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Wake
Twilight Sparkle leaned against the railing of the balcony, staring up at the inky spaces between the stars. She couldn’t quite put her hoof on it, but there was something about seeing each vulnerable grain of light surrounded by lonely eigengrau that demanded her attention.
She wasn’t sure when Luna appeared, but appear she did in the Night Princess’s usual style—swiftly and unnoticed, but certainly not timidly. The regalia she wore today was special, lined with gold and silver at the edges. It was probably custom-made for tonight, but Twilight hadn’t noticed until now. And honestly, she couldn’t find it in herself to care at the moment.
“Hail, Twilight,” Luna softly said. “How are you?”
“I… I don’t know.” There were very few words that Twilight saying disliked more. But they were all she had. “I think I’m all cried out.”
She looked back out at the sky. The emptiness behind the plane of stars seemed to reach out and tug at her, like a vacuum, as if one void was calling out to another.
“Maybe I’ll cry some more tomorrow,” Twilight admitted, “but for the rest of tonight… I really don’t know what I feel.”
“Aye,” said the Night Princess. And that was all.
Together, the two of them pondered the sleeping heavens. The minutes felt like hours during their passage, but after they were spent, it was as if only the shortest of moments had passed. Then Twilight spoke.
“There’s something wrong with it, Luna.” She pursed her lips in thought as her eyes gazed heavenward. “Something’s not right with the sky, tonight.”
“I know, Twilight.” Luna sighed.
Another short-lived eternity passed between them. Then Luna spoke.
“Has Celestia ever told you about Star Swirl's last night alive?” she asked. When Twilight shook her head, Luna continued. “When I raised the moon, Star Swirl was there. He jumped high and congratulated a little filly for a job well done. With him and my sister at my side, endless possibilities awaited us.
“When I first took hold of the light of the stars and shaped their form, Star Swirl was also there. He looked upon my first amateurish attempts at starscaping, and he was giddy, just as I was, with what I had done. The future seemed clear, and it was a good one, filled to the brim.
“On the night Star Swirl died, decades later, I was there. With an inspiration that only desperation could bring, I crafted a hemisphere of beauty that I have scarce since been able to recreate. All in the hopes that the last thing he would see would comfort him.
“But when he looked upon the skies and the shining jewels I placed in them, he cursed, and he moaned. The very same night that he had thousands of times before called lovely and vibrant, he damned as empty and sterile. And he said many terrible things that I remember to this day. Because there were no more possibilities, and there was no more future. Only a single, monolithic eventuality.”
“That’s an awful story,” Twilight said quietly, when Luna was finished.
“Do you wish I hadn’t told it to you?” asked the Night Princess.
“No,” said Twilight, even though she wasn’t sure why.
Luna nodded. As she looked back up into the sky, the stars were reflected in her dark eyes, like shining jewels.
“There is something about death that makes the night sour,” said Luna. “I feel it, too.”
“Why?” Twilight’s voice was frayed.
“Because the night is a change. It is a transition.” There was a little bit of a smile on Luna’s face that seemed out of place to Twilight. “It is a time for living creatures to rest and ready themselves for the future that awaits for them the next day. But when there are no more futures, the night is something else. The night is the end.”
Twilight’s eyes were already exhausted tonight from crying, but the burning at their edges still threatened to bring new tears. What can she say to Luna?
But then, the Night Princess draped a dark wing over Twilight’s back, and held her closely.
“Twilight Sparkle, earlier you said you knew not how to feel. During my long life, I have not learned either.”
Together, the two of them considered the emptiness of the infinite night sky.
“The sun will chase the moon, will chase the sun,” Luna whispered. “The skies will turn, and the world will not cease to spin madly on.”
She wasn’t sure when Luna appeared, but appear she did in the Night Princess’s usual style—swiftly and unnoticed, but certainly not timidly. The regalia she wore today was special, lined with gold and silver at the edges. It was probably custom-made for tonight, but Twilight hadn’t noticed until now. And honestly, she couldn’t find it in herself to care at the moment.
