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Doug innit
The tale of Doug is a hardened, painful and sexy one, taking about 2000 words to tell. It all started when the earth was created, but to be quite honest the story only becomes eventful at around the year 1834 so we can skip up until then. Doug was born within this year. Again, the narrative's pacing slows significantly so we’ll skip again to 1852 when Doug becomes a legal adult.
Doug awoke on his 18th birthday to warm celebration. Back in those days, presents didn’t exist yet so Doug just received the usual onset of depression we still see to this day. As the celebrations wound down to a close however, Doug’s remaining parent, (the father died during childbirth) his mother, donned a more serious tone. “Follow me, child” she firmly spoke, as she gestured up the stairs. The two reached the balcony overlooking the local starbucks/burger king joint restaurant buildings, you don’t see them much anymore but they were sort of common back then.
“Why have you brought me here, mother?” inquired Doug.
“I have something mightily important to tell you, I wish your father were here to do it but he is still dead.”
Doug listened on intently.
“Now that you are grown up, I am obligated to tell you about the power bestowed upon you. This is the power that both allows the earth the breathe, but also contains the potential to destroy it. This is the power of NUT.”
Doug had heard of this power before but thought it was just legend, like santa claus, mythical dragons or cleveland from family guy.
“Usually we keep the power of NUT as kind of an in-joke between our family, however the land is in great peril and you are the only one left who can save us all.” Doug’s mother explained.
“Great peril? Why haven’t you tried to save use with the power of NUT?” responded Doug
“Because I am a woman and therefore weak.”
Unsurprisingly 1852 wasn’t a time of gender equality so don’t @ me.
“Doug, you must go and defeat the evil Skele-King with your powers of NUT and look inside his treasure chest of secrets and once you do, you will be able to save us.”
Doug took this newfound responsibility rather well and accepted the whole situation. Especially the part about his mother being weak because she is a woman, not because he’s particularly bigoted, but because it’s 1852 and what are you gonna do?
“But how do I utilise this power mother?”
“You will find out in time child, but for now go, In the meantime I’m gonna find you a new stepdaddy.”
Doug donned a sick ass cape and wielded his trusty short sword as he ventured out. Once the door closed and he put up his hood, Children of the Sea by Black Sabbath started playing and it was really fucking metal. Also Heaven and Hell is a better album than Paranoid.
Dougs first destination would be the Hilltop of Dire Struggle. However his first destination ended up being a titty bar, so the Hilltop of Dire Struggle was his second destination. Once he reached the top of the hill, he saw nothing out of the ordinary. This was surprising as the hilltop had a sick nasty name.
His third destination was the Cave of Despair. This name was more meaningful than the hilltops name, as Doug died. Once he had respawned and walked all the way back, he quicksaved before venturing through. Inside the cave, Doug walked AROUND the boobytrapped box which read “FREE PORNO MAGS” and then met his first foe.
A small gremlin man stood in his way.
“Get out of my way small gremlin man” Doug said
“No” he replied
And just when Doug had lost all hope, the gremlin man started to sing
“Throw me a penny and I'll make you a dream
You find that life's not always what it seems, no no
Then think of a rainbow and I'll make it come real
Roll me, I'm a never ending wheel
I'll give you a star
So you know just where you are
Don't you know that I might be
Your wishing well
Your wishin-”
In that moment, Doug felt the NUT coarse throughout his veins. He dealt what would henceforth known as the: NUT PUNCH.
Doug continued as the gremlin cried like a punk bitch.
Doug exited the cave and found himself inside an underwater city that kinda reminded him of Naboo from Star Wars episode 1, but that movie was shite so he suppressed the feeling for farmiliarity. There he saw a suave man in a checkered hat called zeppelino.
“You there! In the hood! With the sword! And Children of the Sea playing in the background!”
“Me?” Doug asked
“Yes.” zembompoli replied
“Doug, I will teach you in the ways of the NUT. Even if it kills me.”
Then a shadow forecast over zembimbo.
Over the following weeks, zemgingus trained Doug in the way of the NUT, day and night, NUT went back and forth between the two men. Then one day, they were ready.
“Doug, we have NUT together long enough, you are ready to fulfill your destiny and save the world.” zegrigono told doug
Then zembolorolo fell down the stairs
“DOUG, THIS IS THE LAST OF MY NUT!
