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Morning Palaver II
Celestia moved her rook two squares forward. “Check!” she said. A smile played on her lips.
Luna scrutinized the board and grunted. She grasped one bishop and slid it all the way to the offending rook, that she took away. Celestia didn’t grant her any letup. She immediately brought her queen in.
“Checkmate!” she proclaimed with a triumphant mien.
“Pffft…” Luna kicked the board and all the pieces fell onto the floor.
“Come on, sis!” Celestia protested. “Don’t be a sore loser. Let’s play another one, okay?”
“No,” Luna snapped.
Celestia rolled her eyes. “What’s up now?”
“I’m bored of this game. Whoever invented it was a huge retard.”
Celestia sighed. “Alright. What then?”
Luna stood up and paced around the room. “I don’t know.” She stopped and gestured with her hoof. “I feel so… jaded.”
“What about checkers?”
“We already played that yesterday.”
”Foosball?”
Luna’s mouth puckered. “Yuck! That’s a game for the rabble.”
“You’re such a killjoy. You know we can’t play leapfrog over the moon anymore!”
Luna’s eye glistened. “Or hopscotch with suns!”
“It was nice back then, wasn’t it, eh? Before all that. Before Equestria. Before ponies,” Celestia said.
Luna nodded. She seemed lost in thought for an instant, then she refocussed. “Your fault it came to an end.”
Celestia’s eyes widened. “What? How dare—”
“You were always fawning on dad. You accepted that position because he offered it to you, and I had to follow suit. I never had my say,” Luna cut in.
“You could have turned him down, you know.”
Luna shrugged. “And spend another fraction of eternity with him? You’re kidding, right?”
“You were so enthused, remember? This new material body. Another creation challenge. And you had a lot of fun with your moon, while I was slogging to curb that sun’s nuclear reactions.”
“Sure,” Luna replied. “But now it’s all over. This world works like clockwork. We have jailed or petrified all the villains. There’s no fun to be had anymore, just ennui. This universe has become tame. Time to move on.”
Celestia walked to a window and looked at night sky. “That’s because you never really got involved with ruling. You’ve got the cushy number. Night. Move the moon, move the stars. All sleep, nopony ever shows up to complain. Okay, it’s routine, but no responsibilities. You’re not the one they blame when something goes awry. It’s—” She broke off at the grating sound of an opening door and spun around.
“Luna? Would you stop riffling through that closet, please?” Celestia asked.
“You store potions there? You never told me.”
“Oldies,” Celestia replied. “I think those ones date back to Starswirl, I’m not even sure they’re still eff— What the heck are you doing?”
Luna had seized a few potions in her magic and was juggling them. “Just fooling with a few of them,” Luna said. She adjusted the phials into a vertical line over her head, broke them and chugged their contents down before Celestia could move a muscle.
“WHAT— ARE YOU CRAZY!?” Celestia screamed.
Luna wiped her mouth with a hoof. “De-li-ci-ous! Wonderful bouquet of strawberry,” she said, beaming to her sister.
“Are you out of your mind?” Celestia walked to Luna, glaring daggers at her. “Potions are not meant to be mixed that way! Who knows what will happen to you now? How do you feel?”
“Uh,” Luna replied. “Refreshed! I’m immune to potions anyway, you should know.”
”Who told you that and when?”
“Me. Now.” Luna chortled. “Anyway,” she said, once she’d regained a semblance of composure, “time for me to lower that good ol’ cobble, isn’t it?” She looked at the floor covered in splinters of glass. “Sorry for the mess in your room, ’Tia,” she added. “Call the front desk and request a charmare come. Charge my account for the cleanup!”
She walked out of the room into the corridor, whistling. Celestia followed her silently, stopped on the threshold and watched her recede. When Luna had disappeared beyond the nearest corner, Celestia rolled her eyes again and turned around, closing the door behind her.
She never saw the dazzling flash, nor heard the hysterical laughter that came just after.