“Hail, Twilight,” Luna softly said. “How are you?”
“I… I don’t know.” There were very few words that Twilight saying disliked more. But they were all she had. “I think I’m all cried out.”
She looked back out at the sky. The emptiness behind the plane of stars seemed to reach out and tug at her, like a vacuum, as if one void was calling out to another.
“Maybe I’ll cry some more tomorrow,” Twilight admitted, “but for the rest of tonight… I really don’t know what I feel.”
“Aye,” said the Night Princess. And that was all.
Together, the two of them pondered the sleeping heavens. The minutes felt like hours during their passage, but after they were spent, it was as if only the shortest of moments had passed. Then Twilight spoke.
“There’s something wrong with it, Luna.” She pursed her lips in thought as her eyes gazed heavenward. “Something’s not right with the sky, tonight.”
“I know, Twilight.” Luna sighed.
Another short-lived eternity passed between them. Then Luna spoke.
“Has Celestia ever told you about Star Swirl's last night alive?” she asked. When Twilight shook her head, Luna continued. “When I raised the moon, Star Swirl was there. He jumped high and congratulated a little filly for a job well done. With him and my sister at my side, endless possibilities awaited us.
“When I first took hold of the light of the stars and shaped their form, Star Swirl was also there. He looked upon my first amateurish attempts at starscaping, and he was giddy, just as I was, with what I had done. The future seemed clear, and it was a good one, filled to the brim.
“On the night Star Swirl died, decades later, I was there. With an inspiration that only desperation could bring, I crafted a hemisphere of beauty that I have scarce since been able to recreate. All in the hopes that the last thing he would see would comfort him.
“But when he looked upon the skies and the shining jewels I placed in them, he cursed, and he moaned. The very same night that he had thousands of times before called lovely and vibrant, he damned as empty and sterile. And he said many terrible things that I remember to this day. Because there were no more possibilities, and there was no more future. Only a single, monolithic eventuality.”
“That’s an awful story,” Twilight said quietly, when Luna was finished.
“Do you wish I hadn’t told it to you?” asked the Night Princess.
“No,” said Twilight, even though she wasn’t sure why.
Luna nodded. As she looked back up into the sky, the stars were reflected in her dark eyes, like shining jewels.
“There is something about death that makes the night sour,” said Luna. “I feel it, too.”
“Why?” Twilight’s voice was frayed.
“Because the night is a change. It is a transition.” There was a little bit of a smile on Luna’s face that seemed out of place to Twilight. “It is a time for living creatures to rest and ready themselves for the future that awaits for them the next day. But when there are no more futures, the night is something else. The night is the end.”
Twilight’s eyes were already exhausted tonight from crying, but the burning at their edges still threatened to bring new tears. What can she say to Luna?
But then, the Night Princess draped a dark wing over Twilight’s back, and held her closely.
“Twilight Sparkle, earlier you said you knew not how to feel. During my long life, I have not learned either.”
Together, the two of them considered the emptiness of the infinite night sky.
“The sun will chase the moon, will chase the sun,” Luna whispered. “The skies will turn, and the world will not cease to spin madly on.”
”Twilight Sparkle, earlier you said you knew not how to feel. During my long life, I have not learned either.”
Ow.
Absolutely fantastic.
Ow.
Absolutely fantastic.
Yeah, I knew this prompt would mean a lot of sad stories.
This is a touching fic, and says what it needs to and no more. We don't even find out who's dead, and it doesn't matter. It's an evocative mood piece.
One thing I noticed; "What can she say to Luna?" feels like it should be "What could she say to Luna?"
This is a touching fic, and says what it needs to and no more. We don't even find out who's dead, and it doesn't matter. It's an evocative mood piece.
One thing I noticed; "What can she say to Luna?" feels like it should be "What could she say to Luna?"
An evocative and well-written piece, with the third paragraph from the end being indeed powerful.