TAKE IT FROM MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”
And just before he died he put all of his NUT power into his headband and encased it in a blood bubble.
Doug took the headband into his hands and looked towards the sky
“ZEMGRINGOSMARPH!”
Doug had to soldier on. There was only one more place to go: The Skele-King's fortress castle. After riding his swegway closeby he scouted out the castles fortifications. There was a total of 16 Skeleton guards nearby but one might have been jacking it? So really it was more like 15.
Doug made his approach, sneakily taking down the skelemen one by one. He used the power of NUT to silence any noise around him allowing him to pass through without a sound.
“What was that noise?” a skele guard said
“fuck” responded doug
Doug forgot that isn't actually how the NUT power works and that one skeleton who was jacking it was actually just sharpening a big ass sword, which really should have been more obvious from the start because skeletons don't have dicks.
“Ow, my dick!” one of the skeletons said after being hit in the dick by Dougs NUT
The only two people left were Doug and the skeleton with a big ass sword.
Doug did a cool backflip and then the skeleton had to run away, not because he was scared, but because he was sexually flustered.
Doug walked into the main room of the fortress castle and inside there were only two guards. Through the door past them, is the chamber of the Skele-King.
The two guards did not wield weapons as such, but instead dope af electric guitars.
The clouds in the sky parted and an angel ascended down wielding the sickest guitar the world has ever seen. After crashing through the window the angel played the solo from Stand Up and Shout before handing the guitar over.
“Doug, Child of God and saviour of the mortal world, defeat these guards in a duel of the sickest riffs and you will be able to pass.”
Then the angel raised up her hands giving the horns as she headbanged her way back up to heaven.
It was a 2 on one battle, the skeletons busted out some weak shit but since they played together, they were daunting foes. But Doug was having none of that shit, right then and there the played the sickest most insane riff/solo anyone had ever played, and 2 days later, he finished playing. The Skeletons were mere dust and the movement of tectonic plates shifted. The castle was on the edge of a gigantic shift of land mass and was now bordering a huge cliff, the back wall destroyed and exposed. The wall containing the chamber of the Skele-King, it was perfect, all Doug had to do was NUT the Skele-King off the cliff.
As Doug entered the chamber, the Skele-King sat in his throne made of diamond encrusted diamonds and the bones of endangered animals such as the bearbra, it's like a zebra but also a bear. In the Skele-King's lap was the head of zembrolololinguini.
“Why must you hold the heads of my fallen master, zepollio?!” Doug asked brimming with emotion and NUT
“I don’t really know, just seemed like a villain kind of thing to do”
Doug quickly ran out the room to quicksave again and once re-entering the room he found the Skele-King was in a full suit of armor and carried “Bronglesein” the fabled magical staff which has the power to use the spell “Polymorph” as many times as the user desires. But it's pretty much like the hearthstone version of polymorph where it turns people and things into sheep.
The skele-king started going apeshit on everything around him trying to hit Doug with the spell, book, potions and that raunchy calendar he received last christmas were all turning into sheep of various sizes. Doug was avoiding spells by using the power of NUT to dodge at incredible speeds. Eventually the Skele-King realized the amount of sheep was becoming problematic, so he tried counting them for insurance purposes. This of course put him to sleep.
After slaughtering his way through many sheep, feeling a bit peckish, Doug cooked up some mutton with his NUT and also put together a nice garlic sauce to really bring the dish together.
Arriving at the Skele-Kings sleeping body, Doug charged up his final NUT punch. It would be his last time using the power of NUT.
He threw his final punch but missed like an idiot.
The ground shook as if god himself smashed his girthy penis down onto the earth.
The skele-king awoke and threw Doug backwards and he landed in a bin filled with a suspicious amount of tissues.
“You stupid fuck, you wasted all your NUT, what will you do now?” spoke the skele-king
Doug looked up and noticed the skele-king was standing in front of the collapsed wall, exposing the cliffside. If he could just push the king, it would all be over.
Doug ran forwards, his life flashing before his eyes.
A lot more masturbating than expected, but it was a good one.
Doug shoved the Skele-King with all the force he could muster, but as he fell, he managed to grab the edge of the cliff in one final attempt at saving his own life. Or, skeleton life? To be honest i don't really know how life works for skeletons because they’re like conscious and shit but they don't have no brain or heart innit.