Luna scrutinized the board and grunted. She grasped one bishop and slid it all the way to the offending rook, that she took away. Celestia didn’t grant her any letup. She immediately brought her queen in.
“Checkmate!” she proclaimed with a triumphant mien.
“Pffft…” Luna kicked the board and all the pieces fell onto the floor.
“Come on, sis!” Celestia protested. “Don’t be a sore loser. Let’s play another one, okay?”
“No,” Luna snapped.
Celestia rolled her eyes. “What’s up now?”
“I’m bored of this game. Whoever invented it was a huge retard.”
Celestia sighed. “Alright. What then?”
Luna stood up and paced around the room. “I don’t know.” She stopped and gestured with her hoof. “I feel so… jaded.”
“What about checkers?”
“We already played that yesterday.”
”Foosball?”
Luna’s mouth puckered. “Yuck! That’s a game for the rabble.”
“You’re such a killjoy. You know we can’t play leapfrog over the moon anymore!”
Luna’s eye glistened. “Or hopscotch with suns!”
“It was nice back then, wasn’t it, eh? Before all that. Before Equestria. Before ponies,” Celestia said.
Luna nodded. She seemed lost in thought for an instant, then she refocussed. “Your fault it came to an end.”
Celestia’s eyes widened. “What? How dare—”
“You were always fawning on dad. You accepted that position because he offered it to you, and I had to follow suit. I never had my say,” Luna cut in.
“You could have turned him down, you know.”
Luna shrugged. “And spend another fraction of eternity with him? You’re kidding, right?”
“You were so enthused, remember? This new material body. Another creation challenge. And you had a lot of fun with your moon, while I was slogging to curb that sun’s nuclear reactions.”
“Sure,” Luna replied. “But now it’s all over. This world works like clockwork. We have jailed or petrified all the villains. There’s no fun to be had anymore, just ennui. This universe has become tame. Time to move on.”
Celestia walked to a window and looked at night sky. “That’s because you never really got involved with ruling. You’ve got the cushy number. Night. Move the moon, move the stars. All sleep, nopony ever shows up to complain. Okay, it’s routine, but no responsibilities. You’re not the one they blame when something goes awry. It’s—” She broke off at the grating sound of an opening door and spun around.
“Luna? Would you stop riffling through that closet, please?” Celestia asked.
“You store potions there? You never told me.”
“Oldies,” Celestia replied. “I think those ones date back to Starswirl, I’m not even sure they’re still eff— What the heck are you doing?”
Luna had seized a few potions in her magic and was juggling them. “Just fooling with a few of them,” Luna said. She adjusted the phials into a vertical line over her head, broke them and chugged their contents down before Celestia could move a muscle.
“WHAT— ARE YOU CRAZY!?” Celestia screamed.
Luna wiped her mouth with a hoof. “De-li-ci-ous! Wonderful bouquet of strawberry,” she said, beaming to her sister.
“Are you out of your mind?” Celestia walked to Luna, glaring daggers at her. “Potions are not meant to be mixed that way! Who knows what will happen to you now? How do you feel?”
“Uh,” Luna replied. “Refreshed! I’m immune to potions anyway, you should know.”
”Who told you that and when?”
“Me. Now.” Luna chortled. “Anyway,” she said, once she’d regained a semblance of composure, “time for me to lower that good ol’ cobble, isn’t it?” She looked at the floor covered in splinters of glass. “Sorry for the mess in your room, ’Tia,” she added. “Call the front desk and request a charmare come. Charge my account for the cleanup!”
She walked out of the room into the corridor, whistling. Celestia followed her silently, stopped on the threshold and watched her recede. When Luna had disappeared beyond the nearest corner, Celestia rolled her eyes again and turned around, closing the door behind her.
She never saw the dazzling flash, nor heard the hysterical laughter that came just after.
Pics
Fair warning, I’m going to end up comparing anything with “Palaver” in the title to Carabas’s work.
