No I’m fine I told her I said oh I’m dying haha just kidding too much coffee you know how it is and that’s why my hands are shaking so bad I dropped my pen and I said you know how it is you’re tired and you drink coffee but then you’re just tired and jittery and that’s office humor and everyone chuckled because they were as happy as me to not talk about it just like when Karen from HR told me that I looked like I was losing weight and what was my secret and I said that flu I had the last two weeks sure helped and we both laughed and I sure didn’t lie that it was diet and exercise because she never eats less than three orders of mozzarella sticks at lunch and just the smell of them makes me sick the smell of any food makes me sick and sorry I’m staring at your food oh no I’m just on this diet and yeah it’s working but it can’t stop me from looking at your leftover chinese takeout and wishing I was eating it or at least wishing I wanted to eat it but lunch is almost over it will be over soon and then I won’t have to worry about it about any of it because it will be over and I won’t have to worry won’t have to worry about any of it.

No I’m fine I told her I said it’s just been really busy here at work and you know how it is around tax season with the reports and clients and I just forgot to add it to my phone’s calendar and yeah that’s okay just reschedule it I know how important screening is for a man my age and I know I missed the free screenings but the insurance should pay for it anyway won’t it yes that time works and of course I’ll add it onto my calendar right now now clicky clicky click on the keyboard as I pinched the phone against my shoulder and typed random numbers into Excel and decided that wasn’t random enough and I put in a random number generator but what are the bounds so I pulled up the same pdf I’d been editing the last five years and looked at the normal ranges for cholesterol and liver enzymes and prostate specific antigen and yeah I’d better lower the cholesterol number so it looks better and then my wife will let me buy bacon again and oh sorry yes I have it on my calendar and I’ll see you next week of course thank you very much sorry to be such a bother I’m so forgetful well I’d better forget back to this oh haha I meant get back to this work thanks and goodbye and I can’t forget to change the date when was that appointment I missed she just said it but I didn’t write it down I don’t write anything down and I know my wife has it on the calendar at home and I’ll just tell her I forgot to forward the results and I’ll get to it tomorrow but no the doctor closes at seven and the appointment was after work and they would have called right after but they closed so that’s why they called today so it was yesterday and so I put yesterday’s date on it and attached the fake lab results I just typed up to an email and sent it to the wife and the day is almost over and it’s almost over and then I won’t have to worry about it because it’ll be over and I won’t have to worry any more.

No I’m fine I’ll tell her I’ll say it’s just been really busy at work why change it if it works and you know how it is with the reports and the paperwork and the bullshit and she’ll laugh a sad laugh because it’s all bullshit and why would anyone even pay for someone to do that but it’s my night to cook and I’ll be so late we’ll have to order pizza or just eat chips like slobs and I pulled in the driveway and left my briefcase in the front seat I stood on the porch and cleared my phone history there’s no reason to get a call from the doctor if I’d actually gone and gotten the tests done like I said and I locked my phone and went inside but the lights were dim and she had candles going they were scented candles and she was leaning against the bedroom door in a lacy frilly thing and my stomach tied itself into knots and I smiled but not much and she asked what was wrong so I said it I said no I’m fine I told her it’s just been really busy at work I’m sorry I’m late and she undid my tie and used it to pull me into the bedroom with the candles and the silk sheets and she did that thing I’ve always liked but of course I couldn’t get it up I’m sorry it’s not you you’re sexy of course and she really was but no I’m fine I told her I said it’s just been really stressful at work you know how it is and I hoped she wouldn’t ask about the last dozen times I’d been really stressed at work so I kissed her on the forehead and pulled the vibrator out of the drawer and laid her on the bed and why don’t you take care of yourself while I have a drink and try to relax and we can try again later tonight but I knew she’d fall asleep and she won’t try again tonight so I poured a drink and sat in the kitchen and listened to the buzzing from the other room and there weren’t any chips left but there was still whiskey and that was probably better it was cheaper anyway and at least the whiskey didn’t make me sick so I poured another one and when the ice maker stopped I realized the buzzing was gone and I went into the bedroom and she was asleep on her side of the bed and it was late so I turned off the lights and laid down and drank my whiskey and everything would be okay because the evening would be over soon and I would be asleep it would all be over soon and I wouldn’t have to worry any more.

