Damn and this time I get to say "I agree with Pascoite". It's really a blast from the past for me tonight!

Author, this was really neat! Jeroum's voice is really well-defined as a single-minded hunter dead-set on a mission, and Laskuthur makes for a fun villain. Who doesn't love to see a villain taken down a notch or two by something they didn't see coming? The penultimate paragraph in particular is a delight. Is this moment a bit of an overdone trope? Yes. Because it's good entertainment. Obviously.

I must say though that I found some of the style choice, particularly the more archaic and floral aspects of the prose. I like the idea here, and it does help sell the fantasy elements in a way, and it works for a lot of the piece (especially Laskuthur's voice), but there's a few places where the prose seems to straddle the line of the archaic and the modern in a way that made me feel a little unstuck in time? "Abuzzing" was a particular offender for ending a clause that felt a little over the top, and having a bit of a softly poetic sound to it that almost hard threw me into a kind of lyrical headspace? And the following clause managed to combine "thence" and "with a yank", and at that point you'd kinda lost me for a bit, if I'm honest. I think the piece would benefit from a more consistently archaic voice, perhaps toning down the lyricism which feels at odds with the grim and determined attitude of Jeroum.

That said: loved the story here. Like I said on The Way of Water, I love a story with a protagonist blindsiding their antagonist, and while this story is a slower burn that takes the reader along for the ride with the aftermath I think it still very much presses those buttons for me. Pascoite's discussion of the pacing aside, I like that overall the piece kept a fairly relentless march forward, and that's part of why the voicing hit so well for me despite my issues with some of the wordings. And there's something really quite beautiful about this elegant solution to the problem of vampires: it's a story of, in a sense, both Nature and Time taking back something that typically is presented as opposed to them both. A poetic justice, as well as a cool way to overcome a difficult obstacle. The note of hope and beauty that the piece ends on is spot-on, and really sells that theme.

In conclusion: I liked this one too! The magic felt genuinely awe-inspiring, as good magic should, and the relief at defeating the villain was palpable - impressive, in the word limit. I'm very glad to have popped my head into the writeoff again 'cos this was a fun read. Now if you could kindly explain the title to me I'll be even happier, because I'm even more lost after googling Dweomer than I was before I looked it up 🥲

Hey, this was cute! I love a little story of mental oneupmanship, and though this one is quite compressed (as is the nature of minifics. gosh, I've missed these) I thoroughly enjoyed our protagonist's little bait and switch trap on Creosote.

I am feeling extremely nostalgic as I get to say "I disagree with Pascoite", but... I disagree with Pascoite about the implied presence of the audience. To me, this story has almost a gentle fourth wall break to the narration - less metafiction, but more the charm of a story winking as it acknowledges it's audience. Very "*record scratch* *freeze frame* yep, that's me" etc etc. But in this case, I think it really works without being corny at all - in fact, that style of narrative is here really reworked to build character for our protagonist, and it gives very good "smug wizard" vibes.

I think my main issue with this one is that it feels a tad too constrained by the format? It's complete, and it works, but I'm left craving something that was a bit more of a back-and-forth, or something that had a bit more room to foreshadow the solution. But for what it was, I really enjoyed it anyway - even as I was reading through, I didn't make the hydrogen -> water connection until it was spelled out, and that helped reinforce the sense of smug but competent wizard for our protagonist that is exactly what I crave from this sort of story. So it's not so much a problem as something that leaves me craving more, so all things considered that's pretty good!

Speaking of things leaving me craving more: aaaaa how dare you name drop this cool magic mouse mentor figure in the first paragraph literally just to set up the premise and then throw her away 😭 it's economical and works, but have you considered that she's really precious to me? Jokes aside, it was a cool way to structure this story! I've talked before (oh my god years ago why did I stop doing this) about how much I adore a story that never quite lets the audience catch their balance, and you nail it here with this opening, which sets the tone very well. Reading this story feels like being lead along a narrow path at great speed, knowing that if the person leading me slows down I'm going to lose my balance and fall but trusting them not to, and that trust is very well placed.

