Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
It’s an interesting slice of life. I don’t really think that multiverse theory is actually true, but there would be an infinite number of them, and, as you know, nature doesn’t like infinites.
It never happened to me, to be frank. Sometimes I have escaped a bad situation by the skin of my teeth, but I just seem to move on and leave the ghosts behind. Must be my rationalism. They don’t stick to me as they do to other people. I shake them off.
>>Pascoite
Did you see the movie called ‘Get out!’? It begins exactly like that.
It never happened to me, to be frank. Sometimes I have escaped a bad situation by the skin of my teeth, but I just seem to move on and leave the ghosts behind. Must be my rationalism. They don’t stick to me as they do to other people. I shake them off.
>>Pascoite
Did you see the movie called ‘Get out!’? It begins exactly like that.
→ least it grow too large. You want lest, not least. There are a couple of other typos here and there, too. Nothing very egregious, but it definitely needs polishing.
Interesting that we have two entries about Sunset Shimmer this round. This one obviously takes place after its peer. It’s not badly written but the stylistic choices (stream of consciousness) as well as the layout combine to render the text quite stodgy.
I'd say my main gripe is that we’re not really explained the reason of her act. We know she has desire of greatness, but with what you write, albeit we infer that her ambition has somehow been curbed by Celestia, we don’t really know the true motive for her escape. Even the vision in the mirror is just a sketch, and we don’t really understand why she got lured.
In brief, it is a bit rushed and incomplete. I would like it to be expanded, but you’ll probably only succeed in having people telling you it’s just a mere rewriting of something we are already all acquainted with… :/
Interesting that we have two entries about Sunset Shimmer this round. This one obviously takes place after its peer. It’s not badly written but the stylistic choices (stream of consciousness) as well as the layout combine to render the text quite stodgy.
I'd say my main gripe is that we’re not really explained the reason of her act. We know she has desire of greatness, but with what you write, albeit we infer that her ambition has somehow been curbed by Celestia, we don’t really know the true motive for her escape. Even the vision in the mirror is just a sketch, and we don’t really understand why she got lured.
In brief, it is a bit rushed and incomplete. I would like it to be expanded, but you’ll probably only succeed in having people telling you it’s just a mere rewriting of something we are already all acquainted with… :/
This is hilariously good. It’s spot on the kind of zany crazy absurd slapstick humour I dote on. Of course, I had myself mulled over something related to alcohol, given the prompt, but didn't come up with anything usable. I’m glad I finally turned to another pathway, because it probably wouldn't have held its own against your fic anyway.
Good coinage with the ‘Polychromatic Aviator’, but I don’t get the final ‘croon ye’. Also, I like your Luna in the last paragraph. 100% matches my own model of her. Also, nice quoting of esters as aromatic components, but don’t forget about aldehydes (almond, benzaldehyde), ketones (raspberries) and, yes, even other alcohols (menthol, eucalyptol…). Not to mention terpenes. Anyways, I’m fussing about details. Your fault, chemistry is my cup of tea recently.
That being said, the text is still a bit rough in several places, such as ‘inquired’ used maybe out of place, ‘flumphed’, ‘mustache’, etc. I’m not a big fan of ‘port for teleport, but I can get over that easily.
Overall, this is a blast to read, and goes directly atop my (mini-)slate. Thanks for writing!
Edit: also what is ‘salzbier’? 'Salted beer’ in German, but that doesn’t sound very appealing.
Good coinage with the ‘Polychromatic Aviator’, but I don’t get the final ‘croon ye’. Also, I like your Luna in the last paragraph. 100% matches my own model of her. Also, nice quoting of esters as aromatic components, but don’t forget about aldehydes (almond, benzaldehyde), ketones (raspberries) and, yes, even other alcohols (menthol, eucalyptol…). Not to mention terpenes. Anyways, I’m fussing about details. Your fault, chemistry is my cup of tea recently.
That being said, the text is still a bit rough in several places, such as ‘inquired’ used maybe out of place, ‘flumphed’, ‘mustache’, etc. I’m not a big fan of ‘port for teleport, but I can get over that easily.
Overall, this is a blast to read, and goes directly atop my (mini-)slate. Thanks for writing!
Edit: also what is ‘salzbier’? 'Salted beer’ in German, but that doesn’t sound very appealing.
Ha. This one is fun. There are some debatable stylistic choices, such as the use of some unusual words, but it’s overall a nice piece. Maybe I would’ve opted for a different narrator PoV, something like a dairy of sorts. My biggest gripe is the obvious lack of conclusion. What does she decide to do at the end? Go back to the normal world, or stay in Equestria until the end?
