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A Trail of Sugar Blood
“So y'all gonna bleed to death just to prove a point, huh.”
“Hahah, what?” Pinkie gave AJ a drunk smile. “Nooo idea what you’re talking about!”
“Pinkie, you look like you’re tryin’ to traumatize the kids now, instead of doin’ it on accident. Give me the shears.”
“I’m not gonna! Hahah.” Pinkie had to hug the tree to avoid falling down. “Go celebrate your birthday! Take the day off! I got this covered.”
“Yeah. In blood.”
“Still counts!” Pinkie waved a hoof. “Shoo!”
Blood dripped down.
Little known fact about Equestrian apple trees: you need to cut off the odd branches now and then, 'cause that makes the apples taste better. Second little known fact: this was a long, arduous, dangerous job.
Applejack had been trained for this.
Pinkie Pie had not.
“It’s your birthday!” Pinkie was perched on the tree, waving the shears around and covered in massive amounts of blood. “Apple Bloom told me you have been too busy to play with her lately! Today is your chance!”
“Why are you advocatin’ for sisterhood while at death’s doorstep.”
“Because it’s now or never!” Pinkie wobbled again, and she had to hug the tree harder not to fall. “Whoa. Hahah. Oops.” Then she reached into her mane. “Gimme a moment!”
“Pinkie.”
“Back to you in a second!”
“Pinkie, Ah need you to understand this is the single most gruesome thing Ah’ve ever seen. And Ah’m friends with Rainbow Dash. And Twilight.” Pause. “And Rarity.”
“Ah-hah!” Pinkie produced a lollipop from her mane. She frowned. “Wait. These aren’t bandages.”
Pause.
“Eh. Same thing. Hey, Applejack! Do you think I can cover my wound with this?”
“No.”
“Taking that as a yes!”
And Pinkie put the lollipop on top of her wound.
It got stuck.
The blood mixed up with the caramel and they both started dripping down.
“Alright. Ah take it back. This is is the most gruesome thing Ah’ve ever—is that meltin’ the caramel? Pinkie, why’s your blood so hot?!”
“Because I’m speaking with passion!” Pinkie yelled. “Also everything is getting blurry now!”
“Is that wound infected? That wound’s infected, isn’t it.”
“Probably! I sure didn’t clean it before I accidentally stabbed myself. Hahah.” In any other pony, the half-witted smile that made it to Pinkie’s face would have been terrifying. This was Pinkie, though, so it looked average at best. “I’m in danger.”
“Yeah! You are! Get down already!”
“Only if you promise me you’re going to take the day off!”
“Pinkie, you’re dyin’!”
“Yeah! I am also making a point, though.” Pinkie reached into her mane again, took out a second lollipop, put it in her mouth. “I am not paying attention to your advice even though it's harmful, because I’m very hot-headed. Right? Right?”
Another pause.
“See what I’m doing?”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Pinkie, Ah have a lot of work. Ah can’t help that.”
“But you can! You can ask for help! Or rest a little more often. We’ve been through this before! The trees are not going anywhere. We checked!”
“Pinkie—”
“Working is important! Working is super duper important.” Pinkie made a bloody sad face. “But it is not the only thing that matters, even if it feels like it. I’m not telling you to stop working, just like you’re not telling me to stop bleeding to death on top of this tree—”
“Ah’m absolutely one hundred percent tellin’ you that.”
“—but it is important to take care of the tiny things, too! Like your birthday.” Pinkie winked at AJ. “Or playing with your little sister while she’s still little.”
The blood and the caramel kept dripping down. The sound of the drops falling—ploc, ploc, ploc—was like the tick-tock of a clock.
Applejack sighed. “Ah guess Ah can afford a day off.”
“Woo-hoo” Pinkie grinned. “Birthday party! I’m so good at my—oh wow I’ve lost a lot of blood hahah.”
Pinkie fainted.
PLAF!
And fell off the tree.
“Well. That takes care of that.” Applejack grabbed Pinkie and put her on her back. “Guess Ah’ll get Apple Bloom once Ah’m sure you ain’t—wow, your blood is hot. It’s gonna be hard takin’ that lollipop out.”
Pinkie Pie didn’t reply. She was unconscious.
So Applejack shook her heart. “That’s the problem with you, Pinkie. Even as a bleedin’ heart, y’all gotta be all sweet.” Then, she turned her head around a little, and kissed Pinkie’s forehead. “Thank you.”
And she trotted to the hospital, smile on her face, leaving behind a trail of sugar blood.