In conclusion: hi I liked this! This was cool! The magic system was cool! Delva was cool! Really fun, no particular complaints, and damn does it feel good to read minifics again - in no small part due to this one's strengths. Sorry for rambling it's very late here.

Last She-Ra writeoff before season 5! Good luck everyone 😃

Unless we decide to have, like, a special hype writeoff... A hypeoff.

I thought the Shakespeare round was meant to be on the 23rd...

Actually popping in again, because I haven't really looked at other comments before making mine this round, but I wanna provide some balance and a different perspective here.

>>Pascoite talks about importing relationships wholesale from canon (e.g. Hordak and Entrapta, Mermista and Sea Hawk) as if that's a bad thing, but imo this is one of the strongest things about fanfiction. Even in an AU as distant as this one, fanfic allows us to know that our readers will make certain assumptions and connections, because we can assume a knowledge of canon (otherwise, why would you read the fic?) I think this piece does a fantastic job of delineating between the things which can't be assumed in context of a she-ra writeoff and things that can - the author knows to go ham on the anime exposition, not just because it suits the anime genre but also because the audience may be unfamiliar, but gracefully steps back from any and all she-ra exposition beyond "here's how to translate from canon to AU".

Every fanfic I have ever praised for pushing the boundaries of the medium and being generally amazing art has known this. Every single one uses assumed reader knowledge in incredible ways. It's the greatest strength of the medium! So while I can understand the criticism from a general writing improvement perspective, I did feel the need to drop in and gently disagree on that front - I think it's one of the things this fic did really well.

This fic is pure, unadulterated anime. Whether that's a good thing or not will probably vary by reader, but I don't think I've ever read a story that so faithfully recreates the experience of anime for a reader: from varied, interesting fight sequences, to slow exposition of world rules that seem to constantly shift in service of the need for tension and drama, I can safely say that this is the second most anime writeoff entry I have ever read.

Even though I could vaguely recognise the title as a reference to an anime I haven't seen, I never felt like I was lost in the crossover - okay, I did, but in that "anime logic doesn't make sense" kinda way rather than feeling like I was missing a reference, which was Good, Actually. The constant twists and turns kept me on my toes as a reader, and the AU changes were absolutely fantastic. We don't get enough AUs in the writeoff, imo. We should have more.

I wanna criticise the ending for pulling a "it was just a dream" style twist, but actually:
a) it was signposted
b) it was well-written and cute
c) it made me laugh
d) adora is an anime nerd lmao

So I won't do that. Instead I'll just say that I think this fic could work just as well with a serious ending (despite being an affectionate parody? of anime tropes, it stands alone really well and could carry on strength of writing alone) as it could with the funny one, and I trust the author to have picked the one they like the most. Because when two things work just as well as each other, that's really the only decision that matters.

I liked this piece a lot: really well done, author. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and have a small breakdown over trying to rank this round, because all of the stories were amazing and I don't know how to judge them aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

In this house, we love and respect Mr Bones ☠

This was a cute entry. Kinda feels like a little dig at the fandom ("hey, remember all those theories that Kyle was He-Man back in S1?") but if it is, it doesn't come across as mean-spirited at all.

I do think this story needs more unity - I can kinda see how the last two scenes link, but beyond setting up the Skeletor joke I'm not quite sure why the first scene is there (though don't get me wrong - just as a standalone scene, I kinda love it. Bit messy, but cute and fun). The timeskips are relatively buried, too, which isn't a bad thing but it does make the story's structure a little murkier.

All in all, though, a decent entry with a solid idea behind it. I enjoyed it!

This is gorgeous.

You know, I had real doubts during the opening scene of this story. And I'll be honest, author: if I were reading this elsewhere, I likely wouldn't have made it past that scene - between the run-on sentences of the opening paragraphs lacking any punch and the "we killed Bow" joke not quite landing (I blame the medium - it would have worked great in an actual episode, imo, but feels off in fic), I really struggled to get into this one.

