All the good stories I've read have no comments. Hardly fair, dang.

Author: I really liked this. It was honestly great. The main challenge of minifics like these is to tell something compelling in few words, and building an entire narrative within those limitations.

This story is the perfect example of that. It tells a lot with very little; the character interactions are gripping, the story is fleshed out and has a lot of weight to it, and the fact that the story is about what Matthew doesn't say, rather than about what he does say, is IMO a really clever way to tell the story.

Matt and how he reacts rings true, and the conversation with Ty is heartbreaking. Overall, I have nothing bad to say about this, and little criticism. No idea what I'd do to make it better; I can't see a way to do so.

Top of my ballot, with ease. Cheers, Author. This one's a killer.

Only the second story I read, but I can already see this near the top. >>Aragon really put it perfectly.

Also, there's no wolves.

While I agree 120% with what my capable colleagues already said (Oblomov not included, as he’s still underage) about the prose and the execution, my only reservation comes from the fact that this piece left an aftertaste of déjà vu in my mouth. It’s not the first time I read something about child abuse, and it seems to me that each one of those fics has always taken the same route, which is (subtly) alluding rather than confronting the crude, hard-hitting (so to speak) reality.

It’s not that I am jaded or otherwise don’t appreciate this wary approach, but… I wouldn’t cry wolf like the others! :P Also, I can’t shake off the feeling that tackling domestic abuse is somehow fast-tracking for finals, because it will tug at the heartstrings of most people over here.

To be honest, though, I would’ve liked reading the boy discussing his father’s behavior with his pal squarely, with the added conundrum that the father’s a cop, which makes the obvious solution of “eloping” to the sheriff office a bad idea. You spend a few words to give us that detail, and never really exploit it.

So yeah, this is definitely drifting to the top of my slate, but is not as stellar to me as the others imply.

I'm going to diverge from the pack here and say this was not near the top of my slate.

I don't think it sounds like kids talking. I don't think the two characters had distinct voices. The whole thing felt cheesy and one-note, like an after school special.

It was like, let's put a kid in a bad situation, then just really hammer home just exactly how bad the situation is! I don't think there was any nuance to how it was handled. It doesn't have a message, it doesn't make the reader think. It's just... yep, sucks for that kid.

Except the kid has no personality so I don't really care.

You've clearly struck a chord with some folks, and this definitely ranks above the nonsensical entries, or the ones without an ending, but this one just did not do it for me.

What an odd story to inspire such contentious debate. I can honestly say I didn't expect it.

I'm in the middle of the road on this story. I think it's an ambitious work that's probably better suited towards a long form narrative (I see you maxed out your word count and probably had to cut some content) so the audience has more time and space to develop empathy for the kids' situation and for the author to add more a unique spin to the story-telling.

I had a conversation with Monokeras the other night, where I tried to impart onto him what I feel most people are bouncing off of in this entry in the form of a quote commonly attributed to Joseph Stalin:

A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

The same concept applies to story-telling. One must be able to set their story apart, to create some sort of identity that makes it distinguishable from other stories of a similar nature. Many stories do this in the premise or idea, but when your story is based on a realistic depiction of a real world issue, it can easily be skimmed over like commercials about starving African children without some additional characteristics that set itself apart from every other story in a similar genre.

The problem is this story is bog standard. It's a competent depiction of a bog standard scenario delivered in a completely straightforward way, and doesn’t include twists or turns to ensnare a disinterested reader. There's some interesting framing work via implication to create the sense of a complete narrative and a lived-in reality, but this does not change the fact that the story itself can't create enough of an identity for itself outside of it being "the story in which the kid's dad beat him" and in fact, many of its appreciable aspects have been supplanted by that label (which I find to be a poor summary of the story as its intended to be read, but I’ll get to that later).

The ambition to tell this story and try to get a reader to identify and empathize with a character suffering from a highly specific, highly emotional problem while not coming across as intentionally trying to elicit sympathy in 750 words is substantial, and it's a mistake that I personally also make frequently in this contest, which is why I find it strange >>Monokeras describes this strategy as a "fast track for the finals." It's not. Stories like these rarely ever do that well, even when they're written above standard. You’ll always have this divergence of opinion as how we’re seeing right now: it only works for some people. Moreover, this method will always fail with people more inclined to view stories principally as a form of entertainment.