“Hahah, what?” Pinkie gave AJ a drunk smile. “Nooo idea what you’re talking about!”
“Pinkie, you look like you’re tryin’ to traumatize the kids now, instead of doin’ it on accident. Give me the shears.”
“I’m not gonna! Hahah.” Pinkie had to hug the tree to avoid falling down. “Go celebrate your birthday! Take the day off! I got this covered.”
“Yeah. In blood.”
“Still counts!” Pinkie waved a hoof. “Shoo!”
Blood dripped down.
Little known fact about Equestrian apple trees: you need to cut off the odd branches now and then, 'cause that makes the apples taste better. Second little known fact: this was a long, arduous, dangerous job.
Applejack had been trained for this.
Pinkie Pie had not.
“It’s your birthday!” Pinkie was perched on the tree, waving the shears around and covered in massive amounts of blood. “Apple Bloom told me you have been too busy to play with her lately! Today is your chance!”
“Why are you advocatin’ for sisterhood while at death’s doorstep.”
“Because it’s now or never!” Pinkie wobbled again, and she had to hug the tree harder not to fall. “Whoa. Hahah. Oops.” Then she reached into her mane. “Gimme a moment!”
“Pinkie.”
“Back to you in a second!”
“Pinkie, Ah need you to understand this is the single most gruesome thing Ah’ve ever seen. And Ah’m friends with Rainbow Dash. And Twilight.” Pause. “And Rarity.”
“Ah-hah!” Pinkie produced a lollipop from her mane. She frowned. “Wait. These aren’t bandages.”
Pause.
“Eh. Same thing. Hey, Applejack! Do you think I can cover my wound with this?”
“No.”
“Taking that as a yes!”
And Pinkie put the lollipop on top of her wound.
It got stuck.
The blood mixed up with the caramel and they both started dripping down.
“Alright. Ah take it back. This is is the most gruesome thing Ah’ve ever—is that meltin’ the caramel? Pinkie, why’s your blood so hot?!”
“Because I’m speaking with passion!” Pinkie yelled. “Also everything is getting blurry now!”
“Is that wound infected? That wound’s infected, isn’t it.”
“Probably! I sure didn’t clean it before I accidentally stabbed myself. Hahah.” In any other pony, the half-witted smile that made it to Pinkie’s face would have been terrifying. This was Pinkie, though, so it looked average at best. “I’m in danger.”
“Yeah! You are! Get down already!”
“Only if you promise me you’re going to take the day off!”
“Pinkie, you’re dyin’!”
“Yeah! I am also making a point, though.” Pinkie reached into her mane again, took out a second lollipop, put it in her mouth. “I am not paying attention to your advice even though it's harmful, because I’m very hot-headed. Right? Right?”
Another pause.
“See what I’m doing?”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Pinkie, Ah have a lot of work. Ah can’t help that.”
“But you can! You can ask for help! Or rest a little more often. We’ve been through this before! The trees are not going anywhere. We checked!”
“Pinkie—”
“Working is important! Working is super duper important.” Pinkie made a bloody sad face. “But it is not the only thing that matters, even if it feels like it. I’m not telling you to stop working, just like you’re not telling me to stop bleeding to death on top of this tree—”
“Ah’m absolutely one hundred percent tellin’ you that.”
“—but it is important to take care of the tiny things, too! Like your birthday.” Pinkie winked at AJ. “Or playing with your little sister while she’s still little.”
The blood and the caramel kept dripping down. The sound of the drops falling—ploc, ploc, ploc—was like the tick-tock of a clock.
Applejack sighed. “Ah guess Ah can afford a day off.”
“Woo-hoo” Pinkie grinned. “Birthday party! I’m so good at my—oh wow I’ve lost a lot of blood hahah.”
Pinkie fainted.
PLAF!
And fell off the tree.
“Well. That takes care of that.” Applejack grabbed Pinkie and put her on her back. “Guess Ah’ll get Apple Bloom once Ah’m sure you ain’t—wow, your blood is hot. It’s gonna be hard takin’ that lollipop out.”
Pinkie Pie didn’t reply. She was unconscious.
So Applejack shook her heart. “That’s the problem with you, Pinkie. Even as a bleedin’ heart, y’all gotta be all sweet.” Then, she turned her head around a little, and kissed Pinkie’s forehead. “Thank you.”
And she trotted to the hospital, smile on her face, leaving behind a trail of sugar blood.
Pics
And then Pinkie was a Ralph Wiggum meme.