Now I don’t know Megan enough to decide whether this sounds realistic or not. But I’d be interested in having her opinion.
[EDIT] Oh and by the way, is that final device something like an iPad? Because, you know, big MacIntosh AppleJack hardware, etc. :p
Now I don’t know Megan enough to decide whether this sounds realistic or not. But I’d be interested in having her opinion.
[EDIT] Oh and by the way, is that final device something like an iPad? Because, you know, big MacIntosh AppleJack hardware, etc. :p
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Try citric or sulphamic acids.
They’re both used in the standard descaling packs you find at your regular hardware store.
Try citric or sulphamic acids.
They’re both used in the standard descaling packs you find at your regular hardware store.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Please next time use something else than vinegar. It leaves a horrible taste behind!
Do not try concentrated sulphuric acid, unless you want to dispose of it :p
Please next time use something else than vinegar. It leaves a horrible taste behind!
Do not try concentrated sulphuric acid, unless you want to dispose of it :p
>>Pascoite
>>Heavy_Mole
Thanks a bunch for your comments and appreciation ! ♡
I had several ideas for this prompt, amongst which the chemical solution I already mentioned somewhere, but none of those would gel except the ‘reverse causality’ aspect. Besides, I had much to do at the weekend so I had to cobble those few words together quite quickly.
I thought the idea of a potential murderer talking theoretical physics with their victim before killing them would potentially elicit a sort of comical effect, but, unless you overlooked it in your respective reviews, that turned out to be a dud.
In any case, the Janus model exposed here is derived from the works of the French astrophysicist Jean-Pierre Petit, which has over the years become a Pariah first because of his unorthodox theory, and second for his (wild) belief in the Ummo conspiracy, info about which you can find here
Turning back to Janus model, the idea is that the Big-Bang created two universes instead of one, both of which are — as exposed in the text – sort of glued one to the other like two sides of a sheet are. Our universe is composed of matter only, while all the antimatter created in the original blast has been collected on the other side.
Both sides are submitted to the same gravitational law, i.e. the Einstein equation, resulting in the exact metaphor I used: if you suppose that matter (or antimatter) creates wells in the space-time fabric, then these wells will appear as knolls on the other side, and will ‘repel’ matter rather than attract it. So to be more precise, gravitation is always attractive between particles located on the same side (be they matter or antimatter) and negative between particles located on the opposite sides. This model claims to explain the shape of spiral galaxies, the distribution of matter at cosmic scale, and the acceleration of the expansion as recently observed. Whereas the current accepted ‘dogma’ has to recourse to highly speculative notions such as ‘dark energy’ or ‘dark matter’ to explain these phenomena, none of which has been observed or confirmed so far.
I don’t pretend Jean-Pierre Petit speaks the truth, just that the idea is interesting enough to warrant further study (much like the Alcubierre metric for faster-than-light™ travel), a position which the current scientific community is apparently not willing to share. That same community, however, has devoted the recent decades to the exploration of a crazy theory (Strings) which, in the end, is current abandoned because of its inability to produce any meaningful answer (as well as being unscientific according to Popper's accepted criteria).
For the rest of the story, I was sort of inspired by my childhood watching of the now iconic series ‘The Wild Wild West’, that you may have heard about.
I’ll be back to comment on Heavy's story. Thanks again so much for your love and dedication! ♡
>>Heavy_Mole
Thanks a bunch for your comments and appreciation ! ♡
I had several ideas for this prompt, amongst which the chemical solution I already mentioned somewhere, but none of those would gel except the ‘reverse causality’ aspect. Besides, I had much to do at the weekend so I had to cobble those few words together quite quickly.
I thought the idea of a potential murderer talking theoretical physics with their victim before killing them would potentially elicit a sort of comical effect, but, unless you overlooked it in your respective reviews, that turned out to be a dud.
In any case, the Janus model exposed here is derived from the works of the French astrophysicist Jean-Pierre Petit, which has over the years become a Pariah first because of his unorthodox theory, and second for his (wild) belief in the Ummo conspiracy, info about which you can find here
Turning back to Janus model, the idea is that the Big-Bang created two universes instead of one, both of which are — as exposed in the text – sort of glued one to the other like two sides of a sheet are. Our universe is composed of matter only, while all the antimatter created in the original blast has been collected on the other side.