That said, I feel that the missing context here. There is a sense of loss and a subtext of anger, and there are a couple of hints as to whom left the lands of the living, but it all is a bit too vague to lead to an arc of any kind. We have instead a beautiful scene and a sensation permeating it, yet it isn't enough.
Thank you for having submitted it. Despite my criticism, I liked it a lot.
That said, I feel that the missing context here. There is a sense of loss and a subtext of anger, and there are a couple of hints as to whom left the lands of the living, but it all is a bit too vague to lead to an arc of any kind. We have instead a beautiful scene and a sensation permeating it, yet it isn't enough.
Thank you for having submitted it. Despite my criticism, I liked it a lot.
I feel like I should care for what is going on, but, unfortunately, I didn't. And I wish I could point out the reason why.
Lack of context? I don't think it harms the piece. After all, the focus is on the emotions from the discussion, not on past events, and I believe you didn't give any context for Twi's grieve because it would have lessened the general message you tried to convey.
I can recognise a well crafted story, but I can't feel it.
Now I'm wondering if, since both Luna and Twi are immortals, they somehow have no future too.
Lack of context? I don't think it harms the piece. After all, the focus is on the emotions from the discussion, not on past events, and I believe you didn't give any context for Twi's grieve because it would have lessened the general message you tried to convey.
I can recognise a well crafted story, but I can't feel it.
Now I'm wondering if, since both Luna and Twi are immortals, they somehow have no future too.
I'm afraid I'm with >>Fenton. I am, at best, confused. At worst I am annoyed, because I know that I'm missing something critical, something that should be making me go 'wow'. It's not the lack of context, it's a lack of personal connection, and I feel it is not the fault of the story or it's author. The fault lies in me.
I think.
I'm not sure.
And that's why I am so annoyed.
I think.
I'm not sure.
And that's why I am so annoyed.
This was a poignant read for me. Though the exchange between Twilight and Luna is tentative and subdued, there's a powerful heartbeat underlying each word, and the emotions ring true. There's a certain restraint to the writing, but it's well-crafted and evocative.
I gather readers are meant to draw their own conclusions about the source of this shared grief. That doesn't work for everyone all the time, but it worked for me here.
I gather readers are meant to draw their own conclusions about the source of this shared grief. That doesn't work for everyone all the time, but it worked for me here.
It's a nitpick, but... I'm pretty sure the night sky looks blacker than eigengrau, because the whole point of the idea is that it's in the absence of other light that our eyes can't discern blackness, precisely because of a lack of contrast.
I spent the whole fic wondering who had died. At the end, I realized it didn't really matter to the story. I'm not sure if there's a way to make that clearer at the opening; I'm glad this wasn't a simple tragedy reveal, but I did find the curiosity a little distracting.
I liked the dialogue here; it feels complex and organic, especially in the last third or so.
The description of Luna's appearing made me think "I'm Batman." :P
This really boils down to a change/stasis conflict, but it doesn't really preach one side or the other. Even as someone who tends towards 'change is good', the death of a friend isn't something I'd let go without some grief. I liked that it dwelt in the moment there, and I think the fic is stronger for it.
Very nice overall.
I spent the whole fic wondering who had died. At the end, I realized it didn't really matter to the story. I'm not sure if there's a way to make that clearer at the opening; I'm glad this wasn't a simple tragedy reveal, but I did find the curiosity a little distracting.
I liked the dialogue here; it feels complex and organic, especially in the last third or so.
The description of Luna's appearing made me think "I'm Batman." :P
This really boils down to a change/stasis conflict, but it doesn't really preach one side or the other. Even as someone who tends towards 'change is good', the death of a friend isn't something I'd let go without some grief. I liked that it dwelt in the moment there, and I think the fic is stronger for it.
Very nice overall.
“‘Maybe I’ll cry some more tomorrow,’ Twilight admitted, ‘but for the rest of tonight… I really don’t know what I feel.’
‘Aye,’ said the Night Princess. And that was all.”
Damn, do I love this story.
