions I certainly get why they exist, but certain elements of this story kinda don't mesh up to that for me? Like, the charms were... impressive line. I get why people are reading that as the whole fat chick thing but honestly I tend to see that sort of phrasing for something like having large breasts/ass. And that is kinda further compounded by the willowy thing. Like, the visual impression I got was she was a busty, curvy woman but he was into super model types.
Which brings us to the sex thing. Which... we're in dubious territory here and there are mountains of discussions to be had re: rape in media and unhealthy non-consent and such. But I kinda ultimately came away from the story... not really feeling like the guy was being particularly violated? Like, do not get me wrong here. There is not actual consent, that is a problem, magical slavery, etc, but the story plays it so soft it legit feels like he's more or less *shrug* about it? Like she isn't his first choice and he's more interested in going home, but he isn't -actually- against it?
I dunno.
Prompt Relevance... see my snark about true name magic up above >:|