The characterization feels shaky at best. The hints of Equestria’s cosmogony are fascinating, but the rest of the story feels disjointed and disconnected. Things just happen without any apparent underlying theme or purpose. It’s like a Jay and Silent Bob scene in a movie that wasn’t even directed by Kevin Smith. I think the ending is supposed to be an origin for Nightmare Moon, but that isn’t made at all clear. (There’s also the question of what "Morning Palaver I" was, but I can’t exactly hold that against you when I’ve been absent from the Writeoffs for over a year. :P)
In all, figure out what you’re trying to accomplish with this story, then focus on that.
“I’m bored of this game. Whoever invented it was a huge retard.”And that is doing you no favors whatsoever.
The characterization feels shaky at best. The hints of Equestria’s cosmogony are fascinating, but the rest of the story feels disjointed and disconnected. Things just happen without any apparent underlying theme or purpose. It’s like a Jay and Silent Bob scene in a movie that wasn’t even directed by Kevin Smith. I think the ending is supposed to be an origin for Nightmare Moon, but that isn’t made at all clear. (There’s also the question of what "Morning Palaver I" was, but I can’t exactly hold that against you when I’ve been absent from the Writeoffs for over a year. :P)
In all, figure out what you’re trying to accomplish with this story, then focus on that.
I don't know what's going on here. What does the last line mean? Was it Discord disguised as Luna? The origin of Nightmare Moon, like>>FanOfMostEverything said? Just a prank? There's some good absurd comedy this round, this one has got the absurd, it doesn't really land the comedy.
Also, I have a feeling you're going to be hammered hard over that "retard" line. This fic has issues, but there's no need for poor taste to be one of them.
Also, I have a feeling you're going to be hammered hard over that "retard" line. This fic has issues, but there's no need for poor taste to be one of them.
Genre: Electric Boogaloo
Thoughts: Yeah, that's gotta be Discord at the end. Though up to that point it clearly seemed like the... squabbles? Talking heads?... of a young Celestia and Luna. The "retard line" had me sucking air through my teeth over the reaction it was likely to get, though I thought it actually helped establish that this must be from back in the past.
Beyond the ending swerve that creates confusion about who's even in this conversation, I find a sticking point with the fact that it's pretty much 100% dialogue until Luna starts randomly chugging potions. While it's possible to carry a story with just setting and dialogue, I feel like it's much harder than if dialogue and action can be used together.
Props, though, for establishing the setting of the young sisters, and for what appears to be the setup for a Discord prank thing. I feel like that has some potential, if you can play it up a bit.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: Yeah, that's gotta be Discord at the end. Though up to that point it clearly seemed like the... squabbles? Talking heads?... of a young Celestia and Luna. The "retard line" had me sucking air through my teeth over the reaction it was likely to get, though I thought it actually helped establish that this must be from back in the past.
Beyond the ending swerve that creates confusion about who's even in this conversation, I find a sticking point with the fact that it's pretty much 100% dialogue until Luna starts randomly chugging potions. While it's possible to carry a story with just setting and dialogue, I feel like it's much harder than if dialogue and action can be used together.
Props, though, for establishing the setting of the young sisters, and for what appears to be the setup for a Discord prank thing. I feel like that has some potential, if you can play it up a bit.
Tier: Keep Developing
I hate myself.
In other news, this is a comedy, and at first I thought it was going to be a crackfic, judging from those opening lines, but the story ended up playing itself straighter than I had expected.
The result is something absurd, but not absurd enough, and I kind of wished it just kept going in that direction and turned into an episode out of Alice in Wonderland. Or a Super Trampoline fic, I don't know.
The "retards" line made me laugh. Sue me. I tried to imagine Luna saying that line and it's just so ridiculous and out of character that it made me lol. Ya got that?
The part with Luna drinking potions was random, and seriously came from nowhere. I didn't even find it that funny, because I didn't know what was happening, and then the ending happened...