The moment I’ve quoted above is the first of several excellent exchanges between Twilight and Princess Luna. Luna’s simple response is a quiet acknowledgement of how inadequate words and platitudes can be in the face of loss. Twilight is given the space she needs to form her next thoughts and start us on the track to the rest of the story, and it’s genius having Twilight’s comments be on something directly related to Luna’s purview. Luna can speak with authority on why the sky appears as it does as well as share a story that shows that Twilight isn’t alone in her feeling this way, however sad that story may be. Here we see the strength that words can have, too, as shown by Twilight’s recognizing that she is, on some level, glad to have heard them.
The only critique I have is the line “What can she say to Luna?” I think “could” fits better here to maintain past tense, but it feels like that would still leave a missing element to the sentence. Are the words Twilight is fishing for in response to what Luna just said going to be sympathetic? Angry retaliation? Twilight is obviously upset, but it’s not clear whether she’s angry, sad, overwhelmed, or some combination of those factors. But this is a minor point in an otherwise flawless story.
Make no mistake, Writer - this story is beautiful, and poignant, and possessed of an understanding of grief that I don’t see displayed very often. I’m sincerely glad to have read it. Thank you for sharing this.
Final Though: Apparently only one of my monitors is rendering the difference between black and eigengrau. I have some tinkering to do...
‘Aye,’ said the Night Princess. And that was all.”
Damn, do I love this story.
The moment I’ve quoted above is the first of several excellent exchanges between Twilight and Princess Luna. Luna’s simple response is a quiet acknowledgement of how inadequate words and platitudes can be in the face of loss. Twilight is given the space she needs to form her next thoughts and start us on the track to the rest of the story, and it’s genius having Twilight’s comments be on something directly related to Luna’s purview. Luna can speak with authority on why the sky appears as it does as well as share a story that shows that Twilight isn’t alone in her feeling this way, however sad that story may be. Here we see the strength that words can have, too, as shown by Twilight’s recognizing that she is, on some level, glad to have heard them.
The only critique I have is the line “What can she say to Luna?” I think “could” fits better here to maintain past tense, but it feels like that would still leave a missing element to the sentence. Are the words Twilight is fishing for in response to what Luna just said going to be sympathetic? Angry retaliation? Twilight is obviously upset, but it’s not clear whether she’s angry, sad, overwhelmed, or some combination of those factors. But this is a minor point in an otherwise flawless story.
Make no mistake, Writer - this story is beautiful, and poignant, and possessed of an understanding of grief that I don’t see displayed very often. I’m sincerely glad to have read it. Thank you for sharing this.
Final Though: Apparently only one of my monitors is rendering the difference between black and eigengrau. I have some tinkering to do...
I'm reduced to nitpicks:
This feels like it's breaking away from the tight third-person limited that keeps your emotions intense. You've got the abstract "felt" and passive voice of "had passed" rather than the direct Twilight head-space of comments like "There were very few words that Twilight saying disliked more". Instead, I'd double down on your Twilight focus, which serves the rest of your story well.
Without the 750-word curse, I suggest adding some silence in between query and declaration, to make clear that Luna's talking about context before directly answering the question.
I definitely appreciate that this never answered the question of who died; it leaves a pony-shaped gap in the story that perfectly complements the subject matter. I do wish I hadn't spent so much of the story trying to figure out the identity of the deceased, because that background analysis drew me away from the core emotion, but I'm not sure how best to signpost that that's not a thing the reader should be concerned with (and dropping a name just to get the question out of the way would lose something important, I think).
Otherwise, very solidly done.
Tier: Top Contender
Together, the two of them pondered the sleeping heavens. The minutes felt like hours during their passage, but after they were spent, it was as if only the shortest of moments had passed. Then Twilight spoke.
This feels like it's breaking away from the tight third-person limited that keeps your emotions intense. You've got the abstract "felt" and passive voice of "had passed" rather than the direct Twilight head-space of comments like "There were very few words that Twilight saying disliked more". Instead, I'd double down on your Twilight focus, which serves the rest of your story well.