Both sides are submitted to the same gravitational law, i.e. the Einstein equation, resulting in the exact metaphor I used: if you suppose that matter (or antimatter) creates wells in the space-time fabric, then these wells will appear as knolls on the other side, and will ‘repel’ matter rather than attract it. So to be more precise, gravitation is always attractive between particles located on the same side (be they matter or antimatter) and negative between particles located on the opposite sides. This model claims to explain the shape of spiral galaxies, the distribution of matter at cosmic scale, and the acceleration of the expansion as recently observed. Whereas the current accepted ‘dogma’ has to recourse to highly speculative notions such as ‘dark energy’ or ‘dark matter’ to explain these phenomena, none of which has been observed or confirmed so far.
I don’t pretend Jean-Pierre Petit speaks the truth, just that the idea is interesting enough to warrant further study (much like the Alcubierre metric for faster-than-light™ travel), a position which the current scientific community is apparently not willing to share. That same community, however, has devoted the recent decades to the exploration of a crazy theory (Strings) which, in the end, is current abandoned because of its inability to produce any meaningful answer (as well as being unscientific according to Popper's accepted criteria).
For the rest of the story, I was sort of inspired by my childhood watching of the now iconic series ‘The Wild Wild West’, that you may have heard about.
I’ll be back to comment on Heavy's story. Thanks again so much for your love and dedication! ♡
I like this one because I’m quite fond of home repair. That’s typically the kind of thing I could do at a weekend.
To be really nitpicky, I don’t see the point of disassembling the machine to descale it. Filling the reservoir with acidic water and starting a ‘dry’ run would do the trick. After all, that’s how most coffee machines are descaled. Your protagonist has a fondness for overkill. Also using vinegar to descale coffee machines is a very bad idea. It leaves a horrible taste even after a few rinses. Better use a tasteless acid, like citric or sulphamic acid.
I also had the idea to treat ‘solution’ in the prompt as a chemistry term. But I couldn't really derive anything useful from it except maybe some criminal trying to get rid of a corpse by dissolving it in lye, and flushing everything. But that wasn't really able to fit into 750 mL… oops words, sorry.
To be really nitpicky, I don’t see the point of disassembling the machine to descale it. Filling the reservoir with acidic water and starting a ‘dry’ run would do the trick. After all, that’s how most coffee machines are descaled. Your protagonist has a fondness for overkill. Also using vinegar to descale coffee machines is a very bad idea. It leaves a horrible taste even after a few rinses. Better use a tasteless acid, like citric or sulphamic acid.
I also had the idea to treat ‘solution’ in the prompt as a chemistry term. But I couldn't really derive anything useful from it except maybe some criminal trying to get rid of a corpse by dissolving it in lye, and flushing everything. But that wasn't really able to fit into 750 mL… oops words, sorry.
>>Pascoite
Please neither of those! :)
Isn’t there a third, more pleasant, option?
In any case, I’m going to join you in reviewing the stories today. Thanks for your staunch commitment all over these years.
Please neither of those! :)
Isn’t there a third, more pleasant, option?
In any case, I’m going to join you in reviewing the stories today. Thanks for your staunch commitment all over these years.
>>Pascoite
Hi Pasco.
My apologies. I didn’t know (or, rather, notice) that you had no interest in the FiM rounds any more. Fair enough, I mainly use them as an extra opportunity to write.
I didn’t know you were roving on Discord either, I’d be chuffed to bits if we could chat from time to time over there.
Take care, and thanks for your answer!
Hi Pasco.
My apologies. I didn’t know (or, rather, notice) that you had no interest in the FiM rounds any more. Fair enough, I mainly use them as an extra opportunity to write.
I didn’t know you were roving on Discord either, I’d be chuffed to bits if we could chat from time to time over there.
Take care, and thanks for your answer!
>>Pascoite
Oops, sorry Pasco, I didn't know that. I won’t bother you anymore with FiM rounds then (though I use them mainly as an opportunity to write more than once every four rounds). I didn't know you were on Discord either…
Oops, sorry Pasco, I didn't know that. I won’t bother you anymore with FiM rounds then (though I use them mainly as an opportunity to write more than once every four rounds). I didn't know you were on Discord either…
>>Heavy_Mole
Thanks! I much appreciate your liking of this little work. Thanks for commenting!
Thanks! I much appreciate your liking of this little work. Thanks for commenting!