Which is unfortunate, because there is a lot to like about this entry. But instead of giving the author compliments, I'm going to make my point by arguing with another commentor, in essence detracting from detractions. Because I'm a bad person.

The unlucky winner of my contention is the lovely >>Hap. Congratulations.

So for reference, I'm going to get a disclaimer right out the way. Anyone is free to feel however the want about a story and comment what they feel. If you have an opinion, and I disagree, I don't hate you, and I'm simply disagreeing as a matter of literary critique of the relative importance of that issue.

If I think there's an objective critique that doesn't hold water, for instance, stating that the character's lack characterization, that are clearly written into the story itself and has definite sign of authorial intent behind it, I'm going to question your read of the story. To make a metaphor, if a story is like a house, being constructed out of many different parts, it's one thing to say:

"Hey this roof looks like dogshit. I don't like this house. This builder didn't do a good job."

and another to say:

"This house has no roof. This builder doesn't know how to make a house."

So if the house actually does have a roof, I'm going to point it out, and question if you were really looking at the house.

I don't think it sounds like kids talking.

Example: this is a subjective critique, one that I happen to mostly agree with, although I don't find it to be an egregious failing. The dialogue needed to be reined in a bit more, in my opinion, but the characters, in general, I feel are adequate, if a bit wanting and cheesy ("that's so jokes" line really threw me off), depictions of how children speak. It strains suspension of disbelief in some segments, particularly with Tyler who seems at times to be significantly older than Matt is supposed to be portrayed, but it’s not such a huge error in style that it breaks it.

I don't think the two characters had distinct voices.

To me, this is a really odd thing to say. It's pretty apparent to me that the author intended Matthew to be of a certain archetype: timid, anxious, a bit rebellious (in small, indirect ways), but generally uncertain of himself and has difficulty trusting others. He therefore hesitates to divulge certain information or tries to convey information he wants to divulge in a circuitous and indirect method.

Tyler is his foil, a really obvious one, because he’s basically the opposite of those traits: brash, bold, confident, and openly challenging authority and norms. Tyler is the person Matt wants to be.

Even their diction is clearly different. Matt speaks more formally with a lot of pauses, stutters, and ellipses, whereas Tyler speaks more informally (which manifests itself in saying man like twenty times) in abbreviated versions of words, obviously he swears, and he is most often exclaiming his dialogue confidently without pause or stutter.

Except the kid has no personality so I don't really care.

Does he have an interesting personality? That's a value judgement. Does he have a personality as written? I believe so, and I believe the author intended him to have a certain affect, and if I've read the story correctly, it seems to me that the affect is communicated in an understandable manner.

Do I personally think that his personality reflects that of a child in a similar situation? Yes.

It was like, let's put a kid in a bad situation, then just really hammer home just exactly how bad the situation is!

It doesn't have a message, it doesn't make the reader think. It's just... yep, sucks for that kid.

This is where I think you fundamentally misconstrued the work and the author's intent. Because that's not what the story is about. Now, I may be mistaken and the author may have just wanted to throw a pity party for the child and in that case he’s a terrible hack who doesn’t know what he’s doing, acting in bad faith.

I tend to have a bit more confidence that the author intended to actually do something with the story he wrote though, and to me, the story is ostensibly an uplifting story about an abused child learning to trust someone else, which is difficult because his dad hits him. The dad abuse is just a part of the premise for the conflict of the narrative, which is Matt's apprehension of Tyler as being similar to his dad, it is not the conflict itself.

I think the evidence that this was the author's intended read of his story is overwhelmingly substantial: their conversation spans the entire story, the conversation gradually builds Matt’s perspective to the point of muted confrontation: “do you want to get into a fight”, and resolves with Tyler’s assurance that resolves Matt’s apprehension. The story ends on Matt smiling, even though he’s probably gonna get his ass handed to him very soon.

So themes of small victories in the presence of a greater, unconquerable adversity, learning to trust people, overcoming trauma with other’s help yadda yadda yadda.

In that sense, I would argue that it's socially informative, it does certainly have a message, and it does give some pause to think.

This story is not on my slate, so I can’t help you author! I'm just commenting from the peanut gallery. Best of luck making it to the finals.