“Has Celestia ever told you about Star Swirl's last night alive?” she asked. When Twilight shook her head, Luna continued. “When I raised the moon, Star Swirl was there. He jumped high and congratulated a little filly for a job well done. With him and my sister at my side, endless possibilities awaited us ..."
Without the 750-word curse, I suggest adding some silence in between query and declaration, to make clear that Luna's talking about context before directly answering the question.
I definitely appreciate that this never answered the question of who died; it leaves a pony-shaped gap in the story that perfectly complements the subject matter. I do wish I hadn't spent so much of the story trying to figure out the identity of the deceased, because that background analysis drew me away from the core emotion, but I'm not sure how best to signpost that that's not a thing the reader should be concerned with (and dropping a name just to get the question out of the way would lose something important, I think).
Otherwise, very solidly done.
Tier: Top Contender
in a normal story, you'd share some of Twilight's memories with the deceased so we can empathize with her. by not even giving us a name, we can't even sympathize with her.
since the whole point of the story is about inexplicable numbness, this is perfect. It's the exact opposite of how you're expected to write this type of story, but it really works because we can't even latch on to their grief and share it. they're past shock, and there's no sorrow left to pour out, so we get none either. both Twilight and Luna feel distant and missing, emotionally. and being economical for a minific's word limit is a bonus too.
(I'll make a blind wild guess: Celestia died, because of the silver/gold trim on the dress. but it doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, because this isn't a mystery to solve. if the fic outright said it was Celestia, you'd be too busy thinking about how/why/when Celestia died and not focusing on the present mood, wouldn't you?)
that said, I still can't enjoy this fic very much, similar to how some others felt. if it's not the missing context, then maybe there's another reason.
in my case, it might be personal bias. the first half of this is nice, but the second half feels like it falls into a familiar pattern, where a conversation happens, one character imparts some wisdom down to the other, the recipient listens and becomes wiser. to me these feel like author mouthpieces instead of stories. I'm not saying, "conversashunz R dum," but that if this was an action scene instead, it'd be a one-sided battle where the heroine wins because she's stronger and always wins.
stories can still get away with a little preachiness. this is beautifully written, but I think that's what's making it stand out more. the first half is all about making us feel the cold and numb atmosphere between Twilight and Luna, all by denying sympathy. but since we're not in either of their shoes, it's even harder to relate to Luna's words and let them affect us. the speech tries to be grand and cosmic, but it feels hollow to me. I don't think it properly fits within the poignant empty space constructed by the story's beginning.
Despite how much I find to admire about this story on a technical level, I feel like it took the ball and shot it in the wrong goal.
since the whole point of the story is about inexplicable numbness, this is perfect. It's the exact opposite of how you're expected to write this type of story, but it really works because we can't even latch on to their grief and share it. they're past shock, and there's no sorrow left to pour out, so we get none either. both Twilight and Luna feel distant and missing, emotionally. and being economical for a minific's word limit is a bonus too.
(I'll make a blind wild guess: Celestia died, because of the silver/gold trim on the dress. but it doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, because this isn't a mystery to solve. if the fic outright said it was Celestia, you'd be too busy thinking about how/why/when Celestia died and not focusing on the present mood, wouldn't you?)
that said, I still can't enjoy this fic very much, similar to how some others felt. if it's not the missing context, then maybe there's another reason.
in my case, it might be personal bias. the first half of this is nice, but the second half feels like it falls into a familiar pattern, where a conversation happens, one character imparts some wisdom down to the other, the recipient listens and becomes wiser. to me these feel like author mouthpieces instead of stories. I'm not saying, "conversashunz R dum," but that if this was an action scene instead, it'd be a one-sided battle where the heroine wins because she's stronger and always wins.
stories can still get away with a little preachiness. this is beautifully written, but I think that's what's making it stand out more. the first half is all about making us feel the cold and numb atmosphere between Twilight and Luna, all by denying sympathy. but since we're not in either of their shoes, it's even harder to relate to Luna's words and let them affect us. the speech tries to be grand and cosmic, but it feels hollow to me. I don't think it properly fits within the poignant empty space constructed by the story's beginning.