>>Samey90
Depends. Sugar absorbs liquid, so if you add enough sugar to a wound, it will kill the bacteria by decreasing the specific water activity in the region. Same reason dry granulated sugar won't spoil or grow mold or bacteria.
I mean, you'd have to pour a lot of granulated sugar into a wound.
>>Samey90
Depends. Sugar absorbs liquid, so if you add enough sugar to a wound, it will kill the bacteria by decreasing the specific water activity in the region. Same reason dry granulated sugar won't spoil or grow mold or bacteria.
I mean, you'd have to pour a lot of granulated sugar into a wound.
Genre: ...um.
Thoughts: Sorry Author, this isn’t my cup of tea. The writing here is fine enough and I get the sense that other people are finding it funny, but the only visceral feeling I’m getting here is how awful it is watching Pinkie bleed out while ostensible humor is taking place.
I’ll do the gauche thing and contrast this with two other “ponies behaving badly” stories in the Writeoff in the interest of trying to expand on why this didn’t work for me.
First there’s No Need, which I thought was hilarious despite being about terrible things happening (or having happened to) the filly at the center of it. In that case, the tone was over-the-top absurd without being gruesome in its treatment of the awful things that were afoot. This creates room for me to laugh at the absurdity of it without getting mired in the details.
Second is Equivalent Trade, which I feel was fundamentally lacking in its worldbuilding. Now granted, I probably wouldn’t have been much into the subject matter even if its worldbuilding was stronger; but it would’ve anchored the dark things taking place in a sense of greater logic and internal consistency. At that point even a story with gruesome subject matter can be engaged on the strength of its ideas, its worldbuilding, etc.
I felt like this story struck an odd balance between the scenarios described above. It’s pretty freakin’ arbitrary to have Pinkie causing herself grievous bodily harm out in Sweet Apple Acres... and BTW her blood is hot liquid candy or something? Kay. That gets into the realm of the absurd, too. But it’s presented in this really vivid way that’s hard for me to process as mere absurdity. And yet there isn’t really enough internal logic to support it, either. I read it as being just arbitrary, and #2squicky4me.
Here’s the thing, though: there’s a pretty good chance that what I’m saying above means that the story is on-point with what it’s trying to achieve and the author should consider it a success. Odds are, I’m not the target audience here. Sometimes that happens and I end up trying to judge the story purely on the merits of it as itself trying to be the kind of story it’s trying to be. So I think this is probably successful? But in this case I have a hard time getting my brain far enough around the sense of humor to slot it in between two other stories on my slate.
Speaking of which, I’ve made it this far down my slate without abstaining, and this seems like as good a time as any to do that.
Tier: Abstain
Thoughts: Sorry Author, this isn’t my cup of tea. The writing here is fine enough and I get the sense that other people are finding it funny, but the only visceral feeling I’m getting here is how awful it is watching Pinkie bleed out while ostensible humor is taking place.
I’ll do the gauche thing and contrast this with two other “ponies behaving badly” stories in the Writeoff in the interest of trying to expand on why this didn’t work for me.
First there’s No Need, which I thought was hilarious despite being about terrible things happening (or having happened to) the filly at the center of it. In that case, the tone was over-the-top absurd without being gruesome in its treatment of the awful things that were afoot. This creates room for me to laugh at the absurdity of it without getting mired in the details.
Second is Equivalent Trade, which I feel was fundamentally lacking in its worldbuilding. Now granted, I probably wouldn’t have been much into the subject matter even if its worldbuilding was stronger; but it would’ve anchored the dark things taking place in a sense of greater logic and internal consistency. At that point even a story with gruesome subject matter can be engaged on the strength of its ideas, its worldbuilding, etc.
I felt like this story struck an odd balance between the scenarios described above. It’s pretty freakin’ arbitrary to have Pinkie causing herself grievous bodily harm out in Sweet Apple Acres... and BTW her blood is hot liquid candy or something? Kay. That gets into the realm of the absurd, too. But it’s presented in this really vivid way that’s hard for me to process as mere absurdity. And yet there isn’t really enough internal logic to support it, either. I read it as being just arbitrary, and #2squicky4me.
Here’s the thing, though: there’s a pretty good chance that what I’m saying above means that the story is on-point with what it’s trying to achieve and the author should consider it a success. Odds are, I’m not the target audience here. Sometimes that happens and I end up trying to judge the story purely on the merits of it as itself trying to be the kind of story it’s trying to be. So I think this is probably successful? But in this case I have a hard time getting my brain far enough around the sense of humor to slot it in between two other stories on my slate.