I swear I did not write this story. Everyone must think so by now, especially since it’s so similar to something I’d write, but I would never italicize spoken dialogue because that’s just fucking stupid.

Alternate Title: I Learned It By Watching You, Dad!

I've read Clumsy about four or five times now. Not because I liked it, but because comments from others have made me feel like I must've missed something. I would have only read this twice otherwise, once blind and once more for this review.

Unfortunately, and call me crazy for this, but I dislike this entry the more I think about it.

Let's get the obvious out of the way: this is a story about a kid who gets abused by his dad and wants to stand up for himself. We never see the abuse, or the dad, but the author winks really hard at the reader on occasion, just to make sure the reader gets it. Matt has a bruise on his elbow, but he says he's just clumsy. Hmm, I wonder where he really got it from.

I want to say something about Matt, the protagonist, who's probably supposed to be in elementary school or at most 5th grade but is left kind of ambiguous otherwise, that doesn't revolve around his situation, but we're not really given anything else.

I have to somewhat disagree with both >>Hap and >>Cassius on Matt's characterization. I think he does have something of a personality, but it's so weak and one-note that I don't really care for it. What does this kid even like? Is he into dinosaurs? Trains? Power Rangers? Anime? Does he play any video games, especially at night and with the volume turned low? I wonder if he grew up reading the Harry Potter books. I have no idea, because author doesn't give me anything here. Not even a brief description of what his bedroom looks like, or something Matt wants to do that isn't related to abuse.

All I know is that Matt gets beaten around by his dad, he has a mom (a lot of people have those), and he wants to be more assertive like his friend Tyler. To me he's a really weak protagonist, and not just in the sense that he's timid.

Then there's Tyler, and this is where I bring up the dialogue, since this entry is mostly dialogue-driven.

Let's be honest. The dialogue is pretty damn cheesy. And not in the cutesy way where you think, "Wow, this is a big ball of corn, but I find myself charmed anyway." This is some 90s PSA dialogue. Some of Tyler's lines in particular are actually groan-worthy. Is this kid supposed to be the same age as Matt? Because he talks like he's at least in 8th grade. I don't know or remember any 10-year-olds who talk like this; at the same time, I can't imagine Matt being Tyler's age either.

It's a really jarring gap in the story's logic that's been noted before, but I would hope a story that's almost entirely told through dialogue would have more polished characters who speak more believable lines.

On a final note, I did pick up on something, towards the beginning. Get a load of this:

Exactly like that. Quiet, so only he can hear.

And then:

Like a howl.

This is just a contradiction. A howl is the opposite of quiet. Also not the most graceful shout-out to the prompt ever.

I wish I could understand the hype with this one, but I just don't. I'm sorry.

>>No_Raisin

This is just a contradiction. A howl is the opposite of quiet.

The first line is in his imagination, the other is reality.

>>Haze I couldn't tell, because there's no difference between how he thinks it is and what actually happens. This is what happens when you italicize dialogue that isn't internal, thank you very much >>Cassius.

I have a theory! And a review, but theory first! Because I think the reaction to this story has been interesting, and I want to see if I can beat Cassius' wordcount (Edit: Eh, almost).

I've been tracking this a little bit on the discord (psst, author, if you aren't on that, I recommend signing on, going to the fic channel and searching "clumsy" if you want to see some more debate for your story), but I believe it was >>Cassius that suggested to >>No_Raisin that the latter simply doesn't like "litfic". It was pretty early on in the (intermittent) debate proceedings, if I remember right.

Now, I'm hopeless with genres—'litfic' being the one that eludes me most of all—and as I recall, Raisin was none too pleased with the accusation anyhow. So let's just replace "litfic" with "this type of story" for argument's sake.

My theory is that, once we make that replacement, Cassius has settled the argument. No Raisin, and let's group in Hap and anyone else who agrees with their comments in there as well, are simply not into this type of story. And that's okay.

But what is "this type of story"? Let's just define it, for our sakes, as the topic that it's addressing: It's a child abuse story. That is your main, sole focus, and nobody can argue against that. But there are two big hurdles that come with having this topic front and center:

A) It's emotionally weighted, and
B) it's been done a lot before.

Let me be clear: It's the Author's job to convince the readers that clearing these hurdles is worth their time. And not every reader can be convinced to do this. I hope you accepted that before you submitted, or have done so since the competition started.