But oh my god, am I glad I did.

The conversation with Varnish was an absolute delight to read. Soft, caring, and fleshing out Best Boy with just the right level of detail? I love it. Really solid work there, author. I'd quite my favourite bits, but... I'm just gonna gesture wildly at the last dozen paragraphs or so instead. They're pretty great.

It took me slightly too long to realise this was in AU territory, which I will attribute to sleepiness, and which absolutely made the ending hurt more.

Besides formatting/editing nitpicks, I have no real complaints here. Maybe I'm still emotionally stabilising myself, but that ending threw every worry I had about this story being nothing more than fluff* out the window. Really good job, author!


*which isn't even a complaint. I like fluff!

>>Miller Minus
Alternative caption:
"I am feel uncomfortable when we are not about me?"

I'm gonna chime in to disagree with the other commenters here: I love that this piece tones down the emotions of the scene, and that the resolution is boiled down to "We can talk about it tomorrow"—the conversation George and Lance have in this piece is not an easy one, and I think the decision not to address it through to a resolution was a sensible one, given the format restrictions. I also like that the piece feels sleepy. It's a lovely tone, imo, and the sort of creative decision that works well for minifics.

Other than that, I'm in agreement with >>No_Raisin and >>LoftyWithers on the strengths of this piece. It's a lovely moment between two characters who I'm glad are getting much-deserved attention and a really fun take on the prompt. My own personal gripe is that the prose doesn't quite match up to the strength of the dialogue—I don't really get any sense that the prose changes pace at all, here, and the pace you've set is a pretty slow one! I like the choice of pace, don't get me wrong, but I'd love to see a little bit of variety here and there to spice it up and keep interest going.

Overall, though, this is a solid entry and a genuinely lovely bit of fanfiction. Shout out to the decision to repeat the "Lance waited" motif—I think it could be tidier, but that was a really good choice and one that I thoroughly enjoyed.

What a great piece. Lonnie makes a fantastic foil to Catra, as this piece makes perfectly clear, and this piece manages to combine a lovely framing of Catra's mindset with an emotional character piece about two of the best horde soldiers. Like >>No_Raisin, I think this piece feels confined by the word limit, but I think that's because this piece reads more as a proof of concept for the idea of "Lonnie as Catra-foil" than as a full piece in its own right. And I don't really want to discourage that—minific rounds have always been events that welcome experimentation, and this is by all accounts a successful experiment. That the conclusion is "yeah, this idea works and could be a good long-form story idea" shouldn't take away from this piece's strengths.

My only concern, then, is that the piece seems a little too focused on exploring that idea. You know the old addage "show, don't tell?" It's not a bit of advice I'm a fan of, but I think that the more general idea of standing back and letting things speak for themselves is a useful one. In this piece, I'd love to see you step a little bit back from that idea of Lonnie and Catra's similarities: you straight-up have Lonnie say "I think about Adora a lot too, which doesn't make me and Catra so different," after all! The similarities are there; just show them to us, and let them do the talking instead.

Honestly, though, that's nitpicking. This one's top of my slate, after all 😉

Ok so I'm gonna dive right into the thing that I both adore and loathe in this entry: the lack of context. Look, I get it—the whole point of this piece is that it doesn't matter where Catra is or what she's stealing, and you make that abundantly clear (both implicitly, by saying nothing, and explicitly, when you describe objects of past heists as "shiny things"). It's not often I see a piece that manages to use not saying something to such good effect, and that is admirable and fantastic and excellently done and...

... arrrrrrgh. It frustrates me. Every fibre of my being wants to know the context of this story, even as I write a review that praises the story for knowing that adding that context would take away from the piece's primary focus. It feels like this story is actively taunting me, author: the cat wordplay certainly adds to that impression. I really like this piece after reading it, but I can't say that the act of reading it was the most fun I've had.

Overall? Solid entry. Frustrating, yes... but solid.