Speaking of which, I’ve made it this far down my slate without abstaining, and this seems like as good a time as any to do that.
Tier: Abstain
...Is it just me, or is Applejack not nearly as worked up about this as she should be? There's concern there, sure, but Pinkie's bleeding to death up there. You'd think she'd quit humoring Ponk and just apple-buck her out of that tree...
Whatever. I enjoyed it. I really did. It's a non-grimdark interpretation of a picture that struck me as pretty damn grimdark, so I appreciate you, author, for subverting the expected reading of the material. It's semi-squicky gallows comedy that reminds me, oddly, of Spin The Wheel, Get A Prize.
*squints suspiciously at guessing page*
Whatever. I enjoyed it. I really did. It's a non-grimdark interpretation of a picture that struck me as pretty damn grimdark, so I appreciate you, author, for subverting the expected reading of the material. It's semi-squicky gallows comedy that reminds me, oddly, of Spin The Wheel, Get A Prize.
*squints suspiciously at guessing page*
“So y'all gonna bleed to death just to prove a point, huh.”
Okay, I haven't even read passed the first line, but holy cow I'm already rolling. We have voice, character, and conflict all played out in a dozen words. Absolutely lovely. This is text book 'how to make a good first line," in my opinion. Now, back to work.
Okay I want to quote all the really funny parts that made me laugh, but I'd just be reposting the entire bit down in the comments. Good work start to finish. Everything lands perfectly, and I will draw special attention to the fact that several of AJ's questions are not punctuated as such, indicating a dry tone for her rhetorical questioning.
This was really funny. That said, it definitely dragged – once I got to the lollipop, I found myself skimming to find out what was really going on. It's a funny situation, what with Pinkie stubbornly keeping herself in mortal danger, but it stays that way without anything changing for too long.
Well, looks like I'm not the only author with a Simpsons reference in their Writeoff entry anymore.
In any other pony, the half-witted smile that made it to Pinkie’s face would have been terrifying. This was Pinkie, though, so it looked average at best. “I’m in danger.”
Well, looks like I'm not the only author with a Simpsons reference in their Writeoff entry anymore.
Woo pulled out the hat trick. I officially own the Writeoff now. I'm the new Roger.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Hap
God FUCKING dammit, that meme reference was absolutely unintentional. I kept fiddling with that joke -- original was "Hahah, I'm going to die", but I thought it was a bit too dark for the Writeoff -- and I guess that I had the meme on the back of my head or something. I was absolutely not trying to reference anything, and it bothers me that I did so against my will. Mumble grumble.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Hap
God FUCKING dammit, that meme reference was absolutely unintentional. I kept fiddling with that joke -- original was "Hahah, I'm going to die", but I thought it was a bit too dark for the Writeoff -- and I guess that I had the meme on the back of my head or something. I was absolutely not trying to reference anything, and it bothers me that I did so against my will. Mumble grumble.
I loled. Review done.
Okay, okay, I'll get into the nitty-gritty, geez.
So, this story is funny. I gotta say, I'm always up for a funny story, especially ones whose humor don't rely on references that are required for the jokes to land, so kudos. There are some lines that, by itself, shouldn't be funny, but the situation makes it so, my favorite of them being 'Pinkie made a bloody sad face'.
I think if there's perhaps something I wanna see more of, it's probably into why Pinkie Pie seems hell-bent on doing this. Perhaps there's an opportunity on giving the story something to strike us in the heart by amid all the absurdity, or perhaps the absurdity could be amplified, like Pinkie misinterpreting an offhand statement from Apple Bloom or something that ultimately lead to this. If Pinkie had such an important point to make, I do wanna see the leaps and bounds her logic took to attain it.
Nevertheless, good stuff! Glad to see this win!
Okay, okay, I'll get into the nitty-gritty, geez.
So, this story is funny. I gotta say, I'm always up for a funny story, especially ones whose humor don't rely on references that are required for the jokes to land, so kudos. There are some lines that, by itself, shouldn't be funny, but the situation makes it so, my favorite of them being 'Pinkie made a bloody sad face'.
I think if there's perhaps something I wanna see more of, it's probably into why Pinkie Pie seems hell-bent on doing this. Perhaps there's an opportunity on giving the story something to strike us in the heart by amid all the absurdity, or perhaps the absurdity could be amplified, like Pinkie misinterpreting an offhand statement from Apple Bloom or something that ultimately lead to this. If Pinkie had such an important point to make, I do wanna see the leaps and bounds her logic took to attain it.
Nevertheless, good stuff! Glad to see this win!