“Doug, if you spare me now, we can join forces and become more powerful than anyone ever has before!”
This sounded tempting, but this plan likely required turning everyone into skeletons to rule over, and the whole point of ruling is to get mad puss, but skelepuss sounds pretty ratchet so doug decided that it was best to just end it here.
“You could say… I have a bone to pick with you”
Doug then kicked the skele-king's hand off of the edge.
All things considered, the pun was shite, but it worked and the king was defeated.
After ruffling around the chamber for a while, there was no treasure chest to be found, however there was a trap door under the rug with big titties embroidered on it.
Doug went down into the trap door and inside there was indeed a treasure chest. The very one required to save the world. Doug opened it slowly and revealed a piece of paper upon a velvet pillow.
The note read as follows:
“Send anime tiddies and thighs to @LalzuSSBM on twitter”
Also doug grew up to be Doug Walker, yeah the fucking nostalgia critic
Why? Because fuck you that’s why. get the fuck outta here
Doug awoke on his 18th birthday to warm celebration. Back in those days, presents didn’t exist yet so Doug just received the usual onset of depression we still see to this day. As the celebrations wound down to a close however, Doug’s remaining parent, (the father died during childbirth) his mother, donned a more serious tone. “Follow me, child” she firmly spoke, as she gestured up the stairs. The two reached the balcony overlooking the local starbucks/burger king joint restaurant buildings, you don’t see them much anymore but they were sort of common back then.
“Why have you brought me here, mother?” inquired Doug.
“I have something mightily important to tell you, I wish your father were here to do it but he is still dead.”
Doug listened on intently.
“Now that you are grown up, I am obligated to tell you about the power bestowed upon you. This is the power that both allows the earth the breathe, but also contains the potential to destroy it. This is the power of NUT.”
Doug had heard of this power before but thought it was just legend, like santa claus, mythical dragons or cleveland from family guy.
“Usually we keep the power of NUT as kind of an in-joke between our family, however the land is in great peril and you are the only one left who can save us all.” Doug’s mother explained.
“Great peril? Why haven’t you tried to save use with the power of NUT?” responded Doug
“Because I am a woman and therefore weak.”
Unsurprisingly 1852 wasn’t a time of gender equality so don’t @ me.
“Doug, you must go and defeat the evil Skele-King with your powers of NUT and look inside his treasure chest of secrets and once you do, you will be able to save us.”
Doug took this newfound responsibility rather well and accepted the whole situation. Especially the part about his mother being weak because she is a woman, not because he’s particularly bigoted, but because it’s 1852 and what are you gonna do?
“But how do I utilise this power mother?”
“You will find out in time child, but for now go, In the meantime I’m gonna find you a new stepdaddy.”
Doug donned a sick ass cape and wielded his trusty short sword as he ventured out. Once the door closed and he put up his hood, Children of the Sea by Black Sabbath started playing and it was really fucking metal. Also Heaven and Hell is a better album than Paranoid.
Dougs first destination would be the Hilltop of Dire Struggle. However his first destination ended up being a titty bar, so the Hilltop of Dire Struggle was his second destination. Once he reached the top of the hill, he saw nothing out of the ordinary. This was surprising as the hilltop had a sick nasty name.
His third destination was the Cave of Despair. This name was more meaningful than the hilltops name, as Doug died. Once he had respawned and walked all the way back, he quicksaved before venturing through. Inside the cave, Doug walked AROUND the boobytrapped box which read “FREE PORNO MAGS” and then met his first foe.
A small gremlin man stood in his way.
“Get out of my way small gremlin man” Doug said
“No” he replied
And just when Doug had lost all hope, the gremlin man started to sing
“Throw me a penny and I'll make you a dream
You find that life's not always what it seems, no no
Then think of a rainbow and I'll make it come real
Roll me, I'm a never ending wheel
I'll give you a star
So you know just where you are
Don't you know that I might be
Your wishing well
Your wishin-”
In that moment, Doug felt the NUT coarse throughout his veins. He dealt what would henceforth known as the: NUT PUNCH.
Doug continued as the gremlin cried like a punk bitch.