Author, let me be frank: I really like all of your paragraphs individually, but I am absolutely not sold on the order you've put them in. There are a couple of places where the flow of the narration jumps from subject to subject (and in a piece like this, which reads almost like a meditation on a single theme, that really feels like a poor decision), and I don't really see how they're connected. Particularly weird moment: the shift out of the parentheses. I actually really like the parentheses, for the record—they add this sense of distance to the only paragraph that opens with Adora and Bow, which says so much—and my gut instinct is that the single-line paragraph that follows is meant to be a thematic bridge, but instead it's more like a door slamming shut as a new theme opens up.

The structural issues are a shame because the tone and mood of this piece are delightfully melancholy. The piece keeps us at an emotional distance, but occasionally lets these heavy blows come in (to quote both previous comments: "oof") without taking a step closer to the reader, which really makes the impact greater ("big oof"). With a bit of spring cleaning and rework, this could be a very good piece; as it is, it's a middle-of-the-pack entry for me.

I'll admit that the opening conceit of this story (namely, that Swift Wind knew and cared about the moral alignment of the Horde prior to S1E1) is an interesting one, and I'm not sure I'm fully sold on it. And it can be a bit difficult to enjoy a story when you're not sold on the premise—that I did enjoy myself while reading this speaks volumes about the story's warm tone and uplifting message.

There are, as >>No_Raisin points out, technical errors that hold this piece back. You kinda expect to see that sort of thing in writeoffs, and especially in minific rounds, where the short writing time leaves little room for editing passes. I reckon this piece would look dramatically better with a bit of careful attention post-contest to tidy those up, and I'd love to see it if you do give it that polish! Despite its faults, this piece has some really strong ideas ("Being able to fly and use magic were both nice, but Swift Wind's favourite power of all of them is the ability to speak his mind" is just lovely) that would be a lot of fun to see if given the proper time and care.

My obscenely long work week is finally over and I am so ready to curl up and write she-ra!

Also I just found out there's a drop down letting me post as a user or as an organiser. Don't let me abuse this power*, folks. It's so tempting.

*I think it just changes the colour of my name tag to green but shush that's a kind of power.

Gonna start with the elephant in the room: as >>Scramblers and Shadows touches on, author's notes aren't really common in writeoff entries. I think this might actually be the third time I've ever seen one, and I’ve been doing this for a while now. I don't actually think they're something we should avoid—there's a lot you can do with author's notes, and they have a long history in fanfiction that I don't think we can so easily brush aside. So let's open with this caveat: author's notes in writeoffs, while unusual, are not a bad thing, and I don't want to discourage anyone from trying them out if they want to. It's up to each of us to decide how we want to use our word count, after all.

That said, I wanted to take a bit of time to talk about the author's note in this story, because it does a couple of things that aren't necessarily for the best.

The first thing your author's note does is to state the premise of the entry. This is not a particularly uncommon thing in fanfiction, and there are a few good reasons for it; most importantly, it gives readers a bit of a heads up for the kind of story they're getting in a very different way than a story description might (and, of course, we are in a setting where story descriptions aren't a thing, so this use makes a bit of sense). That said, this story goes on to try and build a little tension with the build-up to (and revelation of) that premise, and to me that feels like you're trying to have your cake and eat it. By telling us straight-up that this is a story about Catra scratching Adora's eyes—and naming your story Sightless—you rob Adora's panic of a fair amount of its emotional weight, which makes the start of this piece a lot less powerful than it otherwise could be. To your credit, it's clear that you're trying to work around this: the brevity of the opening shows that you're not trying to keep that tension dragged out for a Big Reveal™, but rather to give us that immediate moment of panic. I think there are better ways to achieve this, and I do think your author's note harms the attempt, but it was nice to see that you weren't unaware of this.

This bit of the author's note also plays into the focus issue that Scramblers highlights above. You absolutely highlight to us that Adora's blindness is going to be the focal point of this story, which is hammered home with the title, and that sets me up as a reader to expect a character-driven story about Adora coping with that. This is... not the story we get, to put it mildly. This misdirection doesn't read too well, and left me feeling disoriented throughout this piece as I waited for us to get back to what I thought the plot was supposed to be. I don't think this problem would be nearly so bad without the author's note guiding us to the wrong conclusion.

