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Writing Pains
Ring-ring!
Horizon slapped the alarm clock. He let out a mighty yawn, his arms stretching high.
Wow! I slept really well, the moderately-attractive Internet author thought. I should try sleeping more often.
With that, he made his way into the kitchen. In less than fifteen minutes, he managed to make an entire breakfast of eggs, bacon and upside-down pineapple flapjacks. In less than ten, he managed to eat all of it. In exactly five, he was able to throw on jeans, plain-white tennis shoes, a “Party Naked” T-shirt, and a wristwatch he’d won at a British pub in France.
“Ah, what a glorious weekend this shall be!” he announced to no one in particular. “First, a few errands, and then a fantastic camping trip!”
Horizon couldn’t stop the wide smile spreading across his face. For so long, he’d put off this trip. The reasons varied between each missed opportunity: work, medical emergencies, the weasels that tried to rip his flesh every Tuesday afternoon.
But no longer! He’d planned this camping trip to the utmost detail. He’d cleared his schedule of all distractions. This Labor Day weekend, he would be-
“HOOOOORIZOOOOOON!” a booming voice proclaimed. Horizon rushed into his still-dark living room, just in time to see a large figure crash through his ceiling.
By the time the dust cleared and the sun leaked into the room, Horizon could just make out the strange being in front of him. It was a horrible creature, with huge horns and four clawed appendages that tore into the mahogany carpeting. Instead of skin, paper covered its whole body, with Scotch tape keeping its joints together.
“No…” Horizon stammered. “It can’t be…”
“Oh, but it is,” the creature said with a smirk. “I’ve returned for you, Horizon.”
“W-What do you want?! I stopped doing anything with you!”
“I know. But you of all people should know that Rite-Toff doesn’t take too kindly to being ignored.”
“I wasn’t ignoring you! I left a comment every now and then…”
Rite-Toff’s face hardened. “A comment? A comment?!” He grabbed Horizon and threw him across the room, landing him right onto a reclined La-Z Boy.
“You think a comment absolves you?!” Rite-Toff growled. “I did everything for you! I made you the mildly talented author you are today! And how do you repay me? You go skipping off to conventions and camping in some backwoods cesspool that’s not even on the map!”
“L-Look,” Horizon said, hastily putting the chair in the upright position. “I know you’re unhappy, but right now, I really have to get ready for-“
“Yes!” Rite-Toff said. “You must get ready…for your doom!” With that, he brought his fists down where Horizon stood. Only a quick jump to the side saved Horizon from multiple fractures and a sore noggin.
“Please!” Horizon said. “I don’t want to fight you!”
“Too late!” the beast roared, throwing Horizon’s decorative couch cushions straight at him.
Rite-Toff grinned. The cushions were too fast; they’d hit Horizon in the blink of an ey-
Just then, the couch cushions smacked Rite-Toff right in the face. He tumbled to the ground.
By the time his eyes opened, he found Horizon standing over him. A devilish grin stretched across the author’s face, his eyes glowing white with power.
“H-How-?” Rite-Toff said.
“You write enough fantasy stories, you learn how to do magic yourself,” Horizon said. “Also, you seemed to have mistaken my pleas for myself. In fact, they were for you.”
Rite-Toff curled his claws into a fist, but he couldn’t even lift them. A strange energy pinned them to the ground, like a stake to a tent.
“You were right about one thing, though,” Horizon said. “I haven’t been paying enough attention to you. Why don’t we fix that?”
With a flick of the wrist, Rite-Toff flew through the air, up and up until not even a finicky editor could spot him in the mass of blue.
“Well,” Horizon said. “That was annoying. Now I’ll have to use my powers to clean all this up before I leave.”
But the wide smile stayed on his face.
The two figures stared at the computer screen, mouths agape.
“Zut alors,” said the one in a striped shirt and a beret.
“Dude, did you know Horizon had magic powers?” said the other.
“Non.”
They sat in silence for several seconds.
“Should we just ask him to come back next time?” said the American.
“Oui,” said the Monokerasian.
Horizon slapped the alarm clock. He let out a mighty yawn, his arms stretching high.
Wow! I slept really well, the moderately-attractive Internet author thought. I should try sleeping more often.
With that, he made his way into the kitchen. In less than fifteen minutes, he managed to make an entire breakfast of eggs, bacon and upside-down pineapple flapjacks. In less than ten, he managed to eat all of it. In exactly five, he was able to throw on jeans, plain-white tennis shoes, a “Party Naked” T-shirt, and a wristwatch he’d won at a British pub in France.
“Ah, what a glorious weekend this shall be!” he announced to no one in particular. “First, a few errands, and then a fantastic camping trip!”
Horizon couldn’t stop the wide smile spreading across his face. For so long, he’d put off this trip. The reasons varied between each missed opportunity: work, medical emergencies, the weasels that tried to rip his flesh every Tuesday afternoon.
But no longer! He’d planned this camping trip to the utmost detail. He’d cleared his schedule of all distractions. This Labor Day weekend, he would be-
“HOOOOORIZOOOOOON!” a booming voice proclaimed. Horizon rushed into his still-dark living room, just in time to see a large figure crash through his ceiling.
By the time the dust cleared and the sun leaked into the room, Horizon could just make out the strange being in front of him. It was a horrible creature, with huge horns and four clawed appendages that tore into the mahogany carpeting. Instead of skin, paper covered its whole body, with Scotch tape keeping its joints together.
“No…” Horizon stammered. “It can’t be…”
“Oh, but it is,” the creature said with a smirk. “I’ve returned for you, Horizon.”
“W-What do you want?! I stopped doing anything with you!”
“I know. But you of all people should know that Rite-Toff doesn’t take too kindly to being ignored.”