>>Miller Minus
So:
The dialogue is deliberately stilted because this is assumed to take place a very long time ago. So I simply attempted to convey that temporal remoteness into words. Also, I’ve always liked the princesses speaking a sort of Shakespearian English. You know, moods and colours…
British English has a set of rules for punctuation which differs from N-A English. Especially, you put commas and such outside the quotes, except if the comma concerns the spoken sentence: 'I am', he said, 'your beholden.' vs 'Speak, friend, and enter.' Also, I’m not sure you must quote each paragraph when a single person keeps talking, but that, I admit, I didn't check.
Don’t let yourself being thrown off by such details! :)
Some of the questions I already answered in my fake review. The concept here is that Sombra was, at first, just a very bashful student, and because of that and some peculiarities, such as a strange alicorn horn, he gets picked on by other students. Repeated hurt and frustration at length gives rise to a strong desire for revenge, which brings him all the way into the evil realm. One of his first attempt at wreaking havoc amongst those who teach him is designing an item which brings out the evil part we have inside (under the disguise of a much more useful device)… And that’s how NMM was born. You know, curiosity killed the cat.
Stella was just the former ruler of the Crystal Empire. This is non-canon, of course, but the past of the Crystal Empire is very vague, so you can pretty much give free rein to your imagination there.
Thanks for commenting Miller. Much much appreciated. You’re a peach ♡
So:
The dialogue is deliberately stilted because this is assumed to take place a very long time ago. So I simply attempted to convey that temporal remoteness into words. Also, I’ve always liked the princesses speaking a sort of Shakespearian English. You know, moods and colours…
British English has a set of rules for punctuation which differs from N-A English. Especially, you put commas and such outside the quotes, except if the comma concerns the spoken sentence: 'I am', he said, 'your beholden.' vs 'Speak, friend, and enter.' Also, I’m not sure you must quote each paragraph when a single person keeps talking, but that, I admit, I didn't check.
Don’t let yourself being thrown off by such details! :)
Some of the questions I already answered in my fake review. The concept here is that Sombra was, at first, just a very bashful student, and because of that and some peculiarities, such as a strange alicorn horn, he gets picked on by other students. Repeated hurt and frustration at length gives rise to a strong desire for revenge, which brings him all the way into the evil realm. One of his first attempt at wreaking havoc amongst those who teach him is designing an item which brings out the evil part we have inside (under the disguise of a much more useful device)… And that’s how NMM was born. You know, curiosity killed the cat.
Stella was just the former ruler of the Crystal Empire. This is non-canon, of course, but the past of the Crystal Empire is very vague, so you can pretty much give free rein to your imagination there.
Thanks for commenting Miller. Much much appreciated. You’re a peach ♡
>>Griseus
Thanks.
I’m really sorry I was the only one to comment. My opinions are almost always biased, and I’m not good enough at writing to hand out specific and useful advice. I thought Pasco would have chimed in, as he often does, but no cigar this time. Still ‘grats for your ranking! I wish there was more people entering, I’m not sure why it dwindled out so quickly.
Cheerio!
Thanks.
I’m really sorry I was the only one to comment. My opinions are almost always biased, and I’m not good enough at writing to hand out specific and useful advice. I thought Pasco would have chimed in, as he often does, but no cigar this time. Still ‘grats for your ranking! I wish there was more people entering, I’m not sure why it dwindled out so quickly.
Cheerio!
This is clearly my favourite and predicted winner for this round. At least my top of slate.
It’s quite charming in the way it tackles that little scene, and I find that slightly cynical Fluttershy absolutely delicious. This would probably be bashed by the orthodoxy as OOC, but for me who has often been deliberately writing OOC, it’s just delectable.
I just have my two usual rants:
1. I despise the word ‘utilise’. Really I loth it. This verb is a freak. Just use ‘use’ instead :)
2. I’m not really sure about the meaning of the end. Is that somehow connected to what Fluttershy said before about spiders walking into mouths? I am a bit perplexed.
Otherwise very competent job.
It’s quite charming in the way it tackles that little scene, and I find that slightly cynical Fluttershy absolutely delicious. This would probably be bashed by the orthodoxy as OOC, but for me who has often been deliberately writing OOC, it’s just delectable.
I just have my two usual rants:
1. I despise the word ‘utilise’. Really I loth it. This verb is a freak. Just use ‘use’ instead :)
2. I’m not really sure about the meaning of the end. Is that somehow connected to what Fluttershy said before about spiders walking into mouths? I am a bit perplexed.
Otherwise very competent job.
Paging WIP