[b]SCENE I. A blasted heath.[/b] [i]Three witches mutter amongst themselves as they dip a sheet of painted acetate into a roiling cauldron. Enter HECATE, Goddess of Magic. The witches suddenly drop to their knees.[/i] HECATE: Ho secret, black and midnight hags! You'd better pack your travel bags And hie yourselves off to Japan, Ere you become amphibian. You've got me rather more annoyed Than Moses with a hemorrhoid! Duncan lives, Macbeths as well, With only Banquo dropt to hell. No fighting scenes or wild alarums, No tragedy and potent charms, My plans are buggered up a treat! How did you manage such a feat? FIRST WITCH Hecate, we implore your peace We had some woes that would not cease. Graymalkin clawed the sofa, then… SECOND WITCH Paddock piddled in the den, While we untwiddled all their tails... THIRD WITCH Our destined spells ran off their rails.... [b]SCENE II. Macbeth’s castle, in the past.[/b] LADY MACBETH Why do you pause, my lord? We are agreed That Duncan’s death advances you to King, As the Weird Sisters spoke in prophecy. Now Duncan is our fated guest, and I Have drugged his guards and chamberlains that you Might have at last your chance. Why hold your hand? Are you too full of milky human kindness? MACBETH Is this a dagger which I see before me, The handle toward my hand? No, I declare It is a blade for spreading butter, with A mooing cow engrav'd upon the handle. Hast nothing sharper? LADY MACBETH Why, I thought we did But kitchen cutlery is in th’wash. Come now, you are a doughty man of war, Disdaining fortune with his brands of steel, Do not you have another blade to spare? MACBETH My lady, you have no idea how A blade gets scarred and sawtoothed battle-wise, And I must say in sooth that I have sent My finest weapons off to be reground The better to strike true and let his blood— LADY MACBETH Oh fie, we are too late, our plan’s undone! The chamberlains awaken, and our guest Arises too; ah, Duncan now comes near! He has our plot divined, and now we two Shall hang for treason! [i]Enter DUNCAN[/i] DUNCAN Ah, you’re still awake! I see my grooms had passéd out, for that They tarried overlong with the fine wine That fitted well your hospitality. But since we three are up, why shall we not Speak and better come to know each other? I see you have a butter knife, fetch cheese And wine to lubricate our fair discourse! MACBETH We go at once, my liege, the cheese to fetch! [i][aside] [/i] It’s clear he does not yet our plot divine, So let us come forth with the cheese and wine, Since we are thrust upon it. Humor him, Abandoning our enterprise so grim To seek a peaceful path to the succession... LADY MACBETH So well, my lord, but watch still your expression. You must not show the blood beneath your brow, False face must hide what our false hearts do now. [i]Exit, with corkscrew and cheese slicer.[/i] [b]SCENE III. A blasted heath. Again.[/b] [i]HECATE and WEIRD SISTERS as before.[/i] FIRST WITCH All night long they spoke, and then, Morrow, they, the best of friends Declared that they would stay their hands From Duncan’s heart, and guard his lands. SECOND WITCH And in due course of time it came That stout Macbeth, the worthy Thane, Achieved, without a fuss or sting, The prophesy of being king! THIRD WITCH Nature’s course brought them all hence, And gave success through innocence. We're sorry that we've been so naughty Please don't turn us to newts, Hecate! HECATE Revolting fools, you’ve robbéd me Of fine and fruitsome tragedy! I’ll need to turn the tale on track; Do dance in dirt ‘til I get back. [i]HECATE waves her hands, turning the Weird Sisters into mudpuppies, then exits with a thoughtful frown.[/i] [b]SCENE IV. The Palace, present.[/b] [i]KING MACBETH and QUEEN MACBETH sit on their thrones; she is polishing an opera glass and he is playing mumblety-peg on one arm of the throne.[/i] [i]Enter DUNCAN, ex-king of Scotland, dripping and bespattered by a sudden rain squall. Enter also two dogs, SPOT, a terrier, and CANDLE, a dachshund, who dash about and assail DUNCAN with paws and wet noses.[/i] QUEEN MACBETH Out, damned Spot! KING MACBETH Out, out, brief Candle! Hail, Duncan! [i]Exeunt DOGS[/i] DUNCAN Hail King and Queen Macbeth! Forgive the mess, So foul and fair a day I had not seen; ‘Til gusts and sudden squalls did overtake; A pity that there is no art to find The rain’s construction in the clouds. How do? KING MACBETH Well! And how your sons, my lord? DUNCAN Malcom’s hied to Denmark, there to reign Where none of royal family remain, And thus perfect the pact we have with them ‘gainst Norway and their gallowglasses. Ho! And Donalbain himself has made out well, By tripping in a ring of Irish ‘shrooms, He found himself within a summer’s dream, Where Oberon and fair Titania fought O’er some new trifle or another, and Took use again of magic flower sap Upon each other to rewake their love, But Queen Titania’s eyes lit first upon Dear Donalbain, and they shall soon be wed; In short, the way was clear, and so the thing To do was thus to set you up as King! I’m sure that over Scotland you shall reign Both wise and well, through plenty and through pain. QUEEN MACBETH Where shall you travel hence, my lord? DUNCAN Fair Queen, I have a thought that I