Despite how much I find to admire about this story on a technical level, I feel like it took the ball and shot it in the wrong goal.
I think you went one paragraph too long. Ending on the silence was a lot stronger
There is an inherent disadvantage to using major characters in this sort of story, as you are going to get a notable amount of distraction with people speculating who it is that died, which does, unfortunately, interfere with the core narrative thematics you are going for, as people get distracted by that.
To that end though, your options are kinda limited. Theoretically something like this might work better with OCs or background characters in fanfic, because then people don't care about the "who was it who died" question. You might avert with it the death being of a less important character (e.g. one of Twilight's parents or such, someone who has relatively little fandom care). Of you can just stick it in the air and hope not too many people focus on it.
There is an inherent disadvantage to using major characters in this sort of story, as you are going to get a notable amount of distraction with people speculating who it is that died, which does, unfortunately, interfere with the core narrative thematics you are going for, as people get distracted by that.
To that end though, your options are kinda limited. Theoretically something like this might work better with OCs or background characters in fanfic, because then people don't care about the "who was it who died" question. You might avert with it the death being of a less important character (e.g. one of Twilight's parents or such, someone who has relatively little fandom care). Of you can just stick it in the air and hope not too many people focus on it.
I can't decide if the lack of context is a flaw or a strong point. For me, it's really great that the implicit death is not explicitly told, just hinted very subtly. Maybe too much subtly, though. I'm with Haze here, I'm convinced it's Celestia who died If my interpretation is correct, then an extra small hint wouldn't have hurt.
If instead I'm wrong, then... does it actually matter who died? We have a sense of loss and we assume it was someone important to Twilight. Luna's words don't have any less emotional impact. If it's revealed that it's Donut Joe or somepony less important, though, it does affect the story.
Either way, there's some kind of beauty in leaving the death / tragic event as an implicit background event.
Loved it. Top tier.
If instead I'm wrong, then... does it actually matter who died? We have a sense of loss and we assume it was someone important to Twilight. Luna's words don't have any less emotional impact. If it's revealed that it's Donut Joe or somepony less important, though, it does affect the story.
Either way, there's some kind of beauty in leaving the death / tragic event as an implicit background event.
Loved it. Top tier.
Ugh, sometimes I think work is eating my life away. Not just because it takes away half my day, but also it's that when I get home, I'm usually so spent that I don't want to do anything of value at all. But I'm glad I managed to get myself into the runnings this month, and I've had a lot of fun. So thank you all for that! :)
Retrospective: Wake
Before I begin, I just have to share a tidbit of the Discord chat that almost made me want to break anonymity then and there:
Because whenever I'm going for a mood piece, I tend to pick a song with the tone I'm going for and then I try to evoke the feeling the song brings out in me. And guess what kind of music Wake's song was?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppzTFgwZxhc
I got a helluva kick out of the fact that somebody unintentionally nailed about 50% of my brainstorming process. :derpytongue:
Okay, not-so-cosmic coincidences aside, I went into this Writeoff just hoping to get anything in, so the fact that Wake did so well puts a bit grin on my face. I've been having trouble putting in entries recently because I think I tend to over-think my ideas until they're big, ugly, messy messes. And by the time I finally come up with something I like, I've wasted 80% of the writing time. So this time, I told myself that I would write literally the first idea that the prompt gave me. Said first idea turned out to be of a pony doing a really awful job of comforting another pony at a funeral. And it kinda just went from there.
Regarding what pretty much everyone is wondering, I'll be honest and say that I don't really know who died. The one thing I really wanted to avoid while working on this idea was the story being another "hey look at this dead pony and be sad" shtick. So in the end, I just decided to totally ignore it. That's part of where the title comes from; this is a story about the wake (as in, aftermath/consequences) of a death, not the death itself. That being said, I wrote this story specifically with the thought that Twilight was closer to the deceased than Luna, so I personally have a bit of trouble seeing Celestia in the role.