Now let's sidestep and look at three of, what I think, are the main criticisms that Raisin and Hap had:

1) The characters are not distinct, and/or uninteresting,
2) other parts of the timeline would have been more interesting to see, and
3) the theme/message/moral of the story is one note, drilled in way too hard, and is only meant to make you feel sad.

On Discord, and in the comments above, Cassius and >>Aragon have questioned the validity of these three points, one way or another. They seem to be reading a different story altogether!

But why?

In my opinion, it's those pesky hurdles, A) and B). It's the emotional weight of the story, and the lack of uniqueness to the idea. I think with a story like this, these two things, either singly or in combination, will cause some readers—but not all—to bounce off of it really fucking hard. These readers will feel either that the story is meant to emotionally manipulate them (in an inorganic way), and/or, they're just tired of seeing it (and may even deem it as "finals bait," as >>Monokeras proposed, thus leading them to wonder if the author chose the topic simply for a slate boost that may or may not exist).

And if a given reader feels this way, they just aren't going to like it, especially when the story is as up front as this one is about what the topic of the day is going to be. So when the reader sees what's going on, the shields go up, and the rest of the story—Apologies in advance to Raisin and Hap for accusing them of this, but I think it's true—becomes an exercise in finding things that they don't like.

Look at points 1 and 2, for instance. The characters bore me, and I'd rather be reading something else. A) explains both of these criticisms, because they really boil down to the reader not being invested in the story. Of course they don't care for the characters and the scene—they don't care for being manipulated (whether or not they are notwithstanding).

And number 3 is explained by B). The reader is so sick of hearing this topic, or think it's being done for the sake of performing well in the contest, and so will accuse the story (and the author) of not putting any more thought into it than, "I can't wait to make the reader feel sad on my command and then win gold."

I want to point out, I'm not accusing you of any manipulation here. I'm saying, for this topic, there will be people expecting it. And let's be honest, it's a fair expectation.

I came up with this theory because of two reasons: One, like I said, it's terribly polarizing, and there are those that seem to find complaints 1 through 3 perplexing, which is why I think we're being divided into two camps. Camp Into It and Camp Not Into It. (Okay, it's not so black and white, but that's the basic idea I'm going for). The second reason I came up with this brings me to my review.

I'm in that second camp. Hey Raisin, Hap, save me a bunk will you?

I mean, I do want to +1 most of the positives and negatives above from everyone, and that includes Raisin's and Hap's. Because target and non-target audiences are both helpful to hear from. But to add to it, I bounced off mostly because of the style. I'm not a fan of third-person when it is done so dialogue-heavy, so trimmed down and so fast. The quickfire narration that stays in the background is kind of nice, and it does make sense considering the story takes place in pitch black, but it's clearly done to help you with the wordcount, isn't it, Author? Be honest.

Oh, and before I go I think there's one other concern I can elaborate on. I saw some confusion about the ages of these two kids, and how one sounds much older than the other. I don't think it's hard to believe they're the same age despite the differences in speech, because a child experiencing abuse is likely to develop less well than one who hasn't, and that can show in a lot of ways, especially in how they speak. I think this is a neat touch (if you intended it), but you could do with more attention drawn to their ages. Even mentioning that they're the same age and leaving it at that might lead more people to this conclusion, instead of making them think you forgot to consider their ages.

Let me check... Yes, you're still top 10 for me, because I do think what you wanted to say got said, but at the end of the day there were other entries with more unique ideas and more entertaining subjects.

But don't forget those positives. There's plenty done right here, and I appreciate the ambition, and remember I said that because if you create an alt account to attack me after I said I liked it so help me god.

Best of luck to you in the contest!

>>Cassius
Yay, I win something!

You're welcome to disagree with me. I have many friends whose opinions I do not share. One flavor makes a poor dish, and all.

But this story was exactly one flavor.

I still don't think the two characters had different voices. I actually thought, my first time reading the story, that the other kid was an imaginary friend. There's a bit of different diction, as you say, but there's no personality in either voice. Just a sad kid, possibly pretending that he has a friend who listens to him.

And I don't think that "sad" is a personality. That's really the only note we have, here.

This is where I think you fundamentally misconstrued the work and the author's intent.