This is one of the most thoroughly confusing entries I've reviewed, which I guess deserves a medal that doesn't exist yet.
It is kind of a shitshow, though, an assessment which I think even or especially the author would agree with.
I'm feeling a light to decent 4 on this.
In other news, this is a comedy, and at first I thought it was going to be a crackfic, judging from those opening lines, but the story ended up playing itself straighter than I had expected.
The result is something absurd, but not absurd enough, and I kind of wished it just kept going in that direction and turned into an episode out of Alice in Wonderland. Or a Super Trampoline fic, I don't know.
The "retards" line made me laugh. Sue me. I tried to imagine Luna saying that line and it's just so ridiculous and out of character that it made me lol. Ya got that?
The part with Luna drinking potions was random, and seriously came from nowhere. I didn't even find it that funny, because I didn't know what was happening, and then the ending happened...
This is one of the most thoroughly confusing entries I've reviewed, which I guess deserves a medal that doesn't exist yet.
It is kind of a shitshow, though, an assessment which I think even or especially the author would agree with.
I'm feeling a light to decent 4 on this.
>>No_Raisin
(Okay I give up, I don't know what the TRAN thing means and it keeps piquing my curiosity. Would you be willing to tell?)
(Okay I give up, I don't know what the TRAN thing means and it keeps piquing my curiosity. Would you be willing to tell?)
>>CoffeeMinion My scoring and ending emulates the Needle Drop's style of reviewing music. At the end of each video he would say "TRAN—" and then cut to a different place and say "—SITION." It's silly, but I got into the habit of doing it.
Neither one of these characters sounds like Celestia or Luna.
I don't understand what happened at the end of the story.
I don't understand what happened at the end of the story.
Celestia and Luna are both quite a bit out of character in this. Use of the word ‘retard’ is something that wasn’t even really acceptable in the 80’s when I first heard it. The random mood swings and subsequent screaming also took me a bit out of it.
I'm fairly certain that we're dealing with a young Celestia and Luna here, and that the ending is that Discord has been impersonating Luna all along. If this is your intention, author, then I think you need to make it absolutely clear in the beginning that these are younger versions of the Princesses. When people read a character's name, they are going to automatically picture the character as they know them and stick with that image. So if we're dealing with an alternate universe, or the past, or some other non-standard set of circumstances, I'm of the opinion that the reader needs to be explicitly told right off the bat, especially in minifics.
... And if I'm wrong and this is actually all supposed to take place in the present day, then I might just be an idiot. :P
I think the whole potion gag feels a little off-putting because it's a bit of a mood whiplash. The middle bits about how Celestia's and Luna's creation/ruling styles differ from one another felt to me like it was setting up for Luna to learn something, or maybe as a subversion for Celestia to somehow make a fool of herself. Instead, we abruptly go into an absurdity gag. A very important part of making a minific that feels complete is creating and managing the reader's expectations for the story. As it is right now, things feel confusing, disjointed, and a little bit schizophrenic to me.
I would suggest for you to try tightening up your focus on exactly what you want the reader to take away from the story, while at the same time making it a tad clearer about what's actually happening. I really like how you used the dialogue to create this breezy, carefree tone, so I think that might be where you want to start when deciding what and how needs to be expanded upon.
... And if I'm wrong and this is actually all supposed to take place in the present day, then I might just be an idiot. :P
I think the whole potion gag feels a little off-putting because it's a bit of a mood whiplash. The middle bits about how Celestia's and Luna's creation/ruling styles differ from one another felt to me like it was setting up for Luna to learn something, or maybe as a subversion for Celestia to somehow make a fool of herself. Instead, we abruptly go into an absurdity gag. A very important part of making a minific that feels complete is creating and managing the reader's expectations for the story. As it is right now, things feel confusing, disjointed, and a little bit schizophrenic to me.
I would suggest for you to try tightening up your focus on exactly what you want the reader to take away from the story, while at the same time making it a tad clearer about what's actually happening. I really like how you used the dialogue to create this breezy, carefree tone, so I think that might be where you want to start when deciding what and how needs to be expanded upon.