shall venture south, With all my trains and lush appurtenances And pay a visit to my aged friend, The one who planted seed of the idea That gave me, in its ripeness, to forgo The cares of kingship on my time-torn frame And fix the stately struggles on your youth While you can rightly bear them. I shall go And take a season down in Britain, where I’ll spend my time with wise and aged Lear, Whose counsel I have ever valued here. KING MACBETH As ye have planted, so I’ve prospered; all Has been foretold in leaden traceries The gilder’s art doth thence make manifest. So sisters weird gave hint of future time— Ah, but hark, the bell is striking plain! Dost hear it, Duncan? There, it is the knell That summons thee to Plymouth or Cornwell. Thy carriage now is ready. [i]KING MACBETH stands, and shakes hands with DUNCAN. Exit DUNCAN to barking DOGS[/i] QUEEN MACBETH Th’ hall is murky. Cleaners, see you to’t. Who’d have thought the old man to have so much mud on him? [i]The GHOST OF BANQUO enters and sits on the throne. MACBETH unseeing attempts to take his seat, whereupon he contacts BANQUO’s codpiece and leaps afright and upright.[/i] KING MACBETH Ho now, what horrid spectre this that sits Unbidden on the throne, and gives to me A sudden prickling at the rearward gates? GHOST OF BANQUO Mind not, old friend, for as thou wert emblessed To have thy fortune in thy present life, I thought it meet that I might take a seat Upon that throne that I in life did serve, But had no hope to ever occupy. QUEEN MACBETH Ha, husband! Did you have a fit again, Or do you seek to start a pantomime With some daft playmate of the mind Which you recall from childhood? KING MACBETH Dear wife, Thy tender eyes are spared the spectral sight That which, if you beheld, you might well say That all great Neptune’s seas could not suffice To wash his linens clean. Do you recall How Banquo came to meet his end, again? GHOST OF BANQUO I prithee, do not bring this up, old friend T’was not a fitting way for man to pass; From rapture in the burgeoned bliss of life So sudden plucked, and sent to that fell field Whence crows and vultures vie to take their pick— QUEEN MACBETH Ha, how could one forget dear Banquo’s end? T’was bandied ‘bout the court for weeks, how he Beheld a pretty flower; thought to pluck’t, And present it to his lady fair, but then A randy bull, out from his pasture ‘scaped, And mad with passion, spied his spotted pants, And took him for a cow, and leaped ‘pon him— GHOST OF BANQUO I prithee, beg your lady fair to stop, For few enough I have of happy thoughts That echo from my deeds in mortal realms. Yet still, ‘fore I depart, I’d speak a word With you on my son Fleance, who remains Distrait at my sad passing, doubled over Each time I view his semblance from my cloud As I peer out from th’ eternal realms... KING MACBETH Indeed, since my dear lady and myself Are not yet blessed with issue, so it seems Quite meet that we should take for us a son Whose progeny are sure to hold the line And carry on our name to distant times, When playwrights bold shall seize upon our tale And recast all our triumphs and travails To silly scenes and bellicose burlesques. In short—do you consent, my dear?—Then aye, Do summon Fleance, that we may adopt, And set his purposed destiny to ours. GHOST OF BANQUO I thank thee, friend, and glad, I now depart. [i]The GHOST OF BANQUO sinks through the floor.[/i] QUEEN MACBETH Though I have given suckers their fair due, Don’t yet despair for offspring, O my Lord We both are clear of eye and smooth of brow, Mayhap we can assay the course again Once all the day’s concerns have been addressed With fires banked and glasses topped with wine, Then stick your courage to the screwing place, And we’ll not fail. KING MACBETH Tomorrow. QUEEN MACBETH Tomorrow? KING MACBETH Tomorrow. [i]Enter FLEANCE, with MACDUFF, carrying a TREE.[/i] As you requested, worthy King, we’ve come, And brought a tree for you, to grace the court. KING MACBETH [i][approaches][/i] A hefty tree it is, whence does it come? MACDUFF From Birnham Wood we dug this sturdy oak, And planted it in half a hogshead—What? My liege, so very sudden you look pale. KING MACBETH [i][aside][/i] The prophesy is part fulfilled, that I Shall never fall till Birnham Wood be come To here at Castle Dunsinane! But still, All yet may come to rights, for none Of woman born may harm me—Kind MacDuff, We do not know each other well, I find, And I would sue to learn. Take it not ill, But please do tell me more about your life From the beginning, and no detail spare. MACDUFF Tell everything, my liege? KING MACBETH Lay on, MacDuff. MACDUFF My birthing was Caesarian, my liege— [i][He leans upon the tree conversationally. It tips and lands on KING MACBETH. A black curtain falls.][/i] HECATE: Little does it matter what we prate, We pass through life upon a constant gait, Launched in a small canoe, and come to land Within a box convenient to hand. You may begin with humbleness or pride, Yet always look at life on the bright side. However shines the morning of your sending, ‘Tis in a twilit zone you’ll have your ending As Fates their strings unravel from their stores— I thus have mine, and now you shall have yours. [i]Flourish. Exeunt.[/i]