Doug exited the cave and found himself inside an underwater city that kinda reminded him of Naboo from Star Wars episode 1, but that movie was shite so he suppressed the feeling for farmiliarity. There he saw a suave man in a checkered hat called zeppelino.
“You there! In the hood! With the sword! And Children of the Sea playing in the background!”
“Me?” Doug asked
“Yes.” zembompoli replied
“Doug, I will teach you in the ways of the NUT. Even if it kills me.”
Then a shadow forecast over zembimbo.
Over the following weeks, zemgingus trained Doug in the way of the NUT, day and night, NUT went back and forth between the two men. Then one day, they were ready.
“Doug, we have NUT together long enough, you are ready to fulfill your destiny and save the world.” zegrigono told doug
Then zembolorolo fell down the stairs
“DOUG, THIS IS THE LAST OF MY NUT!
TAKE IT FROM MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”
And just before he died he put all of his NUT power into his headband and encased it in a blood bubble.
Doug took the headband into his hands and looked towards the sky
“ZEMGRINGOSMARPH!”
Doug had to soldier on. There was only one more place to go: The Skele-King's fortress castle. After riding his swegway closeby he scouted out the castles fortifications. There was a total of 16 Skeleton guards nearby but one might have been jacking it? So really it was more like 15.
Doug made his approach, sneakily taking down the skelemen one by one. He used the power of NUT to silence any noise around him allowing him to pass through without a sound.
“What was that noise?” a skele guard said
“fuck” responded doug
Doug forgot that isn't actually how the NUT power works and that one skeleton who was jacking it was actually just sharpening a big ass sword, which really should have been more obvious from the start because skeletons don't have dicks.
“Ow, my dick!” one of the skeletons said after being hit in the dick by Dougs NUT
The only two people left were Doug and the skeleton with a big ass sword.
Doug did a cool backflip and then the skeleton had to run away, not because he was scared, but because he was sexually flustered.
Doug walked into the main room of the fortress castle and inside there were only two guards. Through the door past them, is the chamber of the Skele-King.
The two guards did not wield weapons as such, but instead dope af electric guitars.
The clouds in the sky parted and an angel ascended down wielding the sickest guitar the world has ever seen. After crashing through the window the angel played the solo from Stand Up and Shout before handing the guitar over.
“Doug, Child of God and saviour of the mortal world, defeat these guards in a duel of the sickest riffs and you will be able to pass.”
Then the angel raised up her hands giving the horns as she headbanged her way back up to heaven.
It was a 2 on one battle, the skeletons busted out some weak shit but since they played together, they were daunting foes. But Doug was having none of that shit, right then and there the played the sickest most insane riff/solo anyone had ever played, and 2 days later, he finished playing. The Skeletons were mere dust and the movement of tectonic plates shifted. The castle was on the edge of a gigantic shift of land mass and was now bordering a huge cliff, the back wall destroyed and exposed. The wall containing the chamber of the Skele-King, it was perfect, all Doug had to do was NUT the Skele-King off the cliff.
As Doug entered the chamber, the Skele-King sat in his throne made of diamond encrusted diamonds and the bones of endangered animals such as the bearbra, it's like a zebra but also a bear. In the Skele-King's lap was the head of zembrolololinguini.
“Why must you hold the heads of my fallen master, zepollio?!” Doug asked brimming with emotion and NUT
“I don’t really know, just seemed like a villain kind of thing to do”
Doug quickly ran out the room to quicksave again and once re-entering the room he found the Skele-King was in a full suit of armor and carried “Bronglesein” the fabled magical staff which has the power to use the spell “Polymorph” as many times as the user desires. But it's pretty much like the hearthstone version of polymorph where it turns people and things into sheep.
The skele-king started going apeshit on everything around him trying to hit Doug with the spell, book, potions and that raunchy calendar he received last christmas were all turning into sheep of various sizes. Doug was avoiding spells by using the power of NUT to dodge at incredible speeds. Eventually the Skele-King realized the amount of sheep was becoming problematic, so he tried counting them for insurance purposes. This of course put him to sleep.
After slaughtering his way through many sheep, feeling a bit peckish, Doug cooked up some mutton with his NUT and also put together a nice garlic sauce to really bring the dish together.
Arriving at the Skele-Kings sleeping body, Doug charged up his final NUT punch. It would be his last time using the power of NUT.