“I wasn’t ignoring you! I left a comment every now and then…”
Rite-Toff’s face hardened. “A comment? A comment?!” He grabbed Horizon and threw him across the room, landing him right onto a reclined La-Z Boy.
“You think a comment absolves you?!” Rite-Toff growled. “I did everything for you! I made you the mildly talented author you are today! And how do you repay me? You go skipping off to conventions and camping in some backwoods cesspool that’s not even on the map!”
“L-Look,” Horizon said, hastily putting the chair in the upright position. “I know you’re unhappy, but right now, I really have to get ready for-“
“Yes!” Rite-Toff said. “You must get ready…for your doom!” With that, he brought his fists down where Horizon stood. Only a quick jump to the side saved Horizon from multiple fractures and a sore noggin.
“Please!” Horizon said. “I don’t want to fight you!”
“Too late!” the beast roared, throwing Horizon’s decorative couch cushions straight at him.
Rite-Toff grinned. The cushions were too fast; they’d hit Horizon in the blink of an ey-
Just then, the couch cushions smacked Rite-Toff right in the face. He tumbled to the ground.
By the time his eyes opened, he found Horizon standing over him. A devilish grin stretched across the author’s face, his eyes glowing white with power.
“H-How-?” Rite-Toff said.
“You write enough fantasy stories, you learn how to do magic yourself,” Horizon said. “Also, you seemed to have mistaken my pleas for myself. In fact, they were for you.”
Rite-Toff curled his claws into a fist, but he couldn’t even lift them. A strange energy pinned them to the ground, like a stake to a tent.
“You were right about one thing, though,” Horizon said. “I haven’t been paying enough attention to you. Why don’t we fix that?”
With a flick of the wrist, Rite-Toff flew through the air, up and up until not even a finicky editor could spot him in the mass of blue.
“Well,” Horizon said. “That was annoying. Now I’ll have to use my powers to clean all this up before I leave.”
But the wide smile stayed on his face.
The two figures stared at the computer screen, mouths agape.
“Zut alors,” said the one in a striped shirt and a beret.
“Dude, did you know Horizon had magic powers?” said the other.
“Non.”
They sat in silence for several seconds.
“Should we just ask him to come back next time?” said the American.
“Oui,” said the Monokerasian.
By the time his eyes opened, he found Horizon standing over him. A devilish grin stretched across the author’s face, his eyes glowing white with power.
“H-How-?” Rite-Toff said.
N-nani??
And behold, I saw a Greate Beastie, and it's name was Legion, but many knew it by many names such as Real World and Laundry and the dreaded Mowing The Lawn. And the Beastie fell upon the scribe with the howl of wifely 'But you promised!' and tore into the precious Free Time which had been closeted away.
And woe spread among all who witnessed the carnage, for they too were not immune to the Beastie's savage attacks. And there was greate mourning for the lost. And some bookmarks, in case a few shreds of time were found undevoured.
And woe spread among all who witnessed the carnage, for they too were not immune to the Beastie's savage attacks. And there was greate mourning for the lost. And some bookmarks, in case a few shreds of time were found undevoured.
Writing Pains: A Retrospective
So given how I actually lost cumulative points for writing this story because it was rated low enough, I hope you all enjoyed this story about a fellow Writeoff author, because I'm never doing one like this again. Though there's also the fact I know so little about y'all that I don't think I could do a solid comedy fic about any of you without resorting to bland comedy tropes. Hell, I wasn't even sure Monkeras was French and simply thought he was because of one of the stories one of you wrote.
As for the creation of this story, I wrote this while I was taking a break from writing my other story, Night Hunting. I chose the plot simply because I saw Horizon's comment about how he wasn't doing the WriteOff because he was going camping, and thought it'd be funny if he was forced to fight WriteOff as a being. I didn't find the end result that funny, but I uploaded it anyway because I though some of you might find some amusement from it. And given how Night Hunting was pretty disappointing as well, I think I'll focus on just doing one fic per round from now on, just so that the stories are more solid.
Thanks for the comments, >>Miller Minus,>>Anon Y Mous,>>No_Raisin, and >>georg. I hope this story didn't irritate you too much.
>>georg
I'm happy you liked it. I'm going to try doing more polished work from now on, but at least this fic gave folks a few chuckles.
I'm happy you liked it. I'm going to try doing more polished work from now on, but at least this fic gave folks a few chuckles.
So apparently nobody bothered to inform me of this until after my return. Making you some sort of prophet or something.
I'm flattered, and this is hilarious (though given the heavy meta content I'm not surprised it didn't score terribly well).
I do have to wonder in what universe I could be described as "moderately attractive". I don't own a "Party Naked" T-shirt, but I do own a T-shirt from Las Vegas that reads "Bad Decisions Lead To Good Stories" (with a picture of two beer cups). I've never been to France, though it's on my bucket list. The bit about my magical powers is, however, 100% correct.
Thank you! :D
I'm flattered, and this is hilarious (though given the heavy meta content I'm not surprised it didn't score terribly well).
I do have to wonder in what universe I could be described as "moderately attractive". I don't own a "Party Naked" T-shirt, but I do own a T-shirt from Las Vegas that reads "Bad Decisions Lead To Good Stories" (with a picture of two beer cups). I've never been to France, though it's on my bucket list. The bit about my magical powers is, however, 100% correct.
Thank you! :D
>>horizon
Well, I'm happy that you were amused by it. One of the reasons I don't plan on doing a story like this again is simply because you never quite know how the real-life subject will react to it. I prefer the freedom of using original characters anyway.
Though maybe I'll reuse theMonokerasian Frenchman again...
Well, I'm happy that you were amused by it. One of the reasons I don't plan on doing a story like this again is simply because you never quite know how the real-life subject will react to it. I prefer the freedom of using original characters anyway.
Though maybe I'll reuse the