...

the story is ostensibly an uplifting story about an abused child learning to trust someone else,

...

themes of small victories in the presence of a greater, unconquerable adversity, learning to trust people, overcoming trauma with other’s help

eeeeeeeh

I dunno. It seems like he already trusted the other kid. Did he want to actually fight Ty? I don't know. Matt had no reaction to Ty's rejection of his proposal. The smile you mentioned wasn't until the very end, when Ty agreed to talk to him again later. Maybe he wanted to get out some aggression, and he's sad (lol because that's all he ever is) that his friend won't help.

Small victories? Like hiding the soap so his dad can't hit him with a bar of soap in a sock? Like hiding the belts so he can't get a whooping? If I learned anything from my grandmother it's that there's always more switches to be cut in the front yard, and willow switches hurt more than belts do. Heaven forbid she doesn't feel like walking all the way to the willow and decides to stop at the forsythia bush.

No, there were no victories in this story. Matt didn't feel any victories. The only time he smiled is when his friend wanted to talk again tomorrow. There was no overcoming trauma, no learning to trust.

Just a blatant attempt at emotional blackmail.


>>No_Raisin

he has a mom (a lot of people have those),

Nope. I took the lines

Oh, man! I wonder what your mom thinks!

"Yeah."

Matthew wonders the same thing, sometimes.

to mean that his mom was absent. Matt lives in a single parent home.

Which is just another pulse in the throbbing misery boner that is this story.

>>Hap Not necessarily (his mom could be absent as a parent, alcoholic, neglectful, etc), which, any way you take it, kinda leads to the same conclusion. This kid has a bad home life. Haven't heard that one before...

I believe the prompt connection here, besides the extremely obvious literal use of "howl" and "darkness", is that it's metaphorical. A powerless character trying to reclaim some dignity, while also crying out for help. Kinda like the "Musings From a Lonely Boy" but more reserved (and that one's probably primarily inspired by the Ginsberg reference?). These are similar in tone, though I haven't read everything else. I think these stories have an interesting prompt usage and deserve some more credit for that.

Viewing it through that lens, I'm assuming that character and plot aren't the author's intent here. I think they sufficient enough for the story, but it's not what's actually bothering people. A story like this depends on its themes and messages, and currently that area is.... almost interesting. Like I think I can see what the author wants to say, i.e. see above how I think it's connected to its prompt. but that's too darn subtle right now! It needs to be more clearly expressed.

My mind-reading helmet is at the cleaners, so instead my advice is gonna sound rather cynical: if you want litfic to win, you gotta hammer in your theme. Maybe half the readers enjoy hunting for subtlety in character pieces, but the other half will find it boring. You need the latter to not hate your fic, at least. Give them something so they don't feel left out.

(Whether this actually produces better "literature", I don't know for sure, but I don't care either)

My name is Luka.
I live on the second floor.
I live upstairs from you –
Yes, I think you've seen me before.

If you hear something late at night,
some kind of trouble or some kind of fight,
just don't ask me what it was.
Just don't ask me what it was...

I think it's cause I'm clumsy.
I try not to talk too loud.
Maybe it's because I'm crazy.
I try not to act too proud.

They only hit until you cry.
And after that you don't ask why.
You just don't argue anymore.
You just don't argue anymore...


edit: This story is real good.

Miller Minus is Clumsy

So, Cassius has been asking me to do this retrospective, and I know he only wants me to because then he has written proof that he was right all along, but since he, and others, might be legitimately interested in what I have to say for myself, then what the hell.

But he is right. Just for the record.

This was a story about a victim. A story in which this victim achieves some semblance of victory, and can find a reason to smile despite everything. Or at least, that was my intention. For some, that didn't come across. I see how that happened. Mistakes were made. That's fine. I'm over it.

And I wasn't going to write this retrospective. I was perfectly ready for everyone to forget this story ever existed, and I was thrilled at the idea of moving on with my life. But now there's a new story in the latest round that, as far as I can tell, is accusing people who liked my story of only doing it because they felt like that disliking it might disrespect abuse victims. Like they're lying to themselves, or the fact that they liked my story is some defect in their thinking.

Or something.

I honestly have no earthly idea what it's saying. But at this point, fuck it. I'll defend myself and those who liked my story, because staying quiet is clearly not working.