No I’m fine I told her I said I just had too much water before I went to bed haha and that’s why it’s the third time I’ve gotten up to pee tonight and it’s only two in the morning even though it’s been like that every night for months and months and I was sure she’d noticed but I was ready to say oh yeah you know me I like to stay hydrated but she didn’t press and I didn’t get to say my line and she’s on the computer with her glasses on and the pink pajamas with clouds on them and a too-big sweater like a comfy librarian and goddammit that was sexy goddammit nothing I can do about it anyway but she never believes she’s so sexy so far out of my league I never figured out why she liked me and I knew she could do just fine without me catch any of a million guys better than me in every way if she wasn’t stuck with me better guys who didn’t lie about going to the doctor who had a dick that worked who didn’t feel awkward when she told him that he’s her favorite person who did the dishes who didn’t stay late at work playing minesweeper so he could say how stressed he was at work a guy without a belly like mine or a bald spot or student loans she glanced up at me over the top of her glasses and said she’s looking at my lab results and I saw google search tabs open next to the pdf I sent her my numbers are good she said of course they are I invented them so you’d say that that’s good to hear I said though but what does it mean and she brought up another file and it had my name on it but it said Sr. instead of Jr. and she pointed and said numbers and dates and words and I knew it all but I pretended I didn’t so she explained he was three years younger than me when they found it and they found it early enough for the surgery and the radiation and thank god it was such easy treatment basically routine nowadays such a miracle of modern medicine when they catch it early good thing you’re both good about getting tested high risk genetics your grandpa died from it but your numbers are good so no worries for six months until your next test anyways when was the last time you called your dad I don’t know maybe in August but I texted him lol when he sent that picture you know the one that we didn’t know why it was supposed to be funny like it was just a tree but I texted him lol yeah dad jokes are the worst and she just looked at me and told me mine were even worse that I was just like him but it’s true I already tell people to shut the door because I don’t want to air condition the great outdoors and I have a mason jar full of wood screws with bunged up slots and no clue where it came from any day now I’ll start building model airplanes and taking pictures of trees and dirt and texting them to people and telling people hi hungry I’m dad and she laughed and put her arms around me and whispered that I shouldn’t be too much like him and I know she doesn’t want me to get prostate cancer so I patted her on the head and went back to bed but I stopped at the bathroom first and when I came out I laughed again and said no I’m fine I told her I just forgot that I already went to the bathroom you know how it is my parents trained me to always go to the bathroom before I go to bed or get in the car no matter how recently I went and she just rolled her eyes and to eat all the ice cream in the house yeah because my mom would eat it all if there was any left it would be gone by morning and to cut the frozen pizza exactly in the middle because my brother got to choose his half and she reminded me that he also trained me to not ever give up.

No I’m fine I told her I said I’m just tired and I should probably call my dad in the morning you made me a bit nostalgic you know how it is and she nodded and that’s how it is you know and sent me off toward bed with a pat on the bottom but I could never sleep after getting up at two in the morning so I just laid there like every night and there was the old Mustang we restored the one he drove when he was a wild teenager and a five dollar bill would fill the tank and buy dinner at A&W and a movie and he was so excited to get it finished and it wasn’t pretty like the car shows he liked to go to but it worked and it ran and we drove it to the strip mall where the A&W used to be and the place he ran off the road trying to kiss Mom for the first time and I couldn’t think of anything in my life that I had ever been that genuinely excited about not a car or a house or hunting the biggest buck like uncle Kevin did every fall for months coming in to work late after getting up at four in the morning and sitting in the woods with a bow and leaving work early to sit in the woods again and watch the sun go down then go back to work and then also spend his summers planting different crops that deer would like and it just seems like so much effort but I could only assume that he really enjoyed it but there’s nothing in the world that could make me want to get up that early or spend that much effort at most an okay that’s cool but not something worth spending your life on I didn’t even do anything with the classic car I had I just gave it away and what did my dad even do most of the time besides liking dog pictures on Facebook he was too old to work on cars any more or really do much of anything I remembered that I always judge old people I never wanted to get that old it’s better to die when you’re young and pretty but I’ve never been pretty but it makes me angry when they’re too slow to cross the parking lot even though I never have anywhere to go I’m just going to go home and pour a drink and wait for tomorrow oh god when is the sun going to rise a hint of light peeked through the curtains and I just told myself that the night is almost over and I could stop worrying because it’s almost over.

No I’m fine I told her I said I just had trouble sleeping and that part was true but I said I was thinking about my dad and I guess that part was true also and she asked if it was about how he never stops fighting yeah he had a lot to fight for I guess like getting his kids through college or raising his kids right so they could get married to nice girls like you or doing projects with his kids like model airplanes and the Mustang and spoiling his grandkids but she got real quiet and after a while my coffee was getting cold but I felt like I had to ask.

No I’m fine she told me she said we both have a lot to fight for like and she just sort of stopped talking again and I microwaved my coffee and went to the bathroom again because I have to pee every five minutes and I left for work and I kept telling myself that the week will be over soon and I could stop worrying because it would all be over soon and I wouldn’t have to worry about it I wouldn’t have to worry about anything.