BTW, I really overthink my titles, so for those of you who are undoubtedly wondering, the other meaning of it (aside from the obvious funeral reference) was supposed to be referring to the end of the night. I had hoped that the story as a whole would have a little bit of a more hopeful tone, but it looks like I didn't do a good job of making that emotion clear.
Final thought, I would have bet my left arm that I should have been guessed this round. I mean, it checks all of my boxes! Princess, Star Swirl, angst, and talking heads--it really couldn't have made it more obvious. :P
>>regidar
Thank you for your thoughts; I'm very happy that you liked it!
>>Bremen
>>Icenrose
My addiction to the present tense strikes once again. And I thought I was doing so well this time! Thank you both for sharing your thoughts, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Haze
Thank you so much for your feedback! Yeah, I debated a bunch about how to approach the death, and in the end I decided that I really, really didn't want to write a death sympathy fic. I thought that by not revealing the pony in question, Twilight could take stage center a bit better, but in hindsight I realize that this is distracting at best and irritatingly vague at worst. Appreciate your reviews; they were very insightful!
>>Fenton
>>PaulAsaran
I totally get what you guys are saying. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the story just kinda happens, without a driving conflict. If I could do it all over again, I'd probably find some way to make this conversation get a bit heated or something just to give the story more momentum.
>>WillowWren
I'm very happy that the story worked for you! Thank you for leaving your thoughts.
>>Not_A_Hat
Can't you just let me use pretty words? :P But seriously, thank you a bunch for leaving your thoughts. I very much enjoyed writing the dialogue, so I'm glad that you enjoyed it too!
>>horizon
Totally agree with the perspective break you point out. I think it's obvious that I was having trouble with that particular little paragraph, and I kinda just powered through it without giving it the thought it should have gotten. And I, too, have no idea how to let the readers know that they're never going to find out who died. Thank you for your review!
>>AndrewRogue
In hindsight, I fully agree that the last paragraph is redundant. And if I decide to publish, I'll definitely do some more thinking about how to curb reader distraction, which I'm sure is going to be more of a problem among the Fimfic general audience than it is here. Thank you so much for your feedback!
>>moonwhisper
Happy you liked it! Like I said earlier, in my head it's not Celestia, but I do believe in the death of the author, so I would lend a reader's interpretation more weight than my stray ideas. Thank you for dropping a comment!
Whew, I think that's everyone. Hard to tell without a preview function (hint hint, Roger!), so if I missed replying to someone, just know that I was happy to read everyone's reviews and I enjoyed them all very much.
Hopefully, I'll see you guys in the next one!
Retrospective: Wake
Before I begin, I just have to share a tidbit of the Discord chat that almost made me want to break anonymity then and there:
i am dead inside - Last Thursday at 2:04 PM
because wake reads like a really poignant ambient/post-rock track and I see stories a lot of the time when i listen to music
but i don't often hear music when i read stories
so the fact that the prose is able to evoke that gives it hella points for me
Because whenever I'm going for a mood piece, I tend to pick a song with the tone I'm going for and then I try to evoke the feeling the song brings out in me. And guess what kind of music Wake's song was?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppzTFgwZxhc
I got a helluva kick out of the fact that somebody unintentionally nailed about 50% of my brainstorming process. :derpytongue:
Okay, not-so-cosmic coincidences aside, I went into this Writeoff just hoping to get anything in, so the fact that Wake did so well puts a bit grin on my face. I've been having trouble putting in entries recently because I think I tend to over-think my ideas until they're big, ugly, messy messes. And by the time I finally come up with something I like, I've wasted 80% of the writing time. So this time, I told myself that I would write literally the first idea that the prompt gave me. Said first idea turned out to be of a pony doing a really awful job of comforting another pony at a funeral. And it kinda just went from there.
Regarding what pretty much everyone is wondering, I'll be honest and say that I don't really know who died. The one thing I really wanted to avoid while working on this idea was the story being another "hey look at this dead pony and be sad" shtick. So in the end, I just decided to totally ignore it. That's part of where the title comes from; this is a story about the wake (as in, aftermath/consequences) of a death, not the death itself. That being said, I wrote this story specifically with the thought that Twilight was closer to the deceased than Luna, so I personally have a bit of trouble seeing Celestia in the role.