(edit: it's being pointed out that No Need might not be meant to be taken seriously. If that's the case, then it's a successful troll, well done author. But I felt the need to comment on all this stuff anyways)

And, not to mention, because this whole round was really stressful. Fun, in some ways, for sure, but really just incredibly stressful. It's one thing to have to sit back and say nothing when people are misinterpreting my story (through my own fault!), but it's a whole different thing to sit back and watch people shit all over my story because they didn't like the fact that their opinions were being challenged.

Uh-huh. This review is going to get a little sour grapes at times. Wahey, let's get going.

Miller Minus is a Bad Writer

>>Monokeras
Hey, Mono, how's tricks?

I knew going into this that I probably wasn't breaking new ground here. I hoped I was at least dipping my toes in new ground, but even that's arguable. One thing I will say is that I thought the topic was a risk going in, and in no way a sort of "easy mode". I've seen claims that sad stories (and/or long stories) are easy ways to do well, but I disagree. I think the degree of difficulty is higher, and possibly that leads to them having a stronger impact when done well.

But thank you for your comment!

>>Haze
I agree with this a lot. I mean, the Howl in the Dark application you saw was, er, not my intention, but what you're saying about this being an "Issue" story, and how the themes and messages surrounding that issue weren't clear or unique enough. Yeah. That's pretty on point. So thanks!

>>Hap
Oh, bother. It's too bad you didn't like my story but that's totally fine with me. Nothing in this comment to upset me, no sir. Doot dee too, moving right along.

>>No_Raisin
Well hey, nothing I can do about you not liking it. That's just fine, friend, and thanks for the feedback. There's nothing you said that upsets me particularly.

And now that I've responded to Hap and No Raisin politely, let's do it not so politely.

Miller Minus is Angery

>>Hap
>>No_Raisin

Real talk:

I didn't appreciate this comment.

I didn't appreciate this comment.

And I couldn't help but notice that the nastiness only came out after someone had disagreed with you. When I start seeing comments like these, I can't help but start ignoring the rest of your criticisms, because it starts to seem like you're taking the story personally.

But it's an emotionaly charged story, so I get it, and I'm not going to hold it against you. I just have to call out mean-spiritedness when I see it. I hope we can still be friends.

Miller Minus is a Good Writer

>>Aragon

All the good stories I've read have no comments. Hardly fair, dang.

Time makes comedians of us all, doesn't it?

Thanks for stopping by Ara! And congrats on your medal, it was well deserved. No Raisin is right, the voicing in yours was stronger than in mine, though I will say that your characters were younger, so we were really riding different beasts.

Or were they riding us?

>>Oblomov
Thanks, Oblo.

Now please stop meddling in the US elections.

>>Cassius
I'm putting you under the good heading and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

Thanks for another long-long review, I pretty much agreed with everything you said. The italics are part of a habit I have where anything being said by someone not in the room needs to be highlighted as such, as a way to remind the reader that their voice sounds different. I don't know. I like it. And… I guess it's a way to minimize dialogue tags, too. But that's secondary…

And yes, Tyler sucked. I was essentially modelling Matt's timid dialogue around the protagonist of Bo Burnham's Eighth Grade, but Tyler fell by the wayside and had nothing to him. A lot of his lines weren't improved upon because it felt like I would have to expand, and I had no more room. And yes, I understand that that's my fault.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Hi Dubs! Thanks again to yourself and Quill and NaH for your radio show, the conversation was very interesting. I'm glad you caught the "violence begets violence" aspect of the story! I was starting to wonder if it was too obscure :|.

And thanks for sharing the song! I'm partial to happy songs where the lyrics are kind of horrible. I don't know why it is.

Oh, and also, shoutout to NaH, if he's reading this, for being the only person who called out Tyler's ridiculous reaction to the pranks. The things I cut for wordcount…

Miller Minus is (subheading not found)

Well, that's all from me, and in the end, I'm going to look back on this fondly. I've learned a lot, both in terms of my writing, and in terms of writeoff… etiquette, let's call it. When I write my magnum opus about how being raped is a real bummer, it won't be nearly as controversial as this, I promise.

Anyways, see you guys later, and thanks ag—… Hang on, I just stepped on something...

It's… a sour grape.

My entire floor is sour grapes.