Most people are (rightly) pointing out the problems with the "retard" line, but honestly my hackles went up when Luna was depicted as kicking the board in a tantrum. If their characterizations are going to stray so much from the canonical depiction, why bother calling them Celestia and Luna?
You should think carefully about making a convincing character voice that fits what we would expect; Luna in the show has her silly or indulgent moments, but she's mostly a very serious pony (sometimes comedically serious) and her emotional outbursts still reflect that (look at how she behaves in Luna Eclipsed, for example; even when she's angry, she's still bombastic and regal). Here, too often she becomes a graceless brat, and it breaks the story over and over.
Celestia's similar as well. She has a distinct way of speaking, but there's a patch in this fic in particular where she's talking about Luna's "cushy number", and the choice of words, the sentence fragments, and the general informal feel of it is almost antithetical to how she's usually portrayed (not that she can't be informal, but again, she'd still be informal in a way that's not straying too far from her regal, mentor-like, knowing depiction in the show).
That stuff keeps breaking what at first promises to be a look at the two sisters. There are hints of worldbuilding and backstory during their argument that would have made a fine subject for the whole fic to tackle: how, after descending from the heavens to the material world, these two have done such a good job that life has become dull and uninvolving. A fine piece of work, that. You tied it in nicely with their boredom at the beginning of the fic.
But the ending ruins it. You suddenly drop the subject for an extended sequence concerning ill-advised potion-drinking, which is simply pointless. It doesn't build on the previous discussion. It has little logical relevance to the closest thing this fic has to a theme: the ennui of gods/godlike beings. It isn't even constructed with any real punchline, like an actual joke would be. It's just there, like you got distracted by a shiny idea partway through the story and put it in, regardless of whether it fit or not.
The last line is meaningless. If it's meant to be a twist, it's so devoid of explanation or even basic clues that it comes off as something you stuck in for the fun of it. There's nothing there. It doesn't shed new light on what went on before, because it doesn't shed any light at all. The whole fic is one big arbitrary series of "and then this happened and then this happened". Made even worse because it could have capitalized on that one theme I mentioned.
Another suspected crackfic,
EDIT: I owe you an apology as well. This wasn't a nice thing for me to say, and it has no place in a constructive critique. I take it back.
and near the bottom of the slate for me, and that's only because the ideas in the argument about their pasts was the one saving grace. The most fundamental advice I can provide for future improvement is to pick a theme and make sure that the events depicted all make sense, lead logically and causally from one to the other, clue us in on what's happening and why, and develop the idea embodying that theme. (Another would be to work on making distinctive and show-consistent voicing).
You should think carefully about making a convincing character voice that fits what we would expect; Luna in the show has her silly or indulgent moments, but she's mostly a very serious pony (sometimes comedically serious) and her emotional outbursts still reflect that (look at how she behaves in Luna Eclipsed, for example; even when she's angry, she's still bombastic and regal). Here, too often she becomes a graceless brat, and it breaks the story over and over.
Celestia's similar as well. She has a distinct way of speaking, but there's a patch in this fic in particular where she's talking about Luna's "cushy number", and the choice of words, the sentence fragments, and the general informal feel of it is almost antithetical to how she's usually portrayed (not that she can't be informal, but again, she'd still be informal in a way that's not straying too far from her regal, mentor-like, knowing depiction in the show).
That stuff keeps breaking what at first promises to be a look at the two sisters. There are hints of worldbuilding and backstory during their argument that would have made a fine subject for the whole fic to tackle: how, after descending from the heavens to the material world, these two have done such a good job that life has become dull and uninvolving. A fine piece of work, that. You tied it in nicely with their boredom at the beginning of the fic.