He threw his final punch but missed like an idiot.
The ground shook as if god himself smashed his girthy penis down onto the earth.
The skele-king awoke and threw Doug backwards and he landed in a bin filled with a suspicious amount of tissues.
“You stupid fuck, you wasted all your NUT, what will you do now?” spoke the skele-king
Doug looked up and noticed the skele-king was standing in front of the collapsed wall, exposing the cliffside. If he could just push the king, it would all be over.
Doug ran forwards, his life flashing before his eyes.
A lot more masturbating than expected, but it was a good one.
Doug shoved the Skele-King with all the force he could muster, but as he fell, he managed to grab the edge of the cliff in one final attempt at saving his own life. Or, skeleton life? To be honest i don't really know how life works for skeletons because they’re like conscious and shit but they don't have no brain or heart innit.
“Doug, if you spare me now, we can join forces and become more powerful than anyone ever has before!”
This sounded tempting, but this plan likely required turning everyone into skeletons to rule over, and the whole point of ruling is to get mad puss, but skelepuss sounds pretty ratchet so doug decided that it was best to just end it here.
“You could say… I have a bone to pick with you”
Doug then kicked the skele-king's hand off of the edge.
All things considered, the pun was shite, but it worked and the king was defeated.
After ruffling around the chamber for a while, there was no treasure chest to be found, however there was a trap door under the rug with big titties embroidered on it.
Doug went down into the trap door and inside there was indeed a treasure chest. The very one required to save the world. Doug opened it slowly and revealed a piece of paper upon a velvet pillow.
The note read as follows:
“Send anime tiddies and thighs to @LalzuSSBM on twitter”
Also doug grew up to be Doug Walker, yeah the fucking nostalgia critic
Why? Because fuck you that’s why. get the fuck outta here
Pics
This is a load of random dankitude and silliness. I smiled a few times. Author, I can’t call this a particularly strong effort, but at least you telegraph your intent in the first paragraph and manage to more or less hit it.
Trying in my few spare moments this week to review the stories with not enough love. Unfortunately, author, I don't know that I have a lot of love to add here, but I'll try at least to be useful.
I have certainly been known to enjoy random comedies, but I felt like this one … tried too hard? (That judgment may tell you more about me than about your story, but let me explain. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) It was extremely relentless with the jokes — which really seems like it ought to be a good thing, but I felt like in its rush to make every single line a punchline, it leaned too hard on randomness, which ironically made it more predictable. ("Oh, look, another non sequitur!")
I felt like some of that randomness was actually funny ("Unsurprisingly 1852 wasn’t a time of gender equality so don’t @ me"), so good job! But other parts felt much more lazy, checking off all the boxes of the bog-standard Random Comedy clichés — turning things into a video game, invoking the power of heavy metal, making risque jokes, etc. For me this started right in the first line, with the self-deprecating 2000-word joke. For >>GroaningGreyAgony that was a positive, setting expectations appropriately, and credit to you certainly for that; but in my case it got me cringing and bracing for my personal worst-case scenario, which was, well, exactly what you delivered.
So, apologies, author, but I would really have preferred a random comedy that chose a single insane premise and then ran with it well past its logical conclusion — just because something is a crackfic doesn't mean it can't be internally coherent. I know, I know, "what fun is there in making sense?", but again see the thing about predictability: the more often you use "this makes no sense!" as a punchline, the more you condition readers to not expect sense, so each individual punchline carries less and less humorous weight.
Less reliant on my humor tastes, there's also a number of cases of unnecessary repetition which could be cleaned up to make the piece unambiguously stronger:
That's already implied. Don't belabor the point.
This is sort of a cross between a redundancy problem and a joke-structure problem. What you're trying to do is set up the expectation that he has one parent due to a childbirth death, and then break the expectation with the punchline that it was his father. So the current wording explains the joke after the punchline. Just removing "his mother" doesn't fix your problem, though. You could say "Doug's mother (his father died during childbirth)", which flows well, but reduces the focus on the joke. What you might have to do is set up the childbirth death a few sentences or paragraphs earlier and then drop the father being the dead one as a brick joke.
Anyway, I'm gonna give this one a miss but I hope this helps you tidy the piece up regardless.