BTW, I really overthink my titles, so for those of you who are undoubtedly wondering, the other meaning of it (aside from the obvious funeral reference) was supposed to be referring to the end of the night. I had hoped that the story as a whole would have a little bit of a more hopeful tone, but it looks like I didn't do a good job of making that emotion clear.
Final thought, I would have bet my left arm that I should have been guessed this round. I mean, it checks all of my boxes! Princess, Star Swirl, angst, and talking heads--it really couldn't have made it more obvious. :P
>>regidar
Thank you for your thoughts; I'm very happy that you liked it!
>>Bremen
>>Icenrose
One thing I noticed; "What can she say to Luna?" feels like it should be "What could she say to Luna?"
“What can she say to Luna?” I think “could” fits better here to maintain past tense
My addiction to the present tense strikes once again. And I thought I was doing so well this time! Thank you both for sharing your thoughts, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Haze
Thank you so much for your feedback! Yeah, I debated a bunch about how to approach the death, and in the end I decided that I really, really didn't want to write a death sympathy fic. I thought that by not revealing the pony in question, Twilight could take stage center a bit better, but in hindsight I realize that this is distracting at best and irritatingly vague at worst. Appreciate your reviews; they were very insightful!
>>Fenton
>>PaulAsaran
I totally get what you guys are saying. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the story just kinda happens, without a driving conflict. If I could do it all over again, I'd probably find some way to make this conversation get a bit heated or something just to give the story more momentum.
>>WillowWren
I'm very happy that the story worked for you! Thank you for leaving your thoughts.
>>Not_A_Hat
Can't you just let me use pretty words? :P But seriously, thank you a bunch for leaving your thoughts. I very much enjoyed writing the dialogue, so I'm glad that you enjoyed it too!
>>horizon
Totally agree with the perspective break you point out. I think it's obvious that I was having trouble with that particular little paragraph, and I kinda just powered through it without giving it the thought it should have gotten. And I, too, have no idea how to let the readers know that they're never going to find out who died. Thank you for your review!
>>AndrewRogue
In hindsight, I fully agree that the last paragraph is redundant. And if I decide to publish, I'll definitely do some more thinking about how to curb reader distraction, which I'm sure is going to be more of a problem among the Fimfic general audience than it is here. Thank you so much for your feedback!
>>moonwhisper
Happy you liked it! Like I said earlier, in my head it's not Celestia, but I do believe in the death of the author, so I would lend a reader's interpretation more weight than my stray ideas. Thank you for dropping a comment!
Whew, I think that's everyone. Hard to tell without a preview function (hint hint, Roger!), so if I missed replying to someone, just know that I was happy to read everyone's reviews and I enjoyed them all very much.
Hopefully, I'll see you guys in the next one!
>>Bachiavellian
Hey! I was that somebody!
Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t have anything more to say. That line quite literally winded me when I read it. I felt like anything else was extraneous to say.
This was the song I imagined when I read the story: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7fpI2PPRAM4
(That modest mouse one is a banger tho)
Hey! I was that somebody!
Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t have anything more to say. That line quite literally winded me when I read it. I felt like anything else was extraneous to say.
This was the song I imagined when I read the story: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7fpI2PPRAM4
(That modest mouse one is a banger tho)
>>regidar
I was pretty sure it was you, but with all the seasonal name/profile pic changes in Discord, I'll be honest that I was paranoid that I'd get it wrong somehow. I mean, I have a tough enough time with names and faces in real life. :P
Don't sweat it; I'm just glad you liked the story!
I was pretty sure it was you, but with all the seasonal name/profile pic changes in Discord, I'll be honest that I was paranoid that I'd get it wrong somehow. I mean, I have a tough enough time with names and faces in real life. :P
Don't sweat it; I'm just glad you liked the story!