The other half of your author's note is as time-honoured a tradition as any in fanfiction: acknowledging our own failings as authors. I don't have too much to say on this, because I'm a little bit torn—as a reviewer in a workshop context, it's quite valuable to me to know what your immediate issues with the piece are, as that's absolutely going to help me give better feedback, but as a judge in a competition context we'll shelve it under "not the best first impression in writeoff history". Obviously everyone comes to the writeoffs with different expectations and priorities, so this isn't a criticism, but thought it was worth mentioning regardless.

The smiley, however, just puts the reader in a good mood. I actually can't fault that, it's a good touch.

Let's move on to the piece itself. The prose could use a little work: your paragraphing in particular stands out, as the piece is almost exclusively formed of sharp, short paragraphs. There are a lot of places where I'm just not sure why you've given us a paragraph break, because the sentences flow on from each other naturally and comfortably. Let's take a look at an example:

Before he could leave, however, Queen Angella landed, She Hawk and all the other princesses paying their respects. Angella acknowledged a few of them, before turning to Glimmer and pulling her into a hug, inviting Swift Wind in.

Swift Wind hesitated. He would never normally turn down a hug from the Queen, but he was worried about Adora.

Bow squealed and ran into the hug, dragging Swift Wind behind him.

Your first paragraph break here is great for so many reasons, and I particularly love that it highlights Swift Wind's hesitancy. As the opening two sentences of a paragraph, you've also got the right idea going here: I love that snappy, three-word sentence, followed by a longer, thoughtful explanation. (That said, and this isn't advice I often give, but I'd love to see you show rather than tell here. You don't need to state "but he was worried about Adora", when you can show us that internal conflict with a something along the lines of a nervous glance around for Adora.) Bow's interruption of Swift Wind's thought process is a great bit of characterisation—although given the relative tragedy of the moment, perhaps "squealed" is not the best choice of word—and I really don't think that a new paragraph is the best place for it. By moving this into the same paragraph, you flow directly from one to the other, and just as Bow interrupts Swift Wind's thoughts so too does this sentence interrupt his bit of the narration.

Also, too many unnecessary paragraph breaks can just be tiring to read. I can justify it all fancy-like till the cows come home, but that's the most important reason to vary paragraph lengths. Everything else is just a bonus.

I've already overstayed my welcome in this review, so I'm going to quickly summarise a few other strengths and weaknesses of this piece:

• Despite issues, there's a lot of promise to the prose. I don't know how much the issues this piece has stem from time constraints, but there are some strong lines here, so either polish or experience (or perhaps both) are going to really make those shine.
• That said, be careful of falling into some of the more easily-avoidable traps of writing. Over-reliance on descriptions of characters instead of just their names, and overuse of saidisms where the word "said" would work just fine, drag this piece down. It's a tiny change that would really make a large difference.
• There are a few things that I rarely see outside of fanfiction that I think are also a detriment to this story. Lines like "~~ONE EXPLANATION LATER~~" feel almost comical in a situation that is anything but, and I think tools like this can make us somewhat lazy as writers. There are always creative ways around avoiding unnecessarily explaining things the audience already knows, or using those explanations for some other purpose so they don't feel wasteful. This story would be much better off with a more creative way of skipping that time.
• Thank you for bringing Swift-Ra into my life. This is a concept I did not think I needed. I was wrong.

I hope this comment is useful to you, author! After the contest is over, if you want to discuss any of the above (or indeed anything else writing related), I'm available in both the Writeoff and the She-Ra discord servers, and (as long as I'm not busy) am usually more than happy to talk about writing in general. I'll also take this moment to second the bulk of what Scramblers and >>salamander have said—their feedback is super great and also far less rambly than mine.

was gonna vote this first but then you had to take a dig at m'boi randall

for shame

(<3)