Interdimensional travel is bullshit. For every action ever taken in the entire lifespan of the universe, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Plus, an infinite number of sub-actions that are variations of the initial action and an infinite number of sub-reactions based on the initial reaction. Sound complicated? It is, and it makes navigating a pain, especially when the vast majority of alternative universes don’t have an Earth, let alone humans. 
	
“Close the containment unit and open up the next rift. Try Universe 2305C,” I order my assistant, Jeremy, over the radio built into my hazard suit. 
	
“Roger. Maybe this one will be the one? I mean we gotta find it eventually.” Jeremy’s trying to cheer me up, but there’s a sad resignation in his voice. We’ve been at this every day for three years now, and we haven’t even found a single lifeform yet.
	
As the blast doors shut behind me, I sigh and activate my recorder. “Log #2305C, hoping yet again to find some life on Earth.  Even if it’s just bacteria. Just…” I let out an even longer exhale. “Something.” 
	
“Opening the rift in T-minus 5, brace yourself Dr. Jacobs,” Jeremy states. 
	
“Life support functions engaged and magneton boots locked, I’m ready,” I reply. 
	
The tear between worlds always starts small as a tiny neon blue sparkle, slowing widening as it rips the space between dimensions asunder. Electrical discharge spews from the hole and is routed to the superconductors to avoid damaging the onboard computer built into my suit. The light glitters and grows in size, and I feel an all too familiar sensation: decompression of the air from the room.  
	
That means probably no atmosphere. 
	
I carefully wait for the air in the room to reach equilibrium before detaching my magnetron boot from the floor and taking my first step towards the portal. I meticulously make sure the power for the boot touching the floor is on to prevent me from being launched out of the room. 
	
I detach the camera probe from the underside of my wrist and feed it through the rift. Always good to be cautious. Wouldn’t want to stick your head through and suddenly get hit by a passing asteroid or something.
	
The camera confirms my fears: there’s nothing but an airless crater on the other side. No signs of any civilization or previous life. Just a dead rock. 
	
“Dimension 2305C’s Earth, like every other Earth we have found thus far, sports no signs of previous inhabitancy, zero atmosphere, and requires no further exploration.” I grimace, retracting the camera. “Close it up, Jeremy.”
	
“Roger.” 
	
The rift collapsed in on itself, the light fading as it slowly stitched together the gap between dimensions.  

“Rift successfully closed. Opening blast doors now.” The airlock disengaged allowing for fresh air to reach the interior of the room. 

What were we doing wrong? There had to be an easier way than just trial and error. As soon as I remove my helmet, the rift begins to reinitialize. 

“Jeremy what the fuck are you doing?” I yell, putting my helmet back on.  

Silence. He must have left the control room after disengaging the airlock. Shit.

A red prismatic portal gradually opens up in the room. What? Red? And no decompression. 

Before I can ponder this further, another me emerges from the portal, wearing only his lab coat. 

“Dr. Jacobs, I presume?” he says. “Nice suit. Retro!” 

I sternly gaze at him behind my helmet’s visor. 

“Whoa, silent treatment. Guess [i]somebody[/i] never figured out how to pinpoint their location in the interdimensional matrix.” Every word drips with heavy condescension. He looks towards the portal as he says this. I hear several of my own laughs coming from the other side. 

I struggle think of some retort, but nothing comes to me. 

“Looks like we’re in the dimension where everyone is a mute, huh? I feel bad for this dimension’s Jeremy. Three years he’s been at this, and he’s still in the safety suit like he doesn’t know where he’s going. Here, buddy, take this.” He tosses me a data stick. 

“What’s on it?” I ask. 

“Oh, so this isn’t the mute dimension after all," he sneers sarcastically. "It’ll show you where you are on the dimensional matrix. Makes navigation easy as pie." 

He laughs as he jumps back through the portal.

See you around, Dr. Jacobs #912,453D," he calls just before it closes.

I ball my hand into a fist, seething. Interdimensional travel is such bullshit.