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As you stomp, jump and sway down the hill
And the bricks scatter wide from the hod,
You may reach the conclusion--you'll still
Make the same size of hole in the sod.
And the bricks scatter wide from the hod,
You may reach the conclusion--you'll still
Make the same size of hole in the sod.
It was the spark built up through our inaction
That gave the tingling thrill to our attraction.
That gave the tingling thrill to our attraction.
Looking far back through the never-mind,
Black-tinted glasses mock your cause,
Seek what was only yours to find,
Huddled alone in the never-was.
Black-tinted glasses mock your cause,
Seek what was only yours to find,
Huddled alone in the never-was.
Despite the assertions of Gregor Mendel,
I eschew my shared traits with the dam of Grendel.
I eschew my shared traits with the dam of Grendel.
A fun little scene, enhanced by the swaying rhythm between pairs of line endings. Excellent choice!
I also adore how the "sidestep and slip" line steps out of the default metre and trips me up while reading.
I also adore how the "sidestep and slip" line steps out of the default metre and trips me up while reading.
It's short and to the point. While I wouldn't call it energetic by any means, I feel like there's something building throughout, then unloading within the last two lines. Charge and discharge. Nice.
This doesn't really give me a clear impression. If I had to describe it, I'd say like staring out of a window and waiting for something. A bit melancholy.
But mostly I feel like I don't get it.
But mostly I feel like I don't get it.
Cathartic. Rhythmic, especially the phrase, “down, down and down”. These would make good lyrics for a heavy metal tune.
If someone is carrying bricks uphill, they are going against gravity, and so working against opposition, or perhaps their own well-being. I’m not sure what working downhill suggests. It would seem the easier way to go about business. It’d be hard to blame the worker for it. For me, carrying a hod of bricks anywhere would be dreary!
If someone is carrying bricks uphill, they are going against gravity, and so working against opposition, or perhaps their own well-being. I’m not sure what working downhill suggests. It would seem the easier way to go about business. It’d be hard to blame the worker for it. For me, carrying a hod of bricks anywhere would be dreary!
Most of these short lines have sufficient consonant impact, except for the last one, which ought to ‘bite’ the reader.
Arch-form rhyme scheme?
Careful with that first stanza, though. ‘Stolen’ and ‘role and’ won’t be any obvious rhyme to most readers, and the effect will be to defray the feel of your complex rhyme pattern.
Careful with that first stanza, though. ‘Stolen’ and ‘role and’ won’t be any obvious rhyme to most readers, and the effect will be to defray the feel of your complex rhyme pattern.
Dammit, I missed a poetry event. Well, I can comment after the fact.
Great meter, especially that the even lines always have female rhyme. It's one of those "joke is in the title" things, but it still conveys a nicely humorous image. It's even more humorous if I read it that he loses his balance and is falling down the stairs yet talking about it so matter-of-factly.
Great meter, especially that the even lines always have female rhyme. It's one of those "joke is in the title" things, but it still conveys a nicely humorous image. It's even more humorous if I read it that he loses his balance and is falling down the stairs yet talking about it so matter-of-factly.
Hm, I liked it until the last line. The kind of dual meanings of things like potential and charge work well, but the connotation of "affair" is that these people are being unfaithful. And while that's a personal taste issue—there's nothing inherently wrong with writing that subject matter, and of course it does exist in the real world—it still may run you afoul of people who don't appreciate the subject matter.
I don't think I get a message from this. Maybe just that the speaker is lamenting that he does nothing but drink and look out the window as life passes him by outside? At first, there was a lot of winter imagery, making it seem like he was confined by the weather, but then the birds in the bushes seem to connote spring, even though that certainly could still be happening in winter. This mostly went over my head.
This is really dark, and it gives zero context, so I'm left wondering whether I should agree the mother is a terrible person or worry that the speaker is about to do something reprehensible. The rhymes are mostly good, though a few are stretches, and there's no meter, though it doesn't seem like one was intended. I'm afraid this one largely goes over my head, too. It also never elaborates much after the first two lines, the only thing of note added afterward being that the speaker plans to kill her.