But the ending ruins it. You suddenly drop the subject for an extended sequence concerning ill-advised potion-drinking, which is simply pointless. It doesn't build on the previous discussion. It has little logical relevance to the closest thing this fic has to a theme: the ennui of gods/godlike beings. It isn't even constructed with any real punchline, like an actual joke would be. It's just there, like you got distracted by a shiny idea partway through the story and put it in, regardless of whether it fit or not.
The last line is meaningless. If it's meant to be a twist, it's so devoid of explanation or even basic clues that it comes off as something you stuck in for the fun of it. There's nothing there. It doesn't shed new light on what went on before, because it doesn't shed any light at all. The whole fic is one big arbitrary series of "and then this happened and then this happened". Made even worse because it could have capitalized on that one theme I mentioned.
EDIT: I owe you an apology as well. This wasn't a nice thing for me to say, and it has no place in a constructive critique. I take it back.
and near the bottom of the slate for me, and that's only because the ideas in the argument about their pasts was the one saving grace. The most fundamental advice I can provide for future improvement is to pick a theme and make sure that the events depicted all make sense, lead logically and causally from one to the other, clue us in on what's happening and why, and develop the idea embodying that theme. (Another would be to work on making distinctive and show-consistent voicing).
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>axxuy
>>CoffeeMinion
>>No_Raisin
>>Trick_Question
>>Moosetasm
>>Bachiavellian
>>BlueChameleonVI
Thanks to all for reading and commenting, and good luck to the finalists.
This is a scene involving a teen-aged Luna and a barely older Celestia. Luna acts and speaks as a typical teenager (as I can gauge from my own daughter and her friends) : random actions (out of ennui), hissy fits, carelessness and strong words. That’s why I stand by every word I wrote.
The ending is left to your interpretation. Is it Nightmare Moon? Is it Discord? It’s for you to decide, though you might find a clue in the text.
I see no reason for Celestia to speak formally to her sister.
I think Trick and BCVI are right: my headcanon about pony characters has drifted light-years away from what the show-watchers expect. The oldest of you are accustomed to my regular bitching, but it won’t be the case here, as I’m perfectly satisfied with what I wrote. Yet, this is definitely my last pony fic ever: I see no point in carrying on writing what basically can be construed as OF in pony form. I don’t care enough about pony anymore to force my headcanon into the show’s standards, so that’s basically it: goodbye ponies!
However, see you next round for the OF short story!
PS: Oops. The title. I first intended to name it “Moonlight Palaver II” in reference to Carabas. Then I changed Moonlight to Morning in an attempt to distance my “fic” from his, but I didn’t remove the “II” because I thought it sounded like a modern art piece title, and that was fun.
>>axxuy
>>CoffeeMinion
>>No_Raisin
>>Trick_Question
>>Moosetasm
>>Bachiavellian
>>BlueChameleonVI
Thanks to all for reading and commenting, and good luck to the finalists.
This is a scene involving a teen-aged Luna and a barely older Celestia. Luna acts and speaks as a typical teenager (as I can gauge from my own daughter and her friends) : random actions (out of ennui), hissy fits, carelessness and strong words. That’s why I stand by every word I wrote.
The ending is left to your interpretation. Is it Nightmare Moon? Is it Discord? It’s for you to decide, though you might find a clue in the text.
I see no reason for Celestia to speak formally to her sister.
I think Trick and BCVI are right: my headcanon about pony characters has drifted light-years away from what the show-watchers expect. The oldest of you are accustomed to my regular bitching, but it won’t be the case here, as I’m perfectly satisfied with what I wrote. Yet, this is definitely my last pony fic ever: I see no point in carrying on writing what basically can be construed as OF in pony form. I don’t care enough about pony anymore to force my headcanon into the show’s standards, so that’s basically it: goodbye ponies!
However, see you next round for the OF short story!
PS: Oops. The title. I first intended to name it “Moonlight Palaver II” in reference to Carabas. Then I changed Moonlight to Morning in an attempt to distance my “fic” from his, but I didn’t remove the “II” because I thought it sounded like a modern art piece title, and that was fun.