Tier: Misaimed
I have certainly been known to enjoy random comedies, but I felt like this one … tried too hard? (That judgment may tell you more about me than about your story, but let me explain. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) It was extremely relentless with the jokes — which really seems like it ought to be a good thing, but I felt like in its rush to make every single line a punchline, it leaned too hard on randomness, which ironically made it more predictable. ("Oh, look, another non sequitur!")
I felt like some of that randomness was actually funny ("Unsurprisingly 1852 wasn’t a time of gender equality so don’t @ me"), so good job! But other parts felt much more lazy, checking off all the boxes of the bog-standard Random Comedy clichés — turning things into a video game, invoking the power of heavy metal, making risque jokes, etc. For me this started right in the first line, with the self-deprecating 2000-word joke. For >>GroaningGreyAgony that was a positive, setting expectations appropriately, and credit to you certainly for that; but in my case it got me cringing and bracing for my personal worst-case scenario, which was, well, exactly what you delivered.
So, apologies, author, but I would really have preferred a random comedy that chose a single insane premise and then ran with it well past its logical conclusion — just because something is a crackfic doesn't mean it can't be internally coherent. I know, I know, "what fun is there in making sense?", but again see the thing about predictability: the more often you use "this makes no sense!" as a punchline, the more you condition readers to not expect sense, so each individual punchline carries less and less humorous weight.
Less reliant on my humor tastes, there's also a number of cases of unnecessary repetition which could be cleaned up to make the piece unambiguously stronger:
but to be quite honest the story only becomes eventful at around the year 1834 so we can skip up until then. Doug was born within this year.
That's already implied. Don't belabor the point.
As the celebrations wound down to a close however, Doug’s remaining parent, (the father died during childbirth) his mother, donned a more serious tone.
This is sort of a cross between a redundancy problem and a joke-structure problem. What you're trying to do is set up the expectation that he has one parent due to a childbirth death, and then break the expectation with the punchline that it was his father. So the current wording explains the joke after the punchline. Just removing "his mother" doesn't fix your problem, though. You could say "Doug's mother (his father died during childbirth)", which flows well, but reduces the focus on the joke. What you might have to do is set up the childbirth death a few sentences or paragraphs earlier and then drop the father being the dead one as a brick joke.
“Ow, my dick!” one of the skeletons said after being hit in the dick by Dougs NUT
Anyway, I'm gonna give this one a miss but I hope this helps you tidy the piece up regardless.
Tier: Misaimed
Same as horizon, mainly. It's hard to give useful critique on this when I can't tell how much is intentionally bad and how much is just bad. Some of the lines show surprising sophistication, others lack basic capitalization and I can't find a humorous intent behind the errors.
This is a very hard genre of comedy to do well, and some would argue it can't be done well at all. I respect the effort, thank you for writing, but unfortunately, I have to point out that according to the Universal Tao, it is in fact yin energy that is stronger, and even in spring a man should ejaculate no more than once every three days. I fear the qi of Doug's lineage may fall low.
This is a very hard genre of comedy to do well, and some would argue it can't be done well at all. I respect the effort, thank you for writing, but unfortunately, I have to point out that according to the Universal Tao, it is in fact yin energy that is stronger, and even in spring a man should ejaculate no more than once every three days. I fear the qi of Doug's lineage may fall low.
As usual, see>>horizon for the useful comment. While I smiled more than a few times, that was too random without much consistency.
Moreover, bringing the quicksave power destroys your fic in a way. Because he can respawn, Doug's adventure is meaningless. If he can't die, he can't fear for his safety when he's fighting the bad guy. I know that wasn't really suppose to be an adventure but you spent many words for the big fight scene, without having many meta jokes in it.
So yeah, I smiled and laughed a bit but in the Writeoff context, that's a no. Bonus point for bringing Heaven & Hell.
Also, be careful with punctuation and formatting (unless it was done on purpose).
Moreover, bringing the quicksave power destroys your fic in a way. Because he can respawn, Doug's adventure is meaningless. If he can't die, he can't fear for his safety when he's fighting the bad guy. I know that wasn't really suppose to be an adventure but you spent many words for the big fight scene, without having many meta jokes in it.
So yeah, I smiled and laughed a bit but in the Writeoff context, that's a no. Bonus point for bringing Heaven & Hell.
Also, be careful with punctuation and formatting (unless it was done on purpose).